FRK My short story re-visited...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by T0mmy, Jan 25, 2006.

  1. T0mmy

    T0mmy Guest

    Main OT = ADD

    I think I polished the intro....


    The pull of a trigger always gives me a form of redemption given it sexually, financially, or vengefully (all of the above as you will soon realize). It and always will give me a reason to exist in this shell that I have self-imposed. My haunt is a reminder named Kira.

    You either hate it or love the power of a kill. I for one have grown to enjoy the ability of turning one’s life out with a call and a resultant financial reward. What did life give me back anyway? The answer was a broken heart twice over with nothing to show but a framed picture of what was and what can never be again. How the fuck am I supposed to feel? Please tell me.

    I’ve been betrayed by two Devils in particular. To think I regarded them as human organisms. I’m never going back to such a feeling of abandonment of such creatures that I’ve bared upon. The righteous life is not for me.

    Kira let me know so.


    Once I realized I could never give back to society in a productive way I pondered other options. As a broken-hearten youth in pain of being dropped by Jodie. In my mere youth I realized that as much I give I will always get very much little in return. She made me believe. The reason is there is always a better option at the moment. Do you know how to be stepped on? Do you?
  2. T0mmy

    T0mmy Guest

    here's the raw stuff I have to work on if anyone cares:

    Ever since Karl spit some venom to me over the mobile I knew I could not let this one go. I was merely just calling to tell him his wife was a quality ‘fuck-fest’ and he was going to die. I do that with my marks. I fuck their wives or significant others. If they have any sisters, they may experience the same destiny too. One ‘sister’ that I did away with left me with a scar right above my left temple. It was a closed casket funeral for her. I attended.

    Karl wasn’t really that bad of a father. So he slapped his woman around from time to time. Who am I to judge? But little Kira got to me. Maybe 6 years old. I wonder if she’s coming back to kill me in my waning years. If so, let it be so. Obviously, I let her live. My story will enlighten.

    Two grand, can you turn that down? I doubt. Especially that most of my marks are not well-behaved. I do have an advantage over the likes of Rader and Nshyo. I will and have killed children and women. Why? This makes me more ‘marketable’ for my clientele. Whatever, I’ve chosen this path and I accept my actions. Maybe not so after this story but we’ll get there.

    Karl needed a spanking. Gambling is as bad as a bottle of Vodka. Some never come back to reality. He gave it all away and couldn’t front the money. Same day and diff day (where have I heard that before). It’s funny because all my supposed ‘bosses’ think they can really control my trigger-finger. This is not good. For them.

    Let’s take Egghead… for example (I only call him that and only in my head). He’s ready to keel over anytime anyway but I must do the ‘respect’ thing until then. I have big ideas.

    Egg thinks I should join Mac. Fuck no. Mac will get me killed. He’s pushing and I keep blowing him off. The question to you as you read this is what are you good at? I kill. And I’m good at getting away with it.

    If Kira doesn’t get to me.

    Did I mention I am driving a Porsche-something down I-666? Something about a nine-something. Phx, AZ? Life is good. For now.

    2. Kate

    Top down and in the Arizona heat. It’s a rental so she doesn’t care about the warning light blaring as she reads and registers the instrument panel. She’s getting away from the abusive husband and finally enjoying being free. Yes the rock in the windshield will cost her since she didn’t opt for the extra insurance but the lack of a black eye could make the strongest of men fall to their knees. She’s due.

    Starting over has quite a ring to it. Double-edged sword.

    She dropped out of high school for Ken. What a fool. Well at least she left while she was still alive. The three month-old in the stomach reminds her that she will never be ridded of his fucked-up legacy.

    Something has caught her attention. It’s a stalled vehicle and someone waving for help.

    3. The Beginning

    The foot presses the middle peddle. The look of this man goes unnoticed.

    “Are you in trouble?” Kate asked with the passenger window still rolling down.

    “No. I just need a ride.”

    “To where?”

    “Anywhere from here.” He looks away. He knows what he’s doing.

    “Indian Reservations spooking you?”

    “No. Nothing spooks me”

    “Get in”

    At that he gets in. the taillights glow only for a second as complete darkness resumes.

    Thinking that she is going to be killed on the side of a road soon she thinks of an ice-breaker.
    “Are you going to kill me?” She asked jokingly.
    “No. Why would I? You were kind enough to give me a ride. Now why would I?”

    “I’m just asking. I watched the slasher films.”

    “Is this something you want?”

    “Subject change. Why are you out here in the middle of nowhere at this time of night?” He asked.

    “I’m starting over”

    “Always the same. What’s his name?”

    “What? You don’t know my situation.”

    “What’s his name?”


    “Abuse?” He smirked.

    “I’m not speaking about it anymore.” She exhumed turning the wheel.

    “Would you like me to kill him?” I asked coyingly. She smiled at the thought but then resumed to the road.

    4. Spooks

    The cell-phone rang. It was T. He had a job. I didn’t even know where I was. By the smell I was in a hotel/motel. something. Where was the girl? I wasn’t even listening to the boss. No matter. I knew what needed to be done. He has someone lined up in Phoenix who needs to die. With no car I may need to bring her into this.

    I better test her.

    Diner food.

    Depending on how hungry you are it can be Heaven or Hell. Anyway, I’m going to get into this girl’s head. See if she can handle a nice murder. I need the car.

    “Ever feel like just killing that husband of yours?” I ask as I scoop up some more eggs with the toast.

    “Yes. All the time”. She stuttered.

    “What f I said I can make that dream come through?”

    Kate sat and as she ate what portions were in her mouth stared off into space.

    “You couldn’t”

    “Couldn’t what?

    As I ended that note he opened my jacket to show a Colt 45. I stared into her eyes. Put the jacket back over the piece and continued to eat.

    The thought of Kate ridding of Ken was too much. A smile gave way. I caught it. We continued to eat.

    The slamming on the door disturbed me. I suddenly realized that Kate was sleeping next to me. Now I remember. The knock keeps getting louder. I gather the courage to get up and open the door. I’m ready to kill whoever is banging on this cheap Motel door.

    What I saw was not from the human world. It was dark with very dim lights in the parking area. It was just a shadow and eyes. The eyes were of no color. It was very deformed and stank of moist mold. Like I give a fuck. Get me fucker! Take my life now. You are welcome to it.

    I said that in my head but I didn’t believe. I’d rather not die for anyone.

    I wanted to say something but I could not pull anything out of my surprised mouth. The stare got deeper. My hand on my 45 collapsed. It was no longer even available. I felt death.

    He turned to my Kate and then turned it’s grotesque head back to me. It grinned as if telling me she was in danger. I fell clutching my throat. I couldn’t breathe.

    It’s making me pay. I don’t understand. I was doing the Devil’s work. I was one of his minions. I choke…

    5. Monster
    Kate awoke to see a bright light of sunshine. It was an open door to the hell that awaited them. On the floor was Trent.

    With the washcloth wiping away fears and pain. She saw how vulnerable he was at that point in time. This is her chance to go away. She is starting to see how he may not be the good human being. She stays.

    My head tells fucker:

    My first kill was a woman. Angry husband. She wanted to leave the bastard and I was hired. I was young. I did it.

    $200K. Tell me I did wrong!

    Why did I become this monster? I cannot tell you. It just happened. It doesn’t come without it’s haunts. You don’t think my murders haunt me?
    They come back. A hit man is not infallible. We pay. I’m paying now.

    Kate, needs to be protected. The mad fucker that came to me the other night told me so.

    Then the phone rang….

    Same song another day. I have to kill another family. Boss wants a statement made. This will be hard. I need Kate.

    6. Bobby

    Quietly Kristen sat in the basement of the house that she no longer wanted to be a part of. She lost Bobby on her way down. She can hear him. Scared she pulls her knees up to her face as Tommy pulls the trigger on the 4 year old.

    “The nightmares will stop because I own this world!” – I spew.

    “Mom and Dad are gone. I own this world. But I need to bring Kate into my mad world “ My mind is wandering. “

    Bobby peeked out of his bedroom. He saw what his mother was doing to Mr. Smith. Kneeling on her knees and moaning.

    Mr. Smith was bad. He can always hide in Kristen’s arms. Always.

    She saw the blood-splatter. State of shock as I put Simi’s head down and pointed the gun to her head. 3 year old gone.

    She didn’t exactly run away. Didn’t say anything either.

    7. Paycheck

    So, she still lays next to me. This must mean something.

    Who is Simi?

    Too many deaths.

    Too many names.

    I’m falling for a human being. A pretty one at that.

    Back down to reality. I must receive a compensation.

    Eddie is a tough one. I don’t trust him. The weight factor is a clue that he is not someone you would like to deal with.
    I was going to kill him anyway. This makes it easier.

    What does she like and why should I care?

    “Denver Omelette. Coffee . black.

    Sliding into the booth next to me the poor thing doesn’t know she’s eating with her killer.
    At least she gets a meal….

    Gasps which I was just waited for exhumed. She is going to ask a question. She may walk out alive depending on said question.

    The calm. The warm water. Kira rubs herself thinking of this stranger that awakened her. Hatred forces itself into her thoughts.

    Father gone. Pay. Stance has been taken. Why? Every girl needs a daddy. She was denied of the simple resource.

    8. WTF
  3. T0mmy

    T0mmy Guest

    BTW... Trenty-Pooh loves joo all!
  4. T0mmy

    T0mmy Guest

    I actually feel safe here after the ADD 'OT Main' kids ranked on my only story.

    I feel you all will appreciate...
  5. Ryuhei

    Ryuhei Oh gawd

    Jun 21, 2001
    Likes Received:
    Looks like lots of thought went in to that. Good job. Is there a place to enter those kinds of stories in to contests or even get paid to write them? It'd be fun to write scenes and then see them in a movie!
  6. naughtie

    naughtie New Member

    Jan 21, 2005
    Likes Received:
    This story has a lot of potential. It really caught my attention. And then it started confusing me a little because it jumps around so much. Not trying to be mean, just helpful. :love:

    As to whether this story is freaky or not... well there is no question that it's freaky. Not necessarily the kind we are used to in here, but I definately felt I was kind of spying on the mind of a genuine freak.

    Maybe if you add a little bondage and crying? :x:
  7. T0mmy

    T0mmy Guest

    It's not the complete story and as to jumping around. That's why I warned the latter was raw. It needs major work but trust me... It will be freaky.
  8. T0mmy

    T0mmy Guest

    I got an e-buddy from Italy that is a writer and there is a new-start website looking for writers that are against the grain.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2006
  9. T0mmy

    T0mmy Guest

    Remember that latter post was notes being jotted down. far from done. I'm questioning how to approach Trent's (NINlove) or Tommy's (me) psyche. See I don't even have a name pinned down yet.

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