LOVE Should I give her another chance, or just move on?

[quamen]

Was with my gf for a little over a year, but we had one huge problem which was our sex life. She wasn't into it, we had it 2 times in one year and she just wasn't comfortable with it, nervous about it, hypochondriac issues about it, to leave it at the short version. We talked about it, but i didn't want to force her to do it and after a year i grew to impatient and walked away from the relationship in a adult manner because we both in our very late 20s. Recently within 2 1/2 months she started going to therapy to talk about issues and her life, and try to become more comfortable with her body and herself.

We still talked a couple time a weeks, but really didn't see each other. Last night we did see each other, and she says she misses me, loves me and wants to be with me. I told her i cannot be in that type of relationship which she understands, but rather hookup with me and have sex and do other things. I just find this so hard to believe! I just cant believe she could go and talk to a therapist once a week and be cured after 8 times of seeing her, to want to hop in bed with me and make things work out.

My main concern is that i don't want to end up with someone who doesn't enjoy intimacy, and maybe she is just being this way because she wants to give me back. She only had one other bf that i know of, and the lack of sex was just the same if not worse over a longer period of time. I am ready to move on, but at the same time i do have feeling for her, but i cannot convince myself, nor can she that she is better and is comfortable with the issue of intimacy.

 

[jdhommert]

Well, if she only wanted to have sex once or twice a year, and went to therapy, something is obviously wrong, she might have been abused or something which could why she wasn't comftarable with doing it at all.

It is possible that she had a breakthrough in therapy and has realized and gotten over whatever her issue is, but even if thats true she will probably have emotional baggage about it, if thats something you want to deal with/think about.


Honestly though, she is probably just trying to get you back. I was in a somewhat similar relationship where the girl just never had any passion/desire for anything sexual at all, ever.She said shed change and especially when i was breaking up with her she kept saying shed be diffrent. However i had talked to her about this numerous times and nothing ever changed.

Basically, if she didn't enjoy sex, or just being intimate or showing passion, that i highly doubt she will just change over night. Probably use talk/sex to maybe get you back but Id bet it will go back to what it was, for whatever reason that is.

Anyway ive been away for almost 24 hours and I am rambling and probably didn't help at all

 

[quamen]

Well, if she only wanted to have sex once or twice a year, and went to therapy, something is obviously wrong, she might have been abused or something which could why she wasn't comftarable with doing it at all.

It is possible that she had a breakthrough in therapy and has realized and gotten over whatever her issue is, but even if thats true she will probably have emotional baggage about it, if thats something you want to deal with/think about.


Honestly though, she is probably just trying to get you back. I was in a somewhat similar relationship where the girl just never had any passion/desire for anything sexual at all, ever.She said shed change and especially when i was breaking up with her she kept saying shed be diffrent. However i had talked to her about this numerous times and nothing ever changed.

Basically, if she didn't enjoy sex, or just being intimate or showing passion, that i highly doubt she will just change over night. Probably use talk/sex to maybe get you back but Id bet it will go back to what it was, for whatever reason that is.

Anyway ive been away for almost 24 hours and I am rambling and probably didn't help at all

this is exactly the same thing that happened to me in our relationship. I brought it up numerous of times, and same old answer she gave me. She never even initiated making out etc, bc she thought it would lead to sex and was nervous about that then. I feel like our relationship was more like a friendship and not much more. She does admit it will take her sometime to get totally better and she is not "broken", but i just feel as you do it is something to just try to get me back. At this age i am ready to find someone to settle down with, and really worry about future problems. Would never want to be in a sexless marriage that would suck.

 

[jdhommert]

this is exactly the same thing that happened to me in our relationship. I brought it up numerous of times, and same old answer she gave me. She never even initiated making out etc, bc she thought it would lead to sex and was nervous about that then. I feel like our relationship was more like a friendship and not much more. She does admit it will take her sometime to get totally better and she is not "broken", but i just feel as you do it is something to just try to get me back. At this age i am ready to find someone to settle down with, and really worry about future problems. Would never want to be in a sexless marriage that would suck.

Situations sound kind of similar except my ex didn't fear/avoid sex, she just never initiated it, had any passion, would try to use sex to get me to visit her (LDR) and when i did if i didn't 100% initiate, she wouldn't do shit. Never got into it at all, kissed me back passionately, seemed to get off/enjoy anything sexual. It wasn't only about sex, it was about feeling loved and having a passionate relationship. So if it was like that now, what would it be like after marriage? I probably wouldn't have gotten anything, and honestly i'm not a huge sex drive guy.

Got back with my frist girlfriend who LOVES sex 100 times more than I do, is extremely loving and passionate and is exactly what i want in that part of the relationship, and it made me so much happier.

I just realized that the ex naturally was like that, no passion/love/sex drive at all. Never would change. Cant really change stuff like that about people imo. As i said i know the new girl is a natural damn nympho, so i wont ever have that problem.


Man, being in the 20's and doing it twice a year is BAD. If this was in main i'd think it was a troll thread. Not sure how you lasted so long bro

 

[quamen]

Guarantee it is not a troll thread. I lasted that long, because i thought things were going to change, but they didn't. I thought since she didn't have much sexual experience in the past, maybe she just was really shy, and it was going to be like relationships when i was much younger. When i was younger, it took girls a few months to be ready to have sex, especially the girls i associated with, the nicer or more relationship type girls i would say. Every 2 months or so, i would bring up with issue and it was the same thing over and over again, i just stopped bringing it up until i couldn't handle it anymore.

I am not the type of guy who needs sex everyday either, but at the same time 2 times in one year was awful. I felt like i couldn't even really love her through an intimate, way because we never got to that often. The second time we had sex was really awesome actually, felt so good being with her and such a great connection, just ashamed even after that it was one issue after another that made her not wanting to have to sex. Never visit the gyno in like 10 years, thought she had aids (long story, again head issues), they found some abnormal cells when she went to the gyno (prevented another month or so of having sex), one issue after another.

I am happy to hear you are with your ex and things are going good. My last ex was the same as your current gf, she wanted sex more than i did, and now realize how good i really had it. Just confused now on which way to turn, but i agree with you. I feel this sexual desire is something that is controlled inside her, and really you have a strong sex drive or you dont period.

 

[jdhommert]

Guarantee it is not a troll thread. I lasted that long, because i thought things were going to change, but they didn't. I thought since she didn't have much sexual experience in the past, maybe she just was really shy, and it was going to be like relationships when i was much younger. When i was younger, it took girls a few months to be ready to have sex, especially the girls i associated with, the nicer or more relationship type girls i would say. Every 2 months or so, i would bring up with issue and it was the same thing over and over again, i just stopped bringing it up until i couldn't handle it anymore.

I am not the type of guy who needs sex everyday either, but at the same time 2 times in one year was awful. I felt like i couldn't even really love her through an intimate, way because we never got to that often. The second time we had sex was really awesome actually, felt so good being with her and such a great connection, just ashamed even after that it was one issue after another that made her not wanting to have to sex. Never visit the gyno in like 10 years, thought she had aids (long story, again head issues), they found some abnormal cells when she went to the gyno (prevented another month or so of having sex), one issue after another.

I am happy to hear you are with your ex and things are going good. My last ex was the same as your current gf, she wanted sex more than i did, and now realize how good i really had it. Just confused now on which way to turn, but i agree with you. I feel this sexual desire is something that is controlled inside her, and really you have a strong sex drive or you dont period.

I hope she at least gave you a handy or something during that time, fuck. If you didn't stray or cheat than GOOD for you.


Sounds like you might already have your mind made up then. Wait and listen to see if anyone else disagrees or offers another opinion.

 

[quamen]

Yeah thanks man for all the replies. Sure we did other things, but i always had to initiate those things, she never did. I didn't cheat because i have been cheated on before, and man does it hurt so i could never do it to someone else. Yes i was losing interest in her, but at the same time i never cheated.

 

[radfad88]

Just wanted to throw out this little story...

I have a friend who was recently with this guy for like 3 years and she told me that they literally only had sex about twice a year. I freaked when I heard that and asked her why??

She gave me this excuse of she just "doesn't really like sex that much, it doesn't do it for her." She said on the off chance that they do it, it's only because he's "pestering" her about it and she just goes through the motions. She said they didn't even make out really bc she didn't want to "lead him on" thinking they were going to have sex. I told her that it sounds to me like they have a friendship, and that she's not truly into him/attracted to him. She SWORE to me that wasn't it and that she loved him, etc.

She eventually wound up cheating on him (made out with two guys, and slept with another guy at a wedding in the span of a month), then after I scolded her over and over she finally broke up with John. Since then she's been having sex with all sorts of people and says she didn't really know what she was missing/she loves it.

So basically the moral here is that she didn't THINK she liked sex, but really she didn't like sex with HIM. Maybe she cares about you (as a friend) but you aren't a good sexual match for her... Maybe that's not true in your case but it's something for others in similar situations to think about... and I think the best action here is to run, run, and never look back!

 

[Tevin]

It's very possible she made a lot of progress in therapy, but that doesn't mean she is ready for a relationship. There is something messed up with a chick who goes from having sex only twice a year and even then only after being nagged, to a NSA hookup slut who is just dying to spread her legs for you.

I think you are 100% correct that she does not truly enjoy intimacy and is willing to put herself through the discomfort of having sex as a tradeoff for the long-term benefit of having you around. If you take her back, she'll sleep with you a few times and then fall back to her old ways.

This babe is messed up and probably will remain so for quite a while. I vote to date others and relegate her to friendzone status.

 

[fray]

How about just don't invest too much and give it a trial run and see if anything is better. Seems like it would be pretty apparent. She didn't hide it from you before. Depends on how into her you still are, I guess.

 

[quamen]

How about just don't invest too much and give it a trial run and see if anything is better. Seems like it would be pretty apparent. She didn't hide it from you before. Depends on how into her you still are, I guess.

I was thinking the same way, because now she is making me feel guilty i am just disconnecting myself from her, but i told her were not together anymore. I believe the trail run is something very hard to figure out, as Tevin put it. I feel at this stage she is willing to do whatever it is for me to stick around, but at the same time i just wonder if she could change, but i believe change doesn't come quick in this situation.

Radfad88 I don't think the problem is that she is not a good sexual match, because she has not really had much sex in the past, how could she know. The handful of times she had sex was when she was so intoxicated she didnt remember to well, or 2 times with her ex bf of 2 years. I really dont feel it is an issue of sexual connection, more a issue thought/feelings of anxiety of sexual intimacy. I know she mentioned before she feels like she is not good at it, doesn't know what to do and alot of anxiety surrounds the issue.

I feel mean for saying it, but i might not want to be wrapped up into this type of relationship when there is sexual issues so early on, i believe they will only get worse as time progresses.

 

[wolfskymoon]

Doesn't find you attractive.

 

[quamen]

Doesn't find you attractive.

possible pretty insane she would stay with me over a year, kinda stupid imo. If i didnt find someone attractive, last thing i would want to do is date them.

 

[Swarol]

Might as well give her a chance - that's the only way to know if she's changed. Even if she's only doing it to keep you around, that on it's own may loosen her up about sex in general. Worst case scenario, you lose some time giving her a chance.

 

[Alease]

Very rarely does a person's behavior/attitude toward sex and sexuality transform. You may be better off remaining friends and seeking an intimate relationship with someone else. This woman may have every intention of satisfying you, but it sounds like her complexes are deep-seeded and therefore difficult to resolve. If you decide to be friends, make it very clear to her that you are not interested in more (otherwise, she may feel mislead down the line).

 

[ForgottenSpiral]

So wait... you broke up with someone and they immediately made efforts to resolve the issue that made you leave in the first place? NOOOO. I don't believe it.

Honestly - and this comes from a place of love for all people - my advice would be to Run. Run and Don't Look Back.

She hasn't changed. What has happened is the pain of not having sex has momentarily become more than the pain of having sex. Once that changes, she'll be right back to where she was. She loves you and misses you and she realizes that her issues are a significan cause in the loss of your relationship. So naturally her reaction is to want to fix those problems. That's all well and good, but as has been said, it does not happen over night. In fact, issues like that take years to get over if a person gets over them at all.

The simple fact of the matter is sexually she is not the kind of person that you need, no matter how badly you both want that to not be the case. Trying to trick yourselves into thinking otherwise will only delay the inevitable.

Move on. Wish her luck. If she continues to work on her issues, good for her, but either way it's not your concern anymore. Sometimes people need the loss of a relationship to push them to grow. Be strong.

 

[Jacy]

possible pretty insane she would stay with me over a year, kinda stupid imo. If i didnt find someone attractive, last thing i would want to do is date them.

but that's assuming women think and behave like you do

 

[Abomb]

hump and dump

 

[radfad88]

Radfad88 I don't think the problem is that she is not a good sexual match, because she has not really had much sex in the past, how could she know. The handful of times she had sex was when she was so intoxicated she didnt remember to well, or 2 times with her ex bf of 2 years. I really dont feel it is an issue of sexual connection, more a issue thought/feelings of anxiety of sexual intimacy. I know she mentioned before she feels like she is not good at it, doesn't know what to do and alot of anxiety surrounds the issue.

I feel mean for saying it, but i might not want to be wrapped up into this type of relationship when there is sexual issues so early on, i believe they will only get worse as time progresses.

This was exactly the case with my friend. She didn't have much sexual experience before her long term boyfriend and was just settled in the fact that she "didn't like it". Eventually though, she met someone that made her feel comfortable and did it to her right evidently because now she loves it, haha.

 

[m45]

Did you talk to her about this, surely you did? What did she say?

Let me just say MAD PROPS. In a relationship i get the shits if there is 2 weeks without sex, for you to put up with that long must take some serious dedication.

Im really surprised you didn't dump her earlier though, surely after the one month period you realise somethings up?

Anyway, im not going to try and think like a female if thats even possible, but from your perspective what do you have to lose? If it goes back to the old ways, the relationship is over. Just make this very clear.

 

[quamen]

Did you talk to her about this, surely you did? What did she say?

Let me just say MAD PROPS. In a relationship i get the shits if there is 2 weeks without sex, for you to put up with that long must take some serious dedication.

Im really surprised you didn't dump her earlier though, surely after the one month period you realise somethings up?

Anyway, im not going to try and think like a female if thats even possible, but from your perspective what do you have to lose? If it goes back to the old ways, the relationship is over. Just make this very clear.

Yes i talked to her actually about this issue every couple months in our relationship and she was worried about sex, didnt go to the gyno bc she was nervous about that for years etc. She goes to therapy once a week, and we talked about the whole situation a few days ago. She wants to get back, i am just so nervous and now scared for myself, bc it was a big let down to me. Just can't get it all through my head how someone after a few weeks of therapy, could be ready to have sex, not to just please me, but to actually enjoy it themselves. I feel like the bad one, because she wants to get back together, but i have so much resentment built up bc i felt like she lied to me the whole time. She never told me until many months into the relationship, her last bf the sexual contact was 2-3 times in 2 1/2 years. I really just feel like this is something it will take years to get over, and scared to get crushed again.

 

[JohnQPoster]

Move on.

You say that it would be insane of her to stay with you for so long if she wasn't in to you. In the last thread (I cannot find it but looked) you made her sound insane. She thought all this crap was wrong with her (she wouldn't let you touch her) and she wouldn't listen to you when you tried to reason with her using common seance.

Now, she wants you back? Right away?


Man; She is crazy, which is probably why you feel bad for her.

How much of your (and her) time do you plan on wasting? Even in a 'trial run?' Whatever the hell that is.

Her being nuts and you feeling resentment towards her while also feeling sorry for her, is no way to restart a successful relationship. You would be doing it as a favor to her and she will not see it that way.

She needs to work on herself and you need some (new) poon. If you get back with her I think that your wasting both of your time and it will cause both sides more hurt.

Don't do it.

Do her a real favor and let her work on herself.

It's like if you have to ask here, the answer is no and you already know that.

I say don't even friendzone, it would just be leading her on when she has shit that she needs to figure out.

 

[quamen]

Move on.

You say that it would be insane of her to stay with you for so long if she wasn't in to you. In the last thread (I cannot find it but looked) you made her sound insane. She thought all this crap was wrong with her (she wouldn't let you touch her) and she wouldn't listen to you when you tried to reason with her using common seance.

Now, she wants you back? Right away?


Man; She is crazy, which is probably why you feel bad for her.

How much of your (and her) time do you plan on wasting? Even in a 'trial run?' Whatever the hell that is.


Her being nuts and you feeling resentment towards her while also feeling sorry for her, is no way to restart a successful relationship. You would be doing it as a favor to her and she will not see it that way.

She needs to work on herself and you need some (new) poon. If you get back with her I think that your wasting both of your time and it will cause both sides more hurt.

Don't do it.

Do her a real favor and let her work on herself.

It's like if you have to ask here, the answer is no and you already know that.

I say don't even friendzone, it would just be leading her on when she has shit that she needs to figure out.

thanks for all the responses, but man this was exactly how i am feeling and believe in my heart is the right thing to do. I wanted to keep her as a friend, but realize how she feels about me, and do believe i will be leading her on and hurting her, even if i tell her just lets be friends a million times over. the hard part is trying to move on, and not talking to her. i do enjoy talking to her, but then i feel like i shouldn't because i know she is not over me and wants to get back together.i also feel guilty for letting her down so hard and not trying to work things out after she went to therapy. I tired to work things out for a year when we were together and really got nowhere. Then i felt guilty because she joined therapy and we broke up soon after, just because i couldn't take it anymore. I keep thinking what road is this going to lead down and would she ever get better, every day these thoughts were going through my head it was driving me crazy.