I've smoked it about 6 times in the last 3 days. I feel like I am normal when I am high. Then I come down from the high and it seems like it was all just an illusion. But when i'm high, being off of it seems like that is the real illusion. How do I know which instinct to follow? I feel happy when I'm high. It's almost like all my problems are unraveling in my head. For example, I just remembered of a childhood experience when I had gay sex with my male cousin. I don't remember much about this, but I do remember being pressured into it by him. I guess I didn't know any better as a little kid, and I just did what he asked me to. Wow, I have been suppressing this memory for as long as I can remember. I am not gay, but maybe this fucked up experience is the reason I fear intimacy or closeness with another human. My mother also would do very minor sexual things to me at times. Like she would grab my penis just to piss me off. I was young at this age as well. I hated it, but I can't blame her. I know my grandmother was a slut, so I'm sure something must of happened to my mother when she was a little girl. My mother has 2 step sisters who are also step sisters to each other. She also has another step brother. She doesn't know who her real father is, but the current guy is the step brothers real father. They are both alcoholics. I never realized what kind of background I came from until I smoked. Like I said, all this information is true but I just couldn't handle thinking about it so I guess I just ignored it. Basically what marijuana is helping me see is that I am blocking out unpleasant thoughts and that is what is holding me back. I need to face my fears. I need to break this pattern running in my family. I was sexually abused as a child and I didn't even know it. I'll go to a therapist, I have to, now that I know just how fucked things are.