Here's a guide to the stereotypical people you'll meet at the gunshow, for those of you who've never been. Steve: Steve specializes in t-shirts that say things like "from my cold, dead hands", "bomb squad: if you see me running you'd better catch up", and "I shot terrorists in Iraq and all I got was this lousy t-shirt". He also has a massive amount of over-priced beef jerky for sale at his table. Steve is usually too distracted taking people's money to be rude, polite, or even notice you unless you're handing money to him while walking off with a t-shirt or package of jerky. Clyde: Clyde has used guns with more rust than finish and if you look closely you might be able to see rifling in the barrel. These guns are priced $200 over what the guns cost when they were brand new and in decent condition. Clyde will be personally and deeply insulted if you offer anything less than what the price tag says, even though he hasn't made a single sale at the last three shows because his merchandise is worthless crap. Billy: Billy is thirteen years old and at his first gun show with his dad. He's the one with the baseball cap and the bugged out eyes constantly exclaiming "WHOA, COOL! WOW! AWESOME!" Billy will one day have a firearms collection the size of a national guard armory to go along with his position as chairman of the NRA. Bubba: Bubba is a tactical mall-ninja commando in mismatched camoflage from three different countries and patches, rank insignia, and reproduction medals from every branch of the military and a few that don't exist. He will try to corner you and tell you a story about the time he was flying F-22's in 'nam for the USMC SEAL team and then served as a space shuttle door gunner for a top secret mission to Afghanistan. If asked for proof of his exploits, all of his records are either classified or burned down with the building shortly after he retired at the age 29. Alternatively, he'll ask what gun you're buying and proceed to go into a long story about why that gun is a piece of crap and how his .223 caliber rifle that he may have bought from Clyde can blow a deer in half from a mile away with his special-made custom bullets that he makes in his basement. Bubba does not take the hint when you ignore him and will only leave when he finds someone else to latch onto and talk their ears off. Rick: Rick is an awesome dealer whose table has three of everything you could ever want and they're all at a fair price. Unfortunately, you won't find Rick until after you've bought the same thing for twice what he's asking at another table. Thelma: Thelma is a little old woman who may have been alive when Lincoln was president. She will be carrying an older firearm that belonged to her recently departed husband that she wants to sell because she has no use for it and no idea of its actual value. This firearm will likely be worth enough to buy a decent car with and she will try selling it to the nearest dealer to the door, usually Clyde. Clyde will offer $50 while barely concealing his cackling delight at finding such a sucker, while a dozen show attendees will run at Thelma screaming "NONONONONONONO!" and trying to stop her before she completes the transaction. Most of them will be honest and either inform her as to the actual value of the gun or direct her to a dealer that will give her more money for it. Mike: Mike is an elderly man wearing a vest with VFW pins all over it. His table specializes in collectible coins and reproduction Nazi memoribilia for WWII collectors. He's an honest dealer but he's also stone deaf and has no idea what you're trying to buy. Dave: Dave doesn't actually sell guns and hates Mike with a passion. He sells army surplus camo, police holsters, pepper spray, combat boots, kevlar flak jackets from the 70's, and American WWII memoribilia. He hates Mike because Mike actually sells off his merchandise while Dave's only gets man-handled by potential customers and then dropped back on the table. Louis: Louis specializes in American-made handguns. Despite the high price tag, you can always get a good deal from Louis because everything is negotiable and he's a good guy. Unfortunately, Louis is in the convention center restroom with explosive diarhea, creating a stench that is almost but not quite enough to make attendees buy surplus gas masks from Dave before entering. Louis' wife Susie is running the table in his absence. Susie has absolutely zero interest in guns, the convention, or the customers. Susie will not negotiate prices and could care less whether or not you buy anything from the table. Lorretta: Lorretta makes more money than any other vendor at the show. This defies rational logic since her table is covered almost exclusively with Beanie Babies, home crafts, and copies of Better Homes and Gardens from the mid-1980's. At a gun show. On the plus side, she does sell excellent peanut brittle and pecan chewies. George: George sells older shotguns and bolt-action rifles. He displays open contempt for anyone who buys a so-called "assault weapon" or a handgun that was made after the 1940's and will glare at you if you so much as dare mention that just possibly the Second Amendment wasn't intended exclusively for deer and duck hunters. More than likely he will loudly declare that "the only reason to own one of those things is to kill people!" Then he'll cuss at you and tell you to get away from his booth if you ask if that's why the police own so many. Burt: Burt sells "assault" rifles, semi-automatic handguns, and class III weaponry almost exclusively. He also has a stand of books and magazines such as the Army Field Manual FM21-76: Survival, Soldier of Fortune, How To Build a Nuclear Bunker, and Unintended Consequences. Unlike many of the people wandering the show clad in camo, Burt actually knows what he's talking about and can tell you the exact manufacturer, factory, and the day it was built of any gun you mention or show him, entirely by memory, and give you a detailed history of that particular model of firearm that would impress the historian at the Smithsonian's armory section. People tend to think of Burt as being psychotically paranoid, especially about the government, but you have to admit he's making more and more sense as time goes on. Most of Burt's customers either scare you or make you envious. Hank: Hank sells knives, swords, spears, crossbows, chainmail, and other archaic items. He makes nearly as much money as Lorretta, despite the fact that most of his merchandise is over-price stainless steel crap you can find at pawn shops and flea markets for a third the price. Tom: Tom is wandering the convention grounds desperately looking for a very specific firearm. Unfortunately for Tom, he passes about ten vendors selling the exact item he's looking for without noticing and finally finds one for sale at Clyde's table. He goes home and ends up hating his purchase and sells it for less than half of what he paid for it. Six months later, he finds the gun he's looking for that doesn't look and perform as if it were run over by an armored column and goes home with tears of joy. Ryan: Ryan has to sneak his new, hideously expensive super awesome gun into the house because if his wife finds out he bought yet another gun instead of making a car payment she'll kill him. Thus, he manages to look simultaneously ecstatic about his purchase and sickeningly nervous as he walks out into the parking lot. Omar: Omar is an enthuisiastic target shooter who is thinking of getting his first "assault" rifle as a fun purchase. Unfortunately, he immigrated from Iran ten years ago and half the show attendees keep looking at him funny and wondering how quickly they could get the zip-ties off of their guns and have them in working order if they had to. The glares intensify as he makes his purchase and nervously heads out the door with it. Jose: Jose is a member of the local street gang/drug cartel down town. He can't buy firearms because of his prior six felonies, so he has his latest girlfriend come with him and buy "herself" whichever gun he points out. This will invariably be a cheap-as-dirt and as-reliable-as-the-French-army pistol like a Llama or Lorsen. Whichever dealer Jose's "baby mama" tries buying the gun from will skepticly raise his eyebrow at her and tell her to come back when she isn't dating a dipshit with pantyhose on his head. Michelle: Michelle is obsessed with "assault" weapons and eager to add to her growing collection. Each vendor she meets tells her that whichever gun she tries buying isn't what she wants and then patronizes "the little lady" by selecting a tamer, more politically-correct firearm and telling her that that's exactly what she needs. Many then proceed to hit on her, despite the fact that she brought her boyfriend along to carry heavy things. John: John learned everything he knows about guns from television and despite believing everything Feinstein, Boxer, and the DNC say about firearms and the people that own them has decided to get one of his own. After staring in bewilderment at an incredible array of firearms that he never imagined in his wildest dreams, he finally finds one that looks both cool and still politically-correct and pays more than it's worth. He ends up being thrown out of the show for muzzle-sweeping half the attendees and trying to load it on the spot. Jerome: Jerome is a media hitman out to sensationalize guns, violence, and rednecks. Vendors look at him suspiciously while he takes pictures and asks oddly-phrased questions while his buddy with the tape recorder stands nearby pretending to look at guns. Jerome will later go home and either misquote everyone or quote them out of context while declaring that guns should be banned. He will later receive a literary award for writing such an excellent, balanced, and fair article. Oswald: Oswald is a typical FBI/ATF agent. Cleverly, he approaches vendors and openly invites them to engage in illegal activity. Because they're too stupid to recognize entrapment when they see it and they're all criminals anyway. Oswald will avoid keeping an eye on Omar, Jose, or the black guy with the gold teeth and tattoos who just got a Tec-9 and smells suspiciously of marijuana. That would be racial profiling. Oswald will later ramdomly follow one of the vendors or attendees home and have them arrested for suspected gun trafficing, confiscate their firearms and any other personal possessions of value, and harrass them for the next two years in order to meet quota. Jake: Jake is an asshole vendor who goes out of his way to piss off potential customers and rip them off. Jake is too stupid to realize when to back off and completely fails to understand that if you knock a guys cigar out of his mouth and assault him he WILL go Darth Vader on your ass. Tommy: Tommy is your stereotypical black gangbanger. He calls every handgun either a Glock or a gat, refers to magazines as clips, and makes loud hooting sounds to get the vendor's attention and ask "how much fo' da the glock-fotey?" He eventually walks out with a Tec-9 and proceeds to frighten nearly everyone in the parking lot when he and his fifteen homies climb into a rusted-out Caddy with spinners and peel out. William: Willaim is not your stereotypical black gangbanger. He's black, but well-dressed and makes a higher income than most of the people attending the show. He has never fired a gun in his life and does not own any ammunition. His only reason for being at the show is to complete his collection of Browning Hi-Powers that he keeps in glass display cases at home. William receives more dirty looks and suspicious glances than Tommy. Gunny: Gunny is older than dirt but well-preserved. He walks with a slight limp, cusses at the drop of a hat, and speaks more loudly than necessary. Gunny is intent on finding a USGI M1 Garand and an M-14 clone and will gladly let you know that the M-16 is a jam-o-matic popgun and that the U.S. should never have used it to replace the M-14 as the main battle rifle. Charles: Charles is English. This is his first time at a gun show that he decided to visit just to see what they're like. Despite his fears, prejudices, and pre-conceived notions, Charles actually finds himself enjoying the convention and becoming fascinated with the broad variety of weaponry on display. Then Bubba spots him. Erney: Erney is a uniformed police officer supposedly providing security for the convention. In practice, however, he spends most of his time fondling other people's guns at the door or hitting on Michelle while her boyfriend is standing right there. Erney is oblivious to anything Jose or Tommy say or do. Carl: Carl is an elderly man who couldn't weigh 90 pounds soaking wet. Despite this, he is asking each vendor about a massively heavy, large-caliber firearm and seems disappointed that no one at the convention is selling such hand-held artillery. Burt has five of them on display, but Carl is too nervous to approach his booth. He pauses in the middle of conversations and seems confused for a moment before starting over again with the same questions. Eventually he wanders home and falls asleep watching reruns of Matlock. Joe: Joe is not a licensed dealer, but somehow he always end up with a bunch of guns in his arms that he walks around the aisles with trying to convince attendees to buy for more than they're worth. The vendors don't like Joe but say nothing as more often than not he ends up getting cornered by Bubba for most of the convention and is therefore kept out of their hair. Willie: Willie is the stereotypical redneck who fondles each and every gun at the table before picking one, inevitably some sort of man-portable cannon. Willie, while sighting down the barrel at the ceiling, will make an offhand comment about how he really shouldn't buy the gun because he might get pissed and shoot his neighbor. This will result in the dealer quietly setting the gun back on the table and telling him to have a nice day. Willie, oblivious, moves on to the next table and does it all over again. Smitty: Smitty specializes in BB guns, paintball guns, and airsoft that try to look like the real thing. Smitty has BB-firing MAC-10's labeled as "UZI FULL-AUTO BB GUN USES REAL UZI PARTS!!!! SPECIAL PRICE $399 TODAY ONLY" and camo fatigues that might conceivably be able to blend in with something if you were trying to hide in a crate of bananas. Smitty's battery-operated full-auto airsoft AK-47 costs more than the real thing. Ray: Ray is like Bubba, except ten years younger, slightly less overweight, and hangs out at Smitty's table for nearly the whole convention. Like Bubba, he makes up bullshit as he goes, but his fantasies consist almost entirely of the time he single-handedly slew the evil Iron Commandos from Chicago single-handedly while the rest of his squad cowered in fear behind him. Later, both the female members of the squad joined him for a threesome to properly thank him for saving them all from being hit with yellow plastic pellets. Sarah: Sarah is everything a man could ever want in a woman and knows it. Using the power of her body, she entices each and every male passing the booth to stop for a look- and maybe take their eyes off her low-cut blouse long enough to hand her money for something, anything, that she happens to be selling. Sarah will rebuff every attempt to get her phone number while still remaining seductive. Erney will have to forcibly remove Ray from the booth twice. Wallace: Wallace sells every magazine to every gun known to man. Unfortunately, Wallace seems to think the ban is still in place if the $40 AK 30-rnd magazines with the 30% finish and dents are any indication. Most of his NIB stock is from USA and the used magazines cost nearly as much the guns they go to at other tables. Henry: Henry goes to every convention and recognizes each of the regular attendees. He will inevitably bump into one of these regulars in the middle of the aisle and stop to loudly catch up on the events that occurred within the last week, blocking all passage down the aisle. If asked to please step out of the way, Henry will sway a few inches to one side or the other while keeping his feet planted and without slowing down his animated conversation with whatever poor soul he was cornered this time. Cletus: Cletus is the size of a Volkswagen and the same general shape. Despite the fact that he is wide enough to single-handedly block traffic on any aisle he occupies, he always seems to have a thirty-foot radius of clear space around here. Likely because he smells like cheese formed in the socks of a French trench soldier in WWI. Any vendors selling gas masks will coincidentally demonstrate them for Cletus and leave them on until he ponderously makes his way to the next table. Cletus never seems to buy anything but asks a lot of questions. Rufus: Rufus is an escapee from an anime or sci-fi convention, usually in costume. He knows absolutely nothing about guns and is willing to share that complete lack of information with anyone patient enough to listen to his filibusters. He inevetibally ends up swapping bogus stories about guns with Ray and Bubba before spending fifteen minutes working up the courage to approach Sarah's booth and buy a cool-looking stainless steel dagger the size of a cat. Sgtar15: Sarge is getting up there in years and quite possibly insane, but everyone at the convention loves him. He makes his way around the convention with a cardboard box labeled "Sgtar15 Productions" and full of vintage G.I. Joes he finds at various tables. A lovable character, he manages to creep out many of the gun show attendees nonetheless. The only gun related item he will buy is a brick of .22lr ammo "because of my back". Greg: Greg knows little about guns but knows what he likes. What he likes is the biggest fricking caliber they can put in a gun without killing the person firing it. Greg absolutely loves his BFG revolver in .45-70 and his Barret M82A1 that he fires from the shoulder. Greg can sometimes be seen wearing a sling on his arm and trying to sell a carbine chambered for .577 Tyrranosaurus. Jason: Jason is a class III fanatic. Grenade launchers, mortar, RPG's, machine guns, he's into it. Unfortunately for Jason, the only class III dealer at the convention is an asshole who won't let you even touch a single thing on his table, even non-firearms, unless you work for a police or government agency. Jason dislikes being glared by the class III dealer until he leaves and goes home to bitch about it on the internet. Enrique: Enrique does not speak english. He speaks some form of spanish that remains incomprehensible even to those who took a course in college. Enrique becomes angry if you ask him to speak english or say you don't understand spanish and acts as if he doesn't know what a 4473 is if you hand him one. Enrique suddenly has to leave the convention when Steve walks past wearing an INS t-shirt. Daric: Daric is a college student out to buy his first evil black rifle. Unfortunately, Daric is on a budget and has decided to build his own AR-15 from parts since that will be more affordable. Those Hesse lower receivers look nice and would go great with that Vulcan upper receiver he saw at the gun store last week. Winston: Winston sells AR-15's but will glare at anyone who asks if he has lower or upper receivers in stock and loudly tell them that no, he does NOT sell receivers and never will because everyone who buys a lower or upper receiver is a criminal building an illegal gun and the AWB prevents dealers from selling them anyway. Argument with Winston is futile, as is informing him that the ban ended.