LOVE My Girlfriend Isn't Into Domination, Advice?

JohnQPoster

New Member
Nov 12, 2010
780
We have been together 6 years and we have really good sex.

I had to try to get her into things slowly, all she let me do at first was tie her up. She freaked when I tried to tape x's on her nipples or write on her.

I scared her with the bondage porn, she really isn't into it or porno of any sort. She gets embarrassed in the sex shop.

I chilled out for a while. Stuck to tying her up now and again and I get bored having to unrestrained her to switch positions.

I bailed on the tying her up thing because it simply bored me, she asked about it and I told her I was bored with it. She let me get away spanking her, on her ass and tits with wooded cookware.

This was okay for a while, I had to step it up again because I got bored. I got a piece of 1/4" tubing, which was okay for a bit; I couldn't control where it went particularly for shots at her chest. I got another piece and stuck a wire through it and then I bought 2 rulers one three foot by one inch the other two foot by one and a half.

I tested and modified this equipment on my forearms. This was perfect, I had some variety; It was on. I left red marks on her body, which she said would bruise but they never did. She never had a mark of any kind on her the next day.

All was well until the time I tried to get her to crawl circles around the bed, while I smacked her on the ass. She protested saying she felt weird, then she was gonna do it. I told her not to bother, she said that I wanted her to; I told her I didn't, she said I did. I told her if she didn't feel comfortable I didn't want her to do it.

Then a couple days later or the next day, she got drunk and emotional. Which is a semi regular occurrence around our place and would not be a big deal. Except for the fact that as she is in this hormone / alcohol induced crying fit and I am trying to talk her through it; She takes a low blow at my bondage / domination fantasies and says that I 'only want to smack her with shit.' In one move sending me back just about to square one. :wtc:

Side Note: While she was letting me get away with the bulk of this, I commended her once for being such a good sport. That is not the way I put it, but is what I meant. I had asked her what she wanted me to do, she said nothing and tried to say she just liked sex. I had to beat out of her (figuratively) that she likes anal and would like to try that more, again. Whenever I tell her we should try she gets scared saying that it will hurt and she doesn't want to try.

Not much I can do, is there?

Is there something I missed?
 

Phantom Empress

mmmmmm tasty!!!
Dec 10, 2001
52,362
Miramar, FL
Find someone that shares your desires. it seems like you want her to like this when clearly she doesn't. She's a good sport for trying it and putting up with it, but how did you reward her? Did the night end in her being pleased as well or just stopped the activity and left her hurt, unfullfilled and used? Have you communicated about your desires OUTSIDE the "i'm horny and bored right now" moment?
 

Phantom Empress

mmmmmm tasty!!!
Dec 10, 2001
52,362
Miramar, FL
Further, whatyou are describing isn't so much Domination as Sadism. She MAY be into you taking control of the situation but not into the pain and humiliation part. There are differences. I say talk it out, figure out what you like, what she likes and then try some different tactics/activities.
 

Hellequin

New Member
Oct 3, 2011
2,188
yep sounds like you need to check out alt.com. I haven't met many women that like to go beyond being tied up and a light spanking
 
TS
TS

JohnQPoster

New Member
Nov 12, 2010
780
I finished her off, I am not an ogre.

Further, whatyou are describing isn't so much Domination as Sadism. She MAY be into you taking control of the situation but not into the pain and humiliation part. There are differences. I say talk it out, figure out what you like, what she likes and then try some different tactics/activities.

You are right about that, she doesn't mind when 'I take control,' once I do however, I get limited into where I can take it; It is like she doesn't mind, but she doesn't particularly enjoy anything outside oral, sex and mutual masturbation. I could do what I wanted and she wouldn't mind, where I enjoy it and she puts up with it; I want to do more of this and take it up a notch, she just wants to get laid; The consistency begins to annoy her, and it becomes obvious that we not seeing eye to eye with this at all.

We do need to have a discussion, but no amount of talking is going to change the fact that what is sexually appealing to me is annoying to her.
I try to talk to her;

my
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will
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later.
 

Toxica

Active Member
Mar 10, 2008
1,993
IN
Trying to get her to like freaky sex to please you would be like trying to make you like vanilla sex to please her. It's just not going to happen.
 
TS
TS

JohnQPoster

New Member
Nov 12, 2010
780
It is not that we're majorly incompatible; I like 'vanilla' if that is what we do, I wouldn't say that something is missing but that it would be nice to have this extra. Other aspects of the relationship are good, this is no deal breaker.

It is just that I saw a thread out there where the dude found out that his girlfriend is into domination and he wanted advise about what to do to her; I was going to reply constructively to said thread, but in the OP stated that he was aware of bondage porno and another poster told him to watch that for ideas. Then I realized it was a subtle, MY GIRLFRIEND IS INTO BDSM HAHAHAHAHAHA NANANANA!!! Thread. Then I was going to post the OP of this thread there and figured rather than try to jack his thread, I could create this one.

Anyways, I try to talk to her, any more talking would be badgering. It is clear what she likes and it is clearer still what I would like and it is clear that I could get her to do it but not as often as I would like. Also, that she would be merely putting up with it because she doesn't want me to seek it elsewhere not because she wants to be an active participant. She wants to please me, so much so that she had to be drunk to air her objections.

She has asked me why I like that sort of stuff, you know you cannot explain it. I told her that if there were a switch in my brain and I could turn it off that I would.

The first time I tried to bring something up, after she saw my porn stash; I think I had told her that we should get her a toy, (also something that she shows no interest in perusing what-so-ever) because I wanted to escalate things slowly. She says 'I don't know, what do you like.' I knida mumbled or said something and she remembered the porn and says ' I know what you like, we should buy a whip.'

My breath must have caught in my throat, too good to be true is what it was. 'What if it leaves marks?' is my reply because I had already thought this through. She had stood when she said the part about the whip and as she exited the room she said; 'You can leave marks all over me.'

This was on a Tuesday, I think it is on, really, from the word go. I say dildo she says whip and were off the the fucking races. I waited for this to happen because we are not rich, we only have one car; I am waiting over the weekend for her to suggest a trip to the store or for the money budget to include mystery items.

Didn't happen that weekend, but that didn't phase me or curb my overwhelming excitement, because she said we could, she said we should, we would.

It had to be Wednesday the following week, I was at work and the budget for the NEXT week was being figured out and did not account for any trip to the sex shop. 'You know', I thought; 'Odd, she hasn't even mentioned anything about that.' Like a ton of bricks, this hits me; Not only was this not going to happen, not only had she completely forgotten about the conversation, she had been joking with me and it took me a week and a day to figure this out.

I'm just blue because there is nothing I can do, I'm gonna have to talk to her though because she is content with heavy petting, then she wants to roll over so we can do it laying down. We usually switch to doggy or me on top at some point, but unless I ask for a blow job there isn't much forplay then we have exceptional sex (I cum and so does she 85% of the time) and then we jerk off and she plays with my balls.

I want something more, but what is going to happen is when I try to talk to her again, she is going to get defensive and ask again what it is that I want, because she is satisfied. Whatever I want to do will make her feel uncomfortable and she won't say anything until she gets drunk and blows up on me. She has only tied me up once or twice and she would not hit me with anything, even when invited to.

Last night she wanted the night off, it was cold in our bedroom and she ended up topless while changing into nightclothes. She had goosebumps on her chest and it had contracted her skin, this held her tits up like a bra, nipples full salute. I wanted to smack those titties around, I would tie them up until they turned blue. I can't blame her for not enjoying getting the shit smacked out of her body, thighs, ass, and vagina. Now I am sorta scared to say anything because she made me feel like a fucking dick.

I suppose I had better ask first, before she asks me what I want; I should ask what can I do that would not make her weirded out, maybe she could write me up a list or something.

There is a bigger issue than the thread title implies. That being, when she was letting me try this stuff; I can understand 'try it, you may like it,' maybe she thought I could 'get it out of my system' but, when that didn't happen and when I was escalating things; She never once spoke out against it, I don't remember her ever saying 'not tonight' or 'no' or 'stop'. She did ask me if I wanted to smack her around, but that could have been a sort of 'You don't want to do that tonight do you? Oh, you do? Okay.' kind of thing.

If she didn't like it, why didn't she tell me? Why did she let me think all was well until she gets drunk and then throw the thing in my face like that. I've known her for awhile and I know that she can be mean sometimes, I should try to talk to her again just for this. I shouldn't let her get away with it, that isn't how your supposed to communicate in a relationship.

I didn't deserve that did I?
 

Phantom Empress

mmmmmm tasty!!!
Dec 10, 2001
52,362
Miramar, FL
your main issue is communication. You two need to open up about the nature of your desires. if she had to get DRUNK to be honest with you then your problems are deeper than just the sex.
 

NCS

Active Member
Apr 2, 2002
5,674
she is just not into it. in my opinion people who aren't into it or against anything that is just good clean fun (no pain, no humiliation, no public xyz), are repressed.

but anyway, i dont think theres much you could do but you should try to communicate.

for everyone else reading this post, it is also my opinion that you have about 1 month in a new relationship to set the tone and momentum of the sexuality (im speaking to the men, primarily).
 

infinite.purple

Active Member
Oct 26, 2007
14,892
Bothell, WA
for everyone else reading this post, it is also my opinion that you have about 1 month in a new relationship to set the tone and momentum of the sexuality (im speaking to the men, primarily).
this is really interesting to me. after thinking about it, i think it might be even shorter... like the first few times you are sexual with someone set the tone for everything to come.
 

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