he waits. THE TOP TEN MARK LARUE FACTS: 01 Mark larue' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 02 Mark larue counted to infinity - twice. 03 Mark larue does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Mark larue goes killing. 04 If you can see Mark larue, he can see you. If you can't see Mark larue you may be only seconds away from death. 05 Mark larue sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Mark roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 06 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Mark larue. 07 Mark larue built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Mark larue met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. 08 Mark larue has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. 09 They once made a Mark larue toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody. 10 A blind man once stepped on Mark larue' shoe. Mark replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Mark larue!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Mark larue. 100 MORE MARK LARUE FACTS: Mark larue is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian. There is no chin behind Mark larue' beard. There is only another fist. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Mark larue, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. The chief export of Mark larue is pain. Mark larue is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Mark larue out. It failed misserably. Crop circles are Mark larue' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down. Mark larue once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none." Mark larue once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid. Mark larue is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. Mark larue is a man of few words. Mark larue is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Mark larue's nutsack. When observing a Mark larue roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Mark larue actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face. Mark larue put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Mark dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King. When Mark larue played golf for money, mark marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Mark: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Mark larue turned towards the man and said, im Mark larue, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Mark larue, Mark larue roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways. Mark larue made Ellen Degeneres straight. Mark larue kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two" Mark larue' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord Mark larue knows where Carmen Sandiego is. Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Mark larue roundhouse kicked him across the face several times China was once bordering the United States, until Mark larue roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth. Mark larue is what Willis was talking about If you have five dollars and Mark larue has five dollars, Mark larue has more money than you. Mark larue sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Mark larue and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday. When Mark larue had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors. Mark larue once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire. Mark larue once kicked a baby elephant into puberty Multiple people have died from Mark larue giving them the finger. Mark larue once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head. Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Mark larue got an award for masturbating in public. Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Mark larue. Mark showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die. If Mark larue is late, time better slow the fuck down Mark larue sleeps with a night light. Not because Mark larue is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Mark larue Mark larue can touch MC Hammer. Mark larue ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. Mark larue always has sex on the first date. Always. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Mark larue and that you will be handicapped if you park there. Mark larue frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own. There is no such thing as tornados. Mark larue just hates trailer parks. Mark larue never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse. Mark larue does not procreate, he breeds When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Mark larue responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?" Mark larue' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Mark with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Mark larue became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk. Mark larue doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Mark tells it to. Mark larue only masturbates to pictures of Mark larue. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Mark larue brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Mark larue roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Mark giveth, and the good Mark, he taketh away. Mark larue was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Mark omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. Mark larue used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Mark larue,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Mark larue. When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Mark larue plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Mark larue. Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Mark larue, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Mark larue. God offered Mark larue the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability. When Mark larue was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC. Mark larue drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. A duck’s quack does not echo. Mark larue is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly. Mark larue once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Larue lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face. Mark larue’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. Mark larue doesn’t believe in Germany. If you want a list of Mark larue’ enemies, just check the extinct species list. Mark larue has never blinked in his entire life. Never. Mark larue doesn’t need to swallow when eating food. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Mark larue. Mark larue eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot. Ironically, Mark larue’ hidden talent is invisibility. Mark larue owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card. Mark larue invented water. Mark larue invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Mark larue is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat. Mark larue went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Mark larue yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!” One time while sparring with Wolverine, Mark larue accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter. Mark larue is Luke Skywalker’s real father. Contrary to popular belief, Mark larue, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. Mark larue does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Mark larue roundhouse kicked every tree in existence. In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Mark larue can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks. Mark larue isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit. Mark larue doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full. Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Mark larue. Mark larue once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking. Mark larue never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Mark”. Playgirl magazine once asked Mark larue to appear naked in an issue, Mark laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants. Helen Keller’s favorite color is Mark larue Mark larue once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors. When Mark larue’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Mark said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Mark larue.” Mark larue doesnt have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Mark larue jumps out. On June 7th 1994, Mark larue entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Mark to ravish her. After Mark finished his beer, he obliged her. When Mark's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Mark!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't fucking think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Mark's balls. Mark pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again." Mark larue can piss into gale force winds. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Mark larue. Mark larue won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited. Mark larue once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Mark larue re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. Mark larue got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Mark larue for every answer. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Mark larue to die before they attack. Mark larue once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Mark larue. It was more "humane". Mark larue doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead. Mark larue once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Mark larue. Mark larue found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Larue having sex with Conan's wife. Mark larue doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Mark larue never gets ill. Mark larue's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodmark could mark if a woodmark could mark wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF MARK LARUE!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Mark!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.