i have a real hard time with society. its all my fault, but the problem remains. i dont blame anyone else. i never have anything to say. everyone i meet or know wonders why i dont try to connect with them more, and the truth is i dont know. i cant figure out if its because i dont know how, or dont want to, or i just get bored, or what. i've had great relationships in the past, but every one has ended up the same way - slowly dwindling until keeping in touch no longer feels necessary. i got a new job programming at a small company, and while everyone there is nice to me, i make them feel awkward when i dont have much to say at lunch. i work all day in my office and dont really get a chance to socialize with the artists and everyone else, but they seem to feel like i should be. theres one guy there that is really funny and sort of depends on jokes and fooling around to socialize, and i just dont feel it i guess? they start laughing and calling eachother names, and i just kinda sit there with a fake smile on. i play bass guitar in a rock band with 3 other chill guys, and i cant even socialize with them most of the time. its the same problem, where one guy talks a shit load and likes to make jokes, and i just cant hang i guess. I dont know what my problem is. My attitude towards life has degenerated quite a bit in the past few years. I used to have more motivation. Now everything feels less important. i dont fucking care about anything. it would feel good to care, but i dont. i girlfriend would be nice, but every girl i meet only likes me till they get to know me and realize im not a social butterfly. i dont have any reason to be unhappy. i've got a good skill set, a good job, good people around me. i dont have a lot of money, but i have food, a roof, and transportation. fuck. i feel like kurt cobain at 1:40: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVwSmG3eYBw#t=1m40s im just kinda writing this all as a self examination type deal, but feel free to chime in. ill be updating a bit more probably.