I had a nightmare last night. I was in a bar with my ex. There was a guy there she was interested in - some guy with more facial hair than me who was a little bit older. My ex started hitting on me and using her charm (she's got fucking huge quantities of that shit, everybody likes her). In my nightmare, I wanted to believe her attention was real, but my honesty made me state the obvious: "Don't flirt with me just to make that guy jealous." I didn't want it to be true but that's what I suspected she was doing in the dream. Then in the nightmare she says, "Sometimes feeling jealous is fun though." In my dream, I hid the fact that I was sad that she was using me to be more attractive to someone else, and, realistically, I said something pathetic like, "It's not fun if you're actually in love." She gave me an exasperated look and got off my lap. I woke up feeling horrible. I am, given free time, celibate and somewhat obsessed with attractive women. Right now I have NO spare time, most of the time, today being exceptional, to do anything except work and chores and stuff that keeps my life together. It's cuz of the workload I'm under right now. Why I have so much work is off the topic. I arrived back at college this semester having just been forced to break up with my beautiful ex-gf who is a couple years my junior. (Forced because she was becoming aloof and basically made me do it for her. Common story.) Since then I have not hooked up with anyone except the mightily convenient fwb I have down the hall, who is not in the least bit satisfying and whom I am just not at all as attracted to as my beautiful ex. I have BIT the bullet and have ignored my personal shit because I just have to work, put my nose to the grindstone, and keep studying. However I have a little free time now and unfortunately that means I can think about things. I am looking good right now physically (at least with clothes on). I went to a party and was hit with some anxiety simply because I haven't socialized publicly for several weeks. I'm someone who needs to be warmed up over some period of time before I can socialize comfortably and thus happily. My father is losing his mind to alcohol (doctor's call it alcohol dementia) despite our best efforts to stop him from drinking; the only two people who really know me outside family are going to be leaving my college in a couple months to live elsewhere, maybe to live far away. I feel like everyone I relied on is slipping away from me REGARDLESS OF WHAT I DO or maybe because of who I am. I miss my ex so much sometimes, you guys know how that feels, if you don't, just think of it as the terrible withdrawal from a superaddictive drug. No time to socialize and attract (not just meet but attract) other women. I'm almost glad I have no time to do anything but work. Right now however I am just incredibly sad.