LOVE Trouble with GF smoking weed

Tedrzz

New Member
Jul 6, 2005
1,569
Brooklyn, NY
Just to give some insight, we've been dating 10 months now. Before we started dating I knew she smoked, and didn't think I would have a problem with it. After a few months she asked me how I felt about her smoking and I didn't want to tell the truth because I knew it wouldn't be good. I finally told her how I felt. She has still been smoking weed even though I HATE it, and I don't know what to do. All of our fights have always always been about her smoking weed. Besides that we are always in a great mood together.

Her opinion is that she doesn't want to stop smoking because she thinks there is nothing wrong with it. She is really stubborn and feels like the only reason she is going to quit is because of me. Which makes me feel super guilty and like a douche. She has told me she wants to quit because she is an intern teacher at a high school and wants to be a good role model for kids. On the flip side when we talk about it she gets really defensive and tells me the only reason she is quitting is because of me and she hates being told what to do.

My opinion is that she is starting her life (she graduates next month and is going to be a teacher) and it's time for her to grow up, especially because she knows I DESPISE it. I also explained to her that I don't think there is anything wrong with smoking either, just like there is nothing wrong with guys loving to play sports or clean their cars or gamble. But IMO I feel like if it is a huge issue in a relationship that should be enough of a reason to change your habits for the other person. She disagrees.

Here is another hard part of what's going on. I moved to New York in august and she has told me in the past after she got home from moving me to NY she has quit just because she has been so busy with school. She has wrote me letters saying she has quit and she is sorry that we've fought so much about it in the past, and it won't happen again. When I got home last week for Thanksgiving break she told me she has smoked since August. Later I was using the internet on her laptop and found she has been looking at sites about being addicted to weed, and help groups in the town we live in. All of her friends smoke weed. Every time she is around it she talks about it like she needs it and stuff. It just worries me because I feel like if she really has cut back since august then when she is around it now why would she really be talking like that? Then last night we went to bed when her friends were smoking weed. She told me she had to go to the bathroom and then she walked out into the living room going "I can't sleep.." so a few minutes later I get up to go to the bathroom too, and I see her hitting the bong. This just solidifies my fear that she has lied about everything to me.

So I just feel like she is just lying to my face about everything, which makes it even worse. It doesn't help that I live 450 miles from her and it just makes me feel like this whole time she lies to me just so I won't get mad. She has admitted to lying to me about smoking and the reason is because she doesn't want me to get mad.

I really am at a lost of what to do, I've tried everything and it won't help. Honestly I refuse to break up with her, she's just too of an amazing person. That isn't an option. I just want some other insight of what to do? Help:sadwavey:
 

iwishyouwerebeer

you shut your cunt
Sep 1, 2006
31,941
This thread comes up so often. It's the same thing as an SO smoking cigs and the other hating it.

I'm by no means a pothead but I will smoke here and there when friends offer it (my friends are hippies). If my bf told me right now he hated it and wished I'd never smoke again I'd be done :dunno: It'd be that simple for me.

He > Weed

Your gf knows how you feel about it yet she continues to smoke with no remorse and it starts fights. Sounds like she doesn't respect your feelings and would rather do what she wants to do :dunno: That on top of the fact that you guys are in an LDR sounds like it wont last.

If you "refuse" to break up with her over this then consider yourself miserable and stressed for life with her, because she's not going to quit for you. Have fun.
 
TS
TS

Tedrzz

New Member
Jul 6, 2005
1,569
Brooklyn, NY
That's the problem I have with it. I feel like it's more important than me. Honestly though I know it's going to end some day when she wakes up and realizes it's not worth it. This fall she is moving to NY with me so I know it's going to end some day, but right now I want some extraneous advice as to what to do...
 

iwishyouwerebeer

you shut your cunt
Sep 1, 2006
31,941
That's the problem I have with it. I feel like it's more important than me. Honestly though I know it's going to end some day when she wakes up and realizes it's not worth it. This fall she is moving to NY with me so I know it's going to end some day, but right now I want some extraneous advice as to what to do...
Oh denial....such a funny thing.
 

vodkacollins

New Member
Apr 2, 2008
1,777
CdM, CA
you are trying to change who she is, you need to either accept it or break up with her.

i dated a guy who smoked pot. i hated it. i wanted himto quit. it was the base for all of our fights. i was always trying to change him to be a non-smoker and he was always trying to change me to be someone who is ok with the smoking. what i finally learned was that neither of us should be trying to change the other. instead, we should break up and find someone who was what we wanted

my serious advice: break up with her now. i dont care that everything else is great (it was for me too), the fact is there is a huge issue that you feel opposite about and neither of you should have to change for the other
 

vodkacollins

New Member
Apr 2, 2008
1,777
CdM, CA
That's the problem I have with it. I feel like it's more important than me. Honestly though I know it's going to end some day when she wakes up and realizes it's not worth it. This fall she is moving to NY with me so I know it's going to end some day, but right now I want some extraneous advice as to what to do...

it is more important than you, its part of who she is, and you knew this going in

and what if it doesnt end some day? if she really wants to, she can continue smoking forever
 

iwishyouwerebeer

you shut your cunt
Sep 1, 2006
31,941
you are trying to change who she is, you need to either accept it or break up with her.

i dated a guy who smoked pot. i hated it. i wanted himto quit. it was the base for all of our fights. i was always trying to change him to be a non-smoker and he was always trying to change me to be someone who is ok with the smoking. what i finally learned was that neither of us should be trying to change the other. instead, we should break up and find someone who was what we wanted

my serious advice: break up with her now. i dont care that everything else is great (it was for me too), the fact is there is a huge issue that you feel opposite about and neither of you should have to change for the other

it is more important than you, its part of who she is, and you knew this going in

and what if it doesnt end some day? if she really wants to, she can continue smoking forever
.
.
.
.
.

 

StellaNera

i see this as two fold.

one she should not have lied to you.

two this is partially your fault.

you knew she smoked before dating, you with held the truth when she first asked you.

ive never had a problem w. weed as to me its no different then alcohol or cigs... actually its probably not as bad for you then those two.

however people who would qualify as potheads do annoy me. not bc its weed but bc they let a substance run their lives.

then again i could never date anyone who lets a substance run their lives (weed, alcohol, even food).

i doubt she will ever quit. you either have to move on now or learn to deal w. it.
 

vodkacollins

New Member
Apr 2, 2008
1,777
CdM, CA
She does NOT value you. If she cared about you, she would quit smoking. Supposedly weed is not addictive, but even if she was on an addictive drug, you can get help.

Honestly go find someone else, you will quickly realize it is almost impossible to change someone.

what if the TS had blond hair and his gf decided that she only wanted to date guys with brown hair. would the TS have to change his hair color to prove he cared about her? or should his gf accept the fact that he had blond hair when they started dating and she was ok with it then.

you cant change people, or make them change. her not quitting sucks, but that doesnt mean she doesnt care about him.
 

macbook bro

all other things being equal you are way better off with a weed smoking gf than one that doesn't, imo
 

HouseLing

When masturbations lost its fun you'r fucking lazy
Feb 9, 2002
9,275
SoCal
You knew she smoked when you started going out with each other. It's your fault for wanting to change her 10 months into the relationship.
 

macbook bro

threadstarter you're fucked though, chick isn't going to quit for you, the best you're going to get is her to lie and say she doesn't do it anymore and hide it from you
 

vodkacollins

New Member
Apr 2, 2008
1,777
CdM, CA
ive found that many people who smoke weed also happen to be more relaxed, easier going people

might be the case with some, but i wouldnt say that he is better off having a gf who smokes when he doesnt like it.

my ex who smoked actually was not more relaxed cause he was always looking to smoke again and was anxious for that
 

Arkaybee

Active Member
Jul 9, 2008
11,760
This is the place
Part of being in a relationship means helping eachother become better people. If you are trying to help her become a better person but she wants nothing to do with it, then you should find someone that wants to grow WITH you and help the both you become better people.
 

Eurostaunch

New Member
Oct 5, 2008
215
If you don't think anything is wrong with smoking than why do you hate it so much? Her smoking has nothing to do with you. The problem is you being a douchebag over something not causing any serious harm.

Why is it that you have such a problem with her smoking?
 

Memor

Active Member
Jun 22, 2006
72,786
NYC
then get over it. its part of who she is, so take all of her.

:werd:

My GF quit smoking cigs for me. She'll still have one or two if we go out and she has a few drinks (if one of our friends has cigs on them); I could be a tightass and bitch about it and make a fuss, or I could loosen the hell up and not let it bother me. I do the latter. Her doing that doesn't affect anything in either of our lives - so why should I be the one to gestapo it? Sounds like you don't even have that big a problem with it. Move forward.
 
TS
TS

Tedrzz

New Member
Jul 6, 2005
1,569
Brooklyn, NY
i agree that being in a relationship is about helping yourself grow as a person. she has told me flat to my face that she is thankful for making her a better person. her last boyfriend was a huge stoner so she was always exposed to it, and i think she values my sobriety. i rarely drink and she loves that about me, so i know she wants to drink and smoke less deep down inside. i guess i'm still not convinced that wasting a very fufilling and loving relationship is the best option. i think a deeper issue is that she has a problem with being told what to do, so me telling her that i don't like her smoking makes her want to do it even more.

bottom line is that i love her to death and that isn't going to change. i just want to find an option to help her stop smoking.
 
TS
TS

Tedrzz

New Member
Jul 6, 2005
1,569
Brooklyn, NY
If you don't think anything is wrong with smoking than why do you hate it so much? Her smoking has nothing to do with you. The problem is you being a douchebag over something not causing any serious harm.

Why is it that you have such a problem with her smoking?

Before I told her I hate it when she smokes she acted completely different around me when she smoked. After I told her my real feelings she would act super weird around me and would make comments that were very very hurtful like "Why don't you go back to your ex girlfriend? She doesn't smoke weed, you should just date her instead of me." Now when she does it, it just changes her personality all together and that isn't the person I fell in love with. I fell in love with the sober girl.
 

XERQ

Before I told her I hate it when she smokes she acted completely different around me when she smoked. After I told her my real feelings she would act super weird around me and would make comments that were very very hurtful like "Why don't you go back to your ex girlfriend? She doesn't smoke weed, you should just date her instead of me." Now when she does it, it just changes her personality all together and that isn't the person I fell in love with. I fell in love with the sober girl.

It's not her fault you didn't tell her how you felt from the beginning. She never kept anything from you, you're being very closeminded by only thinking about yourself when in reality you should be thinking about her trust issues with you.

My current gf went to the Philippines for a month and came back telling me how much her and her friend drank. I told her I felt uncomfortable with her drinking a lot, and told her how it reminded me of sorority girls who would drink and make asinine decisions. Ever since then, she drinks very little. For her birthday a few months ago, I got her a nice $80 bottle of wine. Suffice it to say, I still have the bottle with a quarter left. The point is, she took my apprehensions to heart because I told her in the beginning what I felt about it.

You might not be able to salvage anything
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Users who are viewing this thread

About Us

  • Please do not post anything that violates any Local, State, Federal or International Laws. Your privacy is protected. You have the right to be forgotten. Site funded by advertising, link monetization and member support.
OT v15.8.1 Copyright © 2000-2022 Offtopic.com
Served by fu.offtopic.com

Online statistics

Members online
377
Guests online
64
Total visitors
441

Forum statistics

Threads
369,788
Messages
16,920,133
Members
86,876
Latest member
ddunn9448