These past five years have been tough on me. I wonder when I will ever see the light of day in terms of being happy and actually have something to look forward to everyday. When I make gains, I am only setback. Sometimes I think I will suffer from my earlier days of self-righteousness, "sins," and arrogance. I have done my best to change and I work to improve everyday. All that I hoped and wished for aren't happening for me. What i want is not attained or attained for very long. It is as if what should be happening for me is happening in the reverse direction. I have this feeling i am going to die early and something bad will happen to me. Has anyone else had these sort of prophetic inclinations? I am trying not to turn these thoughts into a self-fulling prophecy, but I have the feeling that I will not be around for very long. I had a dream where I visited a doctor and he told me that I only had seven green cells left. Many of my dreams involve fighting against something. I usually escape from whatever is against me in my dreams, but I don't know if my mind is prepping me for whatever is to come that I will not be able to escape from or what. I am a firm believer in dreams drawing attention to things that the conscious mind cannot process or does not wish to acknowledge. I also believe you can find many truths and revelations in dreams. With that said, It seems like i can never be happy for very long without something fucking me up. I don't mean a regualr "bad day." Freak incidents occur to me and around me all the time and people I invest a lot of my time and heart in are eventually taken from me, they move away, or we are seperated. I feel like I'm being punished and I will die unhappy because it is my fate.