LOVE Jealousy- what is ok?

CupidStunt

New Member
Jun 1, 2009
569
There's a guy at my gym who I see a lot, and we often chat. We're not exactly friends, but we've been talking to each other for over a year.. we take some of the same group classes. A few weeks ago he ended up asking me out, and although he's always really nice I am not interested because I am really into someone else right now. So yesterday I saw him, we started talking and the subject went to the guy who I am into right now.

***Summary of the situation with the guy who I like who I will call Chris right now. I met Chris on a vacation, we are not in a relationship. He lives halfway across the country and we really like each other, but I am getting over a bad breakup and also don't want to get into a relationship while we are long distance. Chris has visited me 3 times since January, I've gone to see him twice. When I start school in August, I will be living close to him.. (this was not planned, just coincidence) and we may take it to the next level at some point after that, but not before. Meanwhile, we can both do what we want, there's no commitment between us.***

When I told gym guy about the situation with Chris, he pretty much told me that there was no way he'd be able to deal with a situation like that if he really, really liked the girl, because he'd be too jealous. He explained that he'd tried a long distance thing before, and his jealousy (which I thought was paranoia) led to him questioning everything that she told him she did, and it eventually drove him crazy and led to the breakup. He admitted there was never any evidence that she did anything wrong, and he tried to get her back but it was too late.

This topic led to talking about a bunch of other related things, and I pretty much left the gym thinking he was crazy. One thing in particular he said about Chris and my "relationship" was (near quote) "If I was him, an open ended thing wouldn't work for me because I'd start thinking of guys who were trying to hook up with you while I was driving or something and it would throw me off." :ugh: I felt that his statement was so wrong on so many levels...

Since my last relationship ended, I have told myself I wouldn't never deal with another jealous bf again. And some of what gym guy said kind of creeped me out a bit, so my first thought was not to talk to him anymore. But today, I am starting to wonder, is what he said really that crazy? I have of course always heard that some jealousy is healthy, and I am a bit of the other extreme, not a whole lot bothers me and I would prefer the guy I'm dating be the same way. So, first ... do you think that he is off base with the way he acted with the long distance thing? Have you ever felt that way in a similar situation?

Second- imagine you're in a committed long term relationship (at least a year) where you're really into the person. Of the things I am going to list below, would you be ok with them the context of such a relationship? Please explain if any of these examples would bother you..and if they would, would you say or do anything? I am directing these questions as if they're being asked to men since I am a girl, but I would like women to give answers too please. :)

1. A really attractive male friend that your gf has not seen in a while runs up and hugs her right in front of you
2. Your gf hugs guy friends when she sees them
3. Your gf gives a guy friend a friendly peck on the cheek when she sees him
4. Gf dancing with other guys (not grinding or anything, just dancing)
5. Your gf hanging out alone with a platonic friend of the opposite sex
6. Gf having male roommate(s)
7. Gf having a male best friend
8. Gf hanging out with an ex as a friend within a group
9. Gf regularly calling, texting, or otherwise communicating with an ex who she is still friends with
10. Gf going away on a trip with a group but the ex who she is still friends with will be going too... (had this come up wiith a couple of friends of mine a while back, she ended up not going)

Don't take my asking these things as me thinking all of these things are fine.. I am not asking because I have no idea what to think, I am just asking to get perspectives.
 

BritishHumpingWitch

New Member
Dec 19, 2007
40,086
Inside Hendo's groin guard
No matter how many people say that some jealousy within a relationship is 'healthy', I still find it an unflattering insecurity. In fact, it's down-right ugly to live with on a day to day basis. 'Some' will eventually lead to the extreme in alot of cases which I have experienced in a couple past relationships.

Personally, I believe it's all about trust and respect and there are no double-standards in your relationship. In other words, if it's okay for you to do the what was mentioned above, then the same *rules* should apply for your bf / gf.

If you can't trust each other 100% you might as well kiss your relationship good-bye.

That's how I see it, anyway.
 

D7

OT Supporter
Dec 20, 2008
6,406
If you're dating guys close(r) to your age, the majority of them are jealous no matter what you do/don't do. Most of them grow out of it by their early to mid 30s.

I can't even touch the list because you're in the worst age group for that shit. I can say its less bullshit as you get older.

ibflameforgeneralization
 

ForgottenSpiral

Hope and Irony
OT Supporter
Feb 2, 2004
23,336
NoVA
If I was really into someone and ready to commit to them and they were supposedly into me, but refused to commit, I'd be insecure about the relationship. I mean either you want to keep the door open to meet other men or you don't. If you don't then why play games? :dunno:
 

Swarol

OT Supporter
Jun 19, 2007
4,478
New Hampshire
Gym guy seems a little over the top to me and if I had to guess, I'd say he was trying to see if you had any freedom to do what you wanted before you moved closer to Chris. Basically, he's a guy trying to get laid.

I'd be fine with everything on your list. I'm a 33 year old guy and even when younger wasn't the jealous type. I trust MY judgement and if I think a girl isn't trustworthy I won't be with her long term. If I think she IS trustworthy, then there's nothing to be jealous about.
 
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CupidStunt

CupidStunt

New Member
Jun 1, 2009
569
If I was really into someone and ready to commit to them and they were supposedly into me, but refused to commit, I'd be insecure about the relationship. I mean either you want to keep the door open to meet other men or you don't. If you don't then why play games? :dunno:

I don't see it as playing games... I have been completely open and honest with him about everything from the beginning. Right now we're just friends. He's 100 percent free not to go along with what we're doing and go out with other girls at any point. We've had many talks about it, he knew before anything started that it wouldn't go there unless we were still into each other when I started school, and it still may never develop.
 

peoplescar

i dont think thats jealousy. i think that its more concern.

if you told this dude you are interested in that you went out on a date and he got angry then that would be jealousy.

being concerned about a girl you are seeing who is halfway across the country from you is really no big deal. its just being concerned...
 

GTP

New Member
Nov 9, 2004
17,223
In my lab. In Canada.
Second- imagine you're in a committed long term relationship (at least a year) where you're really into the person. Of the things I am going to list below, would you be ok with them the context of such a relationship? Please explain if any of these examples would bother you..and if they would, would you say or do anything? I am directing these questions as if they're being asked to men since I am a girl, but I would like women to give answers too please. :)

1. A really attractive male friend that your gf has not seen in a while runs up and hugs her right in front of you
2. Your gf hugs guy friends when she sees them
3. Your gf gives a guy friend a friendly peck on the cheek when she sees him
4. Gf dancing with other guys (not grinding or anything, just dancing)
5. Your gf hanging out alone with a platonic friend of the opposite sex
6. Gf having male roommate(s)
7. Gf having a male best friend
8. Gf hanging out with an ex as a friend within a group
9. Gf regularly calling, texting, or otherwise communicating with an ex who she is still friends with
10. Gf going away on a trip with a group but the ex who she is still friends with will be going too... (had this come up wiith a couple of friends of mine a while back, she ended up not going)

Don't take my asking these things as me thinking all of these things are fine.. I am not asking because I have no idea what to think, I am just asking to get perspectives.

Woops, bother me?
1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Yes
4. Yes
5. Yes
6. Yes
7. Yes
8. Yes
9. Yes
10. Yes
 

peoplescar

Woops, bother me?
1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Yes
4. Yes
5. Yes
6. Yes
7. Yes
8. Yes
9. Yes
10. Yes

pretty much. ladies you need to realize this shit is not acceptable. that guy explained in all these examples is not your friend because you are a good person... i promise. HE WANTS TO FUCK YOU. and it doesn't matter if it will ever happen but guaranteed it crosses his mind about 10x a day and about 100x when you are hanging out with him. even if it doesnt seem like he would. No man is ever your friend. ever. trust me im a guy ive thought about fucking all my girl friends. and truth be told i have had sex with most of them :rofl:
 

Diesel66

OT Supporter
Feb 20, 2005
134,471
Kc
Why did you think gym guy was crazy ? Pushing too hard, maybe but he's being pretty honest. LDR was set for fail, and you two aren't even officially in a LDR.
 
Apr 26, 2005
430
Maybe if it's reworded to correlate a guy's perspective to your perspective it might be clearer to you

1. A really attractive female friend that your bf has not seen in a while runs up and hugs him right in front of you. You know the female friend really just wants to fuck your bf.
2. Your bf hugs girl friends when she sees them. You know all those girl friends really want to ride your bf's pole.
3. Your bf gives a girl friend a friendly peck on the cheek when he sees her. You know the girl friend wants to give your bf a friendly peck on his dick.
4. Bf dancing with other girls that just want to do the horizontal tango with him(not grinding or anything, just dancing. Eventually they start grinding but hey, no problem right?).
5. Your bf hanging out alone with a platonic friend of the opposite sex. You know it's not really platonic because the friend really wants to have sex with your bf.
6. Bf having female roommate(s) that want to have sex with him
7. Bf having a female best friend that wants to have sex with him
8. Bf hanging out with an ex as a friend within a group. The ex doesn't see him as a friend and will attempt to shag him at any opening.
9. Bf regularly calling, texting, or otherwise communicating with an ex who he is still friends with. You know the ex is just waiting for a sign of relationship woes so she can console him. In her bed. Naked.
10. Bf going away on a trip with a group but the ex who he is still friends with will be going too... And you know the ex wants your bf's marshmellow creme and make s'mores under the moonlight
 

THoC

Well-Known Member
Feb 5, 2007
7,349
1. A really attractive male friend that your gf has not seen in a while runs up and hugs her right in front of you
No it wouldnt bother me

2. Your gf hugs guy friends when she sees them
No


3. Your gf gives a guy friend a friendly peck on thecheek when she sees him
No

4. Gf dancing with other guys (not grinding or anything, just dancing)
hmmm, maybe. i would need to know the guy.

5. Your gf hanging out alone with a platonic friend of the opposite sex
no, again if i know the guy

6. Gf having male roommate(s)
would have to meet the guy. probably not bother me.

7. Gf having a male best friend
No

8. Gf hanging out with an ex as a friend within a group
Depends. if she told me up front and he was not the reason why she was going the no it wouldnt bother me.

9. Gf regularly calling, texting, or otherwise communicating with an ex who she is still friends with
This probably would

10. Gf going away on a trip with a group but the ex who she is still friends with will be going too... (had this come up wiith a couple of friends of mine a while back, she ended up not going)
yes it probably would
 

antihero

OT Supporter
Aug 19, 2002
15,294
NYC
1. he sounds crazy, and is probably a cheater. Cheaters are always the ones with cheating on their minds because its a very real possibility in their world. Just like a robber would never leave his car unlocked because he knows there are thieves out there.

A lot of these are pretty circumstantial.


1. A really attractive male friend that your gf has not seen in a while runs up and hugs her right in front of you

A. no big deal.

2. Your gf hugs guy friends when she sees them

no problem with this, but this VERY specifically does not include anyone who has done anything to obviously disrespect my girlfriend, myself, or the relationship. Those guys MUST not get any voluntary physical affection, and i absolutely expect you to prevent them from initiating physical affection. "He hugged me... there was nothing i could do!" is a poor excuse. This holds true for just about every situation. Once a guy says "you should dump your boyfriend for me" or "give me a blowjob, he'll never find out" hes completely cut.

3. Your gf gives a guy friend a friendly peck on the cheek when she sees him

I don't love this, but if i knew the guy and was ok with him, i wouldnt really care.

4. Gf dancing with other guys (not grinding or anything, just dancing)

not a big deal to me, but i can see how other guys mind. dancing absolutely is a sensual,sexual, romantic activity.

5. Your gf hanging out alone with a platonic friend of the opposite sex
I absolutely have to know and trust the guy to be ok with this. If its some guy ive never met, i think its disrespectful to the relationship. Obviously if its a lab partner for class or something, its a bit different.

6. Gf having male roommate(s)

so long as i never detected any sexual tension id be fine.

7. Gf having a male best friend

so long as i never detected any sexual tension id be fine.

8. Gf hanging out with an ex as a friend within a group

depends on the circumstances.. why aren't I there?

9. Gf regularly calling, texting, or otherwise communicating with an ex who she is still friends with

If its out in the open, same as above. If its in secret and I stumble on it, its going to be a HUGE problem.

10. Gf going away on a trip with a group but the ex who she is still friends with will be going too... (had this come up wiith a couple of friends of mine a while back, she ended up not going)

This is very very questionable. I'd have to have unshakeable faith in all parties. If anything about the situation rubbed me wrong id expect to have veto powers. At the very least i expect to be consulted... not told, "oh by the way im going to be staying in a hotel with so and so far far away. "
 
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CupidStunt

CupidStunt

New Member
Jun 1, 2009
569
If I was really into someone and ready to commit to them and they were supposedly into me, but refused to commit, I'd be insecure about the relationship. I mean either you want to keep the door open to meet other men or you don't. If you don't then why play games? :dunno:

I also wanted to add, it's nto about keeping the door open to being with others, I'm not really interested in meeting other guys right now. I haven't been trying.. just don't want a LDR and not even sure I want a relationship at all.
 

Amanda Ann

New Member
Jan 31, 2007
13,996
FL
None of the things on your list would bother me in my current relationship. The only thing that would bother me is if was hanging out with his ex solo, given their past (were engaged, she broke it off).
 

antihero

OT Supporter
Aug 19, 2002
15,294
NYC
If I was really into someone and ready to commit to them and they were supposedly into me, but refused to commit, I'd be insecure about the relationship. I mean either you want to keep the door open to meet other men or you don't. If you don't then why play games? :dunno:

id rather just wait to get together for real in a few months. LDR's are hell.
 

m45

Well-Known Member
May 2, 2005
111,482
1. A really attractive male friend that your gf has not seen in a while runs up and hugs her right in front of you
Maybe a bit over the top? But acceptable.
2. Your gf hugs guy friends when she sees them
Well that might just be her personality, i wouldn't date someone who is constantly hugging other guys, but the occasional hug is no big deal at all.
3. Your gf gives a guy friend a friendly peck on the cheek when she sees him
Yes, would annoy me
4. Gf dancing with other guys (not grinding or anything, just dancing)
Definitely unacceptable in a committed relationship imo. But depends on the type of dancing, if its at a club no way is it accpetable, but my last gf and I went to some local dancing event in which we had to switch partners and dance with strangers for half of it. No problem there.
5. Your gf hanging out alone with a platonic friend of the opposite sex
This is the problem I have with over obsessive partners, ive lost half of my close female friends because when the BF comes on the scene all of a sudden we arn't allowed to hang out.

Last year i stayed at one of my female friends houses, shes been one of my best friends for 5ish years, nothing has ever happened. I slept on the lounge in the lounge room after a University function she slept in her bed. The boyfriend found out and went ape shit.

For me the distinction is whether they are an OLD male friend, ie pre the relationship or someone new. If its a friend your partner has had for 3+ years and your a newish boyfriend of course there is no problem, but if its some new guy they just met thats a different story.

6. Gf having male roommate(s)
Never had to deal with this. But it would bother me i suppose, unless they were old friends.
7. Gf having a male best friend
Every girl ive dated has close male friends, not excessivly but i think a person is abnormal if they don't have atleast one close male friend. No problem.
8. Gf hanging out with an ex as a friend within a group
Fine as long as your invited and they dont contact eachother out of this (by text or whatever)
9. Gf regularly calling, texting, or otherwise communicating with an ex who she is still friends with
I dont think you would find anyone who this isn't a problem with.
10. Gf going away on a trip with a group but the ex who she is still friends with will be going too... (had this come up wiith a couple of friends of mine a while back, she ended up not going)
Going on a trip without her partner? Thats just ludicracy and asking for trouble.


Answered as honestly as possible.

Also that guy you spoke too in the gym is one smooth character :rofl::rofl:
 
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CupidStunt

CupidStunt

New Member
Jun 1, 2009
569
pretty much. ladies you need to realize this shit is not acceptable. that guy explained in all these examples is not your friend because you are a good person... i promise. HE WANTS TO FUCK YOU. and it doesn't matter if it will ever happen but guaranteed it crosses his mind about 10x a day and about 100x when you are hanging out with him. even if it doesnt seem like he would. No man is ever your friend. ever. trust me im a guy ive thought about fucking all my girl friends. and truth be told i have had sex with most of them :rofl:

Ok, well I do understand that guys think that way. But, just because a guy wants to fuck your gf doesn't mean she will go for it. So.... you can't be ok with any of that even if you're sure SHE'D never go there?

10. Gf going away on a trip with a group but the ex who she is still friends with will be going too... (had this come up wiith a couple of friends of mine a while back, she ended up not going)
yes it probably would

Would you maybe be ok with this if she told you beforehand?
 

antihero

OT Supporter
Aug 19, 2002
15,294
NYC
Ok, well I do understand that guys think that way. But, just because a guy wants to fuck your gf doesn't mean she will go for it. So.... you can't be ok with any of that even if you're sure SHE'D never go there?

Him wanting to is not a problem. Him trying to is a huge problem. The moment he starts saying anything or resting his hand on your leg or any of that a decent girl will remove herself from the situation and not end up in it again.
 

m45

Well-Known Member
May 2, 2005
111,482
Ok, well I do understand that guys think that way. But, just because a guy wants to fuck your gf doesn't mean she will go for it. So.... you can't be ok with any of that even if you're sure SHE'D never go there?

Because why is she hanging out with him if thats what he wants? How unfair on your partner is that? I agree, as a male and knowing other males pretty much the first thing a guy will assess within meeting a chick is "should i have sex with her" when he deems this as a yay or nay for whatever reason he than moves onto either attempting to do that or friendzoning her.

Just understand that it is at great frustration to the male species that girls fail to recognise this and try and lump every guy who pays them a compliment as 'being nice' when it suits the female for it to be that way.

I am not saying no male can ever be your friend, for instance if you've been the guys friend for 5 years and he's never hit on you, chances are he maybe just values your friendship and doesn't want sex (he doesn't find you attractive?) the second catagory is the one were the guy has a girlfriend.
 

m45

Well-Known Member
May 2, 2005
111,482
Would you maybe be ok with this if she told you beforehand?

Again, what does telling you before hand matter? :ugh: I would EXPECT my partner to tell me if she was going on a holiday that her ex is going :rofl:.

I often wonder if maybe i expect a relationship to be too serious, but when i'm in one its usually of the nature that we tell eachother what happened during the day, everyday. I'm well aware that some people carry on relationships at arms length catching up weekly but i also pose the question, why isnt your boyfriend invited on this holiday?
 
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CupidStunt

CupidStunt

New Member
Jun 1, 2009
569
Him wanting to is not a problem. Him trying to is a huge problem. The moment he starts saying anything or resting his hand on your leg or any of that a decent girl will remove herself from the situation and not end up in it again.

Ok, so on that note, do you get upset at her because she put herself in a situation where he tried? For example, say he guy was kind of liking her, but she kind of blew that off because he had been pretty harmless, and then one day he tried something? And is it fine for her to hang with him alone before he tries anything. I got the feeling from other posts that this is not ok with some people.

You don't want to know my opinion about those two things you mentioned... :noes:
 

m45

Well-Known Member
May 2, 2005
111,482
You don't want to know my opinion about those two things you mentioned... :noes:

Why? You can share your opinion as you like?

I guarantee you there is millions of girls in the world who would take the attention of the guy hitting on them, and continue to play that guy along while keeping it from their boyfriend :dunno:

People do worthless things, both males and females do. I highly doubt hearing the opinion of a female on the internet will offend us.
 

antihero

OT Supporter
Aug 19, 2002
15,294
NYC
Ok, so on that note, do you get upset at her because she put herself in a situation where he tried? For example, say he guy was kind of liking her, but she kind of blew that off because he had been pretty harmless, and then one day he tried something? And is it fine for her to hang with him alone before he tries anything. I got the feeling from other posts that this is not ok with some people.

You don't want to know my opinion about those two things you mentioned... :noes:

Its all circumstantial. If its an old friend, its fine with me to hang out with him until he tries something or starts acting out on his crush. If its painfully obvious that hes in love, but he never acts in any other way then respectful, then I'd be ok with it.

A woman in a relationship has no business spending purely social time alone with some new guy.

The problem is you said "mostly harmless" which i have a problem with. I don't want to walk in the middle of some "joke" and have you tell me hes "mostly harmless". He either acts respectfully of your relationship, or else its disrespectful of you to continue to spend time with him. Short end of the story is that if there was a camera in the room and I watched and listened in, would anything be a problem for me? If the answers well yeah, but you don't know him, hes just kidding blah blah blah... thats wrong and a good GF wouldn't be in that situation. If you had no reason to suspect and a guy tried and you left immediately and told me about it, i'd consider that evidence that youre a good girlfriend. That would make me trust that you can take care of yourself and that you respect me and the relationship.

whats your opinion?
 

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