SRS Shit shit shit

yexy

New Member
Mar 8, 2008
2,086
Saskatchewan, Canada
I am generally a happy person, but every winter I seem to go into a really bad depression that throws me or a loop and leaves me unable to function for a while. Doesn't matter what my life's circumstances are, it comes back. I have successfully avoided it so far this time but I feel it sneaking up on me...I can't sleep at night, or if I do I wake up every couple hours thinking I'm late for work, and I can't shut off my brain. I can't stop thinking. I have morbid thoughts and I just...shut down. My childhood/teenage years were the stuff of nightmares, but my life right now is good...I'm happily married to someone who makes me feel loved, I've got a decent job, I have friends, I get out....

Yet I have nightmares, I'm bogged down by my childhood, and not a day goes by that I don't hash shit over in my head. I can't accept compliments, I always feel that everything I do is wrong, and if someone says it's good I can't bring myself to believe them. My husband tells me he's attracted to me but all I see is fat and all my scars. I don't have any ambition because I don't feel like I'm good enough to be in a better place than I am, job-wise. I spilled some Dr. Pepper the other night and nearly had a meltdown. I feel like I am so fucking broken...I keep trying to be 'fixed', be all better, act like I'm fine.

But I'm not fine. Something small happens and it triggers...whatever this is. The thread in the main forum about "Do your parents have a key to your house?" Something THAT simple sets me off. It brings back every painful memory. My stomach hurts right now.

Fuck.
 

Nite_Lilly

Member
Jul 15, 2009
379
My guess is that something happened in your early childhood and someone made you feel really bad for it, and it shook you to your core. It was probably a parent or someone close to you. If you could go back in your memory to remember the event, the circumstances involved, and talk to a counselor about how to deal with it, you could get rid of your reaction to not being "perfect".
 
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yexy

yexy

New Member
Mar 8, 2008
2,086
Saskatchewan, Canada
I'm going to keep typing, because typing things helps, to a degree. I have memories of when I was very young, and I was happy. Looking back at them now I realize that we were always in bizarre situations; I'm not entirely certain what 'normal' is, but I sure didn't grow up with it. I remember sitting in a fancy Italian restaurant with my mom, and we ordered ice cream. She had Spumoni and I ordered "punilla". I never said Vanilla right. We were laughing and we shared our ice cream with each other. Another day, I was with my mom in the Jeep while we were hauling a horse trailer somewhere. The trailer was empty and the wind was making it difficult to drive. We were pulled off the road and rolled the jeep, though I didn't know what was happening...I just knew that my body was hitting the roof and then I was somehow under the steering wheel. I must have been knocked out because the next thing I remembered was realizing I was alone in the jeep. It was on it's side...I could hear the ambulance but I was alone and I couldn't get out. I cried and screamed until someone found me. Next memory I have is making paper snowflakes, alone in a hotel lobby. One of those fancy hotels where everything looks like it's made of gold. I remember admiring the fountain. I think my mom worked there. I remember living on a small farm out in the middle of nowhere. My mom and step dad were always gone. I spent a lot of nights in the dark living room, staring out the window, waiting. I was terrified to be there alone, yet I always was. I think I was 5. I zoned out a lot and lived in my own little fantasy world, where I was a pirate. I went exploring as far as I dared during the day and stayed out of the house, because if I was in it, I was in trouble for something and usually beaten. One time, my parents fought and my mom told me to get in the back seat of the car; we were leaving. My step dad came out and broke the windshield with a cast-iron frying pan. I was covered in broken glass. They didn't even notice I had gotten into the car, so I cleaned myself up while they fought. Later, we lived near town. We went to a Denny's restaurant with my mom, step dad and step brother (there were three; two brothers and a sister, but they lived with us only sporadically.), they got into an argument. I don't know what it was about, but we went back to the truck and my brother held me down in the back, under the camper shell, so that I couldn't call out for help--to tell someone that my dad was beating my mom. Someone noticed and I got to ride in the front seat of the ambulance with a free cup of Sprite from the Denny's manager. I was abandoned in the waiting room for many hours. I finally started asking about my mom and they took me to her...the room was dark. She had stitches under her eye. We were put in a woman's shelter. There was a girl there my age; in the room we shared. She called her mother a fucking bitch every morning when her mom woke her up. I wasn't allowed to play with her.

I feel really drained right now.
 
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yexy

yexy

New Member
Mar 8, 2008
2,086
Saskatchewan, Canada
My guess is that something happened in your early childhood and someone made you feel really bad for it, and it shook you to your core. It was probably a parent or someone close to you. If you could go back in your memory to remember the event, the circumstances involved, and talk to a counselor about how to deal with it, you could get rid of your reaction to not being "perfect".

Oh, I know what it was. What they were. That was my whole childhood.
 
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yexy

yexy

New Member
Mar 8, 2008
2,086
Saskatchewan, Canada
What could a counseller possibly tell me to make the broken better? I could pay, yes. I could pay for hours of 'But how did that make you FEEL?', but would it make this better...will I always be like this? Will I ever be ok? There is so much just under the surface at any given time...
 

Nite_Lilly

Member
Jul 15, 2009
379
What could a counseller possibly tell me to make the broken better? I could pay, yes. I could pay for hours of 'But how did that make you FEEL?', but would it make this better...will I always be like this? Will I ever be ok? There is so much just under the surface at any given time...
Well, she/he could help you answer the question of [1] did anyone ever make you feel responsible for what was happening in your family?; [2] How is what happened back then influencing your current relationships? You mentioned that you don't believe it when your husband tells you he finds you attractive and you get freeked out when you make a mistake. Both are reactions to triggers that have their origins in your childhood. Knowing the problem is only half of the solution. Figuring out how to make it stop having an effect on your life now is the other half. BTW, not all counselors know how to help with that. I had one who, instead of bridging the gap between my husband and me, widened the gap by polarizing us and our issues even more, and now we're divorced. Give your counselor a time limit of six months. If you don't feel better, find a different one.
 

MPogg

New Member
Dec 27, 2010
199
What could a counseller possibly tell me to make the broken better? I could pay, yes. I could pay for hours of 'But how did that make you FEEL?', but would it make this better...will I always be like this? Will I ever be ok? There is so much just under the surface at any given time...


I am sorry for your horrible childhood and how it affects your life. Honestly you should seek therapy and try not to be so biased about it. You need to have an open mind. A therapist asking how something makes you feel is a valid question.

It can help you to realize your emotions, come to terms with them and to be OK with how you feel. For example I have problems with being angry even when that anger is proper, I feel guilty for everything. That guilt is misplaced and the true emotion (anger) I was not ok with. My doc helped me to undertstand why I always felt guilty for everything when I should have been angry and that it OK for me to be angry.

You need to tell someone everything that bothers you so that they can help you to put it into perspective and that will eventually set you free. Also I can definatly forsee you exploding one day as you are a ticking timb bomb...so either do something now or you may end up in a psych ward one day! Not trying to be mean or funny I am completely serious.

I am Bi-Polar II and an agorpaphobic. I have been dealing with mental health professionals for over 20 years and have been on medication just as long. I know a thing or two about it and from what you have posted it is painfully obvious you need serious therapy and perhaps some meds to get you through the beginning of the process.

If you'd like to talk more pm me, I am here!!

Good Luck.
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
You have to give up thinking about the past and the future. It doesn't exist, you don't actually have either. All you have is this present moment and you need to live it unfiltered.

Depression is a kind of filter that colors everything you look at, period. That is why you can look into your past and it seems like you always had depression, even though you were perfectly happy.

There are several ways to practically tackle this problem.

1. Engage in physical exercise. It is recommended 3-5 times per week, if you aren't doing this then it is obvious you will experience problems like you are now.

2. Take vitamins if your diet is crap. Your diet is probably terrible like most Americans, very few people cook or invest enough energy in the proper organic and great foods they need.

3. Consider investing in one of those SAD lights, they work great especially in conjunction with the aforementioned.

4. As usual, relax and be attentive, aka meditate. And pranayama. No shortage of this kind of advice when we are dealing with these kind of problems.

P.S.

Jesus. We're supposed to hang out with friends tonight. In an hour. I've got to get out of...this. Now.

That has got to go. This will take a while to solve properly, you have to realize that this evil filter that colors your internal sight a murky blue will not dissipate until you understand that it is an illusion, it has no reality to it. It thrives off your energy to survive.
 

djshotglass

New Member
May 4, 2007
3,756
What could a counseller possibly tell me to make the broken better? I could pay, yes. I could pay for hours of 'But how did that make you FEEL?', but would it make this better...will I always be like this? Will I ever be ok? There is so much just under the surface at any given time...

It's not really about what they're telling you, it's about what you're telling them. Did it not feel good to write all of that out?

Think of your memories like balloons you're holding underwater. You can only hold them under for so long and then they surface at inappropriate times.

Perhaps you could use a support group. There are plenty for abuse victims. What happened to you wasn't your fault and there are plenty of people who have gone through the same thing.
 
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djshotglass

New Member
May 4, 2007
3,756
OP please disregard everything this retard said except yes get excercise but that's not the cure, yes eat a good diet but that's not the cure. You won't become magically happy by following these steps.

Being depressed is not evil nor is it an illusion and you know that because your feeling it. This idiot is just an idiot who probably has never been in your shoes and therefore shouldn't advise!

All that name calling just makes you look ignorant.
 
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yexy

yexy

New Member
Mar 8, 2008
2,086
Saskatchewan, Canada
Thanks for all your input. My husband came home from work and held me for a while and I was able to get out of that sinking feeling for the moment. I know I'm not alright, but I'm alright for tonight and I'm too tired to think for once. I'd like to get into counselling, I think, I just worry about how much it's going to cost before I start feeling "better". I will read all of your replies again in the morning. Thank you again.
 

deusexaethera

OT Supporter
Jan 27, 2005
18,592
Go to the store and buy a jar of Vitamin D and a jar of Balanced B Complex. Take one of each, twice a day, until you feel better. Especially the Vitamin D. Without Vitamin D in the winter, I can sleep 12 hours a day and wake up feeling exhausted, and without taking B Complex in the winter, I will get very depressed. I can only imagine being in such a cold place makes winter that much harder to deal with. Just because you're Canadian doesn't mean you're wired to deal with it.
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
Yikes lol

I was just gonna leave it at that ^ but MPogg brought up a useful point, that people always think you need to address the past to move forward. It's not really true but people are convinced that it is.

If you forget about it and stop worrying about it, that works perfectly. It just dissolves.

When we get stuck in this loop of investing energy in reminiscing about the past then that is where depression begins. You start building up this psychological song, you can become like some drunkard in a bar who is always talking about the past and what they could have done. Generally people who talk about their problematic pasts are unpleasant people.

It is best to avoid this trap. Deal with the essentials from the past - debts, medical stuff, etc. Then move on. Life is too short to burden yourself down with that - besides it does not exist. *snap snap* you are here in front of the computer monitor reading this. You aren't there. You can't go back into your past. It doesn't even exist besides some subjective memory - other people remember the past differently, so what is the past anyways? Don't worry - forget it for now :) Some freedom for you. The past will try to pull you back into it and it's a hard struggle, but persist and you will break free from it's miserable grasp.

So avoid these negative feedback loops, consider working with the steps that have been provided. Life is really about living in the moment, being in the moment. It's not some new age crap, it's just practical good advice! Live now.
 
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yexy

yexy

New Member
Mar 8, 2008
2,086
Saskatchewan, Canada
I feel a bit better this morning. Thank you for all of the suggestions; I think I will start with buying the vitamins and yes, trying my best to ignore the past, as the present is pretty good. I will be on the look out for a therapist as well.

Today, I am ok, and I'm going to get my ass off the computer and get some things done, like learning how to use the sewing machine we got for Christmas. The past is past.
 

Stilgar1973

New Member
Aug 12, 2006
8,340
All that name calling just makes you look ignorant.

Not really. If you need a doctor - you fucking need a doctor. If you need to be on meds - you need to be on fucking meds.

Simple enough concept. Then we have people like the Spiritus guy that just give out terrible advice and serve to dilute things.

I have said this a hundered times on this board, excersize and proper diet are all well and all that, but they don't do anything to fix the problems that someone that is clinicaly depressed have.

Clinical depression is a medical condition. It is treated and diagnosed by doctors.

Yet you get these assholes that come on this board and say, 'I go to the gym a dozen times a week, eat protein shakes 5 times a day. I am not depressed. If you are like me you won't be depressed either.'

These people scare me cause I worry that someone that is close to suicide is gonna read something like that and actually believe it.

It doesn't help that that same gym dependent asshole often goes on tirades against 'quaks' and drugs.

If you are depressed enough that you are inclined to open up to a group of stangers on a board you are probably depressed enough to make it worth your while to seek out professional help.
 

MPogg

New Member
Dec 27, 2010
199
Not really. If you need a doctor - you fucking need a doctor. If you need to be on meds - you need to be on fucking meds.

Simple enough concept. Then we have people like the Spiritus guy that just give out terrible advice and serve to dilute things.

I have said this a hundered times on this board, excersize and proper diet are all well and all that, but they don't do anything to fix the problems that someone that is clinicaly depressed have.

Clinical depression is a medical condition. It is treated and diagnosed by doctors.

Yet you get these assholes that come on this board and say, 'I go to the gym a dozen times a week, eat protein shakes 5 times a day. I am not depressed. If you are like me you won't be depressed either.'

These people scare me cause I worry that someone that is close to suicide is gonna read something like that and actually believe it.

It doesn't help that that same gym dependent asshole often goes on tirades against 'quaks' and drugs.

If you are depressed enough that you are inclined to open up to a group of stangers on a board you are probably depressed enough to make it worth your while to seek out professional help.

This. :bigthumb:
 

BrianFantana

Active Member
Jun 9, 2007
3,848
What could a counseller possibly tell me to make the broken better? I could pay, yes. I could pay for hours of 'But how did that make you FEEL?', but would it make this better...will I always be like this? Will I ever be ok? There is so much just under the surface at any given time...

Well the only way to figure it out is to try it. This is the kind of mentality that prevents people who need help from getting it, what is the worst that could happen? You could lose a small amount of money? That sounds like a small price to pay for possibly helping out your emotional state, which according to you is abysmal at this point.
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
lol at these two little hooligans. Calling me an idiot etc. Where do you think you are? Yeesh :big grin:

1/4 of the people in Montreal are on antidepressants. Is it normal for so many people to be on pharmaceuticals? People in the past got on fine without them. Maybe it has something to do with the third largest industry in the world (big pharma).

Science is not behind pharmaceuticals. Period. They don't know how it works.

My advice is practical. It is solid and based on science. Science has proven a solid correlation of how an increase in exercise directly leads to a reduction in depression.

Other very powerful studies have proven exercise has higher efficacy at reducing depression then pharmaceuticals. Someone was talking about a PhD here, well I learned that in university psychology classes... the person teaching it has a PhD... there you go.

At some point people need to stop being a little weakling and have the courage to face their problems.

Yexy is not going to kill herself, you cowards need to stop being so afraid of everything.

Life is hard and she's just looking for some advice on how to deal with it.

She certainly seems to be doing a lot better already.

Yexy, it is quite difficult to get out of the sand pit of the past but keep trying! You are doing great. The key is to keep the ball rolling and don't look back.

Try to take in the best impressions possible but if someone does something negative to you, don't just reject it.

Say, if someone is angry at you, try to look at them as they are, a suffering human being in a somewhat helpless position.

Now don't say this too them - that will infuriate them even more. This is the hardest thing in the world but be patient and sweet with them, and it will calm them down.

Compassion is better then any negative emotion.

If you are feeling down then develop a practical set of tools to get out of such situations. For me, I like to go for a walk, or exercise on my bike. Or maybe I have some quiet time listening to classical music in the dark, just taking in that pleasant stuff. Or take a nice hot bubble bath.

What I don't recommend is shutting down and staying in bed all day, or going around with a cloudy mood or looking at ourselves in a negative way.

There is a lot of work to cultivating a consistently pleasant mood. Yexy I was much worse off then you at one point, and now I am doing very well. My own advice is what helped me. It is just the best hand picked advice I could find.

A lot of work is required, though! :)
 
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deusexaethera

OT Supporter
Jan 27, 2005
18,592
MPogg, your posts reflect a lack of understanding about the difference between psychological problems and psychiatric problems. Not everyone who has trouble "thinking straight" has a congenital deformity that's causing it.
 

MPogg

New Member
Dec 27, 2010
199
MPogg, your posts reflect a lack of understanding about the difference between psychological problems and psychiatric problems. Not everyone who has trouble "thinking straight" has a congenital deformity that's causing it.

Never heard of mental illness being referred to as a "congential deformity" but whatever.

What about my posts exactly reflect this misunderstanding that I have. This girl has issues I say go see a doctor and get help. Get someone to talk to. Some else tells her to go to the gym and have a hot bath..and that makes sense to you.

Futhermore I was just using the Schizo thing as my way of showing how ridiculous that guys sounds to ME. Maybe she's needs a psych doc or maybe she doesn't...only her and a doctor can come to that conclusion. Also I am speaking as somone who can relate to her as I've been there for many many years...I am BP2 & Agoraphobic and a gym membership and a hot bath isn't going to help me.

And explain to me what this difference?
 

deusexaethera

OT Supporter
Jan 27, 2005
18,592
What I'm talking about is your comparing the severity of seasonal depression with the severity of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is a "hardware problem", to use engineer-speak, and can only be treated medically, whereas seasonal depression is a temporary chemical imbalance that lots of people get as a reaction to reduced temperature and sunlight. Just because it's unpleasant doesn't mean her brain is actually malfunctioning. She should do something about it, yes, but pills that affect her brain chemistry in addictive ways are not a good solution to a temporary problem.
 

MPogg

New Member
Dec 27, 2010
199
What I'm talking about is your comparing the severity of seasonal depression with the severity of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is a "hardware problem", to use engineer-speak, and can only be treated medically, whereas seasonal depression is a temporary chemical imbalance that lots of people get as a reaction to reduced temperature and sunlight. Just because it's unpleasant doesn't mean her brain is actually malfunctioning. She should do something about it, yes, but pills that affect her brain chemistry in addictive ways are not a good solution to a temporary problem.

Firstly I already said that I used the Schizo thing as a way of showing how ridiculous that's guy's advise sounded to me. Obviously I understand the difference between sesonal depression and being a schizo.

However if you read the OP's other posts you would see that seasonal depression does not seem to be her only problem.

Secondly where did I tell her that pills were the answer. I believe I said MAYBE she would need something to help her during the beginning stages of therapy. I should have clarified on that post that I wasn't even thinking about anti-depressants or anti-psycotics but rather something along the lines of xanax just to calm her down so she could think I little more clearly to help her therapy.

Thirdly you have failed to answer my question. What is the difference between psychological problems and psychiatric problems? I ask this because your first posted stated that I clearly did not know the difference so why don't you explain it to me.
 

djshotglass

New Member
May 4, 2007
3,756
Not really. If you need a doctor - you fucking need a doctor. If you need to be on meds - you need to be on fucking meds.

Simple enough concept. Then we have people like the Spiritus guy that just give out terrible advice and serve to dilute things.

I have said this a hundered times on this board, excersize and proper diet are all well and all that, but they don't do anything to fix the problems that someone that is clinicaly depressed have.

Clinical depression is a medical condition. It is treated and diagnosed by doctors.

Yet you get these assholes that come on this board and say, 'I go to the gym a dozen times a week, eat protein shakes 5 times a day. I am not depressed. If you are like me you won't be depressed either.'

These people scare me cause I worry that someone that is close to suicide is gonna read something like that and actually believe it.

It doesn't help that that same gym dependent asshole often goes on tirades against 'quaks' and drugs.

I didn't say anything about what spiritus had to say. I was just saying there's no reason to start calling people names. It's fine to disagree with what he said, just do it respectfully.

If you are depressed enough that you are inclined to open up to a group of stangers on a board you are probably depressed enough to make it worth your while to seek out professional help.

What's the point of this forum then? Why not just make a sticky saying "seek professional help" and lock the forum? Not everyone needs or wants or can afford professional help.

Oh please!! He was giving idiotic advice therefore he's an idioit. So :fawk:

Your immaturity is showing.
 
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