I don't know why, I posted this in my blog yesterday but I felt like I should post it here in OT as well seeing as how I've gotten lots of help from everyone here over the past years. When you get on the very touch subject of rape and molestation it's like whoa, especially involving children. You just touched that topic that should be silenced and avoided, maybe that's the problem right there. This is something that happens everyday to people everywhere, those we know/don't know and maybe it could be happening to someone in your own home, or even you! It's said that most children who are raped, molested, and sexually abused are often victims of a neighbor, family friend, or even worse a family member. (This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write) Until this past weekend when I returned home to KY for a family reunion, I can honestly say that I hadn't given it a second thought in months. I had actually blocked it out and was totally clear-minded. Only when I overheard a lady who happened to be my cousin say; "Yeah it was so sad what they did to that girl. Her own two brothers who were her guardians had her locked up for days, beat her and took turns raping her. I honestly in my heart think I'd kill someone if they did that to one of my children!" It was then, that very moment. Everything came back to me so vividly and so clear breaking that barrier that I had put up for so long; the weather outside, the way he smelled, what he was wearing, what I ate that morning, how he grabbed me. All of a sudden I felt weak and helpless just as I did back then. It made me feel less of a person and at the same time so angry and frustrated. Until today I've never spoken to anyone about this or even thought of telling a soul. I was too embarrassed and ashamed of what others would think or say about me. Yet, for some reason I felt the urge to write this down and make the first step at some sort of closure for myself. So here goes... As a child I myself was molested several times by a family member, there I said it. I have now cried myself to sleep about it for the past three nights, and all I want to do is go back to forgetting it ever happened and put up my wall but I can't. It's something that won't go away, ever! It can't. I just remember it being around noon on a summer day and wanting to go play outside and soon as I'd touch that doorknob there he was in his deep voice "Hey, where you going? You know you can't go outside yet, we gotta do something first." That's where it all started, he wouldn't let me go outside or play any games until he'd had his own fun. It was in my great-grandmothers house in which I'd stay while my mother was working. I'd say I was probably around 5yrs. old as I don't have any recollection of my little sister being around yet. He would take me into the bathroom and make me unzip his pants and then tell me to pull down mine while he touched me and jerked himself off. He'd then bend me over the bathtub and tell me to be quiet and I just remember crying and the pain and he'd stop because my grandmothers room was just a door over and he didn't want to awaken her. He would then make me go out onto the back porch while he jerked off and and make me watch and sometimes touch him. While your normal 5yr. old has no chores and is free to play with toys and go outside, I was subjected to the sick sexual desires of not only a man but my own family! So I sat back and thought of what my cousin had said at the family reunion about how she truly believed in her heart that she would kill someone who were to ever touch her child like that. I just wondered what she'd do if she found out it was her son?