LOVE Single moms, I'm crushing...any advice? (long read)

[WhiteyFordsBlue]

Sorry, gonna be a long read.

So, I'm really crushing on a girl I used to work with who I reconnected with online and have been communicating with her on occasion off and on for 6 months or so. She graduated school and moved 4 hrs away away for her new job. We'd been talking about me coming to visit and hang out. Well, this weekend I did. Totally spur of the moment thing - I saw she was online and said hi to her, her first words were: "When are you coming to see me!!?!?!?".

So I made a plan for 2 days later to Drove to her place on Friday night. She had a sitter for the kids (2 kids, 7 and 2 yr old boys) and we went to a really nice, upscale restaurant in the city where she lives; we talked and laughed and I was getting all the little signals she was into me (I think??). She was laughing at my jokes and touching my arm when she talked. She held onto my coat as we walked because she "didn't want to slip on the slick floors, and she even took my phone and hacked my fb with a message that said "I am in love with (her name)." Which I thought was funny.

So, after taking an extra 30 minutes to get to the restaurant because my GPS took us to the wrong place, waiting for another 30 minutes to sit, and hr and 15 minutes at dinner, and the drive back, we went back to her house and talked until 2 am until she went to bed. No, I didn't make a move. Her apt is small, kids rooms were just a few feet away, and I was exhausted from the trip and the 20 hr day. And honestly, I was just being a puss. She went to bed, I slept on the couch.

She lives far away, and my plans were to go to her place, go out with her, sleep, then leave in the morning to a buddy's about an hour away from her for the rest of the weekend so we could go to this expo. But, her and I decided to go to breakfast the next morning with the kids. So I got up with her and her kids. Man, I've never felt so comfortable. The oldest and I chatted the night before when i got there as we waited for the babysitter, and then on Saturday we talked and hung out the whole time together. We went to breakfast, and the mall afterwards, and I walked around with her and the kids and it was just a nice, simple time. Me and the oldest went to the lego store while she and the little one shopped in "the girls store" (that's what the oldest called it). I also held the little one for a while as she shopped, and he laughed and had fun with me. Even after I handed him back to her a couple times he kept pointing to me and reaching for me.

So after we go back to her house from eating and shopping, I stayed and talked with her a bit, played one video game with the older son, then had to go. As I walked out she followed me to the door and kissed me before I left. I thanked her oldest son for letting me come over and hang out with the for the weekend. I left and went to my buddies house for Saturday, stayed there, and drove home Sunday morning.

Also, she was going to be in the same city an hr away from her house on Saturday night that I was, visiting a friend from high school. Yes, a dude. They had plans for Saturday before she asked me to come on Friday. So, she said more than once, "Let me know where you are on Saturday and we'll meet up." I said sure, but when Saturday came I didn't text her and tell her where I was. She sent me a fb message telling me where she was, but I didn't respond. I didn't want to be that dude that chases a chick, especially when she is with another dude, and I also wasn't sure if I was being used to make the other dude jealous? Maybe i'm thinking a little too much?



Sunday I really wanted to call her, but didn't want to seem too into her or clingy or whatever. So I got home I just sent a few texts here and there, nothing special. her kid's art was shown in a local art gallery Sunday, so I wanted to see how it went. It's killing me not to know what to think. She told me before I came to see her, "It feels like i've known you my whole life." I mean, we vaguely knew each other from work a few years ago, and just reconnected on FB about 8 months ago.

Yes, she lives far away, but is considering moving back to our hometown so her kids can be closer to their dad, and so she can be with her mom more.


I was raised with a single mom, so I know how the kids feel. I am totally cool with a chick having kids. I wasn't trying to play house, at all.

So my questions to the single moms out there:

1.) Was how I acted with the kids good? Did I maybe go a little too far and act a little too comfortable?

2.) Were those really signals she was sending me?

3.) What things do single moms look for in a guy?

4.) Friday night sounded like a good time, but not sure if I played my cards right?

5.) Any advice at all??

6.) Is she into me??

Thanks.

 

[GTP]

1. Yes. No.
2. Yes.
3. A daddy for the kids.
4. Playing games is stupid.
5. If you want to be a daddy for someone else's kids go for it. I am not cut out for that shit.
6. Yes.

 

[WhiteyFordsBlue]

1. Yes. No.
2. Yes.
3. A daddy for the kids.
4. Playing games is stupid.
5. If you want to be a daddy for someone else's kids go for it. I am not cut out for that shit.
6. Yes.

Thanks for the answers man. Self-doubt can be a killer.

 

[iwishyouwerebeer]

1.) Was how I acted with the kids good? Did I maybe go a little too far and act a little too comfortable? Not at all, sounds like you did great and they responded very well to you

2.) Were those really signals she was sending me? Umm, duh. only thing she was missing was a sign that said "I LIKE YOU!"

3.) What things do single moms look for in a guy? A guy who likes her kids, gets along with her kids, and that the kids like and feel comfortable with

4.) Friday night sounded like a good time, but not sure if I played my cards right? Honestly sounds to me like you handled it amazingly. It was the rest of the weekend that you were dumb on

5.) Any advice at all?? Stop over-thinking & playing games. A single mom is very different from a girl without kids. If you want to talk to her talk to her. If you want to tell her how you feel tell her how you feel. She's into you and the fact that you got along great with her kids is practically an aphrodisiac in itself

6.) Is she into me?? Yes

 

[WhiteyFordsBlue]

1.) Was how I acted with the kids good? Did I maybe go a little too far and act a little too comfortable? Not at all, sounds like you did great and they responded very well to you

2.) Were those really signals she was sending me? Umm, duh. only thing she was missing was a sign that said "I LIKE YOU!"

3.) What things do single moms look for in a guy? A guy who likes her kids, gets along with her kids, and that the kids like and feel comfortable with

4.) Friday night sounded like a good time, but not sure if I played my cards right? Honestly sounds to me like you handled it amazingly. It was the rest of the weekend that you were dumb on

5.) Any advice at all?? Stop over-thinking & playing games. A single mom is very different from a girl without kids. If you want to talk to her talk to her. If you want to tell her how you feel tell her how you feel. She's into you and the fact that you got along great with her kids is practically an aphrodisiac in itself

6.) Is she into me?? Yes

Ouch! Where the heck were you on Fri and Sat night??


And What was I "dumb on" with the rest of the weekend????



And I deserved the slap in the forehead. I think too damn much!

 

[C.W.]

IMO you were being dumb on saturday. Im not really into all the silly mind games people like playing but if thats your thing then good luck.

 

[WhiteyFordsBlue]

IMO you were being dumb on saturday. Im not really into all the silly mind games people like playing but if thats your thing then good luck.

Didn't wanna play mind games at all. But at the same time, she was out with another dude. What should I have done?

 

[Decease]

Ouch! Where the heck were you on Fri and Sat night??


And What was I "dumb on" with the rest of the weekend????



And I deserved the slap in the forehead. I think too damn much!

I'm with beer on this one, you should have reached out to her then and/or replied to her. Don't see a reason to make the "other guy" jealous was even a factor since you said already was a HS friend. Second guess yourself and played the little mind game when not needed. Other than that, everything else was good.

 

[Decease]

Didn't wanna play mind games at all. But at the same time, she was out with another dude. What should I have done?

Call her or reply to her? Be confident and talk to her even if she is out with another male friend, shows that you're not insecure or the jealous type. Which can play a big role since she has kids and has to interact with their father. Shows that you can accept that and not be worried about her interactions with another man.

 

[iwishyouwerebeer]

Ouch! Where the heck were you on Fri and Sat night??

And What was I "dumb on" with the rest of the weekend????

And I deserved the slap in the forehead. I think too damn much!

Didn't wanna play mind games at all. But at the same time, she was out with another dude. What should I have done?

She had plans with the guy, and for all you know it's her longtime guy friend who she keeps around to vent to. The fact that she tried to get ahold of you Saturday is a huge sign of her interest. Even if she did have a previous "date" with this guy it was planned before your arrival and she was trying to get ahold of you while out with him

You are in no way out of the game, you just have to follow the previous advice and go with how you feel. It's very doubtful this single mother of two whose kids loved you is wanting to play games of any kind.

 

[WhiteyFordsBlue]

She had plans with the guy, and for all you know it's her longtime guy friend who she keeps around to vent to. The fact that she tried to get ahold of you Saturday is a huge sign of her interest. Even if she did have a previous "date" with this guy it was planned before your arrival and she was trying to get ahold of you while out with him

You are in no way out of the game, you just have to follow the previous advice and go with how you feel. It's very doubtful this single mother of two whose kids loved you is wanting to play games of any kind.

Fair enough. This is the kind of stuff I need to hear. Thank you, seriously.

She didn't text me on Saturday night, just sent a facebook message, but she was probably waiting for me to text her since I agreed to. Now I see your point. I was just afraid to seem too interested which has absolutely killed me in the past. I mean, I am into this girl.


I dunno, I guess I was just afraid of something going wrong with another guy involved. Know what I mean?

 

[C.W.]

Didn't wanna play mind games at all. But at the same time, she was out with another dude. What should I have done?

Umm, call her or let her know if your plans LIKE YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO. She even took the extra step to msg you on FB to let you know and you still didnt respond. How do you know she wasnt a 3rd wheel when she went out with her friend and was wanting you to go?

 

[WhiteyFordsBlue]

Call her or reply to her? Be confident and talk to her even if she is out with another male friend, shows that you're not insecure or the jealous type. Which can play a big role since she has kids and has to interact with their father. Shows that you can accept that and not be worried about her interactions with another man.

Damn i'm an idiot. I was afraid of being friend-zoned I guess. You know, like: Hey, meet my friend WhiteyFord, this is my date DB.

I'm with beer on this one, you should have reached out to her then and/or replied to her. Don't see a reason to make the "other guy" jealous was even a factor since you said already was a HS friend. Second guess yourself and played the little mind game when not needed. Other than that, everything else was good.

Ok, well I guess I effed up there. Wish I had heard this before.


Sat night sucked balls, too! Ended up home by midnight sleeping on the dang floor.

 

[WhiteyFordsBlue]

Umm, call her or let her know if your plans LIKE YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO. She even took the extra step to msg you on FB to let you know and you still didnt respond. How do you know she wasnt a 3rd wheel when she went out with her friend and was wanting you to go?

You're right. I said I was going to and didn't. I just felt stupid really. I didn't want to be the 3rd wheel and end up going there and see some worst case scenario of them making out in front of me or me seeing her all over him or something. I'm an idiot.



I'm about 99.9% positive it was just her and him. Not for sure though.



And I guess that's why I'm here talking to you guys. I don't get this honest stuff much, so it's refreshing to hear.

 

[iwishyouwerebeer]

Don't beat yourself up Take the advice and use it from now on

 

[WhiteyFordsBlue]

Don't beat yourself up Take the advice and use it from now on

I 100% will.


So, my next question:

Is it too soon to say something like, "I had a great time this weekend. I'd like to start seeing you more."

 

[iwishyouwerebeer]

I 100% will.


So, my next question:

Is it too soon to say something like, "I had a great time this weekend. I'd like to start seeing you more."

No way. If anything you're too late tell her that by tonight for sure

 

[WhiteyFordsBlue]

No way. If anything you're too late tell her that by tonight for sure

Too late? 2 days?

 

[iwishyouwerebeer]

Too late? 2 days?

Well technically you haven't seen her since Saturday but seriously, don't wait another night

 

[WhiteyFordsBlue]

Well technically you haven't seen her since Saturday but seriously, don't wait another night

Doing it tonight. No way i'm waiting anymore.

 

[Abomb]

so let me get this straight:

this girl you used to like a lot had no interest in you in the past

fast forward now, shes a single mom with 2 kids and now shes suddenly super interested in you?

 

[WhiteyFordsBlue]

so let me get this straight:

this girl you used to like a lot had no interest in you in the past

fast forward now, shes a single mom with 2 kids and now shes suddenly super interested in you?

No man, not sure where you got that. Never dated or liked each other before, just worked together.

She had her oldest kid when we worked together anyway.

 

[Decease]

so let me get this straight:

this girl you used to like a lot had no interest in you in the past

fast forward now, shes a single mom with 2 kids and now shes suddenly super interested in you?

Abomb, you and your blown up scenario

 

[Aquakittie]

Single mother crew signing in:
1.) Was how I acted with the kids good? Did I maybe go a little too far and act a little too comfortable?
Yeah, you kinda have to be a buddy and warm to littler kids especially if they take to you. Problem is warming up too fast when you haven't decided if you're actually gonna start dating each other seriously can cause confusion for kids. They get attached easily. And yes, that might have been a little too much too soon, but you're put into a situation where it kinda couldn't have been avoided while still maintaining who you are. You sound like a kindhearted kid-friendly guy in this context, so if that's who you are, don't be anything but. but don't get too cozy too soon either.

2.) Were those really signals she was sending me?
the single mother isn't some anomaly in which we play by different female rules. We are attracted to people just like any other woman. She's giving you normal hints, clues non-verbal cues that she's interested. She probably wouldn't have invited you over with a over night stay if she wasn't that into you. Bringing a person into your home where you have small kids is nothing to take too lightly in that context.

3.) What things do single moms look for in a guy?
This seriously is case by case and depends entirely on a multitude of factors and what kind of women she is, age, financial status, marital status, presence (or not) of the non-custodial parent, her degree of independence (or not), her level of social outlets, her support system (family friends etc) and the age of her kids. For me, I wasn't looking for a daddy, my kid has one albeit a dirt-bag who turned into a heroine addict, but she's got one. In terms of my kid, I was looking for someone who can accept my limitations and be willing to spend time with me in my frame w/o weirding out and who was good around kids. I didn't want to be with someone who hated kids or who never wanted a family of their own.

Someone more mature and in a more settle down mode....but that doesn't necessarily mean ready to marry tomorrow though. But the partier guy who's gotta go out all the time and be doing all these activities away from home is probably not going to mesh well with a single mom. Its not as easy for her to get away and be spontaneous. But also someone who's not looking just to have a casual fuck buddy situation either. Single mom's often don't have time for all that that entails. Either you're in or you're out, none of this fence straddling thing. Some DO go out looking for daddy substitutes, but not all, and I wouldn't say the consensus of single moms look for that either. We want to be loved like anyone else, and we want to be a woman who is desirable and wanted by someone we find attractive. We want a partner, but a partner that fits our special family needs. And often that includes patience, and lots of it.

I can expand more on this if you want.

4.) Friday night sounded like a good time, but not sure if I played my cards right?
One thing I can't stress enough, get off the game playing. If you wanna call her, then call her, knock it off with all these bullshit child games of "did I wait enough time before getting back so I don't look clingy?". That's kiddie stuff. We don't have time for that, we've got kids of our own, we don't want to be dating one. And try not to play the hot/cold game. Single moms want stability not some guy in their life who's super into them one moment then backing off with the quickness the next. Go slow and think through your decisions beforehand or peace out. She's got way more at stake then just her feelings.

the fact that she kept trying to get a hold of you and you ignored the calls/texts for a bit just seems like more game playing. If you didn't wanna go, just say you're not feeling up to going out, or perhaps try to make alternate arrangements to meet up solo later. you have no idea why she had her male friend with her, but if you always start with the most negative answer first you set you and potential partners up for failure before you've even started. Maybe this was like a childhood friend of the family and she wanted to get his opinion of you because she's really into you and wants to feel confident about proceeding to date you. Who knows. But I wouldn't jump to conclusions or game playing next time.

5.) Any advice at all?? See above...and if you're into her, take it SLOW, don't pour on the best buddy routine too fast and furious, because then you'll set a presidence. I'd keep it pretty light until you find out whether or not she's coming back to your local area. Its hard enough being a single mom, but tacking on the possibility of being in a LDR to boot really makes the success of a relationship hard to achieve.

If she DOES come back to town, decide if you really want to date her. If that means getting to know her a bit more, then so be it, but take the dating thing slower. Don't make a habit of spending the night too much if you haven't decided to date LTR. It just causes more complications in the long run and establishes a series of in and out guys in her children's lives, and that sucks.

And be prepared to be more of a homebody. If that's not who you are or your dating style then perhaps dating a single mom isn't for you. Sure, you'll go have outside dates, but don't bank on that being the routine. She's got little kids and will need to be closer to home than the average woman.

6.) Is she into me??
sounds like it to me, but it also sounds like you're not playing your cards entirely right or maturely. Get your head back on right, and stop the games, and just get to know her, you won't know for sure if she's even the right one for you until you've had a bit of time to get reacquainted again.

Be considerate of her motherly needs and duties, be friendly and not overly touchy-feely-lovey to her kids, and just keep it simple and light.

 

[Aquakittie]

I 100% will.


So, my next question:

Is it too soon to say something like, "I had a great time this weekend. I'd like to start seeing you more."

Too late? 2 days?

See, you're doing it again. These too soon/too late comments. If you wanna call her, call her. Unless you're stalking someone with incessant calls/texts day and night, I don't think there's such a thing as too soon. If she's got interest in you, whenever you decide to get a hold of her is good for her.

And if you had a great time and would like to see her again, then say so.