The stereotypical: why am I posting this? Most of this was written a few months ago. Psychological trauma fully characterizes my life, from the earliest rememberable memories childhood up until I went away to University. It probably never went away. I was tormented, tortured and abused by my own family and they sent me to schools that kept that humiliating abuse alive. Whether I block out most of my negative experiences or I legitimately forgot them is irrelevant. I am not consciously writing this to seek attention but deep down I know I am doing this for vain reasons. Everything in my life is tremendously impacted by my life in hell. I do not mean that as an example, I mean that literally. Regardless if "Hell" exists or not in a so-called afterlife, I am almost numb to the thought of going there someday because I've already been there. Sure, hypothetically speaking, it could be far worse and much more painful. However, is that the issue? Quantifying one's torment as someone would calculate the loss of their condominium after a ravaging fire? Just because my experience differs from those who may have been sexually molested over and over again make my suffering seem meager? A child who was beaten so severly that they spent much of their childhood with injuries make my story any less repugnant? Does the story of someone who has been belittled everywhere as a child make me a person with a weak backbone? What crosses the threshold from reprimand to abuse? "Time-out" ? The belt? Detention? "Justice Under God" ? Vaginal tearing? Mental illness? Really, who gives a fuck about someone who was abused, get over it faggot. Stop being such a whiny bitch, other people had it way worse and get a fucking job you goddamn deadbeat loser. Does it do any good discussing detailed experiences of your grotesque childhood? Will this make me feel and do better? Will this poorly written shit even help anybody? Did I deserve this for being such a terrible child? Is this some sort of cruel debt that had to be repayed for a previous life? Is this normal? Why so many questions and so little substance? Don't you fuckin' plan the shit you write you fucking moron? Does my writing even follow English writing grammar or sense? Ultimately, it is up to the person to decide for themselves and pass from slave to operator. I can't write a fucking story of what happened to me in my childhood because that shit won't just flow out. Why not just make a list of all my imperfections, a.k.a. weaknesses. I'm stupid, I'm fat, I'm lazy, I'm unlikeable, I'm anorexic, I'm sick, I'm perverted. I'm unloved, I'm disgusting, I'm a loser, I'm a pussy, I'm a bitch, I'm fucking broke as usual, I have no discipline, I have no self -control, I'm a liar, I steal, I cheat, I'm immoral, I'm evil, I'm indecent, I'm a wannabe, I'm slow, I'm ignorant, I'm dirty, I'm smelly, I'm a drug abuser, I'm lonely, I'm depressed, I'm a virgin. There's countless more that I am too stupid to remember. I want, I need, how am I living now? How did I get here? I want this to fucking end. How am I alive? Wow, almost Christmas break and I'll get to finally get a break from all those fucking assholes at school! Assignment: draw a Christmas tree. Should have been draw the blueprint for the Chicago Spire or the Burj Dubai. Get homw, time passes-- who cares? Begin drawing of said tree. Said tree does not have enough detail. I am a glutton for punishment (ohh so many cliched lines, heard so long ago). Begin a new draft. Draft fails again. Begin a 3rd draft or something like it. FAIL. Operation has been terminated. An illegal operation has occurred. OOOhh, like frost chapped skin, give me more, please do! Little boy is gone, little bastard is here. MMMMM, taste of salt, get used to it fag, theres enough to make a bowl of ramen soon enough. WOW! Drawing is done. Most marvelous. Queue school the next day. Wow that's nice! You didn't make that! Teacher hang's up other students work and compliments them even though my tree is far prettier. Teacher knows that the final draft of this tree was not of mine own hands. Bad boy, shame, you are lucky you have the privilege of being at this school. I weep inside. What is love? Baby don't hurt me, no more. Wow, how completely fucked am I? Too bad I wasn't gassed with all the Jews. Please, please kill me. I'm too afraid to die. Where is your god now? Ohh, he works in mysterious ways. Through your pain and sweat we build on you? What? No fucking way, stop being such a self aggrandizing shit. I'm embarassed, I fear, I have no fear, I hate, I rage, I love. Socializing cannont happen. I want a woman according to my animalistic urges but I certainly do not deserve anything as I am the worst thing alive. What a pussy, writing this shit so someone feels sorry for him. Do you know how it feels to not have intimacy? Do you know suffering an torment and agony? Do you know stupid people like me? I feel more than embarassed and ashamed of wanting a bitch (why be deceitful when most men honestly consider them bitches), for more than fucking and never having that. Sure, I've fucked for money and even gotten lucky but thats nothing. I think I;m special, I daydream, I'm a god. But ya rite, I'm a slob. No one to blame but myself. I am the worst piece of humanity, or maybe I;m not even human at all. I dream of girls, dates and the undedog stories. But tHAT'S ALL THEY ARE BUT STORIES. I fail and fail again. Here I go back to jerking off to youporn. Is this a story? What the fuck is this? WIll I get reported? Do people already know? I don't care, but I do. Always full of contradiction. Destined for last. I want to change. If someone finds this they think please kill him. Of course, a waste of space. You have no glimpse of suffering. None at all. Fuck you all. Not true. I do love you. Theres more but I;m too pathetic and weak to say it all. This is something I'm not proud of and the whole world will probably find out someday. Why was I born? My mother indeed almost aborted me, so atleast she says. Probably would have been better if she did. Or if my dad just left me all alone on that hill. Look at the people laughing at this. Well, atleast they mugh be humored. No, just sickened by how vile I am or by my idiocy. I will never be the idyllic man within Western culture. Why should I care though, anyways. Devoid of value, devoid of meaning. Just another psycho. Being abused as a child is bad. Being "tortured" is worsE.R. Ohhnoes, tme for sleep. Why do I write? I deserve to have NOTHING. I am an idiot. Others are surely idiots. This world I have such aspirations for yet seems so hopeless like some kind of dystopic sci-fi novel.