SRS Mom asked us to move in

JBunni

New Member
Apr 15, 2009
1,021
east of here
Things have been really tough for my mom financially lately. And yesterday, she asked my husband and I to move into her house. She has the space. They currently have 2 empty bedrooms and a large bonus room upstairs.

I love my mom, and I want to help her out. In my head I cant imagine saying no to her. She has done SO much for us. But I have some concerns about this. I have only been out of the house a year and a half. My sister and I have always had a very strained relationship. It has been better lately, mostly be cause I do not see her that often, and when she does piss me off, I can just leave. I told myself when I moved out that I could NEVER live with her again. She says she has changed, and has agreed to give us our space and compromise over some issues we have had in the past. And while that sounds good, I just dont know if it is in her to keep her word about it. My husband has voiced concerns over this as well. He says he doesnt want to be in the middle or having to break us up. Plus I know when we would fight it would upset my mother, which I dont want to do.

My mom and I see eye to eye on most things, and I dont think we have ever actually had a fight. But my sister and my mom fight. Not all the time, because my mom is pretty easy going, but my sister can be so disrespectful and rude to her, and sometimes she just refuses to take it. I feel like if we moved in I might start a fight with my sister when she is being disrespectful to our mom, just like used to happen. Right now my sister can get her way pretty much all the time. She has run of the house for the most part. I never liked being under her demands/wants. I do not know if she has eased up, become more 'compromising' or if she just seems that way because no one is there to challenge her authority.

Plus there is the issue of losing our apartment. It is small, and older, but it is ours. Like I said, I have only been on my own a year and a half, I love having our own place. Its hard to describe. Its my kitchen. I can have it organized the way I want. I know exactly what is in the refrigerator, and the pantry. If I am hungry, i know what is there. I dont have to search through them trying to find anything. I know might sound dumb, but I very much like having my own kitchen.

We have also been in talks with my cousin to possibly move in with us. We would end up getting a bigger apartment to share with him. But he is not quite ready to move yet, so that would not be until next year. My mom needs us to move in and help financially until she can sell the house. She cannot sell until February because she got the 8k tax break, and she has not been in the house three years yet. And apparently things are too tight for them to make it to next year. So we would be with my mom for 9 months (ish), and then we would get a new place, and have my cousin move in with us for at least a year. We would not have a place to ourselves for pretty much the next two years. And we have only been married a year and a half. I love my mom and my cousin both, and I know how much they both need our help. And I cannot imagine saying no to either of them.

There are several benefits/perks to living with my mom. The household expenditures would be cheaper for us. (And help her out). She has a washer/dryer. We've been using hers anyway, but now we wouldnt have to drive 30 mins to do so. It is closer to both of our jobs. We spend a lot of time in her city as opposed to the one we currently live in. Our jobs our there, we have friends there, my dad lives close to there. So it would save a ton on gas. Plus we would save on groceries. My mom's community is FAR nicer than where we are now. It also has a pool. She also has a jacuzzi tub, which I love. Splitting meals would mean we do not have to cook all the time. There are a lot of advantages. At this point, I'm just not sure they outweigh the negatives or potential negatives. My husband and I have to sit down and write out a pros and cons list. I just wanted to write this out and possibly get some opinions. I havent been able to get my mind off it.

In case anyone asks, my moms situation: She bought the house, and ended up getting fired a month later. She didnt have a job for over a year and was living off inheritance money. She finally found a job, but it is not enough to cover the costs of the house. The inheritance money is gone now, and she cannot sell until the 3 year mark. Not to mention the housing market sucks right now and she is not sure she can sell for a decent price.
 

MattThom01

Active Member
Jan 2, 2006
8,506
About the only thing I can think of is:

1. You have to do what's best for YOU.

2. If you do move in, make sure you have a move-out plan made up. You do not want to get yourself in a situation where you are stuck there.

3. I know that if you decline the request, it will be hard. But you mom has to realize you're an adult now, and have to live your life accordingly, doing what is best for YOU.
 

Ritley

Active Member
Jun 4, 2007
1,918
Missouri
About the only thing I can think of is:

1. You have to do what's best for YOU.

3. I know that if you decline the request, it will be hard. But you mom has to realize you're an adult now, and have to live your life accordingly, doing what is best for YOU.

I really disagree with "always doing what is best for you". Do you really never do any favors or make any sacrifices for people you care about, simply because it's not what is best for you?
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
If fighting is your only concern and the rest is good for everyone then it seems simple. That is, do not fight.

If you are paying money then you will have more say in the matter.

If your sister is causing a lot of trouble and causing you not to move in then your mom can always kick her out. No one is talking about that. Kick the little punk out and let her learn from the school of hard knocks.
 
TS
TS

JBunni

New Member
Apr 15, 2009
1,021
east of here
If fighting is your only concern and the rest is good for everyone then it seems simple. That is, do not fight.

If you are paying money then you will have more say in the matter.

If your sister is causing a lot of trouble and causing you not to move in then your mom can always kick her out. No one is talking about that. Kick the little punk out and let her learn from the school of hard knocks.

I wish things were that simple. They should be, but they are not. I would rather not fight. But there was no avoiding most fights we would get into. She was a disrespectful little punk who had to get her way. If she wasn't happy, nobody was. I spent most of my time in my room when I lived there because my sister had control over the rest of the house.

The way things were, it wouldnt matter if I was paying or not. She didnt have any respect for me as a human being, and she didn't/doesnt have any respect for my mother, who does actually pay all the bills. My sister has gotten better about being financially demanding. My mom still pays for everything, but my sister understands/doesnt complain as much that they do not have cable, or she had to down grade from an iphone, etc. She does not demand as much financially, although she is still not contributing.

And my mom would never kick her out. Its just not in her nature. She just couldnt do it, although she says she has thought about it. I just know she never would.

I do think she and I have matured a bit, but I'm not sure if its enough.
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
Well that is your weakness. You take all of your weakness and put the blame on your sister but all of that is lack that you have inside.
 

7960

Well-Known Member
Oct 17, 2004
60,033
New England
I think what she is saying is that if she doesnt wait until 3 years are up she will have to pay the 8k tax rebate back.

Oh.

So she bought a house she couldn't afford and now needs kids to move back in to help pay the bills. Gotcha.
 

D-FENS

New Member
Nov 13, 2002
5,066
If your mom can't afford the house she should sell it. Why does she have to wait 3 years?
YES

I am so sick of this notion that just because someone has something at one point (even if they knew they didn't have the money to pay it off), that they deserve to have it forever. Tell her to move out and get a smaller place and volunteer to help with the move, but no adults should have to continue living with their parents once they've established themselves independently, so no reason other than that your mom doesn't want to give up something she can't afford. You need to call it like it is, a large house is a luxury, and you need to realize when you can no longer afford luxury, and start living within her means. If the 3 year thing is that big of a deal, have her rent out the place to somebody else, not family. While I don't know you or your mom, I'd be willing to bet that you would be really sick of the situation within a month or two. I'm taking a 2 month vacation at my parents place this summer, and while we have a great relationship and they are not at all intrusive, I would hate having to live with my parents as a long term plan.

If nothing else, ask yourself this: when you and your husband are meeting someone new and just chit-chatting and something comes up about where you live, do you really want to say "we live with my mom"
 
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7960

Well-Known Member
Oct 17, 2004
60,033
New England
And my mom would never kick her out. Its just not in her nature. She just couldnt do it, although she says she has thought about it. I just know she never would.
Tell mom you'll move in if she kicks her out. When she says no tell mom she should start having sis pay her share. When mom says no point out you gave her teo options to help afford the house and she refused them both, so ask if she really needs the money.

That should be an interesting conversation.
 

THoC

Well-Known Member
Feb 5, 2007
7,349
I wish things were that simple. They should be, but they are not. I would rather not fight. But there was no avoiding most fights we would get into. She was a disrespectful little punk who had to get her way. If she wasn't happy, nobody was. I spent most of my time in my room when I lived there because my sister had control over the rest of the house.

The way things were, it wouldnt matter if I was paying or not. She didnt have any respect for me as a human being, and she didn't/doesnt have any respect for my mother, who does actually pay all the bills. My sister has gotten better about being financially demanding. My mom still pays for everything, but my sister understands/doesnt complain as much that they do not have cable, or she had to down grade from an iphone, etc. She does not demand as much financially, although she is still not contributing.

And my mom would never kick her out. Its just not in her nature. She just couldnt do it, although she says she has thought about it. I just know she never would.

I do think she and I have matured a bit, but I'm not sure if its enough.


seems pretty simple...

mom: move in with me. i cannot afford the house.
you: have my sister help you since she lives with you instead of letting her be another financial problem... or kick her out and i'll move in.
mom: i cant do it.
you: then you must not need my help that bad.
 

Diesel66

OT Supporter
Feb 20, 2005
134,469
Kc
Do not do this.

If your mom can't afford the house, she either needs to move or rent a room out.
 

D-FENS

New Member
Nov 13, 2002
5,066
I've never been one for the whole "family first" business. Of course I'll help my family in many situations I where I probably wouldn't be so quick to volunteer for anybody else, but there's a point where I decide that I don't care that we have some genetics in common; if someone is a shitty enough person, I'm dumping them from my life, family or not (in reference to your sister). or in your mother's case, you need to tell her that even though she's your mom, you can't go making a huge decision about your living situation simply so she can have a place that's more comfortable than where she could afford on her money alone. Just from what I know of parents who ask their children for financial help, I'd imagine she's making it out like if you don't move in with her, that she'll simply be living on the street asking people for change. Be prepared to continually remind her that that is not the case, and all she needs to do is move into a smaller place that is within her budget and everything will be absolutely fine, with the only cost being her pride and some level of comfort.
 
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CommanderFish

OT Supporter
Jan 9, 2011
48,009
South Jersey
Don't take over responsibility of your family's financial mistakes. Only leads to more bullshit. You are going to hate life as soon as you move in.

Also don't be surprised if it stresses your relationship with your husband because he can always just leave if he doesn't like the situation.
 

Tevin

Member
Sep 11, 2010
453
Helping mom is a nice idea and to an extent you do owe her assistance.

Are you ready for the "but"?

Your priority should be your husband not your mom. It's not your job, and certainly not your husband's job, to give up your happy home so she can keep hers. Why doesn't your cousin move in with her instead of you? Why isn't your sister helping? Do you plan on propping her up too? If you make this move, what happens to the cousin?

There are plenty of ways you can help your mom without living with her: Help her go through her bills and see what can be cut. Find her a roommate. Give her some gas or grocery money. Invite her to your house for a meal or two per week. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing ultimatum of "if we don't move in mom will be homeless!"

I'm getting the feeling that you mom wants you back for reasons other than just money. It would be a good idea to discuss that topic with her. There are so few ways this can end well; it would be better for your marriage if mom let the house go into foreclosure and she came to live with you. Tell the cousin sorry, but you have to help your mom.

Good luck!
:wavey:
 
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Coottie

BOOMER......SOONER
OT Supporter
Jun 6, 2006
32,213
OKC
Wait...mom can't afford to live with your sister there and pay for her shit also? So the answer is to move you and your husband in with her?

Wow....run, don't walk from that shit.

Seriously, I can't think of a worse burden to put on your husband/relationship.

If she can't afford to live on her own....she damned sure can't afford to pay for all your sister's shit. It's really that fucking simple in my mind.

This is like those people that get food stamps but still fucking have cable TV in their homes.

Sorry, I just can't stand this kind of thing.
 

Midgetized

Don't mess with Douche Cat
May 29, 2000
49,721
San Diego, CA
If she has all that extra space then she can rent it out for way more money than she would get from you. I wouldn't move in with her, it's not worth the stress.
 

Lateralus

Active Member
Sep 4, 2001
5,931
Midwest
This has bad written all over it, you should not move in with her. You're working on building your own life now, let your mom pay the stupid tax and fix her own mistakes.
 

djshotglass

New Member
May 4, 2007
3,756
don't do it if it won't benefit you

It sounds like your sister needs an attitude adjustment. And she definitely needs to be kicked out if she's not helping out in any way.
 

iwishyouwerebeer

you shut your cunt
Sep 1, 2006
31,941
Considering everything you've ever written about your mom & sister that I've read I can confidently say this move would end your marriage.
 

IslanderOffRoad

Do you even lift kit?
Dec 23, 2003
82,163
Houston, Tx
How much help on the mortgage does mom really need?

How much could you afford to help her while retaining your current living situation?

I'd rather throw mom a few hundred bucks a month (assuming you can afford it) temporarily than move back in and deal with it all.

But yes, mom should be getting your sis to help out, renting out those rooms and seeing what she can get for the house. So what if she has to pay the 8k tax break back.
 

Bacardi 151

New Member
Jun 2, 2004
10,359
In your head
Tell mom you'll move in if she kicks her out. When she says no tell mom she should start having sis pay her share. When mom says no point out you gave her teo options to help afford the house and she refused them both, so ask if she really needs the money.

That should be an interesting conversation.

Pretty much this.
 

Stilgar1973

New Member
Aug 12, 2006
8,340
I really disagree with "always doing what is best for you". Do you really never do any favors or make any sacrifices for people you care about, simply because it's not what is best for you?

While I see your point and think that 97% of the times in our life it IS the most valid and moral way of looking at things...

This is DEFINITELY one of the 3%.

You got the fuck out of the house. You are living on your own. You are learning to pay bills, you are learning how to go from teenager to young adult.

I applaud you. There is a problem in our society where kiddies are using every goddamned excuse they can think of to continue to live in Mommy and Daddy's basements.

Thing is, what your Mother is asking of you isn't really fair. Not to be a dick about this issue, but it is a problem of her own making.
It is also a problem that is running rampant in our society right now.

There are interesting options. If you feel like being a homeowner (and I wouldn't blame you if at this stage in your life you didn't feel like being one) you could offer to switch places with your mother.
Have her sign a contract agreeing to sell you the house at a specified price in 3 years. She and your sister moves out NOW to an apartment. You move into the house and take over the mortgage.

She eats the $8K and puts it on the market is another.

She lets herself be foreclosed on and go into bankruptcy is yet another.
 

Stilgar1973

New Member
Aug 12, 2006
8,340
Tell mom you'll move in if she kicks her out. When she says no tell mom she should start having sis pay her share. When mom says no point out you gave her teo options to help afford the house and she refused them both, so ask if she really needs the money.

That should be an interesting conversation.

You and I often think along similar lines.

While I completely agree with what you are suggesting, it makes me a bit sad that someone that has managed to get out of the nest and make her way in the world is being pulled back in like this.

I see this as a mess of her Mothers making. Getting the fuck out was the right thing for her to do. The situation is sad, but not unavoidable.
 

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