SRS *start* a relationship with a damaged person, you have issues

7960

Well-Known Member
Oct 17, 2004
60,033
New England
I keep reading threads around here asking "I went on a date with a (bulimic, alcoholic, wife beater, drug abuser, neo-nazi, etc) but I'm wondering if I should continue. I mean, s/he seems really cool and......." blah blah blah.

If you knowingly enter a relationship with the idea "but I CAN CHANGE HIM/HER" then you have as many issues as the person you're trying to change and could probably use more help fixing *YOU* than fixing the other person.

I'm not saying if your wife gets cancer you should dump her, or if you find out your 3-year boyfriend is a closet alcoholic that it's automatically over. I'm saying if you go on a date or two and have no emotional attachment, and essentially come away thinking "s/he will be *PERFECT* once i change _________ (some thing)" and that thing is a major life issue, you might as well hang up your dating shoes and head straight to therapy.
 

Dorito

Your title and main point are different. I can like someone that issues and not try to change them. I can also try to change someone with issues or without them. So are you saying someone is fucked up for dating someone with issues or for trying to correct the "issues".
 

GammaRadiation

Well-Known Member
Feb 15, 2007
29,256
Random Location.FL
Trying to correct the issues. I agree to some extents. If its something they're already working on there's no reason to not join them in their pursuits, just tread lightly and keep in mind the situation if they fall into old habits.
 
TS
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7960

7960

Well-Known Member
Oct 17, 2004
60,033
New England
Your title and main point are different. I can like someone that issues and not try to change them. I can also try to change someone with issues or without them. So are you saying someone is fucked up for dating someone with issues or for trying to correct the "issues".
I'm saying exactly what i said.

If you don't know someone and go on a date or two with them and find out they've got a serious issue, and you still choose to continue, you have issues too.
 
TS
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7960

7960

Well-Known Member
Oct 17, 2004
60,033
New England
Trying to correct the issues. I agree to some extents. If its something they're already working on there's no reason to not join them in their pursuits, just tread lightly and keep in mind the situation if they fall into old habits.
i wouldn't have a problem getting in a relationship with someone who is an alcoholic and is sober or working to get sober.

but if someone is an alcoholic with no intention of changing and you choose to start a relationship with the idea "once I fix that then s/he will be PERFECT" then you've probably got more wrong with you than the alcoholic does.
 

GammaRadiation

Well-Known Member
Feb 15, 2007
29,256
Random Location.FL
i wouldn't have a problem getting in a relationship with someone who is an alcoholic and is sober or working to get sober.

but if someone is an alcoholic with no intention of changing and you choose to start a relationship with the idea "once I fix that then s/he will be PERFECT" then you've probably got more wrong with you than the alcoholic does.
agreed.
 

Stilgar1973

New Member
Aug 12, 2006
8,340
Back in the day when I was dating I found myself in a position to make some choices.
I had to decide what sort of women were worthy of my time.

I knew what was attractive to me and what wasn't. I really am not attracted to black girls. (oh no I said it!!! Quick, break out the batons, he doesn't want to date black chicks RACIST!)
I didn't mind occasional drinkers. But if she was the sort of person who had to have alcohol included in every damnable thing I was out.
Absolutely a non-smokers. Fuck those smokers. They can get lung disease and go to hell.

And kids.

Now, the kids thing weighed on me.
I felt that I had been really careful with my life. I had *chosen* to not have kids before marriage. I knew guys that were tied up with kids to women they didn't see. Looked like a pretty horrible experience to me. I wanted no part of it.

But.... and I struggled with this .... if she was a white woman I was attracted to, didn't do drugs, only an occasional drinker, didn't smoke but had kids why not give her a chance?

Should she be punished because she had this baggage, when otherwise she was fine?


No guilt over ruling out black girls. None. Zero guilt on telling smokers to go fuck themselves. You smoke pot? You are a dirty drug smoking criminal.

But if she had a kid I felt really guilty about it. Like I was punishing her.

What I eventually decided was this.
I had made all the proper decisions to get to 30 years old without any kids. My reasoning for doing so was solid. No kids before marriage. No kids to a woman whom I wasn't already committed to spending my life with. It wasn't always easy, it wasn't luck and it required forethought.

Why should I be saddled with someone else's bad decision when I had worked so hard to make good ones in my life?

Besides, there are plenty of guys out there with kids running around. She doesn't need me. She can hook up with one of them.

-----------------

Before you date someone with baggage you REALLY have to think about yourself.
It isn't luck that you don't have said baggage. You are not an alcoholic because you decide when it is appropriate and inapropriate to drink. You have the self control and common sense to say, 'Hey I can't drink tonight I have to work tomorrow.'.
Why should you saddle yourself with someone that isn't that smart?

If you are riding in a car with someone carrying pot, you get pulled over and the pot is found, do you have any idea how easy it is for YOU to have a drug conviction from that?
Why should you saddle yourself with that risk when you have spent your life making good decisions?

These people, there are plenty of others like them that they can hook up with. You are not punishing them by not dating them.
When they are an ex-alcoholic with a few years under there belts we can talk. But until then, go away.
 
TS
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7960

7960

Well-Known Member
Oct 17, 2004
60,033
New England
we all have to weigh things for ourselves, but I wouldn't consider a children "baggage". i understand kids means an ex- of some sort, and other commitments and priorities, but my posts have been more about something like an addiction or problem that the person isn't dealing with. i wouldn't put kids (as long as she's a decent mother) in that category.
 

TiffanyTJB

New Member
Dec 7, 2007
158
If I went on a few dates and discovered my new suitor was cooking meth in his trailor in the desert I would probably not go on any more dates with him.

I have a girlfiend who has been involved with someone for two months and there are already a bunch of issues and she has cried about this a number of times. I keep telling her this is not going to get any better but I really don't know what she's going to do. I hope she gets out of this thing soon because at two months into it if there are already substantial issues, that is just a big red flag for me.

I'm going to be dating again next year and am trying to keep an eye out for things like that. Right now I am nowhere near being ready to date again but if the person has any big issues that I find about early on, I am just not going to stick around.
 

4W4K3

New Member
Dec 31, 2004
5,051
TX
we all have to weigh things for ourselves, but I wouldn't consider a children "baggage". i understand kids means an ex- of some sort, and other commitments and priorities, but my posts have been more about something like an addiction or problem that the person isn't dealing with. i wouldn't put kids (as long as she's a decent mother) in that category.

I agree, as long as there isn't an ex constantly in the picture. My current girlfriend has an almost 2 year old son, father isn't on the birth certificate, no child support so no chance of visitation, and he lives out of state. I was more than OK with all of that.

She's also a recovering/recovered meth addict. Clean for 4 years before I met her. I am OK dating her now since she moved far away from her old friends, and the things that got her started with all of that. And she did it all BEFORE she met me, so I know she did it for herself which is a big part of recovery IMHO.

I don't have reservations with controlled drinking and marijuana, but that probably just means I'm "messed up" in that area myself. So it all works out lol
 
TS
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7960

7960

Well-Known Member
Oct 17, 2004
60,033
New England
... no child support so no chance of visitation,
just a heads-up, child support is not a prerequisite for visitation.


sounds like there's more going on so you don't have to worry about him coming around, but your statement above is not correct.
 

4W4K3

New Member
Dec 31, 2004
5,051
TX
just a heads-up, child support is not a prerequisite for visitation.


sounds like there's more going on so you don't have to worry about him coming around, but your statement above is not correct.

Oh I did not know that. I figured if he wasn't on the birth certificate he had no legal backing to see the child. But I will admit...I don't know much about this type of thing.
 

teo

. => ? => !
Aug 26, 2004
3,083
Eh?
But.... and I struggled with this .... if she was a white woman I was attracted to, didn't do drugs, only an occasional drinker, didn't smoke but had kids why not give her a chance?

Should she be punished because she had this baggage, when otherwise she was fine?


(...)

But if she had a kid I felt really guilty about it. Like I was punishing her.

What I eventually decided was this.
I had made all the proper decisions to get to 30 years old without any kids. My reasoning for doing so was solid. No kids before marriage. No kids to a woman whom I wasn't already committed to spending my life with. It wasn't always easy, it wasn't luck and it required forethought.

Why should I be saddled with someone else's bad decision when I had worked so hard to make good ones in my life?

What if, hypothetically, this woman was single with kids because she'd been widowed? Would this change anything for you?
 

Darketernal

Watch: Aria The Origination =)
Its hard because people are far from perfect,they often hide their imperfections so you'd might only find out later and are already stuck in the relationship, and on top you have to pick from this imperfect selection of human beings, in the end you are right because its better to be alone then to be together with someone who ruins your life and pulls you down into the blackhole of problems that they have. Those kind of people need psychiatric counselling and NOT a relationship.
 

MattThom01

Active Member
Jan 2, 2006
8,506
Its hard because people are far from perfect,they often hide their imperfections so you'd might only find out later and are already stuck in the relationship, and on top you have to pick from this imperfect selection of human beings, in the end you are right because its better to be alone then to be together with someone who ruins your life and pulls you down into the blackhole of problems that they have. Those kind of people need psychiatric counselling and NOT a relationship.

I disagree with this. You're NEVER "stuck in a relationship". You can end it at any time...the only time I see major difficulties is if you are living with the other person or something like that.

If you're not, and it's just a time thing...well, even if you've been together for years and years, you're not stuck.

However, it's all somewhat moot, because I would most definitely encourage someone to really get to know someone well before moving in together, getting married, having kids, etc. Trust your instincts too...if something feels "off" about a person, there is usually a reason.

Also, seconding the whole "don't view relationships as fixer uppers".
 
TS
TS
7960

7960

Well-Known Member
Oct 17, 2004
60,033
New England
Its hard because people are far from perfect,they often hide their imperfections so you'd might only find out later and are already stuck in the relationship, and on top you have to pick from this imperfect selection of human beings, in the end you are right because its better to be alone then to be together with someone who ruins your life and pulls you down into the blackhole of problems that they have. Those kind of people need psychiatric counselling and NOT a relationship.

I'd prefer you not reply to my posts or post in my threads. When someone thinks it would be ok to kill a handicapped kid, you have nothing to add to any discussion I'm in.
 

Darketernal

Watch: Aria The Origination =)
I'd prefer you not reply to my posts or post in my threads. When someone thinks it would be ok to kill a handicapped kid, you have nothing to add to any discussion I'm in.

I disagree, because opinions are not always in-line with your preferences,and besides if people would agree on everything then opinions and discussion forums would be without value, also this topic has no relation between the other topic so i have to dismiss your reason on why i should not post in it.
 

droobles

New Member
Mar 10, 2011
239
I disagree with your title... I mean, if you know they have problems and you're willing to work with them / around them, whatever, you're not necessarily fucked in the head. If you go in thinking you're going to change their life and make them all better, then you have issues, or you're at least in denial....

All that being said, your title and your OP don't exactly say the same thing.
 
TS
TS
7960

7960

Well-Known Member
Oct 17, 2004
60,033
New England
I disagree, because opinions are not always in-line with your preferences,and besides if people would agree on everything then opinions and discussion forums would be without value, also this topic has no relation between the other topic so i have to dismiss your reason on why i should not post in it.

I don't want or expect opinions to be in line with mine. What I said and will say again more clearly is you are fucked in the head for believing it should be on to kill a handicapped child so you have nothing to add to any discussion I'm in.
 

droobles

New Member
Mar 10, 2011
239
yeah actually the title and main idea are exactly the same, thanks n
Actually, this:
*start* a relationship with a damaged person, you have issues

Is not the exact same thing as this:
If you knowingly enter a relationship with the idea "but I CAN CHANGE HIM/HER" then you have as many issues as the person you're trying to change and could probably use more help fixing *YOU* than fixing the other person.

The first says you have issues regardless, the second says you have issues if you think you can change them.
 
TS
TS
7960

7960

Well-Known Member
Oct 17, 2004
60,033
New England
Actually, this:


Is not the exact same thing as this:


The first says you have issues regardless, the second says you have issues if you think you can change them.

The first says you have issues if you start a relationship with someone who you know has issues, the seconds says you have issues if you start a relationship with someone who you know has issues.
 

Deficient

New Member
Dec 22, 2010
105
Scotland
Why should I be saddled with someone else's bad decision when I had worked so hard to make good ones in my life?

:ugh:

I'm pretty sure those women and their "bad decisions" (otherwise known as their beloved children...) aren't going to miss your hot relationship action if this is the kind of judgmental bs you're working with anyway.

I am amazed nobody picked this guy up on this? I mean, ok, kids as a dealbreaker, sure, I get it. But kids being talked about with a straight face in a thread where the matters of discussion are serious addictions and dangerous behaviours? Wow.

How do you know that the woman didn't make a perfectly logical decision to have that child in the context of a steady relationship?

Oh I feel so guilty, sob, sniff :rolleyes: Some guys amaze me.

[I am not a single mother btw]


Anyway, I wouldn't go so far as to say someone who merely gets into a relationship with someone with serious issues has issues themselves, it obviously depends entirely on whether the problem at hand is a dealbreaker (I'm splitting hairs here), but they probably do if they're under the illusion that things will change. They could change, but anybody would be an absolute fool to count on it when all of the evidence up to that time points to a lack of ability or willingness to change.
 

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