I don't really know how to say this so I'll keep it an anonymous post. I've had a LOT of issues growing up. Probably more issues than my mind could have handled, especially when I was a child. It's left me pretty screwed up. I don't care for therapists/psychologists, at all. I don't like how they pretend to listen and pretend to care and greedily take your money as if that's all that matters. The few I've seen I haven't talked to long enough for them to make a proper diagnosis because I worry so much that they're going to take me away and lock me up. Besides I have yet to find a therapist that actually listens. They just want to take the latest hot drug on the market and shove it down your throat without caring what's wrong with you. I've been on several meds including Seroquel, Paxil, Wellbutrin, and Risperdal over the past 4 years. They either turn me into an emotionless zombie or make things much much worse. I rather live life with neither of those affects and deal with my mental issues. So things have pretty much become hopeless. I feel like I'm actually getting worse and worse as time goes on and there's nothing I can do about it. Recently a friend at work has seen me fall deeper and deeper into depression and we had a long talk about all the things going on in my life and how nothing I've been prescribed has helped. His suggestion? To smoke with him. And I did. I used to when I was younger and in high school mostly to fit in with the friends I hung around with. I never remembered the feeling though. I never knew it made all the voices shut up and actually allowed me to see through the clouds and enjoy the world. I was able to look at myself and not want to throw up. I was able to genuinely smile and enjoy the company of my friend. I haven't feel like that in years. I know it's a drug and that's the effect it has. It seems to take away some of my brain function in all the right places to give me these rose colored glasses. I know it's just a temporary effect. But you know what? I don't care. I've been on prescription drugs before and they can't touch how I felt that night. They can't touch how I feel right now. That same friend asked me to hang out with him after work and I feel great right now. I came home, I cleaned up, I showered, I cooked some food, I watched a little TV. I mean it's like I'm a normal person. On a normal night I come home, get undressed on the way to bed, and just lie down and cry. Or I'll pace around my room for a few hours arguing with myself over things I did during the day. Or I spend all night trying to read or listen to music or distract my mind in any way possible to shut it all up. I'm scared. What if this is the only thing that helps? What if the only time I'll ever not feel like I want to be dead is when I'm stoned? I don't want to turn into a stoner. I saw what it did to my friends in school. I don't want to become that. But I don't want the only time I smile be when I'm thinking of different ways to exit this life, this body, and this world. The only reason I'm even able to write this is because it's given me the courage to talk about it. This is normally stuff that only goes on in my head. I dare not speak of any of it. I just don't know what to do.