Let me start off with this: Love is a mother fucker. ok. A year ago, I was a freshmen in college. I was experiencing a new world with unlimited oppurtunities at my fingertips. I was meeting new people and generally a very happy person. Then I met a girl. She happened to live down the hall from me in my dorm, and had been friends since the begining of the year. We took a road trip together to a concert in San Diego and I kissed her for the first time during "Its a wild world" by barrington levy. For the rest of the year we were very happy. We had an awesome sex life, a fun social life (we went to Rosarito Mexico for spring break together), and we were even best friends. I thought I was in love with her, but she had told me plenty of times to never say it unless I meant it, and I totally agreed. We never told eachother we loved eachother. So then summer came. I live in northern california (when not in school), and she grew up in Japan. two months went by and I hadn't seen her. I was doing summer school in santa barbara (we both go to UCSB), and she was working in Japan. One night we were talking on the phone and she said she was lonely, and really missed me, and I told her the same. She half-jokingly/wishfully asked me to go visit her in Japan, and I thought about it for a second or two and told her I would. I dropped the rest of my summerschool classes, bought a passport (PAIN IN THE ASS), bought a plane ticket (800 bucks round trip...not cheap for a college student), and two weeks later I was in Tokyo, on a bus, and she was going to pick me up when it stopped. When I stepped off the bus and saw her, my chest felt lighter than ever, and my stomach got some butterflies. My lungs made me quickly inhale, and I found it difficult to let the breath back out. I was in love. The next day, we went for a walk in the park near her childhood home, and I was thinking about how to say that I loved her. She sat me down and looked in my eyes and told me she had something she wanted to talk about. So I said, ok me too...but you first. Then she said "I met another guy, and I dont think I can be with you anymore." I stayed in Japan for the next two weeks. I rode around the streets alone, and I couldn't speak to anyone. I stayed with her family, but I didn't like being there. The pain was unbearable, and the tears were my worst enemy because I couldn't stop them. I drank a lot, because I could. When I got back to Santa Barbara for the new school year I wasn't myself. I didn't want to talk to anyone, and my relationships with friends started to hurt. I never knew the true pain/emptiness of depression until the last few months. When I dream at night she is always there, and she is lying next to me, and I'm holding her, I can feel her hand in mine, and then I wake up and I'm cold. I've tried telling her how I feel about her, but she doesn't care. She never visits anymore (she used to be really good friends with all of my friends, she was part of the group), she only parties and has a new group of friends. I haven't seen her for over a month, but I've heard she is VERY VERY skinny, and not eating. I dont know what to do. When I see her, my whole chest turns into that of a multiple stab wound victim, and I can almost feel the blood trickling down my stomach. At the same time, when I realize I'll never get to hear her laugh again, my eyes swell with tears. I want to be her friend, and I want to mash her head in. I care about her so much, and I'm worried about her eating (she was annorexic in highschool). How can I reach her? How can I get things between us to be ok again? How can I make the pain go away when I see her? If I pretend like everything is fine for long enough...will it eventually be ok?