LOVE so I am an idiot who got himself into a LDR

TheMarchHare

OT Supporter
Against all my better judgement i got into a LDR. I know that chances are slim, and i'm generally against them, but in this case, i would've rather had this girl for awhile than not at all.

this is my first actual LDR (had ONE other, she was SD, i was LA. 2 hours drive, but manageable)

back story: we met up while i was on internship in TX(i'm from cali). we went out TWICE. had an incredible time both times. that was a month and a half ago. we've talk on the phone daily. I just recently asked her to be in a relationship.
So, i've heard most of the reasons why LDRs don't work, but IF i were to try and make this thing work, how would i do that?

things working in my favor: I may end up going to school in TX (not for her, obviously, but being closer WOULD help things on that side as well)

things against me:
over 9,000


cliffs: how can a LDR WORK?


i'll stick around a bit to field any questions to better inform your advice. thanks, OT
 

djshotglass

New Member
May 4, 2007
3,756
TBH I'm not sure it can work for very long. I need physical contact in a relationship and I don't like talking on the phone. An LDR is just something I couldn't do. I definitely wouldn't mind being friends with her though.

But hey you won't know until you try it.
 
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TheMarchHare

TheMarchHare

OT Supporter
If it doesn't work, at least you can say you tried.

TBH I'm not sure it can work for very long. I need physical contact in a relationship and I don't like talking on the phone. An LDR is just something I couldn't do. I definitely wouldn't mind being friends with her though.

But hey you won't know until you try it.

only thing that i have going for me really. i'm usually with you djshotglass. physical contact is normally a must.

it's been interesting actually building intimacy without physical intamacy though, i'm learning SOME things from this.

i'm pretty emotionally inept, so not being able to interrupt uncomfortable conversations with sex or whatever is forcing me to become emotionally bare from time to time. feelsgoodman.
 

infinite.purple

Active Member
Oct 26, 2007
14,892
Bothell, WA
this might sound weird, but i honestly think you might have a better shot since you are pretty much starting out as long distance. i think it's harder to go from seeing someone every day to only once a month because in that scenario you built the relationship around that time spent together and losing it sort of pulls the rug out from under you.

you had only two dates before you moved, so it's not like you have a big time void to fill.

as long as you communicate effectively and manage both of your expectations, you have a fighting chance. good luck! :)
 

Reign

No
Nov 17, 2003
35,747
CO
Unless you or she is planning on moving closer to the other, I'd just break it off right now bro. I've been in 2 or 3 LDR and they all end the same. You just don't see each other enough and grow apart and then end up wanting to date other people.
 

Aquakittie

Active Member
Feb 5, 2007
3,364
Los Angeles, CA
Everytime I've tried this its failed....miserably in some cases. I think for a LDR to work, it MUST be a temporary thing. As in 1 yr or less apart with a solid plan to be local to each other again. Otherwise, the details that others have already stated: needing regular physical contact, growing apart, trust etc derail the whole thing.

While one can say, since its a young RS you it might make it easier to see each other so infrequently since you don't have tons of time together anyways....my biggest caution here is since it IS a young RS you probably don't even have a firm grasp as to whether or not you really want to go the distance with this person. I don't think you've known each other long enough to really decide if they're worth the challenges and if you're compatible enough. The first few months of dating are the getting to know you stages and a lot of that is really necessary to do in person. It CAN be done long distance but you're missing something. And then you skip right over the heavy endorphin stage of the RS while you're so far apart. This is the stage where you get excited just to spend time together, and butterflies and anxious and you go thru that physical flutter....once you start getting into a routine online/phone etc you still have some of that new RS feeling there, but its lessened and bastardized by the distance...and then when you DO see each other, it can be awkward with so much time between visits. On the flip side its always new and fresh when you DO see each other, but that one pro hardly outweighs all the cons.

I dunno, not much time invested yet, I wouldn't even bother trying to pursue it. Sometimes sad things happen and people move away, but sometimes its just for the better to be fair to both of you to part ways and remain friends or whatever but stop dating.
 

Tevin

Member
Sep 11, 2010
453
Ahh yes...another "I think LDRs are a bad idea...except this time" thread! :)

By definition, LDRs are temporary. They either end in a break up, or one half of the couple moves to be near the other (and the LD is voided out). What else is there? Looking at it this way, LDRs aren't supposed to work. They are simply a situation to be endured until the geographical issues are resolved (or it is agreed that they cannot be resolved).

The solution is easy to define, not so easy to implement: If you want this to go anywhere, one of you has to move. Of course, it's too early for either of you to make a leap like that but it's something that needs to be on the radar. If she was just a fun gal to chill with but not someone you would transplant yourself three states away for, then you may as well just cut it off now and date local chix.
 
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TheMarchHare

TheMarchHare

OT Supporter
thanks a lot guys, a lot of insight.

i think you all are right, in that if i don't go to lol school in TX (closer to her) or if she doesn't move to socal, it should be broken off.

do you guys think it's worth the time investment till then? (fall of next year) we will see each other a couple times between now and then (fly her out to me, go visit lolschools in TX, work another couple months interning in TX, etc
 

Midgetized

Don't mess with Douche Cat
May 29, 2000
49,720
San Diego, CA
thanks a lot guys, a lot of insight.

i think you all are right, in that if i don't go to lol school in TX (closer to her) or if she doesn't move to socal, it should be broken off.

do you guys think it's worth the time investment till then? (fall of next year) we will see each other a couple times between now and then (fly her out to me, go visit lolschools in TX, work another couple months interning in TX, etc

No

Why do you guys feel the need to be in a relationship? Can't you still do the same thing you are doing now (talking on the phone and having the occasional visit) without committing to something that may not even happen? If you end up living near each other, THEN you can decide to be in a relationship.
 

Tevin

Member
Sep 11, 2010
453
thanks a lot guys, a lot of insight.

i think you all are right, in that if i don't go to lol school in TX (closer to her) or if she doesn't move to socal, it should be broken off.

do you guys think it's worth the time investment till then? (fall of next year) we will see each other a couple times between now and then (fly her out to me, go visit lolschools in TX, work another couple months interning in TX, etc

How do you "break off" a relationship that was never really a relationship to begin with?

Jeeze dude, you only went out twice! You're making waayyy too much of this!

If you want to do the Facebook/text/occasional phone call thing to keep her in your circle, sure, why not? But still date others in your area and expect little from her. If things take off later, or you find yourself back in her neighborhood, then you can deal with that when it happens.

Let it go. For real.
 
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TheMarchHare

TheMarchHare

OT Supporter
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