Edit: Hooked up, meaning made out with / felt. Sorry for my New Yorkese. I should have clarified. ========= This weekend was interesting. On Friday my lover hooked up with someone. And things are goood. I'm very impressed with myself. Basically I wanted to know that she could still self-actualize and claim social power and grow as a person - while being in love with me. She definitely can. She went out, dressed to the nines. To give you some context, she is very beautiful, she has a strong personality (laughs a lot, likes people, self-deprecates in order to be "down to earth"), and she moves sexily. Some guy told her he had been too scared to talk to her for four years because she "emanated confidence" and beauty... her breasts have grown too, because of B.C., so that was also good Friday night. This is a complete 180 for me, when in my last LTR, when I had a "girlfriend" and so on, I would get little poisonous feelings if a guy even talked to her. IMO, jealousy comes from fear of loss - for me, at least - so, if I KNOW that she loves me, the jealousy goes away. From the other direction: I care about her and want her to be healthy. It's very difficult for me to explain to you how all of this makes sense because, incredibly, I don't know the words in this language in order to do so. The thing that I'm trying to express is so outside of mainstream "knowledge," as I've encountered, that it doesn't lend itself easily to explanation. For example: I would say that Emily was "reasserting her independence," on Friday, except that, that is not what Friday was about. Friday was about self-actualizing and reasserting societal power. The connotations of "asserting independence" are good... the meaning is inaccurate. Alternately: I would say that Emily was "getting validation" last night - except that the connotations of validation imply something WEAK, and this is something that strengthens. The meaning of validation is good... the connotations are inaccurate. On the down side, this turn of events has brought to my attention the unfortunate reality that although I don't particularly want to, I SHOULD be going out and sarging. Just as .... glamazonning... is important and healthy for Emily, sarging is very good for me. It's what causes growth. ("Sarging" = practicing game, doing pick-up.) I've basically been avoiding it because, like I said, we find it really really nice just lying in bed together eating good food, so it's easy to do that instead of taking the energy to get up and go to a party and (in my case) face social anxiety. I'm a little insecure of sarging in front of Emily because... well... crashing and burning is bound to happen, and I'm not sure how I'd feel with this woman I love being in the audience at the time. It feels unpleasant enough as it is. So, I may not do it with her around. Emily and I talked about this and she suggested it might reduce the discomfort for me if I go sarging with the goal in mind of bringing someone back home for both of us to play with (i.e. a threesome). I have a good track record here of accomplishing social goals, so hopefully I can get this done... and will update you if/when I do. This is the second time I've had to actually put my money where my mouth is in terms of my personal ideology about people. I still hold that if she finds someone who makes her happier than I do, that she should go for him or her. (Of course, I hope I make her happier than some other person, because she makes me very happy. Frankly I think I probably am the person who makes her happiest. That may be arrogant, but we do have a lot of compatibility.) Emily pointed out that if outside contact was jeapordizing what she has with me she wouldn't want to but she would sacrifice it. However, to be honest, I think the lack of unnatural constraints is what makes this so incredible to begin with. Plus... if we can pull this off... That just makes us awesome. An interesting aside, completely unrelated to this, but I wanted to get off my chest: I threw up at a naked party last night. It's the first time I've chucked from social drinking. I just can't fucking believe it. I had a perfect track record all through college. I've thrown up once before, but it was with my family, when I was very naive about liquor. It was a matter of personal pride for me. In between pukes, I was saying "I cant fuggng blv it. Cnt fggng blv it."