i've been trying to keep track of my 'shifts' as i have been calling them lately. i have been making mental notes as well as written notes when i realize things changing. i figure if i ever see a therapist this might be helpful. i found that for the most part things change when my emotions change. sometimes they change on their own with no emotional causes though. being highly infp doesnt help at all. i live on my feelings and follow my emotions more than logic. having very little control over my wild emotions makes it pretty difficult to do much against them. i have been trying though. i have been trying to understand who i am and what i am very actively for the past year and a half. i don't want therapy. i don't want to talk to anyone who will just want to lock me away. i don't want anyone to tell me how crazy i am. i don't need all that. i don't want drugs. i don't know what i want. i really don't know how to live any other way than how i live now. im actually scared of change. scared of losing parts of myself. everyone in my head and my heart defines me and i wouldnt feel right if i lost any of it. maybe someone who can give me answers or lead me in the right way to get a handle on this. so anyway. the pessimist i go into this extreme depression where death is the only solution to all of my problems. i want to talk to everyone and make them feel sorry for me. i cry nonstop. i can't think straight i cant really see straight all i want is to die. i don't want to leave my room i dont want to talk to anyone that can really help me. i feel extremely sorry for myself and want everyone else to as well. i used to be haunted by this at night and instead of sleeping i would be up all night crying. the teenager i am convinced that i am really a 19 y/o girl named alycia nicole roberts. i have this whole life that i live in my dreams and usually a dream triggers this one. i wake up confused about my surroundings, confused about my body, wondering where my boyfriend and twin sister are. usually i remember who i am after a bit and get mixed feelings about things convincing myself that i am dreaming in this reality. i sometimes see my twin sister reflected in the mirror. i sometimes see her sitting in the passenger seat when i drive. she talks to me and sometimes makes me feel like i have alycia's body and so i act accordingly, even in public. once she asked me to pull over on the interstate and i did and it was right next to a cross stuck in the ground. i also didn't sleep often because i was scared of the dreams. she has suicidal tendencies thinking if she downs a bottle of sleeping pills she can go back to her family and sister in her dreams forever. the optimist she is really happy and really hopeful. knows that everything will be alright if i just keep smiling and loving the world and everyone/everything in it. very strong feelings towards veganism. so strong that it bleeds into everyone else even though they don't know why they are vegan. she used to be the primary personality when i lived with clark. he brought her out a lot. she is usually only around when someone sees her though and lately that's rare. i think she is in love with clark but none of us will admit it. she is strong. very strong. if it wasn't for her i'd have lost it a long time ago. the ditz sometimes i mistake this one for the optimist. she is extremely happy but she doesn't quite know why. she is kinda loopy. she forgets real easily. she'll ask someone their name then ask again in 5 minutes. i really don't like being her. she's so stereotypically female. she likes pink and wants to go shopping. she likes flirting with guys and taking pictures of herself. i'll go to use my camera and find the memory card full of pictures of myself i didnt remember taking or i'll go to my livejournal and see a post with a ton of pictures making me look extremely self absorbed. the protector this person has been around since i was little. when i was 9 or 10 i had an imaginary friend, mikey. i was having a lot of trouble then. my abusive father left after years of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. all the men in my family treated me badly. guys at school would beat me up and hurt me. i needed someone to look out for me and care for me, but i had no friends. so i created one. not sure why he was male seeing how i hated everything male at the time and still kinda do but he would hold me when noone else would. he would protect me from all those men that hurt me and make me go numb from the pain. he would take me out on these amazing adventures and we would even go on dates. most everyone hates me when i'm him. he is kind of an ass at times but he has his own levels of shifting and is sometimes very nice. usually he tries to prove how masculine he is by craving steak and beer and watching sports and talking about cars. the optimist's veganism bleeds through enough to prevent him from eating meat although he has eaten dairy products a few times. i haven't been fully him in a while. but i'm mostly him at work. most of the time while i'm him i'm trying to be the optimist. i desperately want to go back into being her and try to pretend i'm her but i don't think i fool anyone. he always comes out when any of us need protecting. when we have bad news. when we go to work prepared for being picked on all day. when we're scared. he is always there to hold us. to make us numb while he takes over and even though we're kicking and screaming and want to kill him, he is strong enough to hold us back and knows he is only doing it to protect us as he has done for so long. the bitch sometimes i'm so on edge that i just drift into this persona. she really doesn't hate everything but she just has such a low tolerance for anything that bothers her. the simplest thing will make her snap and curse someone out. she doesn't fear any consequence for her actions. she doesn't care. she thinks she knows everything and dares anyone to question her. she's almost gotten me fired several times when i just completely snapped at someone on the phone. everyone is in such awe when this happens because i am normally such a friendly person who would never hurt a fly let alone someone's feelings. the slacker when i'm her, i never want to do anything. i just want to sit in my room and never leave it. i want to occupy all of my time on my computer distracting myself from everything especially my mental condition. everything's fine. it's always fine. i usually end up vegging out on world of warcraft staring blankly at the screen. nothing can get me off the computer. i don't answer my phone. i ignore my mom. i'll purposely piss people off so they leave me alone. those are all the notes i have. i really hope these are just mood changes and everything's normal. sometimes though i don't know. sometimes a shift happens and just overwhelms me. yesterday morning i was the optimist and within about 5 minutes i felt myself just shift straight into the pessimist. i fell apart and couldn't stop crying when 5 minutes before i was hopeful and happy. i went from wanting to live straight to wanting to die. and the feeling was so overwhelming i almost did it. he was there to protect me though and made me numb the best as he can. the slacker joined in and put me on wow and made sure i didn't leave my room not even to go talk to my sister. everyone kinda works together when there's a crisis. i consider them all my best friends. we're always looking out for each other and hopefully one day we can join together to fight the protector. i honestly don't know how we're strong enough to even write this. i guess perhaps he knows that noone can help me. he knows that noone would believe it anyway. i know we're really strong if we act as one but he convinces us we're so weak. he also haunts me with this fear that if people find all this out about me they would leave me. and i've lost so many people i can't bear to lose anyone else. it works for the most part but not today.