over the past few months, i've been severely conflicted regarding the path that i want to take in my life and its relation to the path that i'm actually on. i don't value anything that i'm supposed to. i feel completely disconnected from the things that i'm supposed to be close to, like i have almost zero feeling for anyone or anything. people my age are supposed to be ecstatic when they start college, but i am far from being enthusaistic about it. it's not like i'm focusing on being negative, either. i'm always opening myself to new experiences, and i'm fully prepared for the trials and tribulations of higher education. i know that by going through the process, i'll be making myself a mentally and emotionally stronger person, except my heart just simply is not in it.. at all. i feel like i'm only here to socialize, and i'm putting myself in ridiculous amounts of debt in doing so (not to mention that i get roughly 43% of the social experience because i'm living off campus and commuting by train and so are most of the students here, it's like high school). my university and most others offer a very boring selection of programs, and none of them peak even a small percentage of interest in me. i'm supposedly a "very intelligent young man", but the idea of getting a degree, finding a high paying job and jacking myself off in a pool of materialism like my parents and the majority of society wants me to is so unappealing to me. i feel like i'm being forced to travel a road that will take me so far from where i want to be, and i'm doing so disguised as someone that i'm not. my passion, literally the only thing that makes me feel, is music. i'm a humanitarian at heart, and i know that my purpose definitely lies in creating music. i feel that i can say more, do more, reach more people, and live a fulfilling life much more easily through that avenue, rather than say a degree in biology followed by med school and years of being a doctor. i'm a guitarist who spends hours and hours every day composing and practicing, growing as much as i can. i'm interested in every aspect of music as an expressive art form. i had been thinking thinking about majoring in music at my school, but the thought of that utterly disgusts me. practically speaking, i'd be fucking myself if i were to commit to majoring in music anyway for the simple reason that i'm self taught; i know absolutely zero classical standards (which i'd need to choose 3 to play for my audition), possess limited theoretical knowledge, and i can't sight read from sheet music unless i'm playing piano, which i'm not very proficient with. they are more interested in training a bunch sight reading orchestra drones and jazz theory nerds, adhering to strict classical form rather than encouraging any sort of creativity. i spoke to two music performance majors there who were guitarists and pianists and they were completely unhappy. they are way too classically focused and way too formal, and apparently don't seem to want to really help musicians grow as musicians. it's definitely not for me. i really can't see myself mixing art and education, i don't think it would be fulfilling being the kind of person that i am. not to mention the fact that after i graduate, my degree will be worth next to nothing. growing up with a single mother, one of the biggest values she taught me was to always follow my intuition. i've always been very connected to my feelings and emotions. the hilarious thing that i've learned about her is that now that i'm able to make my own decisions and think independently, my intuition is only good enough to follow if it fits in with her system of values and ideals. my stepdad is the exact same way, so that statement applies to him as well. now, i'm a very logical and rational person. i know they mean the best, i'm not a typical faggot 18 year old who's just like "lol fuck my parents bro theyre so gay they dont understand me lol". no, they're looking out for my future. i appreciate that. all they want is to make sure that i make decisions that will ultimately have a positive effect on me as a person. they want me to build a strong foundation for a good life. however, we have very contrasting ideas of what a "good" life is. that contrast in ideas stems from a difference in values, again. so the real question is, what can i do to build that foundation that i will need if i decide to leave school? will i live in my car and perform at bars like the stereotypical starving musician? will i continue to work at my $8.25/hr job at UPS while living at home and being a burden on my parents while i hone my musical talent? will i sign my life away to the marines for that tasty GI bill? what are my options here? i'm seriously lost and i have no guidance.