SRS I'm falling down a deep, dark, hole. Please Help

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Incognito, Oct 25, 2005.

  1. Incognito

    Incognito New Member

    Jun 17, 2003
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    Hi All,

    Its been a while since i've posted here, but i really need to have a bit of a rant and get some stuff off my chest, and also ask for help, as i feel like i'm slipping into a deep, black, hole with no way out.... However, due to the length of what i'm writing, i don't blame you if you don't read it all...

    Where to start....

    Now, i've never really been an overly popular guy, and i've only ever had 2 or 3 close friends at any one time, but usually have a fair few 'aquaintances' that i know, but only see maybe once every few months or something.... Lately i've found that through nobodys fault, everyone seems to just be drifting away, be it because of work, or girlfriends/boyfriends, moving, etc etc... and at the moment, i'm finding myself with my 1 'best' friend, of about 5 years, as the only person i see regularly... I've always found that i don't agree with alot of what he says etc, and he has his annoying traits about him, and up until now, i've tolerated them... But lately, i've been finding i can tolerate less and less of him...
    An example of what i'm talking about.... He's a good looking guy (and no, i'm not gay, just my opinion) and his girlfriend is model material... he's got lotsa $$ and isn't afraid to flaunt it...
    Me on the other hand, in all honesty, i am not an overly attractive guy, don't have a g/f, don't have massive wads of $$ sitting around...
    Anyway, we'll be out somewhere, and i'll be checking out a chick, and he'll turn around to me and pick on her saying she's "too fat" or she looks funny, etc etc.. basically belittling me over my choice of who i find attractive (when there is really nothing wrong with them)
    He went through a rough patch with his girlfriend a few years ago now, where they were on and off a fair bit... and i stuck by him through it, took him places to keep his mind off it, kept him busy, etc, because he was a bit of a wreck..... anyway, they turned out okay in the end.... Yet when i was having dramas with a friend of his that he tried to set me up with (who was a complete psycho), he was nowhere to be found.... always too busy to spend time with me etc, so i basically had to fend for myself for 6 months while it was all going on...
    He doesn't miss an opportunity to sink the boot in, no matter what its about... constantly giving me crap about my car, constantly reminding me of how happy he is with his girlfriend (even though i'm a 22 y/o virgin and never been in a relationship), basically rubbing it in etc...
    When he wants to do something, he expects me to just drop whatever i'm doing and join him, and if i don't, he cracks the shits at me... yet as soon as i want to do something with him, he's always 'too busy' to do anything.
    I've seen this coming for a while, but its only recently started to hit me fullforce... that he's only a 'fairweather friend'... a friend to me when he finds it convenient... now, he has his good points about him too, but i just feel so frustrated by him, and think i deserve something better than just being a friend to him when it suits him...

    I could continue on about him all night, but i think you get the general gist of it from the above....

    Moving on...

    As i've mentioned previously, i'm a 22 year old guy, who's never been in a relationship, am still a virgin... well, technically anyway... A while ago I was forced to have sex against my will at a party when i was so drunk i was basically passed out, i couldn't even move... i was basically dragged to the bedroom where she had her way with me. I try and put that out of my mind and not think about it, as its my fault for getting so drunk and putting myself in that position in the first place...

    Im a really shy/withdrawn/quiet guy, with a great personality, but not the looks to go with it... So i joined a Gym 2 days ago to try and lose some weight and tone up again...

    All of my female friends tell me that they think i'm an attractive guy, and have a great personality etc, and they don't know why someone hasn't come along and snapped me up....

    I guess i'm starting to get a bit scared of not finding someone, and that i'm going to end up alone for the rest of my life....

    I didn't really actively pursue anyone (dating wise) throughout highschool (well, 1 or 2 people, over a few years), but when i left i tried to find someone, which ended in tears, on a fair few occasions, where they would just toy with my emotions, and lead me on etc, only to turn around 6 months down the track and screw me over... so after those disasterous attempts, i sorta stopped trying for a while (a year or so) and then thought i'd try again... again, no dice... so i gave up again... it's been a few years now since i've actively tried to find someone... Its sorta like in the movie 40 year old virgin, how he's talking about how he gave up trying to look for girls...

    Now, due to not having any friends who i see, and due to never seeing anyone at home (i live at home with my mum and my brother... neither of them are ever home.. always working/studying etc... my dad took off just over a year ago.. and i've barely heard from him since), i'm extremely lonely, and depressed, and like i said at the start, i feel i'm slipping into a big, dark void that is going to swallow me...

    I used to have fairly bad depression... but when i went to see a counsellor about it, i actually felt worse after i had seen him than when i went in, so i never bothered going back... things just seemed to get a bit easier for a while and it went away for 9 months or so, with me slipping back into it for a couple of days here and there... but lately, it has come back with full force like a slap in the face....

    Work / Where i'm going in life:
    I won't spend a great deal of time on this subject... Basically my whole life i studied to be in IT... studied it during school, highschool, even went to TAFE (College) to study it... i completed 3 of my 4 semesters of the course, before the teachers became too slack to show up for class etc, and i could see myself failing like the rest of the class as we weren't being taught anything, so i went and found myself 2 jobs, and stopped going to class, basically dropping out...

    Even with the College credits for the subjects that ive completed, as well as a 2 year traineeship in IT that i did, i find it impossible to find work in the IT field, so i've had to take whatever work i could... at the moment, i'm running admin in a warehouse for imported european bathroomware and appliances... Before that, i managed a little fruit store...

    I just don't know where i'm heading in life... i don't know what i want to ultimately do, but what i do know is i don't want to be stuck in a warehouse for the rest of my life...

    I'll leave it at that for tonight, as i'm feeling seriously down after reading all that back, and i dont' think i can write any more at the moment....

    I'm sorry if it doesn't make much sense, i just wrote stuff down as it came into my head.

    For those that have read this.. thankyou for your time
  2. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

    Jul 11, 2004
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    Well, I totally understand.

    My take on it? Man, with friends like that, who needs enemies? Seriously! You need to hang out with someone who pushes you to try new things, meet new people, and isn't so different socially. I've got a "friend" like that. He's got a Porsche. Bought a big house. Then a Volvo something sporty. Makes lots of money. But the fucker won't buy me a drink when we go out. WTF? :dunno: Anyway, he's a great guy, but I sure as hell don't hang out with him all the time.

    Welcome to the club. (I cannot believe how many times I say that around here.) I would recommend you read some of the other threads in here. DiggityDogg and I give lots of feedback to guys like you. You are perfectly normal, you've just never had a mentor or learned how to meet women. You need to go check out: (forums; read Doc Love's advice) ($99 system is probably a great start for you, highly recommended) ($80 book will probably help you approach women) (Excellent forums, free) (Excellent content, free)

    I was a virgin until I was 21. I was 6' 4" (still am ;) ), weighed 135 pounds, and had bright red hair. Talk about the curse of society. I had a few relationships here and there but screwed them all up - and it was ALL my fault. I finally got married and divorced. When I was *34* I finally started reading books and web sites on meeting women, dating, and relationships. There is no shame in educating yourself. Forums like these are great because you can ask specific questions and get real answers.

    Meeting women and making friends is just like learning to ride a bike. You may know how to ride a bike, but can you ride a motorcycle? How about do a wheelie? At 100mph? Can you race pro racers and win? Not likely, UNLESS YOU LEARN AND PRACTICE.

    So, just like any other skill, you have to make an effort to learn how to be social. My dad never taught me that, so I had to learn - just like you will.
  3. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    I've heard this before as well, and you can't help but think, "If you think I am so damn great, then why don't you snatch me up?!"

    Years later I figured out the answer, and it really had everything to do with me and how I approached women and relationships. In the Asylum here I have a thread posted entitled: Diggity's Guide to Successful Dating, For Men I suggest you go to that thread and read it. Hopefully it will help show you what it is you are doing wrong and what you can do to correct it. You don't even have to change who you are, but it helps you be aware of what things you do that tend to get you stuck in the friendzone. Once you can learn to first identify and then avoid those pitfalls, you will be setting yourself on a path for much more success. Plus, the Guide will also help you realize that you don't need to settle for anything less than you deserve. If you get a girl who doesn't treat you equally to the way you treat her then you need to kick her butt to the curb.

    As far as your buddy goes, quit hanging out with him, or pull him aside and tell him that you don't like what he does and that he needs to cut that crap out now.
  4. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

    Aug 27, 2003
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    Any tips for the ladies in a simular situation (i.e. fairweather friends/meeting guys)? :) won't help me :hs:
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Oct 8, 2002
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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Courage is the main thing what we are talking about here, dumping that friend of yours who does nothing more then belittle you and stamping your head into the ground with is boots. Its time for you to climb out of the manhole he has pushed you in and go for gold in your life. Do not let anything stop you, if he says she is too fat/yadayada say, she is still better looking then his gf, don't be there for him anymore, and be proud of the car you have. Not that im saying you should be materialistic, but be happy with what you got and improve your life by getting more. This is only to initially escape the rut he has put you in. Once you are out and have your life fixed , live a modest life.
  6. Devistater

    Devistater New Member

    Oct 26, 2005
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    Between the walls
    They always told me time heals all wounds, but I'm suggesting not to just lay back and let the year run it's course. That friend of yours... I've got one like it, and trust me he is fun in fair weather, but when life starts sucking you've just got to surround yourself with good people who make you feel good.
    I also know what it's like to withdraw like a damn turtle into it's shell, try not too. It doesn't help.
    Now this may sound lame to you, but consider service. Seriously, when I think my life sucks I just try to make it better for other people. For some reason it helps.
    Good luck man, I hope things get better.

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