I'd just like to warn you in advance, this is going to be really long and I don't really expect anyone to read this but I need to say it anyway. I wrote this late at night after no sleep so the punctuation I'm sure is terrible but whatever. I guess I might as well start from the beginning which is the perfect storybook life that I started with. The big house, loving family 2 parents, 3 kids, the happy dog. Big Christmas trees, thanksgiving with family and friends, country club visits, everything anyone could possibly dream of. Then, my dad got cancer. For 7 years we poured millions of dollars into his cancer treatment for him to finally croak when I was ten. I had lost my role model in life. My sisters and mother were also devastated but I was hit especially hard because we were best friends and he was my dad. My mom's family which was always pretty shitty remained so so that wasn't much of an issue but his family turned on us and bailed so fast I didn't know what happened. I still remember the day when they found out he died they called us late at night and were talking to the three of us (myself and my sisters) on the phone, blaming us for his death. Forcing him to work to support our lavish lifestyle and what not. I always sort of knew they weren't the nicest people so while I was shocked, I wasn't that shocked. The part that shocked and hurt me the most up until that point was at his memorial and the following events. I delivered the Eulogy at his memorial. At the ripe old age of ten I stood in front of hundreds of people and tried to choke back the tears as I talked about how great a man my father was. I managed to get through my whole speech without crying and everyone there was in tears. After my speech every one of his good friends came up to me and pretty much one after the other all said they'd be there for me, to try and fill his shoes. Every boy needs a father, and I needed one then. This, however, was nothing but talk. The invites to the big thanksgivings stopped. All of a sudden, they were to busy to take me to play golf or tennis or go to the country club with me. One by one, all of his friends who had swore to my face at his memorial that they'd be there for me disappeared. That didn't help with my abandonment issues at all. My mom, who is a genius that borders on insanity began to cross that line without the counter that was my father. She began getting hardcore into her drugs and losing her grip on reality slowly year after year. By the time I was in the 8th grade, she was basically useless. She never bothered to see when I came home, whether I did my homework, what my grades were, the only thing she worried about was that if I wanted to try drugs, to try them with her first. I guess it was sort of cool, the fact that I could do anything I wanted, but I really needed a parent. I managed to do really well in school, during junior high school, top of my class, varsity in sports year round (Cross Country, Basketball, Track and Swimming) and participated in school musicals. Despite my being tall, athletic, intelligent and handsome, I couldn't manage to get a girlfriend. This, I assume, was because I was too afraid of abandonment. I asked quite a few girls out but I did it so awkwardly I almost threw up. At the end of junior high school I developed gynecomastia (breasts in males) which happens to a lot of guys but goes away in a number of months since its based on fluctuating hormone levels; mine didn't. The small bit of confidence that I had had before was completely gone. When high school rolled around I stopped doing all sports and quit participating in musicals because I was so embarassed with the way I looked, but at least I would be tall, my father was 6'6", and I had been tall my whole life. Normally, that problem could be easily remedied with surgery but because I have moderate- severe hemophilia, no doctors would agree to doing the procedure as it would possibly kill me so this is a problem that plagues me 5 years later. I still maintained decent grades and I got into one of the best high schools in the nation. Obviously, without any self confidence whatsoever the girlfriend thing didn't change at all and I still have yet to have a girlfriend and I'm now 19. Unfortunately, to add to my unhappiness, I never grew. I'm 11 inches taller than I was when I was 8 years old. I used to joke that I'm the tallest person with a napoleonic complex at 5'11". Everyone always told me that I was going to be as tall as my father but I'm only as tall as my older sister. I had a few "friends" in high school, more buddies than friends, but we'd hang out in school and one of them I'd hang out with outside of school sometimes, but we'd never go back to my house because I was embarassed of my mom and her bullshit. Anyway, fast forward to last year, senior year of high school, college applications. Everyone from every college was always stressing the overcoming obstacles and challenging adversity bit so I talked about a number of the difficulties I had overcome. I knew I didn't have the best grades in the world but I did pretty well on my SAT's and I hoped my character points would more than make up for my A- average. It didn't. I applied to a bunch of schools and the only one which I got into was Boston University. When 50% of your student class is going to an ivy, and you see people around you with lower averages getting into your first pick, ED school (MIT in my case) you get a little disappointed. I accepted the fact that I didn't get in anywhere and I just planned to transfer after freshman year to somewhere I wanted to go. So I go to orientation and get everything prepared and I'm all ready to go and its mid august and I hear from the school that they hadn't received the first bit of my tuition. I asked my mom and she told me that she wasn't paying it. I hadn't gotten into an Top tier school/Ivy so she didn't feel obligated to pay for it. I wasn't sure what to do and talked to a bunch of people and they told me to just defer for a year and so I did. Fast forward to the middle of February, my 19th birthday. I learn that because my mom hasn't paid rent in a few months she's getting evicted and she's moving in with my older sister, with whom I don't get along, and that I better find a place to go because I couldn't stay with her. So I have 2 weeks to pack up all my shit and find a place to live. All the money I had saved I spent on moving and paying my first months rent + security (I live in NYC and month to month rent is retarded). Unfortunately, without a college degree, and not really having any generic job experience, its been pretty much impossible for me to find a job. I play poker well enough but it doesn't really cut it for me. I'm sitting here, in my room, by myself completely alone in the world at 19 feeling like my luck just can't get any worse but it doesn't really get better. I hate the fact that I feel like this but I don't know what to do. Every day that goes by killing myself just seems like a better and better option. If I could, I'd just change my phone number, take my clothes and computer and just fucking leave for some far off place and start over. I don't really think I can afford to do that now. Every time I feel like I'm on the verge of something good happening, it all goes to shit. I've tried to do that help yourself stuff but It just doesn't work out after so many tries and I just give up. It was like that with getting a girlfriend. After 35 or so rejections without so much as a yes, I just stopped trying. Anyway, I don't really expect any responses I just wanted to get this off my chest since I'm very closed off. Thats part of the problem for me with making friends. Either they complain that they don't know anything about me and I'm too cryptic or I tell them about myself and they run the other way. Thanks.