SRS The Great Experiment is OVER! I'm a real fucking alcoholic and

[Coottie]

I almost fucking destroyed it all!!!

However, right as I had this revelation my best friend in the whole wide world called me. I was 100% honest with him.....I told him fucking everything. I told him that I needed to pour out all the fucking liquor in my life.....I made him hold me accountable....don't let me off the fucking phone until I've poured it all out.

I then set up a secret word with him....where if I he said that word, I would have to stop talking immediately and do whatever he says at that moment in time......and be 100% honest with him.

I honestly thought it would be weeks and weeks before he used the word.....imagine my surprise when he used it not even 10 minutes later.

WOW.....I've been so fucking far off my sober center and I didn't even see it! I couldn't even see it!!!

Friends became enemies.....enemies just sat back and laughed at the destruction occurring all around me.

Jesus fucking CHRIST!! People are avoiding me, not inviting me to meetings, they're walking on eggshells around me.....no one trusts me anymore.

Wow....I'm so far off base and I didn't even know it.

I almost got fired from work not because I made someone upset but because of the fucking apology.

Seriously....how fucking far off base are you when your apology almost gets your fucking fired!

Wow....pretty fucking far.

But it's ok.....I've got one more chance at work so I'll be walking on eggshells for awhile.....I'll be fucking cow towing, stepping and fetching and trying to keep anything like this from ever happening again.

I'm a sick motherfucker.

So my great experiment to "prove" that alcoholism isn't a disease did exactly the opposite. It's proved that not only is alcoholism real....but it's a fucking deadly disease that prevents me from even perceiving reality properly.

WOW.....I can't believe it......I was and always have been a drunk.

Yet I thought I was different and I could handle my drinking. I thought I was doing so well but in reality, I was so fucking far off base that it wasn't even funny.....but it's ok.....I know how to fix this.

I know where help lies.....it lies in the rooms of AA.

It worked before and it can work again.

Anyways, today is August 30, 2011.....the first day of my new string of sobriety.

All the drugs are gone....all the liquor is gone.....all the fucking shit that I used to cope with and to medicate my feelings are gone......I'm done with this shit.

It fucking lied to me again....it's cunning, baffling and powerful and holy shit....it almost ripped my life to shreds and told me that everything was OK and it was all those other fucking people that were the problem.....it's not my problem....it's THEM


no Coottie.....it's you buddy.


Welp....here's to some new sobriety. I can't wait....in fact, I'm kind of relieved because for a long time, I really doubted whether I was an alcoholic or not.....seriously. I couldn't see that I actually wasn't thinking properly.....even when some of you (i killed tupac) and others tried to tell me I was fucked....I couldn't see it.

Welp, I see it now and I'm fired up.

More to come. Sorry for being a dick!

 

[Coottie]

Oh and thanks to everyone that tried to help me see the shit I was shoveling.

 

[i killed tupac]

You can always try NA ya know, same shit. Booze would be a class 2 narcotic if it weren't legal.

Addiction is kinda like a lot of mental disorders, when the therapy works, you feel like you don't have it. That's why the streets are full of schizos and bipolars and guys like us. Treatment worked, we thought we weren't sick anymore, and we got sick again.

 

[Coottie]

You can always try NA ya know, same shit. Booze would be a class 2 narcotic if it weren't legal.

Addiction is kinda like a lot of mental disorders, when the therapy works, you feel like you don't have it. That's why the streets are full of schizos and bipolars and guys like us. Treatment worked, we thought we weren't sick anymore, and we got sick again.

I couldn't even fucking see it. My rationalizing and justifying mechanisms kicked back in....BIG TIME!

Wow....I honestly thought that my "red flags" those things that i had set up to tell me I was off base and needed help have been going off for weeks and weeks.....they're fucking telling me I'm fucked but what do I do? Drink and drug more. Why? Because I fucking want to.

But there is help available.....went to a 5:30 meeting....heading to an 8pm meeting after some dinner.

 

[D7]

Sponsor status?

 

[Adom]

I'm happy to see you back.

This thread will be a great reminder to many, that chaos is just a drop away.

 

[Coottie]

Sponsor status?

I called my old sponsor during my moment of clarity. He said he would help me and I'm free to call him whenever I need to but he's traveling a LOT, working a LOT and due to how much work I need to do, he's probably not a good choice.

So, I got a temp sponsor when I ran to the AA clubhouse on Monday night. I saw him in a meeting yesterday but we didn't get to talk.

I'm now looking around for a more permanent sponsor.

 

[Coottie]

I'm happy to see you back.

This thread will be a great reminder to many, that chaos is just a drop away.

Thanks man....it's really, really, really good to be back.

It's truly stunning to me how quickly it progressed and how significantly it affected every area of my life and how I almost tore it all down....and how blind I was to all of this.

If I hadn't sat there on Monday and written down all that shit, I would have easily picked another fight in a few weeks/months and been fucking fired.....either that or I would have left the company.

I still might leave the company because I'm not convinced it's not dysfunctional as hell....but if I leave, it's not going to be because of raging alcoholism.

 

[Coottie]

Sponsor status?

Update....just got a new full time sponsor.

He's an old timer that I knew from long ago....26 yrs of sobriety and he's got time to help. They say....get a sponsor that has what you want and ask him to teach you what he did. That's exactly what I did!

Feels good man.

 

[Adom]

that's great news!

 

[Lucky Penny]

Ive missed you so so much baby!! Welcome back <3

 

[Coottie]

Ive missed you so so much baby!! Welcome back <3

Awww LP aww

 

[Coottie]

Hate that the post I had in one of your threads rang true, but it's good that you've recognized it at least.

hmm...not sure I even know what post you're talking about....sorry my memory sucks right now.

 

[{hydro}]

Glad you made it back.

 

[Coottie]

Glad you made it back.

Thanks man....me too.

I'm actually quite relieved.

In all honesty, I was trying my best to fit in as a normal drinker but it just didn't seem like me. I mean I felt goofy a lot and I was kinda sad that all the fun things that I remember from AA were over.

I dunno....it's hard to explain.

I'm just glad I'm back and my disease didn't progress further.

It really is good to be back.

 

[Tree Fiddy]

you gotta remember that you'll never be able to truly defeat your demons once and for all... you gotta constantly confront them daily. the more you confront them, the easier it gets though

 

[deusexaethera]

I'm reminded of a Drive By Truckers lyric: "The booze don't make you do a thing, it just lets ya." It's perhaps an overly romantic view of how alcohol functions, but ultimately, it's your brain that's malfunctioning, not the alcohol. Billions of people drink alcohol and don't lose track of reality. It's just incompatible with your brain chemistry. I don't know whether, for you specifically, it lowers your inhibitions so far you lose all self-control, or whether it fucks up your neural pathways and makes you act differently than you want to, but either way, you have to avoid it. Maybe you should treat it like being severely allergic to something you otherwise enjoy eating -- as much as you want it, you can't because you know it'll hurt a lot more than it was worth.

Also, if by some chance you act like an ass because deep down that's how you really want to act, that's a separate issue that you need to address. It's remotely possible the alcohol itself wouldn't be such a big problem if your instinctive behavior were more in line with what society expects. I'm fortunate in that I can drink until my eyes won't focus and I still act fundamentally like the person my friends expect, but lots of non-alcoholics' behaviors change dramatically when they drink and I think that's because good, mature behavior is something they have to force themselves to do on a conscious level.

 

[Coottie]

you gotta remember that you'll never be able to truly defeat your demons once and for all... you gotta constantly confront them daily. the more you confront them, the easier it gets though

I don't know if I believe this or not....I don't think I do because I've conquered a lot of things that used to fuck with me.

 

[Coottie]

I'm reminded of a Drive By Truckers lyric: "The booze don't make you do a thing, it just lets ya." It's perhaps an overly romantic view of how alcohol functions, but ultimately, it's your brain that's malfunctioning, not the alcohol. Billions of people drink alcohol and don't lose track of reality. It's just incompatible with your brain chemistry. I don't know whether, for you specifically, it lowers your inhibitions so far you lose all self-control, or whether it fucks up your neural pathways and makes you act differently than you want to, but either way, you have to avoid it. Maybe you should treat it like being severely allergic to something you otherwise enjoy eating -- as much as you want it, you can't because you know it'll hurt a lot more than it was worth.

Yeah the allergy thing is something they talk about in the big book.

Also, if by some chance you act like an ass because deep down that's how you really want to act, that's a separate issue that you need to address. It's remotely possible the alcohol itself wouldn't be such a big problem if your instinctive behavior were more in line with what society expects. I'm fortunate in that I can drink until my eyes won't focus and I still act fundamentally like the person my friends expect, but lots of non-alcoholics' behaviors change dramatically when they drink and I think that's because good, mature behavior is something they have to force themselves to do on a conscious level.

Alcoholism is so much more complex and complicated than simply how we act.

It's something that permeates to the very depth of our being.

 

[deusexaethera]

I understand alcoholism is complex, I wasn't trying to suggest it's simple. I was actually trying to suggest an additional complexity that you might not have thought of. If you have to suppress your reflexive behavior on a regular basis to get along in the world -- even if it's happening on an unconscious level at this point -- then that will exaggerate the behavioral effects of even minimal exposure to intoxicants. If it affects people who don't react badly to alcohol on a physiological level, it must affect people who do react badly to alcohol that much worse. It's also a separate issue that would need to be addressed via counseling, to change those reflexive behaviors instead of relying on suppression to keep them in check.

 

[Coottie]

I'm requoting and reresponding to further clarify because I do see more of your point now.

Also, if by some chance you act like an ass because deep down that's how you really want to act, that's a separate issue that you need to address.

That part of my personality has been diminishing as I've aged and seen the effects on others. I don't like acting like an ass....I'm much more inclined to just get quiet when I want to act this way....even with booze. Don't let my posts in OT main fool you or make you think you have an insight into my personality. I'm much different there and there are a lot of times I'm experimenting with different things. It's far from who I am and how I behave IRL. I'm much more myself down here in R2R and The Asylum.

It's remotely possible the alcohol itself wouldn't be such a big problem if your instinctive behavior were more in line with what society expects.

I didn't actually address this in my earlier post but it did "ring a bell" both times I've read it.

See the thing about me is that I'm constantly challenging societal norms both in healthy and unhealthy ways. I'm not a criminal and don't even want to be one....that's not at all what I'm talking about.

In Oklahoma there are very strong opinions about how one should live their lives and how they should think. I've always enjoyed doing things I'm not supposed to do.....simple things like ditching class, testing boundaries and even accepted approaches to ones career and life.

So my instinct is when someone says, "Do this because...." my reply in my head is usually "hmm....we will see about that".

I'm constantly challenging what I believe and how I approach certain situations in life.....I've learned so much about myself by doing this and I find it to be quite rewarding.

Alcohol doesn't exacerbate that nor does it "give me permission". I do that stuff anyways but it's all because I'm gathering data about how I want to live my life.

Alcohol will still be a problem for me because one of the things that I seem to have been born without is an instinctive ability to "live life on life's terms". I'm always, ALWAYS wanting to live life on my terms.

AA helps me keep this behavior pattern in check.

I'm fortunate in that I can drink until my eyes won't focus and I still act fundamentally like the person my friends expect, but lots of non-alcoholics' behaviors change dramatically when they drink and I think that's because good, mature behavior is something they have to force themselves to do on a conscious level.

That's cool that you react that way...even when drunk but I honestly think you're the exception not the norm. Perhaps I'm delusional about that but I've seen many people over the course of my life that simply don't follow your pattern and they aren't alcoholics.

The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality shifts of alcoholics is well documented and many, many people in the rooms of AA can identify with this.....once they sober up and gain perspective. Pretty much all of our loved ones mention this personality shift and are very familiar with the pattern.

For me this personality shift is caused by a number of reasons....some known but others not known. One of the reasons is the frustration that people judge me based on my actions while I judge my actions and me based on my intentions. I can honestly say that alcohol makes me angrier which to me is absolutely caused because of how my body/brain reacts to alcohol.

I understand alcoholism is complex, I wasn't trying to suggest it's simple. I was actually trying to suggest an additional complexity that you might not have thought of. If you have to suppress your reflexive behavior on a regular basis to get along in the world -- even if it's happening on an unconscious level at this point -- then that will exaggerate the behavioral effects of even minimal exposure to intoxicants.

Well I don't think I'm suppressing my reflexive behavior on a regular basis.....even unconsciously. Certainly there are times when I have to consciously do this but not all the time.

The only way I can judge whether I'm doing this on a regular basis or not is by my levels of peace and serenity. If I'm feeling frustrated, restless, irritable and discontent then I'm off balance and I start looking for the root causes of those feelings and work to resolve them. This isn't a normal state for me.....even during my drinking relapse.

It only became my state recently and that's what clued me into the fact that I'm actually responding to alcohol physically much differently than I expected to when I began the experiment. The more I looked at this and the events surrounding my discontent, the more I realized that all of these issues were of my own making....that I was the cause of them all. The more a dwelled on that fact, the more I started to realize that I was off balance.

Then like a light switch.....I had what we call in AA as "a moment of clarity" where I realized that alcoholism is real, that I've got it and that I'm in the middle of an alcoholic relapse. Then I realized that I was in serious trouble and needed to find help IMMEDIATELY or I would fuck up my life significantly!

So I went to the place where I know help exists, where others that have battled with this disease have found help, where others that think like I do and have the same confusing things happen in their lives hang out.....the rooms of AA. Thank god because I'm afraid I would be miserable without the program.

If it affects people who don't react badly to alcohol on a physiological level, it must affect people who do react badly to alcohol that much worse.

Totally agree.

However, there's the whole other side of the disease....the parts of my life that are affected by alcoholism when I'm not even drinking.

That's what a lot of people don't understand. It's not just the times when I'm drinking that are all fucked up....it's also the times when I'm sober. In fact, when I'm in the midst of an alcoholic relapse.....my non-drinking life is so much more fucked up than others it's not even funny.

It's also a separate issue that would need to be addressed via counseling, to change those reflexive behaviors instead of relying on suppression to keep them in check.

Certainly....but as I've stated, I don't feel like I'm suppressing on a regular basis.

 

[Coottie]

told you

You know.....you're a jerk and I'm sick of you.

I've tried to reach out to you and help you with your own alcohol issues.

You were being a jerk in other threads to me and I sent you a PM to discuss the issues but you never replied and instead maintained your crappy attitude towards me.

You're sitting back, sniping me and now smugly saying "I told you so".

You're not helpful to my life nor are you a wanted element of it.

Welcome to my ignore list.

 

[Tree Fiddy]

I don't know if I believe this or not....I don't think I do because I've conquered a lot of things that used to fuck with me.

i quit hard drugs 2 years ago and every once in awhile i get a craving to start doing them again out of nowhere. It just doesn't last as long anymore. Hopefully it's easier for you, and stick with it man. It's worth it.

 

[~stangzorized~]

Hey brother, I'm sad to hear that you relapsed but I'm so glad to hear that you found your way back. Not many can give you advice in here that you haven't heard before but I wanted you to know that you helped me a great deal getting and staying sober. It's been since June 09' since I've had any drugs or alcohol and it's absolutely amazing. Thank you so much, really.

 

[Coottie]

i quit hard drugs 2 years ago and every once in awhile i get a craving to start doing them again out of nowhere. It just doesn't last as long anymore. Hopefully it's easier for you, and stick with it man. It's worth it.

Thanks....I'm sticking with it.

I know that I used to live a really good life back in my early sobriety. I would go to meetings, hang out with others in the program, go to conferences, get involved locally and all that stuff....it was really cool and fun. I miss those days but they're providing motivation because I can do all those things again.

Sobriety can be fun....even if it totally sucks sometimes! lol