MIL Military Humor

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by mrduke, Aug 15, 2005.

  1. mrduke

    mrduke Active Member

    Jun 1, 2004
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    These were just emailed to me. They might be reposts, but I thought they were all pretty funny so I'll share 'em anyway: :fawkd:

    Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

    After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."

    After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief, United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons . . both Admirals.


    During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,"Yours is."


    Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his New position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."!

    Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

    "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."


    Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!"

    Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you.

    Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

    Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.


    An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

    The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

    The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

    "Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave." No sir, after I get out of the navy I am never going to stand in line again!"


    The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. "You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

    The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

    "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

    The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

    "Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

    Feel free to add your own :wiggle:
  2. ManinCamo

    ManinCamo I wear big boy pants.

    Jul 5, 2001
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    '01 OG
  3. gookarachie

    gookarachie New Member

    Jan 31, 2005
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  4. gino85

    gino85 fuck your honda civic, i've a horse outside

    Aug 5, 2005
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    Sligo, Ireland
    some useful info

    Friendly fire - isn't

    You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

    The easy way is always mined.

    Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

    No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
    No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

    The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

    Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

    Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

    If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.
  5. clever_username

    clever_username Well-Known Member

    Jul 8, 2005
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    Oklahoma City
    a year or two ago i saw something on a website. it was something to the effect of this dumb ass private made a list of shit he wasn't allowed to do (after experiencing first hand the results). it was a pretty long list, real damn funny. anyone know what i'm talking about?
  6. Zourn

    Zourn 16-bit Ninja OT Supporter

    Apr 3, 2002
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  7. JL

    JL Wander-er OT Supporter

    Jan 1, 2005
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    buddy sent these to me a while back......

    You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F.Crickmore
    - test pilot)

    From an old carrier sailor - Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes
    in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

    If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
    helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

    When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
    power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

    Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

    What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
    If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

    Never trade luck for skill.

    The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
    "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh ....!"

    Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

    Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
    complete the flight.

    A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row
    is prevarication.

    Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
    person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about

    When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

    Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held
    on a sunny day.

    Advice given to RAF pilots during W. W. II. When a prang (crash) seems
    inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
    vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

    The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill
    you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

    If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash
    as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

    If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride it
    down. (Ernest K. Gann, author &aviator)

    Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

    There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over
    squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

    The three best things in life are a good landing, a good ......, and a
    good bowel movement.
    The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where
    you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but
    someone who's been there)

    "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee
    attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

    If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

    Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near
    the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance
    of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more
    difficult to fly there.

    You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power
    to taxi to the terminal.
  8. mrduke

    mrduke Active Member

    Jun 1, 2004
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  9. Gaunt

    Gaunt blood for the blood god OT Supporter

    Apr 16, 2005
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    :rofl::rofl::rofl: i cant stop laughing at skippy

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