Hey, OT. I rarely ever come around here, but I know this forum is notorious for good people who actually care about what other people are feeling. Here's my situation: I'm a computer engineering student. I'm a fairly attractive guy, I'm funny, I have great friends, and I smoke pot. There's a girl who is in a lot of my classes that has a boyfriend, but I think he treats her like shit and tries to control her life. She and I have a LOT of stuff in common, even the pot thing. She used to complain about him all the time, and she and I used to hang out a lot. We even kissed, and fooled around a little bit. She has said on many occasions that she likes me, and finds me attractive, but when her bf found out about me, he told her she wasn't allowed to talk to me. So she never responded to my texts, calls, IM's, anything. Eventually she started talking to me again through GMail, because her bf didn't monitor that. She told me that she still had feelings for me, but wasn't ready to break up with her bf for me. She said even if she did date me, she feels like it would be inevitable that she would cheat on me. I didn't understand that. I don't think I ever can. The problem is, I really really like her, and I think about her more than I think about any other girl. I think she deserves better than what she's getting, but she doesn't see any reason to break up with him. Her bf does things that make her life difficult, like he took her luggage and gave it to some random people without asking her. He looks down on her when she smokes. He's a crazy conspiracy theorist, along with many other things. I tell her my feelings, and she never really says anything except that she doesn't know what to say. She sometimes just changes the subject. I'm really confused. Does she like me? Why won't she just tell me the truth? Help me, I'm so confused.
The woman cheats on her bf by kissing and spending time with you, even if you were in a relationship with her it means that she isn't loyal. You want to be with a person who isn't loyal in a relationship? and she keeps you on her fishing line as a rebound guy,(in other words she's just using you) you blindly in love accept all of this garbage while you 'KNOW' that she isn't willing to break up with him over you. Meaning in other words that 'if' her relationship with her bf ever goes wrong, she would goto you,but later on she would make up with her ex and leave you. We've seen that kind of stuff happen over and over again. the comment "We have a lot in common we both use drugs" is just plain wrong, well of course you don't mean to say it in such a way but think about it, why would she stay with him instead of you? Because she's too immature to distinguish an asshole for a truelly cool guy, she likes jerks who abuse her then make her pregnant, then she falls back on a nice guy who is kind enough to wipe her tears. You are so in love with her that your only willing to see her nice things. Worse she says it herself 'she feels like it would be inevitable that she would cheat on me" , Which is why i say she is a bitch, and your idiotic enough to love her instead of walking away , which you should, instead of allowing her to make abuse of you. Of course you don't understand it, you are bee that's in love with a flesh eating plant. What you want in life isn't always what is good for you,stay realistic you always need to make a choice to do that what is good for you first. Even tho you have a lot in common you're better off without her. Just say, i will be available to you when you broke up with your bf, if she doesn't budge, then say bye bye.
Thanks for the response. It's one of those things where it will be hard to walk away and tell her to either shit or get off the toilet. She and I have a lot of classes together, and I know that if I break off ties now, things will be really awkward in the coming years, and I hate losing friends. Something tells me if she ever decides to be with me, I can make her change. I think the reason she thinks she would cheat on me is because she hasn't ever really loved any of her bf's, and if she fell in love with me, it would give her less of a reason to cheat. Unfortunately, when she told me she would eventually cheat on me, she said that no matter how she feels about someone, things turn to routine, and she gets bored with her partner. I'm so confused, because I can't stop thinking about this girl. I know it sounds like blind love, but I see something in her that she doesn't see in herself. I've never really felt this way about anyone. She and I were both able to spill each others guts to one another, and I felt like we had something special, because she never reveals anything like that to anyone. I just want her to give it a chance and see what happens. Maybe I'm hopeless, but it's one of those feelings and thoughts that I simply can't shake. Of course, let's be clear about a couple things. I don't just like her because she smokes like I do. And I'm also not confining myself to her. I'm single, and I'm still keeping my options open. I just want her to give things a chance and see how they work out. I obviously don't want to get hurt, but I'm willing to take that risk. Maybe I'm just delusional. Why can't I let this go?
So many red flags in this post. One.... you're entering the relationship with the mindset that you're going to need to change something about her. You think that you can just come into her life and be her guiding light and make her a better person. But, that is an awful way to approach things. She will not end up changing and she'll do the exact same shit she did before, ESPECIALLY if you proactively are trying to change her (which her boyfriend is doing right now with his incessant control). Clearly this approach only leads to more of the same. Two.... you say you two are engagaed in "spilling your guts" to one another. I'll assume this means you talk a lot about personal and emotional issues. Well, you've already told us that when you talk about your problems, a lot of the times she changes the subject or flat out ignores them completely. What happened to "I tell her my feelings, and she never really says anything"? It feels like you're just conjuring up this perfect image of her in your head that's not true. Three.... it's quite obvious that you are her backup plan. You are the other guy. You're that guy that she uses to temporarily fill her void, to entertain her after she gets bored. She's using you. She doesn't care about your emotional shit. She doesn't want a relationship with you. She wants to fool aorund and smoke with you when she gets bored with her jackass, controlling boyfriend.
You guys all have great points. I will stop pursuing her. She's still a nice girl, but not one I will ever be with. She and I have classes together, so I'd probably like to still be on good terms with her. She even told me she would break my heart if I got too involved. Damn.... how many of you guys have ever been told that? It's kind of a sinking feeling, knowing that the only person who seemed like she cared truly wouldn't care about me. I appreciate your all's help. I knew this was the right place to come to talk about this. Thanks guys/gals.
She'll never leave her bf, and if she does, she'll just go back to him after a short time anyways. Some young immature women don't feel that they deserve to be treated well. I had a hot girl tell me this once, and she too had a bf that treated her like crap and a guy friend that treated her well. And guess which guy she chose? That's right she fucked over the nice guy and went right back to the jerk bf. She's hanging out with you because she is getting things from you that she doesn't get from her bf. One of the reasons though that she wont leave the bf is because he makes her feel a wide range of emotions. This is why nice guys fail so much with women. Nice guys don't elicit all the emotions a woman has. If you can make a woman feel a wide range of emotions she'll love you forever. Bad and good emotions. Same reason why women in abusive relationships find it hard to leave or go back to the guy if they have left. Guys that abuse their women act out thier own emotions which draw out the womans emotions. This is usually hard for engineers to understand. Engineers are typically logical people, and they don't act out their emotions because that would be illogical. In my opinion, I would enjoy what time you do spend with this girl, but I wouldn't get your hopes up high thinking something more will come of it. You most likely would be setting yourself up to crash and burn if you invest too much of your heart into this relationship.
You have a good point. I never really act on emotions, and I don't try to fuck with women's heads. I always make it about them, and try to treat them as I would treat a friend, along with spitting some game every now and then I don't think I can ever understand the way she thinks, and I probably shouldn't try. All I want is for the girl I'm going after to be happy with me, and care for me. Hopefully there are plenty more fish in the sea...