On Tuesday night my plan was to kill myself. I went to the store, bought 3 boxes of sleeping pills and had a half gallon of vodka in my room. 24 pills per box, 12 "dosages". My plan was to drink the equivalent of 8 shots to get some courage, crush up all of the pills, put them in water, drink them all and then drink as much vodka as I could without puking. Hoping to go to sleep and never wake up again. I started drinking, probably had 10 shots and then crushed up some of the pills and basically fell in them crying and threw them all over the ground. Started drinking more and then called 1800-SUICIDE hoping to save myself. I got so angry that they hung up on me. I then called my boyfriend and told him to come here because I couldnt stand living anymore and thought I was going to kill myself. I drank more waiting for him and I dont remember anything after that. He told me I came down to his car saw him and stumbled over hugging him and then we went up back to my room and I fell on my bed pretty much immediately. So suicide, failed. Couldnt take the pills which would have done me in I hope. Why am I so sad/hateful? My father beat the shit out of me as a kid. Kicked me, punched me, yelled at me. Every day was living hell as a child. I had cancer as a kid and thought I would die and so did the people around me. Somehow, I lived. I'm gay...being gay sucks. A lot. I came out this summer and my dad beat me up so much I was knocked out and woke up bloody all over and had a black/blue face. When I woke up I was thrown out of the house and told to never come back. Nothing hurts more than that. I still can't get over it and every day it hurts me. Most of you have your family still, I don't. I became close with my boyfriend's parents and now his dad dies. So now its just his mother I'm close with. I almost see her as my mother because mine hates e and is embarassed because of me. Every day all of this compounds on me and I feel worse and worse and worse. The only thing that makes me feel better is drinking. I also have cancer, again, and I was told last week that it has more than likely spread to other organs in my body and I have a surgery this month to confirm it. If confirmed, my survival chances are much too low to be optimistic. Dealing with death sucks. Basically, every day of my life so far has been the worst day of my life. There are random positive things in life that make me feel mildly better but only for a short amount of time. I want to drop out of school and just live life. whats the point of going to school if you could die in 3 years or less? u waste ur life. i want to live. I want to see the world and be with my boyfriend who i love. i want to marry him. the other night i contemplated suicide was tonight. i had the pills out again i bought more, but then i saw my BF sleeping and realized i wanted to live. the pain hurts so badly. i'm not gonna kill myself right now please do not worry. i'm going to bed right now and didnt do the pills. they are in the trash in the bathroom.