Discussion in 'Entertainment' started by TaVeRaVe, Jul 27, 2008.
Some 19-year-old guy came over to my house a few times. He lived across the street, though I can't remember what his (alleged) intentions were in coming over. I couldn't tell what kind of race he was - part-mexican, part-black, some kind of brown - but I remember him being fairly tall with one of those shitty half-assed moustaches those types of guys grow. You know, the kind where it's somewhere between ratty stray hairs and a full, well-groomed mass of hair.
Anyways, the only real memory I have of this guy was my grandpa walking in on him in my room with his jeans down to his ankles and the back of my head blocking the view of his genitals. All I heard was my grandpa's authoritative yet perplexed voice say, "What's going on in here?" The guy was stunned into silence, and I, for whatever reason, cheerily explained to my grandpa that he was teaching me how to zip up my jeans. And somehow he bought it.
That's where I received and gave my first blowjob. I didn't see the guy at my house anymore after that. I saw him on the street a short while later, and I waved and said hello, but he didn't respond. After that, I didn't see him ever again. I found out later that he was a registered child molester. I was four.
Cut to my next memory. I'm in preschool. It's recess, and I go play with a girl I'd befriended. What did we play? Why, house, of course. What girl doesn't want to play house? I could've played with the other kids, but I had other plans.
We sat down in the little play house, and she's blathering on about some pretend nonsense. I mention something about peepees. I ask her if she has one. She says no. I ask her if she's seen one. She says no. I ask her if she wants to. She's interested. I pull down the front of my pants and expose my PENIS. She giggles, saying something like, "that's weird."
"What are you doing?" Some kid must've heard the conversation and now he's interested. I yell at him to go away, that this is private, and he's not allowed in. He gets butthurt and runs off. I think I'm in the clear.
"Can I see yours?" I ask the girl. She responds, "But I don't have one!" She pulls down the front of her pants to show me. Just as that happens, I hear, "What's going on in here?!" Oh shit, it's the fucking teacher. Just my luck, too, that she's a woman. She goes on a tirade and I can't quite slip my way out of this one.
I get kicked out of preschool. My mom denies the whole thing, deeming the incident ridiculous. The girl got to stay in. I saw her a year or two later outside the preschool. We waved. I never saw her again after that. I was five.
Moving forward to kindergarten. I was increasingly having trouble containing my sexual urges. I began popping boners left and right, yet I didn't understand the mechanics of "getting off" at that point, so there was nothing I could do about them, other than reach down my pants and "adjust." That got me a lot of dirty looks. However, I soon found a way around this.
Second grade. The teacher is giving this long, boring lecture, and I doze off, daydreaming about things that got me hard. Sure enough, I got hard. This time, however, I decided to do something about it. I began rubbing my dick against my inner thigh from the outside of my pants, and it felt amazing. I was detached from the world in an overwhelming feeling of ecstasy. The feeling built and built and built until I ejaculated, though nothing came out.
To my surprise, I realized I had been staring at a girl with a fat face the whole time, and she had been looking at me the whole time. She must've wondered why I was staring at her, trying to figure out what I was doing, but she couldn't see under the desk...that is, until she leaned over and saw where my hands were. She made a disgusted face, and I then realized how ugly she was. I don't blame her for that, though; I can only imagine the faces I was making.
This was when I figured out how to cum; I'm sure many of you have funny stories about this momentous event as well. Though it was quite a great feeling, looking at pigface didn't give me much satisfaction. And since I didn't get too far with girls, I decided to go into familiar territory: boys.
Thus, my best friend became "more than friends." We would often slip away to the bathroom together and take turns performing fellatio on each other. One time some kid came in and we pretended like we were peeing, then went right back to it afterwards. That made it more fun and exciting. No one suspected a thing.
I'm actually quite regretful of this, in retrospect. Chances are that this kid is pretty fucked up and is struggling with his sexuality. That's a heavy weight on your shoulders as a kid. I'd like to reach out and apologize to the guy, but I doubt I ever will for fear of what he may do or say to me. It's like, how would you approach the guy whose life you alone fucked up? What would you say to him? And it's not like there could be justice in punishment or something; I didn't know what I was doing to the fullest extent, so there's this sort-of existential paradox of no one place to put the blame and anger and regret. But I guess that's happened to a lot of people under similar circumstances, so there's this feeling of sympathy and coming together that makes it better to deal with somehow. That or tortured solitude on the internet. But I digress.
Those events happened on-and-off from kindergarten to second grade, until I moved. I began to slowly realize the evils that I had done, so I did what any normal American would do: I ate. I ate so much that my doctor would later make a joke about me breaking into the local Krispy Kreme shop and eating all their doughnuts - right to my face. And it wasn't even funny. That made me eat more. So much for reverse psychology. Prick.
I should probably mention that it was at this time that I was introduced to pornography for the first time. I was ten. And it was awesome.
Anyways, now that I was Tubby McChubbems, I had a hard time finding friends; that is, until some neighbors forced their kids to play with me. Thus, I stumbled upon my next victims. Nothing really fancy happened, as I had tried to curb my sexual appetite ever since realizing my evil ways. I eventually gave in and played grab-cock with three various boys, but that's as far as it went. I moved again, and went through the whole process again of re-questioning my values and so forth. I finally came to the conclusion that I wouldn't initiate the acts anymore. But this time, a strange thing happened; instead of me instigating the sexual encounters, they were instigated upon me by two other boys at two different times.
Guess which scene it was? Yup, the mirror-above-the-bed scene. It was just as good as porn to a twelve-year-old. The scene starts and I plead with him to go back to computer porn, and his response was, "Only if I can see if you have a boner by tapping your dick with the remote." "Dude, I already have a boner." I told him, and he said "I just want to make sure." So I said fine. And he did. He gently tapped it at first, and then he slapped it pretty hard with the remote and let out a laugh comparable to that of Scut Farkus' cackle from A Christmas Story (remember the kid with yellow eyes?). With that, we went back to the computer.
That was the end of that. WHAT NO REAL SEX? No, but still, wouldn't you say that's weird? I never even thought about anyone's junk at all unless I was going to do something with it, you know? He was pretty fucking ugly anyways. I looked him up on myspace and he looks like a gas station attendant. His quote was something like, "finally done with high school. thank fucking christ," which I can totally relate to, but coming from him it's like the mantra of basement-dwellers everywhere.
The second guy, on the other hand, had more in store for me.
We were at my house this time, and this guy, out of nowhere, gets a boner and pulls his dick out. It was kind of funny the way he went about it now that I look back on it; all the subtle hints - closing my door with some excuse about parents listening to teenage conversations, laying on my bed trying to look all cool while watching tv, so nonchalantly taking his dick out and looking at me with a raised eyebrow - meticulously planned, I'm sure of it.
Not being the type to disappoint, I took out my dick as well. He wasn't so interested in the idea of giving as he was in taking, which was fine by me since I was trained to be a giver by my original molester. After some warming of the hands, I began rubbing his cock, and he really hammed up his display of appreciation. My grandparents were in the house, so it was quite risqué to be doing any of this. I offered to suck his dick, but he was opposed to the idea - just experimenting, I guess. I decided it was probably better if we didn't do anything further anyways.
Other than him sporadically jumping on my back when I laid down on the floor and trying to somehow fuck me through my pants (which failed), that was all that happened. That was the first time I saw a curved dick. Little did I know that later mine would curve as well...but in a different direction. Sidecock, anyone? Ah, the glory days of being twelve; when your balls were smooth and your dick didn't curve. You gave your cock cool names like Steve or Jimmy, whereas now... now I call him One-Eyed Pete, mainly because if I put a little captain's hat on him, he'd look like a depressed pirate. "YARRrrr," in the saddest of ways.
That was about the gist of my sexual encounters. Rather than stopping here, I'd like to consider the aftermath of these events. Join me, won't you?
I'm almost old enough to legally drink, yet I'm still technically a virgin. I've never kissed a girl, or a guy for that matter, nor have I penetrated any orifice other than the mouth. I don't consider myself bi nor gay, not only because the balls never touched, but because I really want to fuck some pussy. Women turn me on, and sex with a man seems absolutely revolting, but it does seem somewhat difficult to discount all of those homoerotic experiences I've had. Returning to my original statement at the beginning of the thread, would things be different if I had gotten a bit further with that girl in the playhouse? Perhaps. Would none of this have happened were I not molested? Perhaps. But speculation is a meaningless task. No one knows.
As for the sexual repercussions: conventional porn turns me off. Nothing gets me flaccid like watching some hollowed-out whore writhe around on some guy's semi-chubby. Even the amateur stuff is becoming a bore. Thus, I've turned to alternative pornography. Somewhere along the lines I became slightly interested in, yet at the same time disgusted with bestiality. Every now and then I need to see a dog convulse on some woman for twelve seconds to get one off. And then afterwards I say to myself, "Jesus fucking christ. What the fuck is wrong with me. This is beyond fucked up." I've lost you, haven't I? Let me bring you back, then.
Hentai used to do it for me, but not so much anymore; it is, however, saved by two alarmingly fucked-up taboos (in my opinion): incest and lolis.
For me, I have no sexual interest in lolis because of their physical attributes. Rather, it's the mental empathetic response I have to them experiencing these sexual encounters at such a young age as I did. Incest follows the same pattern, as incest is usually depicted with at least one underage participant, at least in hentai. I've often found that some of these fucked-up ideas "leak out" to other sexual arousals; for instance, I've found myself being aroused by incestuous pornography featuring adults, such as the 1970's Taboo series. I have no urge to commit incest with a family member, but the carried-over taboo principle makes it worth jerkin' to.
Though I've found myself being aroused by related young girls in particular, as many of you have in your responses to certain threads - for instance, younger girls bouncing up and down on your lap and you may or may not try to hide your boner - I've made sure to not do anything to harm the relationship or the child since realizing my ways. I suppose some people live out their lives as deviants, taking pleasure in thinking of what they would do to such children, whereas others treat it as an affliction, seeking refuge on the internet where they can get these thoughts off their chest without persecution.
In closing, I'd like to ask if any of you have anything to add to the thread if you haven't already - similar experiences, similar thoughts, opposing views, memes, combos, count to 10, etc.