LOVE I'm caught in a downward spiral...

giz

Active Member
Nov 25, 2004
15,523
salt lake
Been mostly absent from the vag for the last year, since I started dating this girl seriously... popping my head in when I'm depressed. I feel bad about that...

Current situation is this: moved in with girl about a month ago. At the time things weren't perfect between us, but with our situations it was either then or a year from then. We chose to move in.

I was unhappy with the level of intimacy and affection in our relationship in the months leading up to the move. She was giving reasons for these that seemed plausible, but admitted shortly before the move (and after we signed a lease) that she had actual lost most of her sexual attraction towards me.

Now she has a history of self-destruction when depressed, so I did my best to write it off. I rationalized it because 1. I had little choice, we were moving in together and 2. I have a history or being weak when it comes to letting go. She said she loved me and hoped that moving in would help us.

Two weeks into it, she decides it's actually making it worse and that we need to breakup. I cry like a bitch because for some reason, despite everything she has said, I can't let go of what we used to have (first half of the relationship was great in that she was the aggressor). I write her a letter telling her how I feel and accept my fate, making my way through the days generally sad.

A week goes by, we get physical one night and it was the best we've had for months. She starts acting like nothing happened... talking about buying furniture, etc. I roll with it because I feel like this is what I want. A few weeks go by.

Brings us to today. We're strong in a lot of ways, but the intimacy and affection are not at levels I'm happy with. I feel rejected most nights, like she doesn't love me at all. Or at least in the same way.

I'm caught in a downward spiral. The rejection saddens me, depresses me. I walk on eggshells around her. I'm no longer the confident, charismatic guy she fell in love with. I feel her slipping further because of this, which throws me deeper. I built an entire lifestyle out of "fake it till you make it," but I'm reaching my end.

I'm a little tipsy and just needed to air things out. I'm sure I'll hear "you need to end it" and what's left of the rational-me agrees. I just can't let go. I think I'm an obsessive lover.
 

FifthGear

Well-Known Member
Sep 18, 2003
11,346
Middle west
sounds like a very toxic situation for you to be in, so yea you need to leave. If there is no mutual attraction towards each other, whats the point?
 
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giz

giz

Active Member
Nov 25, 2004
15,523
salt lake
There is attraction, its just not at the level it used to be. A few night ago she woke me up to have sex. She says things that she regrets, but its not what it used to be.
 

Diesel66

OT Supporter
Feb 20, 2005
134,457
Kc
there's nothing worse than being with someone that can't show their affection. Physical, emotional, etc... had something like that, she said she loved me but would do nothing to show it.
 

NCS

Active Member
Apr 2, 2002
5,674
i went through the same thing with my most recent ex.
the next thing i did was try and spark things back to how they used to be over a few months, trying everything i could think of. nothing really worked.

i then had a talk with her about it. i told her that if we were to keep going and wanted to be together, we'd need to work on this, that i've tried what i could, and she can either work on it or we could see a couples therapist -- even just once, to point us in a direction. the conversation itself went over pretty well

i think it was a smart move: it forced her to make a decision about the relationship and the level of effort she was willing to put in. of course, she said she wasn't ready to take those steps and we broke up. i found peace in that answer because if she isn't willing to try, its over no matter what, and thats a bigger issue than anything else in the story.

the other thing i can tell you from my situation is i know my ex had a lot of baggage, and it sounds like this girl does too. let me take a wild guess -- did she fall for you very very quickly?

we all have to make sense out of this shit. the part that got me was that in a normal couple, we would have broken up months before. yet she gave all the signs of wanting to stay together-- still a lot of loving, caring behavior. we didnt have those bickering fights, etc. in fact it was all there bar the attraction that was there initially.

so IMO it was either a honeymoon period thing, or (and this is what i really think), that the hormones during the honeymoon period let her be herself, step over her emotional troubles and boundaries, and then eventually she regressed to her damaged self and was not able to live a happy life, or couple.
 

MissKitty

If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum'
OT Supporter
Jun 21, 2004
53,328
Dingoland
You need to ask her what she wants and when she wants it by.

You can't be walking around on eggshells.
Being rejected is soul crushing, but being rejected and being kept around for her to use is worse :(
 

Tevin

Member
Sep 11, 2010
453
It's hard to feel sorry for a guy who moved in with a chick he's known less than year and came with more red flags than a police checkpoint on New Year's Eve. You made your own shit sandwich. But ok, here we are.

The solution is short but not necessarily simple. Yes, you do need to dump her. She is completely undateable. If you want to be supportive or whatever...that's your call to make. Just don't date her. Try to sublet your apartment. If that's not possible, then you have no choice but to pay the rent and steer clear of her. Maybe you can crash at a friend's place a few nights a week.

What else is there? The only way out...is to get out.

Sorry...good luck.
 
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giz

giz

Active Member
Nov 25, 2004
15,523
salt lake
NCS and MK, you both make good points. I know I need to have that conversation with her.

She does have extensive baggage, and fell for me very very quickly. What does that say to you NCS?
 

fray

Active Member
Aug 19, 2006
5,212
:hug: sorry giz, sounds like its over, just hasn't ended yet. She said she's lost her attraction for you. That's not what you want for the rest of your life.
 
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NCS

Active Member
Apr 2, 2002
5,674
NCS and MK, you both make good points. I know I need to have that conversation with her.

She does have extensive baggage, and fell for me very very quickly. What does that say to you NCS?

np. when i read your post i saw way too many similarities, i know the world of shit you're in right now.

my ex declared her love to me on our 1st date. while the rush is nice, and i am a romantic person, there is a lesson in this: it's not natural. her emotions aren't wired "correctly" and this is the first sign. there will be others later on, that you are facing now. in other words, there is nothing you can do and this should be a red flag from now on.

also, since the feelings were "so instantaneously strong" you never had a period in the relationship where you had to act more like friends with sexual interest -- judge distance, see more of her caliber as a person before she did everything out of emotion alone. be prepared for some huge disappointments as the emotion goes away and you find out she's not such a good person after all.
 

ForgottenSpiral

Hope and Irony
OT Supporter
Feb 2, 2004
23,336
NoVA
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Been there. Done that.

What advice can I give? Ugh. Do what you feel you need to do. If you don't feel ready to let go, then keep fighting for the relationship. Counseling is always an option. When you're truly done with it, you'll know. And then: Run. Run and Dont Look Back.

I can say this much... my situation with my last long-term ex was VERY similar to yours. We tried counseling and everything. Eventually I left and I felt in large part it was due to the lack of intimacy. Looking back after a few years, I think the intimacy issue was actually not as big of a factor as I made it out to be. I think really it was more just a general incompatibility in regards to our personalities, but that particular symptom was the most obvious one to grab onto.

Also post more in the Vag. We miss you.

No homo.

Okay, maybe a little bit.
 

THoC

Well-Known Member
Feb 5, 2007
7,349
i feel for ya. this happened in my marriage. always same story.... if we moved in i think things would get better, if we bought a house, if we got married..... dont be a fool like i was 7 yrs ago.

get out and deal w. the initial depression while you meet someone better. after all, you could deal w. being depressed bc of your situation with her and keep dealing... or be depressed for a bit after you move on.

as far as the lease.... sucks. is it a one bedroom?
 
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giz

giz

Active Member
Nov 25, 2004
15,523
salt lake
Thanks for all your comments guys.

We had the much-needed conversation yesterday. I asked her if she felt she was past the point of wanting to work on things, and she said she felt like she's done all that she can. The feelings simply aren't there anymore. She loves me, but she is no longer "in love" with me.

I asked her why she has been acting as if we're still together for the past weeks and she said that she had "given in" because she knew I wanted it so badly, and that the last thing she wanted was to hurt me.

Hearing that come from her was very painful. But I obviously have little choice here.

It's unclear what we're going to do about the house. I don't want to be stuck in the suburbs if I'm single, and have a friend with a nice house downtown that is looking for a roommate. It's a perfect move for me. She has a friend that is looking to move, but has a huge dog so can't move directly in. We'll likely try to break the lease. It's a huge pain in the ass, and I considered staying just to make it easy on her, but I know I wouldn't be happy if I did.
 

ForgottenSpiral

Hope and Irony
OT Supporter
Feb 2, 2004
23,336
NoVA
Break the lease. It is a huge pain in the ass. I've had to break a lease before due to a breakup, but it is well worth it.

And :hug:. Sucks, bro. I feel you.
 
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giz

giz

Active Member
Nov 25, 2004
15,523
salt lake
nooooo not my type at all :rofl:

I think I need to drop her from fb. I check her page routinely. Since her relationship status went single, random dudes have been checking in - that doesn't bother me. But one from Scottsdale said hi and she suggested they meet up in Vegas in the next couple months. FUCK :wtc:

She leaves for Miami a week from Saturday for 10 days, and I'll move a couple days after she gets back, so I have another week and a half of sleeping next to her. Which sounds kinda weird, but it's either that or sleep on the floor. It's fucking painful, but I still can't bring myself to sleep elsewhere. I hate this right now.
 
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giz

giz

Active Member
Nov 25, 2004
15,523
salt lake
You don't have a couch to sleep on?

I'd rather sleep on the floor than in a bed with someone who didn't love me and wanted me gone.

We just moved in and I dragged my feet on buying furniture because I was worried I'd be in this situation. So yeah, no couch.

I want to say that I would rather sleep on the floor, but if that were true then I would be sleeping on the floor. I have it my head that these will be the last times I get to sleep next to her and I don't want to miss out. :hs:

Of course this probably hurts me in the long run. Her perception of me certainly can't be improving when I act like a lost puppy.

I should probably move to the floor. :hs:
 
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giz

giz

Active Member
Nov 25, 2004
15,523
salt lake
I'm reacting to the breakup by seeking approval from other women. Does this make me an asshole? I feel so rejected, but I can turn to pof and have some quality interactions with relatively little effort. Anything from friendly chat to heavy flirting.

It makes me feel better about myself, but also like maybe I wasn't in love with my gf as much as I thought I was. I don't want that to be true. Of course I still go to bed at night wishing she'd curl up in my arms. :hs:
 

ForgottenSpiral

Hope and Irony
OT Supporter
Feb 2, 2004
23,336
NoVA
Aaaaah fuck. I know how you feel, man. I'm sure you know from your own experiences that ultimately it just takes time to process feelings before we truly move on. So whatever you can find to help keep things tolerable is perfectly fine so long as it doesn't hurt you or hinder your progress.

That said, there is truly something to be said for realizing that we each walk our own paths. There is solace in that, I think. You shared your journey with her for a time and I expect the time you've been together will always mean something to you, but the future is wide open and full of wonderous possibilities, new and meaningful love like you've yet to experience among those possibilities.
 
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giz

giz

Active Member
Nov 25, 2004
15,523
salt lake
Aaaaah fuck. I know how you feel, man. I'm sure you know from your own experiences that ultimately it just takes time to process feelings before we truly move on. So whatever you can find to help keep things tolerable is perfectly fine so long as it doesn't hurt you or hinder your progress.

That said, there is truly something to be said for realizing that we each walk our own paths. There is solace in that, I think. You shared your journey with her for a time and I expect the time you've been together will always mean something to you, but the future is wide open and full of wonderous possibilities, new and meaningful love like you've yet to experience among those possibilities.

I appreciate this quite a bit. Thanks Jacob.
 

ForgottenSpiral

Hope and Irony
OT Supporter
Feb 2, 2004
23,336
NoVA
Side note: The Spiral in my username comes from the term "downward spiral". The Forgotten part is meant to imply denial. :mamoru:
 

antihero

OT Supporter
Aug 19, 2002
15,294
NYC
I have another week and a half of sleeping next to her. Which sounds kinda weird, but it's either that or sleep on the floor. It's fucking painful, but I still can't bring myself to sleep elsewhere. I hate this right now.

Oh hell no bro. Couch, airmattress, friends house, floor... whatever man.

I can't even imagine getting into bed every night with a recent ex. Sounds terrible.
 

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