SRS My long relationship dillemma

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by john80, Nov 8, 2006.

  1. john80

    john80 The only constant is change

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    This may take a while...but I'm putting the time in to write it all out, in respect of the insight I've read in this forum in the past. :bowdown:

    I'm nearly 25 (going on 30). I'm well beyond mature for my age, have a career engineering job I started young, work with people nearly twice my age most of the time and just passed my quarter-life crisis. What I mean by that is I realized I'm only 25, but one or two more "serious" relationships that may last 1-2 years each, and one or two more "breaks" between relationships that may last 6-12 months, and next thing I know I'm over 30 looking for love online at eharmony. I don't want that, and I have a great deal of older friends, a lot of whom are in that position...just hitting 28, 29, 30, etc. and realizing that life is running out in some senses.

    Anyways, that's my cliff notes, oh yeah, I also just got out of a serious relationship last June. I'm over the relationship, not hurting, longing, missing her etc. Separate story but just trust that note.

    As for the current girl, she's nearly 28, good job, graduated college, very level headed and mature. We have a great deal in common, similar ideals, goals, etc. She just got out of a serious relationship (a day after I did actually). However, she was on and off with that ex bf until the end of September because they still lived together until he moved away to another city. He was 26, a server with no ambitions, no future goals, etc. She's working corporate and realized that hey this is getting nowhere, but she still isn't over him...hence why they stayed together 3 months after the relationship. She almost always has had a boyfriend over the course of the last 3-4 years or so. One finishes, she has another one.

    I met her almost two years ago and we began dating, I broke it off in stupid ways after a few months in order to get with my recent ex-gf. She instantly got with her recent ex-bf and now we both broke up with them. We began being friends again shortly after we were both single, we hung out as friends several times, and with mutual friends as well, and things began. We ended up kissing on one occasion in mid-September and alot of feelings came back. I was instantly head over heels for this girl, and I was instantly on her mind constantly as well. Once October began, her ex-bf moved away, and things started with us. Over the course of October I've seen her every weekend and we've talked nearly every day. We've gotten closer, we've gotten physical, emotionally close, nearly bf/gf in some senses.

    However, she's made it clear that she's not over her ex completely, and doesn't want me to be a rebound. She's been open and honest about it, and she's admitted when she has been tempted to take things further with us and has held back. We've done more and more over the course of the last month, but everytime we're together, I tend to keep getting "checked" when flirting or making any moves phsyically or emotionally speaking. She'll long for affection, and when I give it there will be a point where she will push me away saying I should be good, or I'm too tempting, etc. And we're not talking just about phsyically tempting...but just being close emotionally.

    So this girl and I have talked and come to an understanding that she's not ready for a relationship, and I've told her that I'm not looking for one, but I'm not against it and I could see us getting into one. I've told her how I felt about her somewhat, but not completely. And in reality I can see this being a very serious very good relationship. One that I would want to work out for the long term. We have something special, and we both know it, she just doesn't trust her feelings for me right now because she's not sure if she's completely over her ex, and she doesn't want to fall back in her pattern of going bf to bf.

    I broke it off with her this past Sunday, telling her I can't keep doing this if we keep getting close as if we're a couple, but then I keep getting pushed away. I told her if she's not ready, then we should just be friends, and she said "fair enough". This was all a healthy conversation with no animosity mind you.

    Since then, I haven't talked to her. What I know from our mutual close friends is that she's very confused...not sure what to do about the situation, and she's even asking her friends to tell her what they think she should do. So I know she cares about me, I know she sees something special there, just by the way we are around eachother and the way we kiss and feel. She's very careful around me, and hesitant because she's so fresh out of this serious relationship she was just in, which she's not yet completely over.

    I'm about to send her a letter telling her why I'm taking a few days off from her, and telling her exactly how I feel about her, exactly what I didn't like about this past month (in terms of being emotionally blocked out somewhat) and exactly what I love about her.

    In all honesty, this is something a lot like love, I'm just hesitant to use the word right away. I would love to be with this girl, and when we're together (since we have history) all the initial ice phase is gone. We're basically together like a couple would be, and I think that scares her since the timing is such a bad thing right now.

    I know the real answer is "hey she's not ready for another relationship, just be friends until she is, and move on if you find someone new". I don't like that answer, but that is partly why I broke it off on Sunday. The catch 22 is that she's going to visit her family in a few weeks for Thanksgiving, and guess where her ex-bf lives? Same city...he can't wait to see her, etc. I know she's apprehensive about what it will be like to see him again, and I don't know what might happen with them when she sees him, but it's all up in the air. She does not sleep around, she's very loyal and a very good person. She's a real catch, hence the reason I'm putting up with all this. Normally I have enough confidence to get a girl if I need/want one, but I'm fighting for this one because of my little quarter-life crisis incident. I want to work on a relationship now, so in 4 years from now I can be sure of what I have, and be well on my way to starting a life, family, marriage,etc.

    But anyways, if I just give up now and not talk to her for a few days/weeks, it might have an affect on her. She might realize what was in the palm of her hand, what she had, etc. But then she also might go see her family and ex-bf and all her "unsure if I'm over my ex-bf" feelings might just be reassured, especially if she thinks I'm over her and I've ignored her for a few weeks. So I could be burning a big bridge by cutting it off on Sunday.

    I've also written her a long letter telling her how I feel, how much I care about her, where I stand, and that I'm ready to be with her, I want to be with her, no ifs/ands/buts about it. I have yet to give this to her.

    Thoughts?

    If you have questions for more specifics just ask. And thanks for reading all of this. :)
     
  2. Welsh0913

    Welsh0913 OT Supporter

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    Trust your gut reaction. It seems like you know her pretty well, and if this is what you believe is true, it probably is. Theres no reason to cause yourself pain by pushing the subject.

    Like Viper said, the ball is in her court. She needs to deal with her issues and figure things out on her own.... I don't really think a letter is necessary because she pretty much already knows how you feel about her. You can't force her with pressure to get over her ex... its just something that gradually happens. You've handled the situation to the best of your ability and have done everything you can. She needs to makes a decision and it appears that she realizes it.

    Good luck.
     
  3. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    I think you're pretty much on the right path. What the other guys are saying is true - most of the work needs to be done by her right now, and she's the only one with any control over when her feelings about everything will be sorted out. You can't force her to get over her ex, and it's simply unfair to expect you to wait around while she gets her shit in gear. Do what you think is necessary, so long as it doesn't cause her undue pain.
     
  4. john80

    john80 The only constant is change

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    Very interesting to see the response be not to send the letter. My concern (or fear that is) seems to be that she'll reignite things with her ex because of the mindset that I've let go, ignored her, etc.

    I'll hold on to the letter...on hold on to a few more days of no contact, see how my feelings settle and how things pan out. I just hope I'm not burning any bridges by breaking trust and cutting contact.
     

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