Post a good joke, make me laugh, get a t-shirt

Discussion in 'Fitness & Nutrition' started by siniquezu, Oct 16, 2006.

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  1. siniquezu

    siniquezu New Member

    Aug 8, 2003
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    Post a good joke, preferably about fitness/nutrition. Make me laugh and get your choice:

    *White Bulknutrition Bull T-shirt (L) - reserved for MAN1983
    *White Primaforce "Subtance Abuser" T-shirt (L) - reserved for jessb20hatch
    *White Primaforce "Subtance Abuser" T-shirt (XL) - reserved for MaineSucks
    *Grey BN Xtreme Pump T-shirt (XL)
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2006
  2. Damnation

    Damnation OT Supporter

    Jan 26, 2005
    Likes Received:
    South Florida
    i giggled...

    Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"
  3. Damnation

    Damnation OT Supporter

    Jan 26, 2005
    Likes Received:
    South Florida
    I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.

    i lol'ed
  4. Damnation

    Damnation OT Supporter

    Jan 26, 2005
    Likes Received:
    South Florida
  5. steviebeast

    steviebeast OT Supporter

    Oct 16, 2004
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    Chicago, IL
  6. HighwayReaper

    HighwayReaper New Member

    Oct 28, 2004
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    Smackdownville, Tx
    Guy comes home.. walks over to his wife and throws her his pants and says ' put them on!"
    she complies and complains" baby. they are to big. they dont fit"
    him:" EXACTLY>> I wear the pants in this family and dont you forget it!!!

    .. hmmmm

    so she stands up.. pulls off her panties and throws them to him and says " here baby.. please!! put them on"..

    he struggles. and fights. and cant get them past his knees..
    "babby. i just cant get into your panties"

    her:" KEEP up that attitude mother fucker and you wont ever again!
  7. Kotu

    Kotu OT Supporter

    Aug 10, 2003
    Likes Received:
    Montreal, Canada
    I'm looking around on my computer for stuff I have written down...

    Random Quotes:

    Most people spend half their time wishing for things they could have if they didn't spend half their time wishing.

    To obtain maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big mistake.

    Things are only impossible until they're not.

    You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

    Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for your convenience, not the caller's.

    The smartest people in the world are the ones who make you feel you are smarter than they are.

    Maturity begins when you feel you are right about something without feeling the need to prove someone else wrong.

    A friend is a person who goes around saying nice things about you behind your back.

    As a person grows wiser, he talks less and says more.

    "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

    Fulton J. Sheen:
    Jealousy is the tribute mediocrity pays to genius.

    Martin Luther King, JR.:
    In the end, we will remember not the words of out enemies, but the silence of our friends.

    George Washington:
    There is nothing so likely to produce peace as to be well prepared to meet the enemy.


    Originally Posted by Jcolman
    Watch out how a woman treats other people; sooner or later she'll treat you that way, too.
  8. JabbatheSmut

    JabbatheSmut Don't Pitch The Bitch

    Aug 24, 2003
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    Fenway Pahk
    Whats worse than doing dumbell curls in a squat rack??

    forgetting your pop tart load before you hit the gym
  9. watagatapitusberry

    watagatapitusberry OT Supporter

    Jun 15, 2004
    Likes Received:
    monument to man's arrogance
    Why do you fat people love math?

    cus the pi never ends
  10. Damnation

    Damnation OT Supporter

    Jan 26, 2005
    Likes Received:
    South Florida
  11. Kotu

    Kotu OT Supporter

    Aug 10, 2003
    Likes Received:
    Montreal, Canada
    It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

    At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

    One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

    A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

    Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

    I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

    If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

    I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

    Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

    Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

    The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

    I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

    I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

    Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

    Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

    I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

    I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

    I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

    The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

    Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

    I'd rather be rich than stupid.

    If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

    If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

    I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

    When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

    To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

    What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

    We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

    Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

    I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

    To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

    As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

    Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

    If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

    Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

    You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

    Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

    If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

    If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

    If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

    I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

    Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

    He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

    The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

    If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

    Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

    As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

    One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

    If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

    Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

    We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

    I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

    As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

    If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

    Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

    If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

    When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

    Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

    The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

    When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

    Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

    Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

    I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

    Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

    If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

    If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

    Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

    I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

    I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

    I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

    If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

    I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

    Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

    I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

    It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

    If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

    I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

    The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

    Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...

    Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

    The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

    Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

    I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

    I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

    A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

    I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

    Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

    I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

    If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

    I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

    If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

    I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

    Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

    I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

    I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.
  12. Kotu

    Kotu OT Supporter

    Aug 10, 2003
    Likes Received:
    Montreal, Canada
    I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit. I said, "C'mon you fuckers don't farm! What about some celery? Plus if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen."
    I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry." So it died.
    I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."
    My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know? I'm like, "Hey, wait, come back. Let me hold one of you... and feed you a leaf."
    Koala bears. They're so fuckin' cute, why do they gotta live so far away from me? We should ship a few over. And I will apprehend one. And hold him. And pet him on the back of his head.
    A kitten bats around a ball of yarn but what he's really saying is, "You know I can't knit, motherfucker, take it off me!!." That is one foul mouthed kitten.
    A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone. The dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Holy shit! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"
    I wanted to get a parrot, but I got a tape recorder instead. It's like a parrot who doesn't fly away. You don't have to worry about a tape recorder just suddenly leaving, in the name of freedom.
    I saw a fish all by itself, I said, "Dude, you should stay in school."
    If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals because you will run out.
    I was at the lake and I saw this seagull, so I walked up to it and said, "It's okay, I won't tell anybody."
    A dog is forever in the push-up position.
    I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.
    A hippopotamus is just a really cool opotamus.

    Turkeys, chickens, and ducks
    I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Someone needs to tell the turkey "Man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother. You do not need to emulate the other animals. You got your own thing goin'. I used to draw you." (Stares at hand.) Man, if you were missing a couple of fingers, you drew one messed-up turkey. You'd be like, "That turkey's been in an accident."
    I find that ducks' opinions of me are very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they do not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on a duck ever. Like, if I worked in a convenience store, and a duck walked in and took a loaf of bread in its beak, I would let him go. I would say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends." When I think of a duck's friends, I think of more ducks. But heck, he could have like, a beaver in tow. Cause if you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, cause they have some kick-ass houses. That shit is on the lake. Lakeside my ass, lake on!
    I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce on it," which she did. She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"
    I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It's a strange piece of machinery... "We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I'll be darned if I'm not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort."
    The last Dawn dishwashing liquid commercial they had on had an oily duck and they cleaned it off. They said "Dawn dishwashing liquid cleans off an oily duck." That's a weird way to advertise a dishwashing liquid. We clean oily ducks and plates, so if you have an oily duck over for dinner we can help you in two ways.
    I was in a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me because she said, "OK, how would you like your eggs, sir?" I tried to answer anyhow: "Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled!"
    I saw a Boxing commercial and it said "It's a fight to the finish" That's a good place to end.
    I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
    Foosball messed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me.
    I wish I could play Little League now... I'd kick some fuckin' ass. I'd be way better than before. Who's back-up now?
    The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're fucking relentless.
    I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got a hole-in-one ... but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore," but I was too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him." I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an asshole.
    You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "No"?
    This one time I was in a convenience store, and a guy came up and asked me, "What's the score?" and I said, "What is the game? If it's a competition between me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions that befuddle him, then you are winning, one to nothing. Are you happy now, you competitive fucker!?"
    Yeah, I'm not into sports. If I had athlete's foot, my first reaction would be, "That's not my fucking foot."
    I don't wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop. "Hey, how the fuck did he do that?" "In Hollywood it's all who you know, and I know Crackle."
    You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; but they do want to make it late for something. "Where were you?" "I got caught!" "Bullshit, let me see the inside of your lip!"
    I want to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job working for Mrs. Paul's. Just put me in a boat with some empty boxes and I'll return them to the freezer section of your local grocery store.
    I want to climb a mountain — not so I can get to the top — 'cause I want to hang out at base camp. That seems fucking fun as shit. You sleep in a colorful tent, you grow a beard, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around... "Hey, you going to the top?" — "Soon."
    Foods and beverages
    You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print 'shake well' on the carton, cause you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, 'Shake to the best of your ability.' Then I'd have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. 'Alright, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker.'
    All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!...And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown. He attracts too many children."
    In Kilkenny, Ireland, they don't have anything American over there, it's very cool. But they did have a Subway sandwich shop. That was the one thing they had American, and that became the American Embassy to me. I would go out to a bar and piss off an Irish dude and have him chase me to the Subway. I said, "Dude, I'm sorry, but you're out of your jurisdiction. But you can have a cold cut combo, though."
    I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzeria ... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizzeria locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."
    I went to a pizzeria and I ordered a slice of pizza; the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the 'donate to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it'!
    When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrenes, party of two. Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrenes, party of two, Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Busch, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You people are selfish... the Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Busch, search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes.
    I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Do not fall asleep or I will tip you over."
    Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper. But its a bullshit replica because dude didn't even get his degree.
    Cheese and crackers
    I was in a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, so every bite was a surprise as to how much cheese I had applied to each cracker. That's why I believe they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.
    I have a cheese-shredder, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
    I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbecue and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito Dad, you know how I like mine.......with grill marks."
    I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and still identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. "That's Swiss!" "Yes, it is." "But how did you know?" "Because of the fucking holes!" Swiss cheese is a rip-off; it is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!" I got some swiss air on that bite.
    I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said, "Try it with turkey and cheese." "Try it with peanut butter." Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em — I like crackers. There ain't no suggestion: "Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz." I didn't buy 'em 'cuz they're little edible plates.
    I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said, "Fuck it. Cut 'em up!"
    I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. "What's a giraffe taste like?" "A hippopotamus! I had 'em back-to-back!"
    I like cottage cheese. That is why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. It would be devastating.
    Breakfast foods
    I bought a doughnut from a store and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money, then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under D... for doughnut.
    I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
    I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again," because apparently they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me — "C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait — Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."
    I like waffles better than pancakes. Because waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps. They say to syrup, "You ain't going anywhere, don't even be trying to creep down the sides. Just rest in these squares, if one square is full, move to the next one. When you hit butter, split up."
    I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could make the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
    As a comedian you have to start a show strong and end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first but at the end, you're fucking sick of 'em.
    Peter Frampton is a musical legend, but I don't know any of his music. When you meet a legend, and you don't know their body of work, you have to divert from that fact. It's like: "Hey Peter Frampton... do you like... toast, too? Yes, as do I. It is warm and crispy. And a perfect place for jelly to lay. Now stay away from me, Frampton, I ain't got shit to say to you."
    I'm lactose intolerant, so I eat my cereal with a fork.
    Candy and vending machines
    Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owner. "Hey, which candy bar are you getting?" "That one...and every one on the bottom row!"
    I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines... It would have to be real fucking big!
    I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
    I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
    I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read that name "Reese's", that's an apostrophe S. Reese's apostrophe S at the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says, "Let me have that," you better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese. I didn't think I'd ever run into you. You're a fuckin' bully, man! Let me at least have a Piece."
    The Kit Kat candy bar has the name "Kit Kat" imprinted in the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. I'm gonna go down to the factory,"you owe me some letters!"
    Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's the bullshit replica, 'cuz dude didn't even get his degree. Why did you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?
    They say Diet Dr Pepper tastes just like regular Dr Pepper. Well, then, they fucked up!
    I enjoy a Kit Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
    I wanted this candy bar in a vending machine..the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, found the H button, and pushed it twice...fuckin', potato chips came out, man, 'cause they had an 'HH' button, for Christ's sake, you need to let me know! I am not familiar with the concept of 'HH!' I did not learn my AA BB CCs. God god dammit dammit!
    They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that. "Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite?" "Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!"
    I can't wait 'til this set is over, 'cuz I've got a roll of Lifesavers in my pocket, and pineapple is next!
    I saw a six pack of soda-pop for $1.20. That price fucks with your head, man. Because then I thought that I would start selling soda-pop. Suddenly I got things of pop with me. "What's going on, Mitch?" "Not much, looking to buy some pop? Fifty cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment."
    I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
    I used to buy a lot of M&Ms, they're a delicious candy. But then I switched to aspirin. I find that if you hand your friend two aspirin, he doesn't look at you like you're selfish.
    Other food jokes
    I like the hotels that have the rotating restaurants, you know? I've never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it, and I gave her a burrito.
    At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. For a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go right ahead, and red means, dude, where the fuck did you get that banana at?
    This guy asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I said, "No ... but I would like a regular banana later, so ... yeah."
    I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
    I don't have a microwave but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
    I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I." "Well lets form a club then." "Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations." "Yes we do." "Instead of cutting it once, let's cut it again." "Yeah, four triangles." "And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips." "Or potato salad." "Ok." "Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed. Spread the word on menus nationwide." "I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts." "Well you're not in the fucking club!"
    I saw a wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude — you have to wait!"
    (Remarking about his drink while onstage) Look at all the limes in this god-damn thing! This fuckin' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news man. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I'll reach for a lime... I'll be water skiing without a life preserver and people'll say 'What the hell?' and I'll pull out a lime...and a lemon too. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
    I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
    You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
    They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! They're going to have to change that McDonalds song to, 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a... bun. "What's a sesame seed grow into?" I don't know, we never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street. It's a way to... open.. shit. How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical. There has to be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular!
    Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
    Fettuccine alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
    I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
    I was at a fair, and they were having a contest. It said, "Guess how many jelly beans there are in the jar" and you win a prize. "Ah c'mon, man, lemme just haaaave some. Tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are right."
    "I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
    I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender....all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. "Hey, what does that do?" "It keeps shit fresh." "Well that's a fresher. I'm going on break."
    I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
    Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodle.
    I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil... and the devil was Dill.
    You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn," and call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it "Mitch," then reattach it and call me "Mitch-all-together."
    It would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food, and then the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring, and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
    I like baked potatoes, but I don't have a microwave oven - it takes forever to cook one in a conventional oven. Sometimes I throw one in the oven, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows? I throw one in and go on vacation.
    I eat a lot of sandwiches, who doesn't man, sandwiches are easy to eat. But I hate sandwiches at New York delis, too much fucking meat on the sandwich, it's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "What would you like, sir?" "A pastrami sandwich." "Anything else?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people." "What kind of bread?" "Rye. No, fuck, banana, you got banana bread?" "What kind of cheese?" "Cottage" "Get the fuck out! I am not making a banana bread pastrami cottage cheese sandwich. That will severely ruin my reputation."
    If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
    You shouldn't put stickers on a fruit. I know it has a smooth surface, but come on, fuck, leave it be. That's why I'm eating an apple, because it's a one hand operation. Sticker removal is a two hand operation. This hand said "Let me have a break" and I said "Sure, you can hang to the side. I will have an apple." And I'm eating the apple, "It's cool, hand, you're hanging. Oh shit, there's a sticker. Sorry, dude, but you're back in action."
    Jokes about jokes
    Comedy clubs
    I'm going to open up my own chain of comedy clubs, Price is Right style. There will be no one on the bill, just a bunch of people in the audience with name tags on. Then someone will get on the microphone, "John Chicattee come on down.... and you better be fucking funny!"
    This sign says "IMPROV". I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an "E" on the end of it.
    I'm getting a good deal from this club — 50% of the door. Last night I got 50% of the door, and tonight I'm getting 50% of the door. Tomorrow, I'm going to go out and buy a door.
    Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
    See, I write jokes for a living, man. I sit in my hotel at night and think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and write 'em down. Or, if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of, ain't funny.
    My manager takes 10% from me. Sometimes I work for free drinks.... I bring him home a Jack and Coke.
    At some comedy clubs they pass out comment cards. You fill it out with your name and address, and there's a line for comments for people to put what they think. Sometimes people write negative things, and that's not necessary. I've read some that say "Mitch sucks" but I look up above and it has their name and address. That's right, I do suck, but I've got a lot of free time.
    I have some monitors up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.
    In the club when they want to get offstage they turn on a red light that indicated you have five minutes left. Some clubs they'll hold up a candle in the back. That's the worst method because you're up here drinking and you look in the back and see a floating candle. "Aw shit, this place is haunted. I cannot be funny when I'm frightened."
    When the audience doesn't respond
    That joke's better than you acted. Perhaps it's not, maybe it's dumb, it could be. I hear ya man. I'm not a fucking genius for christ's sake, you know? Fuck, I'm just trying to tell some jokes, shit! Who the fuck are you? ...That one was track 19 and it was called "Attitude."
    Gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. You know what sweeten means, that's a showbiz term for "add sugar to."
    This shit is funny. Why are you guys not laughing? Well, actually, this is not funny shit. Funny shit would be if you took a shit, and it came out looking like...a sword.
    I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
    That joke came from the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny.
    When the audience laughs
    That laugh will be duplicated and placed after jokes that didn't work, I'm gonna use you. I'm gonna make a whole CD of unfunny jokes, and then add your laughs to it — on loop. And then list you individually on the CD: "These people don't like funny jokes"... "Heres what they look like..." Fuck.
    I think you like me better now, I should do my show over again. [repeats first part of the first joke told in the special] heh.. Mitch Hedberg's 90 minute special.
    You people will laugh at shit that's funny and won't laugh at shit that's not funny... you're fuckin' accurate.
    I like to smoke a pipe, cause it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit off the pipe, you fuckers should be laughing. [Audience laughs.] Not yet though, I haven't said shit.
    Comedians never make studio albums. Come on, engineer, FUCKING LAUGH!
    You know what? Everyone who doesn't laugh at my jokes are fucked up motherfuckers! You heard me! Laugh or you'll be fucking your mom tonight!
    Aw man. My OLD shit works better than my new shit... I am out of ideas.
    In-performance jokes
    I've always wanted to handcuff a suitcase to my wrist.... alright [Audience laughs.] That's not a full joke there, that's filler, the list is bending up ... I can't read it.
    Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
    This is my favorite place to perform - in a big room full with people. I was here 3 years ago, and I thought I did pretty well - everybody was laughin' and having a good time. But then, they didn't bring me back for 3 years. So tonight, I'm gonna try to suck. Maybe that'll bring me back next year...
    Hey, check this joke out. If you want to talk to me after the show, I'll be... fucking surprised. I'm gonna have to have some liner notes for that joke. "During that joke, Mitch points to the back." So people get the full experience. I'm gonna do a bunch of jokes that require actually seeing me. Then the CD will piss people off. "Hey, what do you think of that shirt? What the fuck, man? That's ridiculous" [audience laughs] "God damn, look at that haircut! You're fuckin nuts, dude!" Those people will not get the full experience.
    Mitch:Hey, you can smoke in Minnesota clubs, right? [silence] Can you? Guy in audience: YOU can! Mitch: Well who the fuck am I? [lights pipe] Mitch Hedberg, that's right.
    I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
    Today we got here early, and we unloaded the truck... the stool and microphone stand... and we still had like five hours... so we re-loaded the truck, to see if we could unload more efficiently... We got it down to two seconds.
    I heard the last comic say you guys freakin' rock I thought maybe you were all in a band or something... If you were it would be real big. You make the Polyphonic Spree look like a solo artist.
    The host said I needed no introduction, and then he introduced me. But I do need an introduction... or else I would still be back there... behind the curtain... waiting for my name.
    Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. "You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show", but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store" and people would say "Hell yes I have!"
    I whittled the list down today. These are the jokes I could think of today. Which mean they are the CD jokes. I might think of another one that won't be on this list and I'll throw it in, in a moment of spontaneity, that you won't be able to detect. Because you won't notice it's not on the list. But I will be proud of the spontaneity, and you'll see it in my... stride.
    See, this CD will be in stores. The only way to get my last CD in stores is if I would take one in and leave it. They say "Sir, you forgot this." "No I did not! That is for sale! Please alphabetize it."
    I gotta follow Stephen Lynch. That is a hard act to follow. I'm a hard act to follow too. Cause when I am done, I take the microphone with me.
    Fuck off ... Oops I'm sorry, that's rude, fuck back on!
    I went to Ireland to tell jokes [Guy in Audience]: WOO HOO! [Mitch]: That's right, and thats why I left, 'cuz fuckers go "Woo hoo!" and I'll be damned if they don't do it here too!
    [Mitch approaches front-row crowd, who apparently aren't enjoying themselves to the expectations of Mr. Hedberg] "You fuckers aren't laughing... Paid big money for front-row seats. Now, I get to decide just how good these seats are... I could just be all like... [Mitch turns around and walks backstage] "Fuck you!" [Still from backstage, we hear a thump and a disgruntled "Ow"] "This is experimental comedy right here... Allright. [Mitch ventures back dragging a one-wheeled dolly behind him.] "Hey! Check it out! A One-Wheeled Dolly!.. [pause] I will sell you this dolly for... ten dollars? No? Allright, time for the pipe joke... [Mitch pulls out his pipe and leans on the dolly.] Note: The rest of the show, the one-wheeled dolly was used as an arm rest for Mitch.
    (After replugging in his microphone) I hate puzzles.
    (Part of the crowd started talking) [Mitch] What are you talking about over there? [Girl from crowd] It's funny! [Mitch] I don't need you to say 'It's funny', I just need you to say 'ha ha ha'. (Mitch tells another joke) [Mitch] What did you think of that joke? [Girl from crowd] SPECTACULAR! [Mitch] Spectacular? That's a big word. You fuckers are intelligent.
    I like to close my eyes onstage, 'cause I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids...
    I can't tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this 'something tree'," so they had a meeting. It was quite short. "How about 'Tree.'" "No." "'DoubleTree'?" "Hell YEAH! Meeting adjourned!" "I had my heart set on 'QuadrupleTree.' We were almost there!"
    I met the girl that works at the DoubleTree front desk. She gave me her phone number; it's Zero. I tried to call her from here; some other woman answered. I said, "You sound older."
    I've got a do not disturb sign on my hotel door; it says, "Do not disturb." It's time to go with "Don't disturb." It's been "do not" for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. "Don't Disturb." "Do not" psyches you out. "'Do', alright! I get to disturb this guy! 'Not'... Shit!!... I need to read faster!" I like to wear a do not disturb sign on my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. Say "Hey, how ya doin', nephew?" "Knock knock!" "Read the sign, punk!"
    I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try hitting four and five back to back real quick."
    I'm staying at a hotel and it doesn't have a 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But c'mon, people on the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? "1401." No, you're not! Jump out the window and you will die earlier.
    Sometimes the hotel I stay at has a minibar. A minibar is a machine that makes everything... expensive. And when I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'm gonna replace it before they can check me off and charge me. But they make that shit impossible to replace. I go to the store, "Do you have Coke in a glass harmonica? Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"
    Other travel jokes
    I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
    I asked this guy for directions to the store. He said "Oh, that's just a hop, skip and a jump away." Well... that ain't how I'm getting there. You got any directions for those who are walking?
    I rented a car, not because I needed one, but because I wanted there to be one less available. One businessman on the bus saying "Fuck!"
    When I get a rental car, I usually don't know a lot about it, so I do things like driving for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the "emergency" brake. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.
    Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
    In the South, they say y'all in the South. They take out the o and the u, so when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle... S'p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand me! I mean, I'm in the S'th, and I want some s'p! I stubbed my toe... 'ch!... I need to lay down on the c'ch... I need to get the f'ck 't of the S'th.
    I had an apartment and I had a neighbour, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a doorknob on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat."
    I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying, "We don't have to fix shit."
    I bought a house. It's a 2 bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are. Don't you? Fuck you, real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house. Sir, you've got one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!
    I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said, "This is not a library." So I said, "All right, I will talk louder then!"
    I was at the grocery store buying eight apples, and the clerk asked me if I would like a bag and I said, "No, man, I juggle! But I can only juggle eight. If I'm ever here buying nine apples, fuckin' bag 'em up!"
    I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 AM and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This shirt would be half done!"
    I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn. I think that the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around, then when I finally make it in the guy will say, "Can I help you, sir?" and I'll say, "Just practicing."
    Kinko's is my favorite copy place 'cause it's open 24 hours. Like, if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered. Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat: "Shit... oh yeah, Kinko's... alright, that will not remain singular."
    Household items
    My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
    I have a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications...I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too!" When I was a kid, I laid awake in my twin-sized bed wonderin' where my brother was...
    I have an oscillating fan at home; it looks like the fan is saying 'No...' so I like to ask it questions that a fan would say 'no' to. "Do you keep my hair in place?"..."Do you keep my documents in order?"..."Do you have three settings?"...Liar! My fan fuckin' lied to me! Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit!"
    I got a lamp in my hotel room and it has a 3-way lightbulb in it. If you don't know a lightbulb is a 3-way lightbulb, it messes with your head, because you go to turn it off and it just gets brighter. Like "Damn it, lightbulb, that's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do." And then you turn it again and it gets brighter once more. "I will break you."
    I saw an ad on TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it said "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus!
    I saw some two dollar bills today. They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control. Now it's worth eight. It still says two. I miss the two. I could break a two. Alright.
    Non-household items
    I want to be a race car passenger—just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep going in circles? Can I stick my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide."
    I saw a guy jugglin' chainsaws, it was cool but.. unless somethin' needs to be sawed down, then it's just annoying.. It's like "Come on, Rick, can we use... one?" Track number 5 will not be Chainsaw juggling..Haha.. it''ll be this one..
    Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. Xylophone ZZZ X, I don't fucking see it. Next time you spell Xylophone, use a Z and if someone says "Hey thats wrong!" say "... no it ain't." If you think that that's wrong then you need to get your head Z-Rayed. It's like X didn't have enough to do so they had to promise it more. "Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but you will have a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be equated with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing 'Christmas' easier. And you will incidentally start 'xylophone.' Are you happy, ya fucking X?"
    I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why; that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfucker.
    I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible. *
    I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."
    I don't know shit about cars, man. If my car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say E, I'm fucked. But if the gas tank says E I get all cocky. "I got this one, don't worry 'bout it" lemme grab the toolbox, AKA wallet. I'd be a shitty auto mechanic. If someone brought their car in to me and said "My car won't start!" "... Well, maybe there's a killer after you!"
    I'd like to take a toothpick and throw it into a forest and say, 'You're home.'
    I can whistle with my fingers too... especially if I have a whistle.
    I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a lake, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity... of a fish... that I have never seen before...H'Alright.
    One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera, what's it look like?"
    I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly.
    I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like 22222222. I would say, "Sweet." People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough. Instead of 'hello,' I say STOP!!!"
    You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy, but oftentimes they use too many letters? "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-LOVE-BRAND-NEW-CARPETING." I like to spell it out til the bitter end, and if the lady's still on the other end, God bless her. (Alt: 1-800-I-REALLY-ENJOY-CARPETING. It's too many letters man, must I dial them all? "Hello?" "Hold on, man. I'm only on 'enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good. I can see why they hired you.")
    I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!' and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye,' then you can yell 'Cut!'"
  13. Kotu

    Kotu OT Supporter

    Aug 10, 2003
    Likes Received:
    Montreal, Canada
    Dr. Scholl is a doctor, which means he spent nine years in med school. That man wasted his time. It took him nine years to learn that cushions make shoes comfortable. I would have bought that shit from a Mr. Scholl. Maybe even a Señor Scholl.
    Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
    I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. {alt, at live show) I like to wear this VIP pass, cause it helps me know if I'm upside down.
    I wear v-neck shirts, this is a v-neck I got on. My neck is so fragile man, I can't wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Like if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it's like a weak midget is trying to bring you down.
    I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
    This jacket is dry clean only. Which means .... it's dirty.
    My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
    I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.
    Alright, Alright, Alright. This suit is held together by safety pins so I can't move very much. It will fall apart.
    I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.
    I went to see a heavy metal band in New York...called Monster Magnet. Man, they were heavy, boy. The lead singer was wearing no shirt and leather pants, and he had like a "Flying V" guitar. He got up on the monitor, and he said, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question. "Yes, I do feel like a human. I do not feel like a tree."
    I played in a Death Metal band. People either loved us, or they hated us. Or they thought we were just OK. A Lot of Death Metal bands have intense names like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary or Obituary. We weren't that intense. We just went with "Injured." And later we changed it to "Acappella"... as we were walkin' out of the pawn shop.
    Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a woman, but this can backfire because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with, but now it's been cheapened... "We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let's keep on givin'." "Remember that song, baby? The night I fucked you in the pet cemetery?"
    You know when you go to a concert like punk-rock and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd? People think that's dangerous, but not me... because humans are made of 95% water, so the audience is 5% away from a pool.
    TV, radio, and advertising
    This product was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, fucker... The last payment must be made in wampum!
    Hey, I did a radio interview for XM Radio. Nobody heard it, c'mon, who has XM Radio? (a few cheers) Hey, I'll be damned, it's growing in popularity. They said, 'You can swear on XM Radio.' No shit, cuz nobody can hear it. You can swear in the woods too.
    I saw a commercial that said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers!" ... So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.
    You know when they show someone on TV washing their hair under a waterfall? That's fucking bullshit, man, because that thing would knock you on your ass!
    I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say, "What the fuck am I supposed to do now? The water's only up to here. What should I do? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet? I can't even drown my kneecaps!"
    I did a radio interview. The DJ's first question was, "Who are you?" I had to think, "Is this guy really deep, or did I drive down to the wrong station?"
    My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
    I have 2 sisters, and one of them is named Wendy, and if you asked Wendy if I was weird, she'd probably say yeah. But that's fucked up, 'cause she's weird. 'Cause, she has a husband, and two children, and they have a family photo on top of their VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something's goin' on over there. The camera is right in front of you, but I guess something happened to the left, that made everybody happy. Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right the fuck on.
    I wrote a letter to my dad. I wanted to write, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote "rarely" instead of "really." But I still wanted to use it! I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote, "I rarely... drive steamboats, Dad — there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.
    And then at the end of the letter I like to write, "P.S. — This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
    Sometimes I get so pissed at my parents because they wanted to adopt. My sister could have been the love of my life, but now I'll never know.
    I was gonna stay over at my friend's house. She says "You're gonna have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! Got me again. You don't know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall!
    I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. "He has three apples left...I guess I can't have one." Wouldn't want to mess up the practice routine.
    If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
    My friend said to me, "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No, man, it's not the weather that is trippy. Perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'"
    My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause in there."
    I knew a woman who was a good friend of mine, and she gave me a friendship card that said "a friend is one of life's most beautiful gifts." On the inside were a bunch of quotes about friendship. Got me thinking that maybe I should quit stealing money out of her purse. But I couldn't, because her birthday was fast approaching.
    I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.
    I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? "*zzzt* ... Fuck you."
    My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.
    I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells her name L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend's name was Lyn, too. She spells her name L-Y-N. Every now and then I mess up and call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name. And she can tell because I don't say "nn" as long.
    I had a roommate whose name was Eddie, and Eddie was slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter and I had a problem; I said, "Ed, how do you abbreviate 'Arkansas?'" He said, "I don't know. Just start spelling it, then quit."
    Like, we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside. After a few days the shell started to crack. Eddie's first comment was, "Man, this guy is a survivor."
    If you were walking down the street with Eddie and a car pulled up to you and two guys got out with ski masks and guns and said, "Get in the car. We're going to kidnap you," Eddie would've said, "Shotgun!" I would've been in the back seat with the other kidnapper... "He called it." Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo, so I fucked up.
    I live in New York, and I got a roommate to save money, but see, I messed up, cause I'm 31 and I'm too old for a roommate. I signed a year lease too. I messed up severely. It's as though I wrote a bad joke and now I gotta tell it for a year.
    Other people jokes
    I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
    I saw this girl once, and she was born without arms. I spoke with her parents, and they said she doesn't know the meaning of the word "can't." Poor girl, not only can she not wear bracelets, but she cannot embrace a simple contraction. Just take out some letters, put a comma in there, and move it up!
    Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up."
    This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
    I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too.
    Gambling, casinos, and the lottery
    My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion... Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six. At least."
    I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
    I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the fuckin' sound of my addiction.
    Russians take shit too far. Roulette is fun and all, but no, those Russians had to take it one step further. How do you come up with a game like that anyways? Whatever they do, they do it with intensity. Who was in space first? I rest my case.
    I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table.
    You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."
    I bought a scratch-off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shit! I will not know if I have won!
    I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry!"
    Alcohol and drugs
    Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says, right on the bottle, 'Do not have more than 2.' Well then do not put a candy coating around it, for I cannot help myself. Let me have 10 Advil. I got a sweet tooth.
    I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
    Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having. "Dammit, Otto, you are an alcoholic." "Dammit, Otto, you have Lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right.
    My manager told me, "Mitch, don't use alcohol as a crutch." I can't use alcohol as a crutch, because a crutch is something that helps me walk. Alcohol severely fucks up the way I walk. It's more like the step I didn't see.
    If you drink O'Doul's, you're not drinking. But if you drink 20 O'Doul's in a half hour, you're a fuckin' non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem, too; and there are symptoms, like when you fall down, it will always hurt.
    Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I'd see things that looked like beams of light... and I'd hear things that sound an awful lot like car horns...
    This is gonna blow my cover, but...I like the FedEx driver, because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time. I like my drugs to have a tracking number. Then when my friend says, "Mitch, where's the drugs?" I just say, "Call the 1-800 number." Your drugs were loaded onto a van at 7:30 AM and will arrive on time. Perfect, that's what I paid for.
    To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were, like, yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, "Have you ever tried sugar...or PCP?"
    I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
    I was in Ireland. I got to drink absinthe in Ireland. Absinthe is a liquor that they outlaw. It's supposed to make you trip hallucinogenically. So I got excited because I like to hallucinate. So I started drinking lots of shots of it. But really it's just a liquor, so really I was just getting fucked up. I wasn't even remotely tripping. After 10 shots, I fell to the ground. I was trying to force the trip. "Why is the floor as low as I can go?" I was just faking it, you know.
    The club owner here, when he comes to town, he'll hook you up with drugs. He'll give you cocaine and pot brownies. But last time I was in town, he gave me a drug for Attention Deficit Disorder. Because he's afflicted. But I'm not. So what happened to me is, suddenly I had an extra long attention span. People would be telling me a story, then the story would end and I would get all mad and shit. "Come on, man. There's got to be more to that story. I'm on pills here."
    I think Visine is only used by potheads. Who else would use Visine? "I use Visine because I don't want people to know that I was swimming."
    I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
    I got to act with Peter Frampton, he was in the movie. And we had to smoke pot for a scene, but it was FAKE pot. Do not buy pot on a movie set. But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton. That's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton...I've done that WAY more.
    Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind. Because of acid I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
    I drink Orange Juice with Vodka. It's like Vitamin C that kicks your ass!
    When we were on acid we would go into the woods; because when you were in the woods trippin' there was less likely a chance you'd run into an authority figure...but we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzz-kill. My friend Dwayne was standing there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder and said to me "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person."
    When I went to England to tell this joke, I had to find out if they knew who Smokey the Bear was. But they didn't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought "Man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog..." You never say 'here comes that frog' in a horrifying manner. It's always optimistic. "Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he'll settle near me, and I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16-ounce world."
    I got some tartar-control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit's under control. If the tartar gets outta line, I'm like, "Come on, man, you know the deal. Fall in! You crazy-ass tartar..." I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in shit! ... That's actually kinda gross. After I tell that joke, I always clarify that I'm just joking. I don't know how much tartar I actually have. I believe it's the average amount. If we all did a tartar test right now, my name would be right in the fuckin' middle.
    I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
    I thought my teeth were white, until I washed my face with Noxzema. They're not white, they're off-white. Hell, I'm not even white, I'm off-white. We're a new race, we will prevail!
    I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "Fuck that. I'll just get a tan instead."
    My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
    I booked myself at Las Vegas, in a casino, the Riviera Hotel, that has a comedy club. There were 4 comedians on the bill and we all had similar hair because we were all using the Riviera in-house shampoo. So we all have equal shine and bounce. It was a 2-in-1 shampoo and 2-in-1 is a bullshit term because 1 isn't big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. If it was 2-in-1, it would be overflowing. The bottle would be all sticky and shit...
    I was in my hotel's shower, and I started washing my hair, then I looked at the bottle, and it turned out I was using body wash. It was like a scene from one of those action movies where they get real close to the object. I was like, "Body wash... BODY WASH?" And then I realized my hair was part of my body and I didn't even care.
    Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
    I can't floss my teeth, man. I can't get into the flossing thing. People who smoke say, "Man, you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking." Yes, I do—it's as hard as it is to start flossing... "You seem jittery." "Yeah, I'm about to floss!"
    Man, I hate flossing. I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't need to make separations for me.
    I have a few cavities. I don't like to call 'em cavities, I like to call 'em places to put stuff! 'Do you know where I can store a pea?' 'Yes, I have some locations available'.
    [That joke was a 1.0 on the Richter Scale] ... If something is 1.0, you don't need to say ".0" You can just say ... "1". Ain't no one goin' to say "point-what," fucker? Oh - 1.0."
    Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
    Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
    Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, and the next thing you know your bass player turns into a can of soup.
    Hey! Get your priorities crooked.
    I saw a girl picking a flower's petals, saying "He loves me, he loves me not." And I thought to myself "What if that flower could talk?" It'd be like "FUCK! that hurts!! FUCK! That hurts as well!! Fuck you, I'm no longer pretty! And he loves you not! I could've told you I had an even number of petals!!"
    Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
    I mumble a lot offstage; I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me. He'll say, "What?" So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says, "What?" But really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
    I was at a bar once, and no one was talking to me 'cuz I just did a show, and I ran into a guy, and instead of saying "Excuse me" he said, "Move." I thought that was rude so I said, "Go to hell," then I started to run. He caught me, though. He had on a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, a lip ring, two eyebrow piercings, a pair of sunglasses, a pony-tail, and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, man, you got a lot of nerve," and then I said "Hey, man, you have a lot of... cranium accessories." [crowd laughs] You guys are a smart crowd. When I do the dumber crowds, I have to say, "Hey, man, you got a lot of shit on your head!"
    I would imagine if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. You'd say "Shut up! I don't understand! 'Share'...'the'...'we'...'too' -- I don't get it!"
    When it comes to racism, some people say, "I don't care if they are black, white, purple or green." Ah, hold on now...purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocatin'... Then, help 'em!
    If you get lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "I used to be lost, but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"
    Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be fucking chaos.
    I wanna see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so damn literal! "You're using that machine to its exact specification! That machine has been misunderstood for years."
    You know when you have medication that makes you drowsy they print the warning label "do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of this medication." The way I feel, do not operate heavy machinery EVER. Its fuckin' heavy. Just put it down and back the fuck up. Operate some light machinery, like a stapler. Put the forklift away.
    I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
    Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, YOU throw this away."
    I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
    I hate dreaming. Because when you sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, ya know? There I am in a comfortable bed, the next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord. I want to dream of me watching myself sleep.
    Thirteen's an unlucky number. If thirteen's unlucky, then so should the letter B be. Cuz B looks like a scrunched together thirteen. "Hello. What's your name?" "BOB." "Get the fuck away!"
    I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
    I type at one hundred and one words a minute. But it's in my own language.
    If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
    I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
    I use the word "totally" too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. "Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?" "All-encompassingly."
    I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
    I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I needed to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."
    I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I have to be somewhere."
    I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
    As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So, if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend like I got there accidentally. "How'd I get up here, God dammit?! I guess I have to slide down. Weeee." That's what you say when you're having fun — you refer to yourself and some other people.
    I've had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore; I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS? No? Cool. 'Cause you know me."
    I was on That 70's Show, and I put it on my acting résumé. Before that my acting résumé was sparse; it was all bullshit. It was like, "When I'm playing pool, and I make a shot, I act like I'm not surprised. I had a bad audition and I acted like I didn't care."
    I got into comedy to do comedy, which is weird, I know. But when you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say, "Alright, you're a standup comedian. Can you act? Can you write? Write us a script." They want me to do things that's related to comedy but not comedy. That's not fair. It's as though I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they said, "Alright, you're a cook... Can you farm?"
    I never joined the army because "at ease" was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. "At ease" was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
    A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
    I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary, It did not need to exist... It was pure Danger.
    Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula.
    In my house I have a sliding glass door, and on it is a sticker that says "Warning: Alarm System". And it's a pretty simple alarm system, consisting of... a sticker.
    I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
    People in a parade are cocky. They think they've attracted an audience, but really it's just people waiting to cross the street. I could attract a crowd too if I stood in everyone's way.
    I got a cold sore. I hate to say it, Minnesota, but in a cold sore I put Carmex on it 'cause Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I dunno if it does help, but it will make them shiny and more noticeable. It's like cold sore highlighter! Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
    I fuckin' hate arrows, man. It's like, "Fuck you. I'm not going that way .... line... with two thirds...of a triangle on the end." Could you imagine being killed by a bow and arrow? That would suck. An arrow killed you. They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy.... Let's go that way."
    I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.
    I smoke cigars occasionally. I don't know a lot about cigars. Like if I'm at a cigar store, the guy behind the counter says, "What kind of cigars do you like?" "Uhhh... It's-a-boys."
    See, I'm a dreamer, man. And when I was a cook I'd always work with people who weren't dreamers. Like, I was cooking at this restaurant and I put a hot dog on the grill and my kitchen manager came over, and he said, "Mitch, put the hot dog up here, in the right hand corner of the grill, so in case you get a whole bunch of orders at once you have all this space available." See, that's how I knew he wasn't a dreamer, 'cause the day I give up my dreams is the day I have strategic grill locations. A dreamer has a philosophy: the entire grill is hot.
    That would be cool if the Earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.
    I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
    I hate spelling words with double letters, because I never know when I'm supposed to stutter on purpose.
    If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
    I drove by a company that sold manufactured homes. But these were reposessed manufactured homes. I would not want to be a manufactured home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away. *Knock knock knock* "Hi, could you go cut your grass? Then look that way for a half an hour?"
    I walked by a spy shop; you know those places that sell surveillance equipment. Every time I walk by a spy shop I think ‘I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick’s been acting fishy. I need to buy a little camera. I need to buy a safe that looks like a Coca-Cola can. Or better yet, a safe that looks like a Spray and Wash can; that would create better situations. ‘Hey Mitch, can I use the Spray and Wash?’ – ‘Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!’
    I like the American-Canadian border because if you're walkin' along the border with your friend and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, because first he has to go through customs. 'What brings you to Canada?' 'That asshole.' 'When are you leaving?' 'When I regain my equilibrium.'
    I like the way this [venue] is situated. It seems like you were chasing me, closing in, and then said, "Fuck it. Let's sit down."
    As a headliner I've gotta do 45 minutes of comedy. That's a sitcom and a haaaaalf! For Christ's sake. I never seen a show and said, "I wanna see that character for fifteen more minutes." So I know you're sick of me, and I'm sick of myself. It's a long time to stand up here and say, "Listen to me, fuck haha! Don't talk or you'll get kicked the fuck out!"
    I've got a fire alarm at home. But really it's like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer. "Do you want to slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle."
    I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.
  14. Magic

    Magic --------------------

    Sep 19, 2006
    Likes Received:
  15. siniquezu

    siniquezu New Member

    Aug 8, 2003
    Likes Received:
    ain't reading that shit ^^
  16. Damnation

    Damnation OT Supporter

    Jan 26, 2005
    Likes Received:
    South Florida
    watch the videos we posted :o
  17. siniquezu

    siniquezu New Member

    Aug 8, 2003
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    nothing but reposts and essays
  18. siniquezu

    siniquezu New Member

    Aug 8, 2003
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    I saw the stare yesterday :eek3:
  19. Damnation

    Damnation OT Supporter

    Jan 26, 2005
    Likes Received:
    South Florida
    this was gross

    " I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire."
  20. jokka

    jokka OT Supporter

    Apr 29, 2005
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    what did ronnie say to his boxing coach ?

    i'm LIGHTWEIGHTTT baabbyyy !
  21. lif

    lif New Member

    Feb 9, 2005
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    London, Ontario
  22. jessb20hatch

    jessb20hatch Let's bang like Myosin & Actin

    Jun 2, 2003
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    Two prostitutes are walking to their corner to says, "I dunno I just feel like were gonna make damn good money's almost like I can smell dick in the air"...the other prostitute says..."Bitch I just burped!"
  23. siniquezu

    siniquezu New Member

    Aug 8, 2003
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    I chuckled. PM me your request and where you want the shirt sent to.
  24. ChaCha

    ChaCha Well-Known Member

    Feb 2, 2006
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    [FONT=times new roman,helvetica]When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

    "Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

    "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?

  25. kit99bar

    kit99bar USPA Class 2, weak, old man!

    Jul 18, 2001
    Likes Received:
    OMG :wtc: :wtc:

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