Ok, so some of you are pretty up on the crap I have been going through the last few of years. I am still here Well a quick update on things, I am still alive and scraping. Businesses are falling into line, family is sorting their shit out. Etc etc. All and all pretty badass. Started back doing tech work, getting my skills back. Did a few projects that made me and and . So I am getting to the to . So thats good. Why am I posting? well.. when spending your time surviving and constantly prep'ing for the next scrap with life you just have to live with so many problems and issues.. and ...Just deal. My mind, body and spirit have been torn to shreds. Body is healing well, mind is coming back to true... That leaves the spirit. To survive shit you build armor, you become a tough son of a bitch. But after you have survived this trial, is it really necessary to keep all these weapons and protections? For day to day life is full mental/spiritual plate mail really what is needed? I am in the final stages of cutting through the layers upon layers of protection, trying to find the base elements that make up who I am. The damage and scaring is just .... insane. The more you let go, the more memories come rushing back reminding you of past mistakes and pains. Good by past, you need to go back to where you belong. Only the wisedom and good memories need to press forward. Like in the restoration of anything of true value, it is expensive, sometimes frightening and always very challenging. After removing a lot of the bullshit, hitting myself with the honesty stick a few million times I am starting to feel... optimistic, hopeful.. free? I am finding myself more capable than I *thought* I was before. I say what I need to, when I need to. I realized that those who really care about me, will stay and love me even when they don't always like or agree with what I feel, say or do. Everyone else is pretty much shit out of luck. I care about people, but I am no longer going to be engaged in needless battle(less armor is require when you can end a battle before it starts ) An interesting thing, I never really .. lost my faith in God. But the connection was getting distant and muted. Thats no longer the case. The best way to describe this situation is .. having everything that you ever lost in your life, one morning, appear back right where you left it. *sigh* well I could write all night and this more than likely makes no sense to most of you and the rest didn't read past the first sentence. Losing your heart and soul while surviving isn't worth the cost. If you feel like you are, fight a battle thats worth winning. Bring back yourself, if you can survive.. you have more than enough guts to handle life even if it makes you . If you don't throw your hat over the wall, no one will do it for you. And life will suck.