Alright, I guess I danced around this issue long enough in my personal life, I may as well ask here for advice. A few years ago I was depressed, I went on meds, I stopped and now I'm kind of at that point again. My problem is really that after being depressed I haven't been the same at all, I am incredibly unsure about everything I do, I take no chances, I risk nothing, I do nothing. And this is starting to make me depressed again. Even ordinary mundane tasks I second guess myself, driving, may as well have a heart attack I'm paying so much attention to what I am doing and second guessing every decision, should I lane change?!? God damn is this stupid but I do it. The thing is I really second guess myself on things that I know I am good at, I could tear apart a car and put it back together, but even turning a few bolts at work has me thinking I forgot something, missed something, or just plain fucked up, even if I know that I didn't. And this is just plain stupid, I spend most of my day on a forklift and if I can manage to let my mind wander I am fine, if I think about what I am doing I second guess all of it, I can't get back to how I was, feeling natural about a lot of things, especially what I know for a fact I am good at. I did manage to ignore this for a long time, but it's really getting to me now, I see my life going nowhere and panic when I think of how to change it, or better it in anyway thinking I'll screw it up. I have talked to friends and they do what they can, tell me what I am good at, how I need to relax etc. But I can't and their advice just brushes off, not because I don't respect their opinoion but because I just plain old don't believe them at all about any of it. Logically it makes sense that I should, because they mention things that I know I am good at, or can do, but some little bastard voice in the back of my head tells me I am wrong, they are wrong. I would have probably let compliments boost my ego in a way before, but now I try to ignore them as best I can, if I do not think I did a good job then why would someone else? Guess that ties in with being highly critical of myself. I wont even touch relationships, been in some, had some rough times. I took some badly, and for the wrong damn reasons... However I do not think that is it, but if I do not have any confidence in anything that I do a relationship is out of the question. I question myself about something as simple as driving, asking someone out? Screw that. Besides I should probably get my life together first, be happy with myself before I try to do anything in this regard. Yes they help, but that is a crutch if I can not even live with myself at the moment, I don't want to do that to anyone, I need to figure this out, I want to, I have to... It could get my mind off this all, or make me a nervous wreck, may as well avoid these for the time being. I even went so far as to talk with my mom, I talk to her once a year, christmas... And I called her up and talked for a good long while, then she came out and visited, and she personally thinks I may be finally realizing that my dad abandoned his family probably... 10 years ago now? Left when she filed for divorce, didn't check on us, didn't talk to us, left completely. Now I do resent him for that and while I may have wanted to kill him a few years ago I really do not care now, I might hit him, but that's about it. I do not know if she is right, but it's possible. Think it's possible that 10 years after the fact I finally let this fact settle in? Maybe I'm beating myself up in the "hope" that it was all my fault and that's why he left and never wanted to talk to us? It's possible but I still doubt it. Had a female friend suggest something she did, write out all that I think about him and want to tell him and put it in an envelope, even if I do not send it I got it out, but I see this as shifting blame, even if I want to do it I don't know. She said it helped, but I am still doubtful... Really I think my best bet is to talk to a psychologist, I looked them up, and can afford them, although health care will cover some I think. But does anyone know if they really are worth it? I have problems, a huge problem, and if they can help that would be great. However I do not want to shift blame to anyone, I want to face this and kick it's ass, but that little fucking voice in the back of my head is stopping me, I want to squash it once and for all. Doing things that I know I am good at doesn't help because I want to think I could have done better, perfect if you will. And even if I do I still have that voice there for some damn reason, it's always there, not a "voice" but just a sense that I screwed up or could have done better. I don't know if you guys will get what I mean exactly, but if I try to do something I either have to half ass it to an extreme or do perfect, no inbetween at all. We did safety certification at work not long ago, got 100% on one test, 96% on the other, kicked my ass over it even if it was better than anyone else did, how do you just go back to accepting your best for what it is? If I even attempt it I get jittery and have to go fix it, I don't like to leave things half assed. Which is funny because I have screwed up so much in my life, probably in an attempt to not try so I wouldn't fail. So I've spent the last 4 years or so of my life doing a whole lot of nothing, don't try and you wont fail, right? I need to change that, I'm good at most anything I attempt, and not dumb by any means, I just don't have the motivation to try and better myself. Damn this seems like such a stupid problem, but it will get to me if I don't deal with it. Either kill myself or go back on meds, and it's not something that I could have dealt with on meds before, because it wasn't there, I was cocky and arrogant before. Now I am hesitant, and afraid of anything and that really scares me in a way. Turned to alcohol to help deal with it for the time being, I am a happy drunk but I don't think this will last too long, I think I may really have to go back on effexor and I don't want to do that, I was a blank shell on that stuff and while it helped I hope to avoid that again... So I'm asking for help, any advice, any tips, push me in the right direction, tell me to go see a psychologist, something, anything. I need it. Don't worry about the kill myself comment, it's just the point that I got to when I went on effexor the first time, gun in hand, note written out, figured fuck it and went to the doctor and got on effexor the same day. I do not want to get there ever again, dragging yourself up from that is brutal, no one should have to do that, I don't want to do that again. I'm not at that point, but I can see myself getting there again. When you get to the point that you think that little of your life to even think that through seriously it's a rough place to pull yourself out of without a ton of help, I don't know how well I could do it a second time, don't want to make the attempt either. Might suck it up and go talk to my doctor again, I avoided their attempts to send me to councilling the first time I went to them for depression, wonder if they can suggest something, other than meds.