Around March of 2002, I was pretty tired of being destroyed. I had just spent the last month in a psych ward after 2 serious suicide attempts, I had dropped out of school 2 credits short of graduating, and I hadn't had a day in a long time where I went to bed wanting to live more than when I had woken up. To off quote office space 'each day is my new worst day.' And, it truly was. My parents, still standing by me for some reason, decided that an inpatient rehab was probably the best course of action. So they called every one of the best places in the U.S., and they all turned me down. One, because while in the psych ward, I was diagnosed with 'true homicidal intentions.' It turns out that FairfaxCountyVA has one of the best rehabs in the country, and it’s run by the local government. My first day of rehab was utterly shitty. It was the first day in over 2 years I was completely sober, as I was snorting Ambien, Advan, and a couple other things in the psych ward. I hated it, I hated my parents more than ever, and I hated life more than ever. There was something interesting though. The AA sponsor I had the first time around, worked closely with the rehab. I had never stopped talking with him, as he never turned his back on me. He said his job is to carry the message, and not the mess. If I was there to talk and ask for help, he was there to offer his experience. At first, I did only one thing in rehab. What I did do was I didn't kill myself or anyone else. It took me about 3 months of sitting in rehab cussing at people, and making everyone else’s life miserable before something changed. I woke up one morning, and for some reason I still can't explain, I felt a little bit alive in side for the first time since I was 5. .01% of me felt like life was living. I didn't really know what to do with that feeling, so I did nothing. Within a few days, the want to live grew immensely. I was at a crossroads in my life. Part of me truly wanted to live, and part of me truly wanted to use. For me, these paths don’t stay together. I know for me, I'll be dead in 6 months if I go back out. I asked what to do, and people said to hold on to the part of me that wanted to live, that they loved me, and that it would take work. So, I started to work. The first thing I tackled was forgiving my parents. Now, they hadn't sexually abused me, but I always blamed them for it. One day I just decided to get all of that hurt, misery, anger, fear, and hatred out of me. It was a really rough day, but I made it through with help. After sitting doing bullshit for 3 months, doing little for a month, and working my ass off for 2 months, I had no time left in rehab. I was released back into the wild. I ran into people getting high, I ran into people drinking, and I went to meetings. It's been 19 months and 10 days since I stepped into Sunrise House. I can't convey in words how different my life is. I haven't felt like I wanted to die while going to bed at night in probably 16 months. I haven't found it necessary to drink. I helped a friend deal with his father's suicide. I have had friends go out. I helped people get sober. I have not worked a 4th step. In all honesty, I don’t think I will work one till around 2 years sober. What I do, on a semi-consistent basis, is carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous with me in daily life. If I talk to you more than a couple times, I'm going to tell you at least that I'm recovering, if not my story. I feel like if my experience in life can help one person besides myself, then I've done something truly amazing. I can't say that life has been perfect. I've been kicked out of my house, I've totaled a car, I've been convicted of a misdemeanor, I've had 2 friends kill themselves. I can honestly say I made it through everything with some grace and peace inside, because I know I do not take this path alone. Thanks for lettin me share.