I was raped when I was 13 (I can't believe I just typed that...) I've only ever told my best friend and my current SO. For the past 12 years its been my dirty secret. I don't talk about it, I don't think about it- I ignore it as much as possible, but lately those memories are finding me at really inopportune times. I've been thinking about going to counseling, but I'm so afraid. I feel like its going to be this huge horrible process. Last time I was in therapy was for my eating disorder, I was 20 years old. I quit going because I was so sad all the time and I was constantly consumed by all the things we were talking about in therapy- I actually felt better when I didn't go. I know I was just ignoring my feelings, but at least I was able to get through the day. I was too afraid to tell the therapist about when I was 13. She never knew. The only reason this is coming up now is because about 4 weeks ago, I physically attacked my SO for the 2nd time. I was standing in his room, leaned up against a bookcase. We were joking around and he leaned forward to tickle me. I panicked. I loudly told him to stop and suddenly, I was on top of him- had him pinned to the ground, one knee in his chest, the other in his stomach and my hands digging into his face, screaming for him to get off of me. Dark, I'm not exaggerating when I tell you I don't know what happened. One second I was standing, the next I was on him, shoving his face in the floor. It was like a reflex. Before I knew what was happening, it was over- I don't even remember how I got on top of him. I got up, ran out of the house and left. I cried the entire hour ride home, not because I felt bad, but because I was so scared. I had no reason to be, but I felt terrified. I called him the next day and apologized about a million times. He said he wasn't mad, just concerned about me. We haven't talked about it since and he doesn't know I've been thinking about therapy. The first incident was about a year and a half ago and it was a very similar situation. I'm not a violent person, I'm generally not even an angry person- I can hardly believe I did that to him. I've never acted that way toward anyone before- but I've never been this close to anyone either. I feel like I don't even know what I'm capable of anymore. I don't really know what advice I'm looking for or what question I need answered- I guess I just needed to vent. I haven't told anyone else about this. I don't want this to ever happen again. I want to get this worked out- but I'm so afraid of going to therapy, deciding I can trust a stranger enough to discuss all this face to face and then having to work it all out. Talking about stupid eating disorder stuff was horrible enough last time, I don't know how I'm going to make it through this time.