Kill myself, I'm afraid. It seems like this is just for attention but the anonymity is making me do this. I've never been so afraid for myself, I've never been that close before. I just saw everything flash before my eyes and I saw myself lying on the floor falling asleep for one last time. It wouldn't hurt, the shock and numbness would've just made everything really hot,, i'd put towels on the floor and die quitely and alone and I know I'd be happy during all of it. I wasn't thinking about others, I wasn't thinking about who would mourn me or there after. My friends and family would be shocked and surprised, especially my friend raphael looking back on today. He saw me in such a good mood. I just came back from the gym and went into the bathroom to pee when a sense a calmness came over me and thought those thoughts. I honestly don't know what stopped me, it wasn't thinking about my friends and family, it was thinking that I had hope or something to look foward to. It wasn't faith based, it wasn't the fear of death or my human instinct to survive. The will to live had been broken at that second and if I had reached into the pants right next to me and took out a really sharp box cutter I would've ended it all but instead I stumbled back and saw OT on the screen and decided to type this but not before bursting into tears (which I haven't done in years) by the second paragraph and taking a shower. I'm fine now I think, but ironic how I was so against suicide and was absolutely ready to do it and accept that I am a coward. now what?