SRS my ex is already sleeping with people

TiffanyTJB

New Member
Dec 7, 2007
158
My ex moved out last weekend. Yesterday I found out he is already sleeping with people. When I found out I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

Ok, I know we are broken up and he can do whatever he wants. But I just didn't think it would happen so fast. It kind of hurt my feelings and my head knows I have no right to feel this way, but I kind of do. This is my problem, not his.
I guess this is the best bad news I ever got. I had been thinking of having convenient sex with him but not after he's hooking up with people. No way.

I am over him but I am not over being broken up with and left. I have a lot of friends but I still feel by myself, like at night. I guess that will go away over time.

My ex and I have been to dinner a few times and IM during the day. We made an agreement to still be friends and I was all for it but now I think I just need some distance or something.

I don't know, it just really sucked when I found out that he had hooked up in a one night stand. And I wish he had just told me instead of me having to find out.
 

7960

Well-Known Member
Oct 17, 2004
60,034
New England
you're in pain and i feel for you so i hope this isn't rude, but i read this
I had been thinking of having convenient sex with him .......
and immediately thought "she'll still go back to him, now it will just take a little longer."

please have some respect for yourself and stick to your guns and keep him dumped.




and btw,
I wish he had just told me instead of me having to find out.
why should he have thought to tell you? no matter what you want to believe you're not friends. you broke up, leave him behind and move on.
 
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TiffanyTJB

New Member
Dec 7, 2007
158
I am not planning to go back with him. He was not a very good BF and most of the five years I knew that. There are about 100 things that are his opposite that I will be looking for in a new relationship. He is not a bad person, just not good for me. I was stuck and I am lucky he ended the relationship so I can find someone who is better suited for me. It just hurts right after the breakup, no matter how ill matched we were. You know?

I was just planning to be friends with him and go to dinner, chat on IM during the day, maybe watch a movie occasionally, etc. The sex was really good and I figured we might as well do it since he was right upstairs and since we both had said we weren't going to be dating for a while. But I guess I see now that would have been a pretty bad idea and I'm really glad we didn't.
 

7960

Well-Known Member
Oct 17, 2004
60,034
New England
please listen to yourself
He was not a very good BF
I knew that.
There are about 100 things that are his opposite that I will be looking for in a new relationship.
He is ...just not good for me.
I was stuck
I am lucky he ended the relationship
(we were) ill matched

but then you go on to say
I was just planning to be friends with him

why? what happened in your past that's making you seek out people who aren't good for you?
 
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TiffanyTJB

New Member
Dec 7, 2007
158
serious question:

If he were to tell you that out of respect for you, he isn't going to sleep with anyone until you tell him its okay, how long would you make him wait?

We are not together and I have no say in when he starts dating other people. The moment he broke up with me and moved out, I knew that it was none of my business.
It just hurt my feelings because it took my by surprise is all. We both said we were going to wait to date other people and I just thought he would do that.

I'm trying to look at this positively- better I find out and use this to totally get over the whole thing than to never have found out and think we were going to stay BFF's and still have sex.
 
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TiffanyTJB

New Member
Dec 7, 2007
158
please listen to yourself


but then you go on to say


why? what happened in your past that's making you seek out people who aren't good for you?

HAHAHA you are totally right. Listen to me. Wow. I guess I have been hanging on to the idea of being close to him because I don't like the idea of being abandoned by the person who is closest to me. I need to put on my big girl pants and realize the relationship is over.
 

7960

Well-Known Member
Oct 17, 2004
60,034
New England
HAHAHA you are totally right. Listen to me. Wow. I guess I have been hanging on to the idea of being close to him because I don't like the idea of being abandoned by the person who is closest to me. I need to put on my big girl pants and realize the relationship is over.
need a rebound guy?

a/s/l :naughty:
 
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TiffanyTJB

New Member
Dec 7, 2007
158
huh?

you said he's having sex and hooking up....where did you say he's dating other people?

You're right, all I know of is one hookup. I don't know if there were more when we were together and I don't know if there will be more later on- but I'm sure there will be. I don't think I want to know if he is dating the hookups or just hooking up. I guess I need to find something else to think about.
 
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TiffanyTJB

New Member
Dec 7, 2007
158
need a rebound guy?

a/s/l :naughty:

I actually met someone a few days after the ex moved out but it started to freak me out because I totally don't want a rebound. I was hoping to stay single and get into my next relationship with a clean slate and no emotional baggage, which is why I was not planning to date for like six months.
I already told this new guy that I am not ready for a thing with him, but he seems pretty cool so I am going to take it a bit slow.

He is everything the ex is not- reads books, older, does triathalons. Three things that are totally opposite of ex. Just what I need for now.
 

IslanderOffRoad

Do you even lift kit?
Dec 23, 2003
82,164
Houston, Tx
People mourn in different ways. And yeah, there's a form of mourning after a breakup especially from a long/serious relationship.

Unfortunately you're not together anymore, and now he doesn't exactly owe you anything. Likewise, you don't owe him anything. Move on. Whoever told you about it, tell them you're not interested in hearing anything about him.
 

JohnQPoster

New Member
Nov 12, 2010
780
It has been my experience that when people break up it never turns out like Jerry and Elaine on Seinfeld.

One person wants to be friends because, secretly (or not) they want the relationship to continue, they do not want the other person to move on, they want the other person back.

The other person wants to be friends because, secretly (or not) they feel some amount of guilt about how they acted during the actual relationship or the breakup. They feel bad about something and want to see the other person so that they can minimize their bad feelings. Sorta like a criminal returning to the scene of the crime, they want to see just how bad it is over there. They are attempting to gauge the amount of damage that (they feel) they have caused.

None of this is healthy for the first person, it can be a state of constant rejection. It can feel like the breakup happening over and over again.

This is not a prime time television sitcom from the early - mid 90's, it is your life. Don't try to stay friends with an ex unless children are involved.
 

7960

Well-Known Member
Oct 17, 2004
60,034
New England
One person wants to be friends because, secretly (or not) they want the relationship to continue, they do not want the other person to move on, they want the other person back.

or because they want to keep tabs on the other person to make sure "he's not happier than me until i find someone else"
 

MattThom01

Active Member
Jan 2, 2006
8,507
I'm not surprised he is already dating/sleeping with other people. Most of the time, when someone initiates a breakup, they have been distancing themselves from the relationship for awhile already.

He most likely got over you while he was still with you.
 
My ex moved out last weekend. Yesterday I found out he is already sleeping with people. When I found out I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

Ok, I know we are broken up and he can do whatever he wants. But I just didn't think it would happen so fast. It kind of hurt my feelings and my head knows I have no right to feel this way, but I kind of do. This is my problem, not his.
I guess this is the best bad news I ever got. I had been thinking of having convenient sex with him but not after he's hooking up with people. No way.

I am over him but I am not over being broken up with and left. I have a lot of friends but I still feel by myself, like at night. I guess that will go away over time.

My ex and I have been to dinner a few times and IM during the day. We made an agreement to still be friends and I was all for it but now I think I just need some distance or something.

I don't know, it just really sucked when I found out that he had hooked up in a one night stand. And I wish he had just told me instead of me having to find out.

I don't want to be the one to kick you when you're already down, but if he's already hooking up with someone else, then he was already hooking up with them before the breakup and your split was inevitable.

Just write the guy off as not being worth your time and don't "doormat" yourself by allowing him "f-buddy" status or by jumping into the sack with the first guy that comes along just because you're use to having someone there.

Instead, take some time to collect and get right with yourself, everything else will fall into place naturally because, when you're back on your game, you'll project an aura that everyone will pick up on and will want to be within your proximity as a result.

Just remember to not sell yourself short because YOU are the prize, not him.
 

deusexaethera

OT Supporter
Jan 27, 2005
18,592
I was just planning to be friends with him and go to dinner, chat on IM during the day, maybe watch a movie occasionally, etc. The sex was really good and I figured we might as well do it since he was right upstairs and since we both had said we weren't going to be dating for a while. But I guess I see now that would have been a pretty bad idea and I'm really glad we didn't.
So basically you wanted to do all the stuff couples do (well...couples who don't want to have sex before marriage anyway), but without the commitment to have to be there for each other when it's not convenient. Can't say I'm surprised honestly; as a general rule women seem to have trouble with the concept that when a romantic relationship ends, it doesn't revert to a platonic relationship, it's completely destroyed and you have to start from scratch if you want to be friends afterwards.
 

deusexaethera

OT Supporter
Jan 27, 2005
18,592
My ex moved out last weekend. Yesterday I found out he is already sleeping with people. When I found out I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

Ok, I know we are broken up and he can do whatever he wants. But I just didn't think it would happen so fast. It kind of hurt my feelings and my head knows I have no right to feel this way, but I kind of do. This is my problem, not his.

I don't know, it just really sucked when I found out that he had hooked up in a one night stand. And I wish he had just told me instead of me having to find out.
You wanted some kind of affirmation that you'd be hard to replace. That's fair, I think everyone wants to know they're special and unique, but don't mistake him having sex with other people to mean he's found several people to replace you with. Guys don't need to trust their sexual partners as much as women do, as a general rule. It doesn't mean their relationship has any other positive attributes.

That being said...look, there's no nice way to say this: when you break up with someone, you're saying to them that their positive qualities aren't worth the trouble of putting up with their BS anymore, that having a relationship with them is a net loss for you. There is no way to sugarcoat that, and you have no business being upset if he's gone off to find someone who isn't sick of him yet.
 

deusexaethera

OT Supporter
Jan 27, 2005
18,592
I don't want to be the one to kick you when you're already down, but if he's already hooking up with someone else, then he was already hooking up with them before the breakup and your split was inevitable.
No. Maybe he was, but probably he wasn't. Even if he wanted to, a lot of women won't actually do anything with a guy who's still in a relationship even if they have fun teasing him endlessly.

Just remember to not sell yourself short because YOU are the prize, not him.
Please. Just because she's female doesn't mean she's the prize. There are plenty of women out there who are NOT prizes, and a lot of the ones who are would object to you referring to them like trophies that become the property of the "winner". On average, people are people, and in all likelihood she brought as many problems to the relationship as he did. It only takes one person to wreck a relationship, but most of the time the other person chips in too.
 
No. Maybe he was, but probably he wasn't. Even if he wanted to, a lot of women won't actually do anything with a guy who's still in a relationship even if they have fun teasing him endlessly.

You mean, if they knew he was even in a relationship to start with.

Please. Just because she's female doesn't mean she's the prize. There are plenty of women out there who are NOT prizes, and a lot of the ones who are would object to you referring to them like trophies that become the property of the "winner". On average, people are people, and in all likelihood she brought as many problems to the relationship as he did. It only takes one person to wreck a relationship, but most of the time the other person chips in too.

Whoa, pull back on those reigns of rampant feminism, it was not my intent to disparage anyone, let lone objectify a woman, only provide support and validation to her to help soothe her, no doubt, somewhat fractured ego.

I do that as I'm not the sort of person to belittle or demean someone and the whole 'you are the prize' bit is intended to instill the idea that he's the one missing out because, well, see comment directly above this one.

Seriously, if there is something I've said that you are not quite sure of my intent in making the statement, just ask me and I'll do my best to explain my position on the matter, clumsily though it may be.
 

deusexaethera

OT Supporter
Jan 27, 2005
18,592
"Rampant feminist" is a label most who know me would laugh at if they saw me wearing it. I'm just stating facts. She may well not be a prize. In fact, she might be a cold castrating bitch most of the time, but we'll never know that. All we know is she was never really content with him and he ultimately decided to leave; without any information about who did what wrong, it's only fair to not automatically assume he's a dirtbag and she's a saint. (to the extent that this is the stereotype, I suppose I am a bit feminist.) Hell, we don't even know for sure that he's fucking anyone else, and neither does she unless she watched it. That could be a lie he made up to make himself feel better, or a lie one of his friends made up to make her feel worse. In either case it would hardly be the first time in human history that someone lied about how much sex they were having.

Yes, her ego is fractured. I'm not disputing that. But I don't think platitudes are helpful if they can't be proven; reminding someone of an admirable quality they possess when they're feeling down is a great idea, but just telling them they're aweome for no good reason rings kinda hollow. Then again, lots of people don't think like I do, so... :dunno:.
 
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TiffanyTJB

New Member
Dec 7, 2007
158
I am not so bad to be around, but maybe not a prize to everyone. We just like different things and I guess after so many years of us not being connected, it was time for one of us to pull the plug.

I didn't mean for this to turn into a big thing. I was just saying it sucked for me when I found out. I know it's not my business and I have no reason to care, he can do what he wants. He keeps talking about other ppl he is getting ready to bang so every time I hear something it just hurts all over again. Not that I want to be in a relationship with him again, but I want someone to want to bang me and right now after being dumped, nobody does except my one friend who I have friend-zoned and would never date.

I had decided I was going to stay single for like six months to get over things but when I found that out about him I decided I wanted a rebound relationship. I know that is probably not good for me, I just hate wanting someone there when there is nobody.

I am just feeling pretty crappy about the whole thing and hate being by myself. I know I will get over the breakup in time but for right now it just sucks.
 
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TiffanyTJB

New Member
Dec 7, 2007
158
Amen I need to find other things to do.
I thought I had found someone else to take my mind off this and he was totally acting into me until I found out he was not single so I put a stop to that this morning.
 

7960

Well-Known Member
Oct 17, 2004
60,034
New England
Amen I need to find other things to do.
I thought I had found someone else to take my mind off this and he was totally acting into me until I found out he was not single so I put a stop to that this morning.

:ugh: he is very likely still single
 

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