SRS Seeking some advice on how to help my brother.

the_cannon

The day of reckoning will come. Stay tuned.
OT Supporter
Feb 6, 2005
2,628
Las Vegas, NV
Sup OT,

Long time lurker that needs to reach out for some advice. I feel for everyone on the forum that has gone though life's many challenges. Guess it's my turn for this year.

I have a half-brother that is 10 years younger than me. He's lived with my Mom and Step-Dad this whole time. I moved out and got married when he was still in high school. The kid seemed OK and had a good job after his graduation, but fell into the wrong crowd and got addicted to opiates. Oxy and Heroin as far as I know. My parents have spent the better part of the last 12-15 years trying to get him sober and nothing has worked. It's now to the point that he can't work and keeps getting denied Disability Benefits. So now he does nothing all day and has no income. There's no reasoning with him, everything said to him he takes as an attack and will yell back at you. I have pretty much ceased all communication with him.

Fast forward to June 2020, my Step-Dad died unexpectedly from a heart attack and now it's just my brother and my 72 year old Mom from the Philippines, who was not educated and solely relied on my Dad for everything. We bonded for a few weeks over the loss, but my brother fell back into his old ways of being agitated and angry. He fights with my Mom constantly and it's gotten to the point to where's she staying with my Aunt now to get away from him. She is getting by on her Social Security, but my Dad left her in crippling debt. No will, probate, nothing. He opened dozens of credit cards in her name that she was not aware of. This was all discovered when I went through all their paperwork the following day. I had to empty my savings to bury my Step-Dad and provide some cash to my Mom until she was able to get her higher Social Security payment. I also have to deal with the stack of collection letters for her and send debt forgiveness letters to hopefully avoid bankruptcy.

So now my Mom's house in in forbearance, we're trying to extend it to June 2021. We've stopped paying for the car and will let that get repossessed since it won't transfer into my Mom's name. Her plan is to go home to the Philippines to retire and stay with family there. She offered to take my brother, but he's so whacked out that he doesn't believe that they are losing the house. We got into a big fight about this a couple weeks ago and we ended up getting him arrested and sent to a mental hospital. We hoped he would stay for awhile, but he was released after 3 days. He came back energized and happy. Said he met some people he could relate to and we thought he turned the corner. Nope, one week later, he's back to being, angry, agitated, and irritable. I'm not sure what meds he's on now aside from Addreall, but they are narcotics as well. He's at the point where if he's not on his meds, he sleeps for 18 hours a day. When he is on his meds, he's always agitated and irritable. My Mom has essentially given up and is leaving next year with or without him. As much as I am apathetic towards him now for his past behavior and actions, I still want to provide him some options on where to stay. He's pretty much estranged from our immediate family, and I absolutely refuse to take him in because of the things he's said and done to my wife and our family. Plus we have young children in the house and i don't want them exposed to that.

Does anyone have any experience with this? Are there any permanent housing options for people with drug addiction or mental health issues? He's on Medicaid if that helps. I just want to give him some options before I let the house go into foreclosure or a short sale. Thanks for your time.


TL;DR Drug addicted brother that has no income and is estranged from his family may be homeless by June 2021. Our Mom is leaving everything behind and going to the Philippines. Looking for some options for him.


Update: Sent him an email explaining what's happening with the house and finances since none of us can talk to him and his reply was, "Ok, I'll disappear, leave me alone." Hope he keeps his word.
 
Last edited:

Leonard Washington

Well-Known Member
Aug 15, 2004
45,784
Why are you trying to help someone who can’t be helped? Cut him off, look after your wife and kids. There’s no point putting a strain on your family’s financial well being and physical/ mental well being to help someone who doesn’t think they need it or want it.
 

El Molinon

sup
OT Supporter
Aug 10, 2005
103,416
Sorry to hear, he definitely needs to be in a mental health facility from now on. Otherwise he will eventually end up homeless by the sound of it.
 
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vr6vdub

Formz can't handle his emotions.
OT Supporter
Apr 11, 2009
42,409
nova
Why are you trying to help someone who can’t be helped? Cut him off, look after your wife and kids. There’s no point putting a strain on your family’s financial well being and physical/ mental well being to help someone who doesn’t think they need it or want it.
Yep. Save your mom and cut him off.
 

popnfresh

Cuddle Bitch
Nov 4, 2001
65,448
1/4 life crisis
It’s been 20 years, take care of your mom, get her retired away from him


and that’s it, gotta make the hard decisions or else literally you enjoy being fucked over
 

stevezissou

OT Supporter
Jul 15, 2009
44,108
US
Sounds a lot like my sister. Her and her son live with my mom. Your choices are actually much simpler with no kids involved. Tell your mom to go home if that's what she desires and you all say bye to your brother.
That might sound harsh but there's only so much you can do.
Why are you trying to help someone who can’t be helped? Cut him off, look after your wife and kids. There’s no point putting a strain on your family’s financial well being and physical/ mental well being to help someone who doesn’t think they need it or want it.
Yep. Save your mom and cut him off.
Cut him off so he hits rock bottom it’s honestly the only way. And it is difficult to find treatment programs and places to stay if he doesn’t want to be there, because they cannot keep him without his consent to be there
Also very sorry for your loss and for your mother, family and for you. I’m very empathetic to your situation
It’s been 20 years, take care of your mom, get her retired away from him


and that’s it, gotta make the hard decisions or else literally you enjoy being fucked over
send mom to the phillipines, let shitbag brother live in the gutter
All of this
 
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kitty

Uppity ass cat-changing name from kitty to Karen
OT Supporter
Jul 23, 2004
105,347
Purgatory
:hug: That's a rough spot. Sorry about your dad. Get your mom safe and do NOT let him stay with you. :sad2:


oh and I don't know the LV area, I'm sure they have plenty of homeless/reach-out programs in the area. I KNOW it's hard, but HE has to want to help himself.
 

Babylon

i'm tired, i'm freezing, i'm dumb
Dec 27, 2007
67,546
Here's a hard truth I learned :

Family is just a term.

Your brother has, for the majority of his life, been a burden on you and your entire family, regardless of how many times you all have attempted to save him.

There comes a point where you have to let go.

Trust me when I say that I've been in your exact same situation with multiple family members. They use the term family to suck the life out of everyone around them that cares. They will lie, cheat, beg, steal, borrow and ruin everyone around them if you continue to give in all over the term "family".

This might be harsh as fuck and not what you're looking to hear, but I wish someone had told me this earlier in my life.
 

Libski

Banned
Jun 1, 2018
8,523
It sounds like he needs addiction support first. If he got accommodation now would he be able to keep it?

Maybe some kind of intervention might help? It’s his choice what he wants to do but it’s good that you’re offering him support if he wants it.

What answer were you hoping for?
 

< DEV >

Red Rocket
May 21, 2001
11,109
713
junkies don't change until they hit the bottom

the best thing you can do for your brother is cut him off and let moms move back home where he can't mooch off her

It sounds harsh, but it's how he will change his attitude and make an honest attempt to get sober.
 
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wildflower

OT Supporter
May 17, 2002
135,017
No place for older men
One of my best friends from college had two kids. One was productive and a great worker. the other drifted into black tar heroin and related hi-jinks.
He eventually stole his grandmother's jewelry and wound up back in prison. No one in the family has a lot of faith in him.
 
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TS
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the_cannon

the_cannon

The day of reckoning will come. Stay tuned.
OT Supporter
Feb 6, 2005
2,628
Las Vegas, NV
It sounds like he needs addiction support first. If he got accommodation now would he be able to keep it?

Maybe some kind of intervention might help? It’s his choice what he wants to do but it’s good that you’re offering him support if he wants it.

What answer were you hoping for?


I agree 1000% with everyone in this thread. I was just looking to see if anyone had a similar experience and how they handled it. We are at our wits end with him. I wish we could forcibly remove him from the house, but he has to be charged with an actual crime to be taken in. My Mom is even afraid to go back to the house now because he will just rage at her when she comes back. Shit sucks, I'm well aware of the tough love and kicking him to the curb, I just don't know the best way to handle it. If we get him back in the mental hospital, the system will just spit him right back out. I need to find a permanent solution for him.
 

Colin Robinson

OT Supporter
Aug 12, 2007
47,061
Isn’t like the latest news from the philipinnes drug addicts are auto killed on site? And it doesn’t even have to be true, accusations can get them killed. So it’s either that or you wanna take on debt/responsibility for a pretty much estranged half brother
 

Colin Robinson

OT Supporter
Aug 12, 2007
47,061
Think about it this way, if his own biological mom has given on him after giving him numerous chances (which it sounds like she did) you shouldn’t feel bad about just leaving him be. You’re not being unfilial/or whatever it is youre feeling bad for by not extending a helping hand,
 
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crotch

😑
Oct 12, 2001
192,138
Nashville, TN
@crotch do your thing birdlegs.
i mean seems everyone has said what id say

cut him off, make sure all family and friends realize any help they give him that doesn’t involve driving him to a meeting or picking him up from rehab is literally enabling him and you’re actively encouraging his demise if you operate outside of those boundaries.

that and set your own boundaries and be very clear with him why you’re doing it and you’ll be very accepting of him coming back around once he’s gotten clean
 

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