SRS Problems with fiancée.

It has been a while since I have been on here given. Probably too long but I've been a little busy between the Army, my civilian job, and my fiancée, and my family, and friends. All in no particular order. Just recently my fiancée left me. Recently as in 4 days ago.
When I asked her why she said she was confused and she explained about what. It was because when I was gone all the time with the army, whether it be basic training way back when, drills, our annual training, extra CBRN training, MCD class, hazmat class etc. one of her friends, we'll call him billy. She started talking to him and I guess simply put I wasn't able to spend as much time with her as I should have been able to but with all that going on, on top of working full time I was stressed and started arguing about just every little thing. That went on for a while until she finally just told me like it had to change. So I did I did my best to make sure I paid more attention, that I listened and didn't argue over every pointless little thing. Sure it was a little hard but I love her so I knew I could do it. The problem was during the time that I was being an ass, she started gaining feelings for him more than just a friend. Especially because during that time all me and her did was fight and have makeup sex.
So long story short she now told me she's confused and she has to decide who she would be happier with. Given in a way I hope she would choose me but at the same time its like, I don't want her to be unhappy and I don't want us to forget the good times we had if things just get worse. I want to be able to talk to her and still remember that. So I guess I'm not necessarily asking for advice except maybe what can I do, should I just give her space or continue reminding her that I do love her still no matter what.
Anyway thats my story.
Thanks for reading
 

7960

Well-Known Member
Oct 17, 2004
60,033
New England
In short, if you give her space she's going to fuck Billy. If you tell her not to see Billy any more, she's going to resent you and she'll fuck Billy. The only options you have are:

A) you have is to spend so much time with her that she can't see Billy, or
B) you have to dump her and tell Billy she's his, and hope he was just in it to screw her so he runs at the thought of having a commitment to her.



Either way, something is in her head, and if you don't get it out, she's going to act on it.
 

djshotglass

New Member
May 4, 2007
3,756
Your relationship with her is never going to work out. You guys are going to break up sooner or later. You might as well make it sooner.

And then you need to work on your issues so that you don't ruin your next relationship.
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
That still isn't enough information to really understand what is going on in your life.

I don't even know what you mean by family, you mean you guys have kids?

If you have kids, staying together for the kids is a great idea because it's not their fault that there parents' are irresponsible or incompatible. You guys brought them into the world. Children with divorced parents are messed up. Higher rates of teen pregnancies, STDs, everything bad in the world. You would have to put the kids first period.

If not, then it seems very unlikely that you two have a future together if she has specifically said this about Billy, and if you love her you will let her go with him because that is real love, to wish to see that person happy.

It's unfortunate but you have a lot on your plate and if she can't deal with that and it makes her unhappy, and if shes talking about other men, there is no way it can continue like that.

Maybe in the future you will stumble upon the one who can accept you for who you have to be, for what you have to do in order to earn your daily bread. Then you can be happy too.

Don't beat yourself up over it. Do not get mad.
 

Tevin

Member
Sep 11, 2010
453
For starters, thank you for your military service! I'm very grateful!

Being a military spouse is not easy and not everyone is cut out for it. It requires a level of sacrifice that is (arguably) greater than that of the soldier.

If she is at all serious about staying with you, then she needs to get herself into the frame of mind that you are giving up a lot to serve your country and it's not all about her, or even you. There are support groups for military spouses/family that can give her an outlet for these misgivings as well as and opportunity for fellowship with others in the same situation.

Going forward with a wedding would be a Mission to Fail. She's already shopping for another guy and you're not even married yet. What is she going to do when you are deployed? Your gal certainly has the right to "decide who she would be happier with" but that does not extend to jerking you around under the guise of being "confused". That is an immature, childish cop out. The best thing for both of you would be to break the engagement and let her un-confuse herself. If life brings you back together, so be it. For now she is not nearly ready to be a wife, much less a military wife.

Good luck...and thank you again for your selfless service. :bowdown:
 
TS
TS
American SuperBeast

American SuperBeast

New Member
Jan 20, 2006
622
Lehigh Valley, Pennsylvania
Yeah, I am thinking you guys are all right. Thats what I have been thinking the past few days. And thank you Tevin.
Just like, what about the ring. I bought a $3,000 ring so do I take it back?
Oh and to be clearer about this, she already left me once for him that lasted about 3 days and she did already have sex with him..
 

Stilgar1973

New Member
Aug 12, 2006
8,340
This is easy.
She is already fucking Billy.
She is trying to make this entire thing about 'You' so she doesn't feel guilty about cheating on you.

Hey I have an idea, marry the bitch. That way when she does this while you are married she can have half your stuff when you come to your senses.

Seriously. Call her up and tell her you are grateful she acted like a slut before the wedding.

Move the fuck on.
 

Stilgar1973

New Member
Aug 12, 2006
8,340
The ring? Take it back. You don't need that baggage sitting around. Oh hell yeah take it back. Use the money for something that you define as a toy. Motorcycle, gun, whatever. Something just for you.

She did you a favor. Most bitches wait till you are married to pull a stunt like this.
 

Acciaio

New Member
Mar 12, 2010
865
Seattle
Yeah, I am thinking you guys are all right. Thats what I have been thinking the past few days. And thank you Tevin.
Just like, what about the ring. I bought a $3,000 ring so do I take it back?
Oh and to be clearer about this, she already left me once for him that lasted about 3 days and she did already have sex with him..

Uh yeah take the ring back... make that asshole buy her another one.
 

MissKitty

If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum'
OT Supporter
Jun 21, 2004
53,372
Dingoland
When your partner either a) neglects you and b) acts like an arse it's very easy to find yourself attracted to other people. However to actually act on it means you lack the dedication and love for your partner :(

If she left, it's better she did it before you got married rather than after you have made a life together.

You should turn TO your partner when there are hard times, not another man
 

Stilgar1973

New Member
Aug 12, 2006
8,340
When your partner either a) neglects you and b) acts like an arse it's very easy to find yourself attracted to other people. However to actually act on it means you lack the dedication and love for your partner :(

If she left, it's better she did it before you got married rather than after you have made a life together.

You should turn TO your partner when there are hard times, not another man

Seee...

for me it is so much simpler.
Look, she was engaged to an Army guy. She probably found it sexy. And that is fine.

But you gotta take the good with the bad.

I wasn't being sarcastic when I said that most people don't get these lessons till they tied the knot. He really should thank her.
 
TS
TS
American SuperBeast

American SuperBeast

New Member
Jan 20, 2006
622
Lehigh Valley, Pennsylvania
Well, I just want to let you guys and gals know that I did what my instinct said I should do. And it happened to agree with all of your advice as well. I told her it was over. I'll still love her to death no matter what, and I will still forever be there forever. So yeah. That was quite possibly one of the hardest thing I've done. I'd rather go through hell week in basic training ten times over than have to do that again. But what's done is done. I can't do anything about it anymore.
 

deusexaethera

OT Supporter
Jan 27, 2005
18,592
If you have kids, staying together for the kids is a great idea because it's not their fault that there parents' are irresponsible or incompatible. You guys brought them into the world. Children with divorced parents are messed up. Higher rates of teen pregnancies, STDs, everything bad in the world. You would have to put the kids first period.
You can't be serious. Staying together for the kids is a terrible idea. If they get along poorly the kids will suffer for it, which believe me is bad enough in itself, but if the kids ever find out their parents were staying together because of them, then they'll feel like they really were the cause of all the problems they experienced growing up. I don't know where you get some of your psychological info from, but you really need to give it a test run using the "how would I feel in their situation?" method. You may have heard of it before; it's also called "empathy".
 

notsousual

New Member
Jan 9, 2006
24,215
WA
Good move TS, I know it was hard, but I really think you made the best decision. :hug:

That still isn't enough information to really understand what is going on in your life.

I don't even know what you mean by family, you mean you guys have kids?

If you have kids, staying together for the kids is a great idea because it's not their fault that there parents' are irresponsible or incompatible. You guys brought them into the world. Children with divorced parents are messed up. Higher rates of teen pregnancies, STDs, everything bad in the world. You would have to put the kids first period.

If not, then it seems very unlikely that you two have a future together if she has specifically said this about Billy, and if you love her you will let her go with him because that is real love, to wish to see that person happy.

It's unfortunate but you have a lot on your plate and if she can't deal with that and it makes her unhappy, and if shes talking about other men, there is no way it can continue like that.

Maybe in the future you will stumble upon the one who can accept you for who you have to be, for what you have to do in order to earn your daily bread. Then you can be happy too.

Don't beat yourself up over it. Do not get mad.


Out of curiosity, did you grow up in a home where parents just stayed together for the kids? Because for a long time my parents did, and I can unequivocally tell you...that is absolutely not the way to handle the situation if you do have children and the relationship goes south. From the sounds of it, the TS doesn't have kids, but for future reference, that is not the answer.
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
Well I agree and I disagree - if the parents are immature and fight like cats and dogs, it would be better to get a divorce.

If they can behave like real parents and actually devote proper attention towards the kids then of course they should stay together. Perhaps over the years they will reestablish the flame that started it all.

You will still disagree, but lets' leave it at that shall we?
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
Well, I just want to let you guys and gals know that I did what my instinct said I should do. And it happened to agree with all of your advice as well. I told her it was over. I'll still love her to death no matter what, and I will still forever be there forever. So yeah. That was quite possibly one of the hardest thing I've done. I'd rather go through hell week in basic training ten times over than have to do that again. But what's done is done. I can't do anything about it anymore.

Good job. I was also cheated on and I didn't want to let go, but the fact that she slept with another man was just wayyyyyyyyy beyond what is acceptable, astonishingly so.

Eye in the sky, my friend.
 

notsousual

New Member
Jan 9, 2006
24,215
WA
Well I agree and I disagree - if the parents are immature and fight like cats and dogs, it would be better to get a divorce.

If they can behave like real parents and actually devote proper attention towards the kids then of course they should stay together. Perhaps over the years they will reestablish the flame that started it all.

You will still disagree, but lets' leave it at that shall we?

Sure, I'd still like to know if you have ever been in the situation though? I'm going to guess no, but maybe you have and just had a very different experience than I did.
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
No I haven't, however I can see much in me that was built on the foundations of having a solid family structure.

My best friend is adopted and he is experiencing great problems in his life, it always goes back to that family based issue.

Many have gotten on well with just one parent, however I doubt their progress would have been comparable to a situation where they would have two parents.

Even having a bad father or mother is better then having just one really great parent, IMO.
 

deusexaethera

OT Supporter
Jan 27, 2005
18,592
Speaking as someone who has one good parent and one mediocre parent, I can tell you I wish I'd just had the one good parent. At least then I could've grown up watching him try repeatedly to find someone to have a healthy relationship with instead of watching him try repeatedly to fix a relationship that had basic ethical differences that would never allow it to function properly.

While your scenario is plausible in theory, I've never heard of two humans who could hide their relationship problems so thoroughly that their kids didn't pick up on it. Even little bits of sniping back and forth will impress themselves upon the minds of children as being normal behavior, and they'll carry that into adulthood without ever knowing why. In that circumstance it's almost better for the problems to be out in the open, so at least the children will know that they don't want to emulate the kind of relationship they saw their parents have.

When you take into consideration that little children will take absolutely everything their parents do for granted and emulate it as being the "correct" behavior for a person to have, it becomes apparent that the only situation in which it's "okay" to let children see bits of dysfunctional behavior is when the children can also observe that behavior being corrected on a day-to-day basis, with positive results. Of course, such a scenario is also referred to as a "healthy relationship".

Better for a child to see a series of unhealthy relationships end because they are unhealthy, than for them to see one unhealthy relationship persist despite being unhealthy. It will take decades for them to unlearn the bad habits they'll pick up along the way if they think an unhealthy relationship is worth emulating. Ask me how I know, or just read some of my own threads sometime.
 

4W4K3

New Member
Dec 31, 2004
5,051
TX
In the long run you will be much happier not questioning in the back of your head, "Does she still have feelings for Billy? Would she be happier with him now and regrets choosing me?" Etc. These kinds of thoughts plagued my last relationship at the end, when I felt like she was choosing "me or him". It hurt a lot to break it off...but it is a huge relief not to be in that situation anymore. I really think you made the right choice.
 

GregFarz78

Active Member
Oct 28, 2002
63,959
Philly, PA
Women need too much attention I dont think I'd ever get married if I was military for fear this shit that happened to the TS would happen :hs:
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
Well deus, sniping back and forth is petty and for small people. Small people wouldn't heed this advice anyways because they are always only thinking of themselves.

I certainly think it is plausible for two mature adults to put aside their differences to raise children, in a legitimate marriage, even if they are having difficulties with one another. Sniping back and forth would have to not be a habitual thing, which is why I say mature. If there are some incidents then I would imagine that the other partner would stomach it without offering a retort.

This seems incredibly plausible to me but must be a very rare thing in todays' society as people are full of self worship and self consideration.

The great ones know how to act, know how to play their role in life even if they despise it. It may come to a great cost to them but at least they maintain their position as a respectable human being who fulfills their duties. It is a great crime to abandon children, or leaving them without a profession, or not giving full dedication to them. Even if one wasn't raised by two great parents, it is their duty to make sure that they try to provide that kind of environment for their kids.

I am glad I had a father even though he was a bit of an arsehole at times and a bit heavy handed. Even if it is was a pretty difficult situation it would have been better then had he not been there at all, leaving me with just my more benign mother. That could have left me too soft, too catered to. Perhaps I would be a soft belly without that strong male figure in my life. I notice many womanly traits in guys who are raised purely around women (I have 3 sisters aswell).
 
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