I'm sure only a few people will actually read all of this, and I know who that will be and you are the people that I actually want to read all of it Besides, it's me; what did you expect, a short post? i never thought i'd be in this situation but here I am. With all my other relationships, in the back of my mind I always thought "this will eventually end because of xyz," and while sometimes I was very depressed when we broke up, I always knew it was the right decision, even if I wasn't the one to end it and even if I didn't want to end it. But of course this one is different. I know people always say no really, this one is different I swear! But fuck you, this one was different. So now I'm gonna emo vent a little. It sucks because I keep thinking about how much she cared about me and how that made me feel and how much I loved her back. To tell her "I might have a chronic disease" and her reaction is "baby, I don't care" and then she starts sending me recipies of meals she can make me that won't upset my stomach was an incredible feeling. To hear "baby, I think you're fucking hot; you worry too much" always made me feel good. And to know that I felt the same was awesome. Everything in my apartment reminds me of her. Half the stuff I have I either got with her or she got for me. My steak knives. The spatula she just bought me cuz "I needed another one." The blanket on my couch. The painting. Massage oils. Half the shows on my DVR are things we recorded to watch together. That makes it hard. She used to print out her work shedule and put it up on my fridge and circle the days she was gonna come over. She'd leave work an hour early on Friday to take the early train and spend more time with me. The food she left in my fridge and cabinets. Her mannerisms were so cute. From how she loved to eat cereal in the morning to how she'd come up behind me while I was cooking in the kitchen and put her arms around me and kiss my neck and say she loved me. I really believed that she and I were in that tiny little category of people who continue to fall in love over and over throughout their relationship (remember that thread, I think it was posted by JJJ). She loves animals. She has a pet bunny who is super cute and sweet. She has great taste in music. She has great taste in movies and comedy. She likes to watch chick flicks and cry and was always embarrassed by it. She is brilliant. She loves to read. She watches smart shows on Discovery channel. She likes fantasy and is writing her own high fantasy book. She's introverted and shy. She would talk about our future and the things we wanted to do together. And I absolutely loved every single one of those things about her. Most people have some interests or habits that, deep down inside, you're just like "really? That's dumb" and you just put up with while you're dating them. But not with her. Everything I learned about her made me like her even more than before. Everything she did was so genuinely compassionate. She didn't do stuff cuz she had to, she did stuff because she wanted to. The most mundane things, like walking down the street to get Chinese food, or going grocery shopping, when we did them together, were more fun than being a little kid on Christmas morning. It was like there was constantly an invisible bubble of love and happiness that surrounded us. And when we were apart, we'd be in frequent contact via txt which I know some people here think is odd, but it was like an extension of the invisible bubble of love. I liked knowing how her day was going and she liked knowing how my day was going. It's hard to explain... it wasn't needy... it wasn't codependent... it was just a beautiful expression of love. And the sex was fantastic. She could have orgasms from penetration alone (awesome, and great for my ego), clit stimulation, and oral, and sometimes multiples. She was giving and always made sure i was satisfied. And of course I did the same for her. It no doubt contributed to the bubble of love. And needless to say, she was gorgeous. And I miss all of that. I fully admit now that I am looking at this from a scarcity mentality: - how often do i find someone who I match with so wonderfully? - how often do i find someone who isn't judgmental? - how often is this person attractive, single, and mentally stable? And I know this is probably bad, but I look at it like this: - when she met me, I was awesome and hot. She fell in love with me. Then I got sick and she was already in love with me. Now, I feel like I have an extra issue or two that is going to make me unattractive. "Hey ladies, i'm Falconer - I'm awesome but I'm super skinny (granted some chicks like that) and I can't eat normally and I might have a chronic disease! Aren't I attractive?!" It's probably one of those things where it's only as big of a deal as I make it out to be, but still. Scarcity mentality. The creator of neediness. But it's funny. Maybe it just hasn't kicked in yet, but while I'm completely heartbroken and sad, I'm in a much better place mentally right now than I was after one of my previous breakups. I think it's related to the fact that I took action and told her how I feel at the end. Even tho now we're actually broken up, I'm experiencing less anxiety than I was during the last 2 weeks when I didn't know what was going on. Like I said, it could just have not hit me yet. But I have no regrets. I mean, I regret being insecure and overreacting which I think pushed her away, but after that, I don't regret anything I said or did in the last week. I tried my hardest and if she and I were meant to be together, then she would have said to me "baby, I love you and I want to work through things with you." I saw part of Fight Club last night where Tyler Durden was in the car with the guys and he drove into the oncoming lane and asked "if you died tonight, what would you regret not doing?" or something like that. I would regret it if I didn't tell her how I felt at the end. I would regret it if I didn't put my heart out on the line one last time. I would always wonder "what if..." But I don't, and that is a comforting feeling. Or maybe it's that my brain actually started to process the breakup 2 weeks ago when she got distant and so everything isn't technically super fresh like it would have been if she randomly dumped me one day when everything was perfect. Or maybe it's that I've been smoking a bit of weed today to help ease the emotions (and it helps my abdominal pain, too!). I'm proud of myself for correctly identifying that something weird was going on in our relationship. It means I'm not completely socially oblivious. Eventually the memories of this relationship will fade and I will just remember concepts but not specifics. It makes me sad to think of such beautiful memories not being preserved, but that is what makes moving on possible. That's why it's so hard now; everything is a specific: I remember exactly what she said, how she said it, how she smelled, where we were standing, what I was thinking at the time, the look in her eyes when she said it, how it felt to be in love. I know that I will get through this. It will suck fucking ass, but I know I will get through this. And tonight will suck cuz all my friends are out of town and normally I'd be with her. Oh well. I guess I'm gonna chill at my place and try to not think about her. So this is long but I don't give a shit. Writing it made me feel better. And now I'm gonna post it. And then I'm gonna take all the pics of her off my phone and save them to a folder on my computer and look at them in the future when I have moved on. Seeing them now will be painful, but I'm not ready to delete them just yet. And then I have like a year's worth of txts to delete. That's going to be hard (I wish my phone let me put them into folders cuz then i'd have all hers in a folder i could just delete, but it doesn't). And I made it through this entire post without starting to cry until just now.