SRS Something is wrong with me

I don't even know where to begin. I've been feeling depressed since I can remember, and I just recently started dating a girl with whom in April I had a one night stand with. She is a friend of my friends wife. Now she won't return my calls or texts. The last time we spoke everything seemed fine, which was last Tuesday. We haven't even spoke of the one night stand, and we haven't had sex since we've been dating. What is odd is that her avoiding me these last 7 days has thrown me into a downward spiral of sorts, and I just feel really...heart broken. I do like this girl, but I hardly know her. I don't know why I even want a relationship with a girl that I know has cheated on her last bf...I was the guy she cheated with. I don't even really have strong feeling toward her, but I feel like I did when me and my last ex split. There is no reason for this feeling, but I can't stop feeling this way, and I can't even work because I am so sad and depressed. All of my friends are married now, and I hardly leave my house. I have slowly become an introvert and I can't stand anything anymore. I stopped smoking weed yesterday because it just made me angry and I couldn't stop thinking about why she won't call or text me. I can't even finish a cig now because I hate the taste and smell all of a sudden. There is nothing in my life that makes me happy anymore. I can't even stand turning on my Xbox. It just annoys me. Seriously, wtf is wrong with me? This is not normal. I can't stand this feeling, and even worse, I have no idea what is causing this or how to begin fixing it. I'm 28 and on a emotional level I feel like I'm fucking 10 sometimes.

 

I just feel like there is something not right with me. I don't know if it was how my parents raised me, or maybe I'm just being irrational. I guess looking back I didn't have a great family growing up. If I really think about it, I had some fucked up shit happen growing up that I've never dealt with. I never thought it bothered me, and I still can't honestly believe that those situations could be affecting my life now.

 

Sounds like you had expectations and didn't realize that relationships are like Rome - they aren't usually built in a day. (Though I admit, some begin construction extremely fast and continue without hazard, but for most, it's slower)

Perhaps you like the idea of her, of having someone else to focus on, so you don't have to be alone and feel depressed. Since you don't know her, you can't really like much about her, except what little you do know, or assume you know.

In my experience, we attract who we are. That doesn't mean you're a cheater, but it could mean you're attracted to people who aren't happy and who don't communicate their unhappiness well -- and so they end up hurting someone else. There are a lot of reasons people cheat, but the biggest is an inability to communicate their disatisfaction, and so -- unknowingly, they communicate it through action, like cheating.

A girl or guy who cheats, is not a good candidate for a romantic relationship. History tends to repeat itself. Cheaters tend to cheat again, because they often fail to resolve the underlying fault in their own character, and so they cope through that channel.

Obviously there is a reason for the feeling, or you wouldn't be feeling it. What you resist, persists -- what you look at.....will disappear. So, my advice is to feel your feelings and to talk about them, even if they feel overpowering, embarrassing, or overwhelming. I'm not saying your feelings are connected directly to this girl, who knows -- a lot of things can cause these feelings, but I do know that allowing yourself to experience them is the road to moving past them.

Sounds like I was accurate in my earlier assessment. Clearly your life isn't the life you want to be leading. If you attempt to enter relationships when you're already feeling these things, you'll only attract more unhappiness.

I'm no psychologist or doctor, but if you had to take a guess, list 10 things you think may be part of why you feel the way you do. Do you have other symptoms beyond the depression?

Tell me about your life a little bit, or your family, health etc.

 

Not trying to derail thread, but Hey Metallic, haven't talked to you a in year or so.

Still in Italy?

 

I'm home now. I came home in June, my girlfriend came with me and stayed 3 months. She returned again at the end of October and is here right now. She's leaving in a few days, I have to drive her to Boston to see her off.

 

Wow Metallic, I think you're spot on. For starters I'm an only child. My mom was my dads third wife. The story is they got married so she could get her green card, and they ended up having me shortly after they got married. She stayed with him because she didn't think either of them could raise me on their own.

Growing up they would argue a lot, and she would always say she was going to leave him when I turned 18. She was loyal to her word and when I graduated high school she filed for divorce. It didn't help that my dad had to take a job overseas, and he left when I was 16. That allowed my mom the time to go find someone else, which she did and is now married to, several states away. My dad moved to the Philippines shortly after the divorce, and I was left here to attend college.

My dad also left for 18 months to work overseas when I was 6 and my mom cheated on him then as well. We moved to live with him in Tunisia for three years while he continued to work there. During the last year there I was semi-sexually assaulted. I would have been raped, but my friend got help quickly and our dads arrived before I was. I just remember wanting it to go away, and I never talked with anyone about it. Actually, that is what I do. I bottle up all of my anger, fear, and frustration and just try to forget about it. I guess that is my main problem. How do I stop doing this?

 

Do you feel guilty that they stayed together for your benefit at the expense of their happiness?

I don't know how you feel, but I can imagine that I would feel both abandoned as well as an emotional football. All that arguing must have had a big impact on how you see relationships, and I suspect I would feel lost and depressed. I would feel as though I didn't have a voice, and that would put a lot of pressure on me to please my caretakers. Seeing as I could never please them -- since they chose to put themselves in the position they did -- I would have absorbed responsibility. That would leave me feeling very depressed.

How do you feel about the choices they made?

It sounds like you experienced a chronic form of trauma and abuse. Being a child, and being born into a world where your parents had little respect for each other, must have been painful to experience. It seems, like I said above, that you did take on the responsibility to try to live up to their expectations. Since they gave up their happiness for you, they invested in you. If you didn't come thru, it would all be on you. On some level, I suspect you feel responsible for her cheating on your father. You might have felt that her unhappiness led to her cheating, and her unhappiness was centered around her having stayed for you.

Your situation is far too complex for us to solve here, but you can learn to manage your feelings and to work through what has happened, so that you can understand the truth both emotionally and intellectually, about your experiences, and your family.

As children, we have all sorts of assumptions and responsibilities that we've absorbed. We carry them into adulthood, and often the assumptions of children are based on limited perspective. Children don't know where they end and their parents begin, they take on feelings, responsibilities, they take on the habits, even the character, of those who are available as role models.

You will have to work through this with a therapist I suspect, and to begin the process you'll want to make sure you have insurance coverage, call them, ask what your policy covers for therapy. Ask if they have a list of available therapists locally who are associated and accept your illness. After that and you'll want to choose 5 names or so at a time, make some phone calls to local therapists and ask them some questions. You may wish to ask if they have experience with childhood trauma and guilt, abandonment, Depression. If you feel comfortable you can tell them a little about your situation. Remember, you're paying for a service, so only go as far as you're comfortable.

You have other options to begin the process, like talking here, or reading some books on family dysfunction -- you can also look for support groups.

When you work on yourself and become who you want to be, you'll be able to attract and enter relationships with stable people who you're happy with. Also, when you come from a background like you have, confidence, social abilities, and internal goals may be skewed or absent. You may know intellectually that you deserve to be happy or in a relationship that you enjoy, but emotionally or unconsciously, be incapable of choosing those things, and thus find yourself constantly in the opposite circumstances -- and of course,.... you say "I don't understand what is going on?"

 

Thanks man. I really appreciate your point of view. I never really thought about how I felt growing up in those situations. I think I'm going to see a psychologist. I just can't see myself going through the rest of my life like this. I need to make a change.

 

A psychologist may not be the best choice, but consider them. Make sure you interview a number of choices by phone before paying anyone. Often psychologists specialize in areas unrelated to talk-therapy. You want to make sure who you see is going to fit your needs. Consider that when choosing. Social workers with Masters degrees are also useful, so ask about their credentials too. Also, don't look for someone who is just going to snap their fingers and fix you by giving you advice. That isn't how you'll overcome this problem. You need someone trained in analysis. So ask them what type of therapeutic techniques they ask, and if you don't know what they mean, ask them to explain it briefly.

You want to know as much as you can about them, after all you might be talking with them for a long time, months, perhaps even years. Choose wisely.

A 5 min conversation can reveal plenty about each person you call, so don't cut corners on this issue.

Oh and to answer your question in your first post. The girl went to the bathroom and didn't return because she wasn't interested. It's a common technique used by women, and it happens to lot's of guys who are normal and healthy. So, I hope that eases a little suffering. She did you a favor, because you aren't ready.

 

Thanks Metallic. I will definitely take your advice and ask those questions before i commit to any of them. So if not a psychologist then what type of social worker should I seek?

 

You can see a psychologist, -- I meant, just make sure you see one who does talk therapy. Social workers, -- just like psychologists, have different specialties so all you have to do is ask them what they specialize in, and give them just a little bit of information about yourself.

Some specialize in rape counseling, some specialize in child psychology, some specialize in behavioral cognitive therapy etc. They all approach problems from different directions. The direction you need is analysis, basically someone who you can talk with, who will listen as objectively as possible, and then will help you to identify your own misconceptions and assumptions.

You can ask them if they do talk therapy, if they approach cases analytically, and help people peel back the layers of their past.

After you've talked and they've given you some information, ask if they think they could help you? What you're looking for isn't just answers, but comfort. Is the person polite? Are they attentive and listening? Do they sound compassionate or interested in your questions?

If someone is abrupt and course, or quick to get off the phone -- and you don't like it, you don't have to go any further with that person, you can move onto the next and find someone who you feel may work.

Even if you find someone and go to an appt, you might not like them upon first meeting them. You have a choice of who you stay with.

 

Thanks for the advice. I've never sought out a therapist before. I appreciate all of the guidance.

 

Keep your head up man. It's hard going it alone sometimes. The thing that you may need to ask yourself is:what makes me happy?

Notice I said "what"?..and not "who"?


That is key. Try to surround yourself with things..activities, friends, hobbies etc etc. Set a routine into place and live it. Then, allow relationships to join in along the way.

 

I bet if you were talking to a couple of chicks right now you wouldnt be so depressed ya know? go out and find some new wimmenz.

 

Generally, I would say this is sound advice.

But, if dood is gievn the cold shoulder by some shorty he may go off the deep end.

I would say stay away from chicks for a bit. You don't need them right now. You got hands right?...well, get you a good porn mag and have a hand party all night long. Have the time of your life dood....order some wings, a little beer....hand party it out. It's all good.

Then play some X-Box 360