LOVE Vag Crew: School me on how to deal with jealousy

MissKitty

If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum'
OT Supporter
Jun 21, 2004
53,344
Dingoland
So, I am expecting a few I told you so's. Okay, I lie, not a few a lot :wtc:

One thing has lead to another in my life and my husband finally told me that my request for him to not look at porn is probably a large cause of guilt which is what he believes has lead to depression (YAY GO ME) and he wants to be free to look at porn whenever he wants and 'perve' on other women.

Of course when he told me he made it clear he wasn't interest in running out and downloading a shit load of porn, just wanted to feel like he wasn't doing anything wrong.

Guess what he's done? Done nothing but watch and read porn for the last week and jack off every day because of it. Which makes me feel just super fine and dandy and crap :run:

So take my normal issues with this behaviour and how it seems to have exploded in my face and I'm not feeling particularly secure in myself lately.

I don't want 'just get over it's' I genuinely want assistance in finding a way to become 'okay' with this because I don't really see any other options available to me. I could eat myself alive with self doubt but where the fuck will that get me other than curled up in the shower crying :o
 

D7

OT Supporter
Dec 20, 2008
6,406
For men, masturbation and sex are like eating and drinking. Both have to happen. So you're asking him not to eat but he can drink. I get that it feels personal but you're biologically different and you expect his biology to be like yours and that's unrealistic.

A man's masturbation goes into the gray area or crosses the eating and drinking analogy when there's nothing left for you. That's a reasonable and healthy boundary.
 

GammaRadiation

Well-Known Member
Feb 15, 2007
29,256
Random Location.FL
For men, masturbation and sex are like eating and drinking. Both have to happen. So you're asking him not to eat but he can drink. I get that it feels personal but you're biologically different and you expect his biology to be like yours and that's unrealistic.

A man's masturbation goes into the gray area or crosses the eating and drinking analogy when there's nothing left for you. That's a reasonable and healthy boundary.
:rofl: no.

If you stay on my dick I will not masturbate. But we're talking sex once a day if we're excessively busy. Minimum of twice if not.
 

JohnJohnJohnson

Effetely Sipping My Latte
OT Supporter
Sep 8, 2004
22,789
Manhattan
For men, masturbation and sex are like eating and drinking. Both have to happen. So you're asking him not to eat but he can drink. I get that it feels personal but you're biologically different and you expect his biology to be like yours and that's unrealistic.

A man's masturbation goes into the gray area or crosses the eating and drinking analogy when there's nothing left for you. That's a reasonable and healthy boundary.
That is a good description. :werd: Porn is its own thing.

Shouldn't interfere with actual sex though
 

Dahlia

Active Member
Feb 12, 2008
27,405
Lexington, KY
I do understand how you are feeling, when I was younger I felt like it was a huge betrayal and that men felt differently about it then they really do.

Reading what other men have to say has helped a lot, because I have realized that porn is just porn.... and that and jerking off really have way different feelings(or none at all) compared to sex with you. It's just kinda something they do, and porn helps facilitate that.

There are some people that are legitimately addicted and I'd prob be a little miffed that he went on a week long bender of it... but I guess just wait and see if it tapers off.
 

GammaRadiation

Well-Known Member
Feb 15, 2007
29,256
Random Location.FL
He may have also done that to make a point.

But seriously if you live together and you find out he's wacking why not just join him? Wayyy hotter and fulfills those walk in porn fantasies he has. :rofl:
 

Jennipher

Dontcha know
OT Supporter
Jul 18, 2004
133,407
Minnesota
I used to have a problem with porn and thought it was insecurity on my part. I realized after years of being pissed off that it had nothing to do with my husband looking at porn, but rather, feeling like he was choosing porn over me.

From your post, I am deducing that you are in a similar position. It probably isn't that you're such an insecure or jealous person - you want to come first in your marriage which is normal and healthy.

Of course most men are going to look at porn. Some will be open and honest about it, some will go through great lengths to hide it if they think their spouse is against it.

I explained to my husband that I am okay with him looking at porn, so long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life and he's not doing it all of the time. As soon as he realized I meant this, the issues with porn stopped. I think when he felt I was against him looking it made it more exciting perhaps? I think he also realized that he's not being a good husband or lover to me if he is using up all of his energy there and I'm getting the scraps of what is left.

Anyway, just a thought based on my own personal experience. I think when you see porn as something coming between your relationship you're more bound to feel resentful, and yes perhaps even jealous of it.
 

martial_tehee

New Member
Jun 11, 2011
273
@MissKitty: Sorry about your troubles. Are you not interested in porn yourself? Why or why not?

I assume a level of curiosity toward porn would be essential to a compatible sexual relationship for me. Women who watch porn are so fucking hot, they could give Shyla Stylez a run for her money. :x:
 
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Deborah

Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.
Aug 21, 2008
3,633
For men, masturbation and sex are like eating and drinking. Both have to happen. So you're asking him not to eat but he can drink. I get that it feels personal but you're biologically different and you expect his biology to be like yours and that's unrealistic.

A man's masturbation goes into the gray area or crosses the eating and drinking analogy when there's nothing left for you. That's a reasonable and healthy boundary.

No man can take porn away from me and I'm a woman. :dunno: Luckily for me, most guys don't mind their girl watching porn though they might get a little bit jealous.
 

Falconer

Well-Known Member
Jun 23, 2006
65,534
In for discussions.

I've had gfs do everything from tell me not to look at porn to watching it with me.
 

GammaRadiation

Well-Known Member
Feb 15, 2007
29,256
Random Location.FL
In for discussions.

I've had gfs do everything from tell me not to look at porn to watching it with me.
I discovered the 40oz bounce watching porn with a fuck buddy. She also fucked me like a porn star and I loved it.

If you want to know what it is, google it. If you find the scooby doo parody, watch it. Hi-fucking-larious.
 

THoC

Well-Known Member
Feb 5, 2007
7,349
even when im having sex regularly i still get the urge to jack off sometimes.
when i do i watch porn bc im a visual person.
dont take it personally unless he is declining sex with you but watching porn.

it's as simple as understanding that most men simply masturbate.
 

infinite.purple

Active Member
Oct 26, 2007
14,892
Bothell, WA
what is it about him watching porn that makes you feel jealous/insecure? do you worry that he is comparing you to other women or doesn't find you as attractive? are you concerned that he's bored in the bedroom and would rather masturbate than have sex with you? i think determining exactly why it bothers you so much is the first step in finding a solution.

i feel like the porn/masturbation bothered me more in relationships where i didn't feel loved and appreciated.
 

Amanda Ann

New Member
Jan 31, 2007
13,996
FL
No advice other than watch him with it. Just realize that porn doesn't have the emotional tie to him that it does you. To him, porn is just an outlet to enhance the masturbation process, which is just that, masturbation. Most men don't have the emotion tied to sex like (most) women do.
 

Diesel66

OT Supporter
Feb 20, 2005
134,466
Kc
Honestly I'd rather she not watch porn with me. I have done that with ex gfs, and it was more a laugh track instead of enjoying it. I really dont care if you think shes faking it, or whatever
 

Falconer

Well-Known Member
Jun 23, 2006
65,534
Honestly I'd rather she not watch porn with me. I have done that with ex gfs, and it was more a laugh track instead of enjoying it. I really dont care if you think shes faking it, or whatever

Agreed.

(Altho the chicks will say "she's faking it" because they're jealous/intimidated).

Then again, a lot of chicks fake it in porn, which is why I prefer amateur porn. Can I get a "hell yeah!"?
 

Viper

Livin' la vida scrotum
Sep 22, 2004
76,571
In a van down by the river
Consider that your husband may just be a very visual person.

I wrestled for years with the idea of porn...back when I was a christian, of course, the fact that I was watching porn meant how extremely sinful I was. Glad I got away from that shit. :mamoru:

Then, in my marriage, I hid it (even though my ex never explicitly expressed a dislike of my doing), and thought for the longest time that I was so addicted to porn that it ruined my marriage and my desire for my wife.

Just recently, after a sex session that was kind of lackluster for me, it dawned on me that I like porn (sometimes even more than sex) not because there is something wrong with me, but because I am a visual person who hasn't had any sexual partners who was into performing more visually for me. I've always joked with my partners about having them dress up as Wonder Woman and shit like that, not realizing that I really *would* like that.

At the end of the day, I'm realizing, that my next partner is going to have to have a thing for dressing up...anything from uniforms and role-play, sexy lingerie (I LOVE garters!), and any other "showy" types of sexy outfits. And I enjoy it more when there's clothes left on rather than being totally naked.

It took me a long time to finally understand why porn was always more appealing to me than the real thing, but now that I know, I can be more aware to look for partners who hold a very visual sexual appeal for me, who enjoy quick rounds of sex (rather than marathon sessions), and all the other little aspects of what I *prefer* with a sexual partner.

I mention all of that to get you thinking that his love of porn probably has very little to do with you and more to do with his style.

What can you do? Try asking him what types of porn he is into and try role-playing some of the aspects of it (especially the visual part). If you discover, for instance, that your husband is into like cop uniforms or something, then try that.

A common mistake women make is thinking that guys just want to get their nut and think that guys are happy with sex, even if you're just lying there being a wet hole for him when you don't feel like it.

lex-luthor-wrong.jpg
 

Falconer

Well-Known Member
Jun 23, 2006
65,534
A common mistake women make is thinking that guys just want to get their nut and think that guys are happy with sex, even if you're just lying there being a wet hole for him when you don't feel like it.

Just about every woman I've had this discussion with shares this misconception.

edit - some guys don't care. I'm talking in a relationship setting.

edit 2 - also agree that chicks who are into dressing up in bed are :bowdown: And most of the time most of the lingerie stays on :h5: While I'm not into uniforms so to speak, skirts, lingerie, thigh highs, and heels, etc are all yes please:wackit:
 
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Jennipher

Dontcha know
OT Supporter
Jul 18, 2004
133,407
Minnesota
A common mistake women make is thinking that guys just want to get their nut and think that guys are happy with sex, even if you're just lying there being a wet hole for him when you don't feel like it.
Makes sense. I know I wouldn't want to receive pity fucks from my husband and know he's not into it. If I am not in the mood, I just turn him down and suggest he go whack off. :o :rofl:
 

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