a buddy of mine just asked me for my opinion. he has been dating his girl for 3 yrs. over the past 2 yrs his gf has put on gradual weight. to the point now that he no longer finds her attractive. he has tried the following approaches... bought himself and her a gym memebership. no dedication from her. bought a his/her bike. she does not use it. stopped eating "bad" foods around her so that she is not tempted during a few failed diets. well... he has come to the point that he no longer finds her attractive and has no interest in sleeping w. her. he has thought about breaking it off. i told him he did everything he could do and that he should dump her. he does not want to come across as being superficial or look like an asshole. i see nothing wrong w. it... he tried all he could and she does not care enough about herself or him to change. what do you guys think?
That's sad. We've had this kind of thread before and the funny thing is we have always suggested the things your friend has tried with his gf and unfortunately had no luck with....I personally don't feel your friend is superficial though; Attraction is not something you can force. It'd be one thing if he wanted to dump her without talking to her or even trying to help her, but the fact is she has to want to change. I have to ask this even though I have a feeling you'll say yes-has your friend actually talked to her about this weight gain....or has he just done these things and never mentioned why and hoped she'd get the point?
he tried the soft approach first and it did not sink in. he came to me w. what to do and i told him he has to be upfront w. her... again he hesitated bc he did not want to seem like a pig but i finally talked him into it. it did not work. she basically turned it into a "you are superficial", "you dont love me, if you did you would not care", "i would not care if you gained weight" and so on.
Ouch. Well if he's really tried to talk to her and she sadly turns to just being upset and defensive I guess the choice is ultimately in his hands Do you know this girl pretty well yourself? What do you think about her weight gain-is it pretty noticeable? I'm always curious when I read these threads just how much the person gained supposedly.
yeah it is noticeable. i may be the wrong person to ask this to though bc im very picky w. weight. i only find taller/thin girls attractive enough to date. however even trying to be partial i can tell you its prety bad. id say she went from 130ish to about 160ish and she is 5'4"-5'5" and she does not carry it well.
i think part of him hates the idea of dumping her bc he loves her and he has been w. her for such a long time. but i really see no other option. you cant really enjoy life being w. someone you do not find attractive.
Wow, yeah. Does your buddy know why she gained weight? I know this is weird because you're not him but has he mentioned maybe that she's gained weight due to depression or getting on a medication or something?
the loss is hard and something she has to do for herself. If she doesn't care about her body and keeping/getting in shape (or at least trying), then she can't care for him and what she's losing. He's tried all the ways to get her to be what she was and what he found attractive. if she's not goign to meet him half way and TRY then it's already over. I know this from personal experience. both my bf and I are fat asses, and we commited to lose weight and did it before... slowly the weight cam back as we got complacent and lax and it sucks because we really care for each other but the lust and physicallity gets diminished by the lack of attraction. So we're back in the gym. We're together and our relationship os stronger as we work towards our common goal of better health and weight loss and teh added bonus of being hot and sexy next summer for each other in bathing suits. But again, if she's not willing to try, after all that he's invested to help her, then it's a lost cause.
this is such a touchy thing in a relationship. being it's a LTR, it's even harder cause you've been with the person so long. if he feels he wants to break up with her, then eh, that's his choice but he should really discuss his terms of leaving with her if she doesn't change. it's only fair. but then this has me thinking...if this was a really LTR, and the man and woman were married...what would happen? i'm not talking like gaining 75+ pounds, but what if a woman gained 20lbs and she thought she looked fine while the hubby was no longer attracted to her? would he consider divorce? i look at that as selfish and non-committed. people obviously change in appearance as they age, etc (whether that be weight, boobs sagging, men bald, etc) ; are these going to be the deciding factors in whether we love someone or not. would someone divorce someone because their boobs sag or they get a wrinkle?
I'm glad this thread came up because I was just thinking about this early today.. as in what would I do if I was ever in that situation. I think he's exhausted a lot of his options and having a serious talk with her is the final option. I can't imagine how hard it is to tell someone that you're no longer physically attracted to them. I can only hope that my girlfriend would never let herself go like that (if it's not due to medication or something else). If she tries to turn things around on him he can obviously do his part to argue against it but if she has no desire to change then it sounds like a lost cause.
If it were a marriage i'd send them both to counseling and to the gym. A marriage then has teh added commitment and you are supposed to accept teh chages of age, and a weight gain is ok over 20 years but Not 30lbs in 3 years... Also the love in a commited married relationship should also be one of friendship and trust and tehy have to work together to be the best for each other.. But it's not a marriage and he's just not feeling it anymore after trying to get her to get healthy and lose the weight, she's not even trying...
he said it is not bc of medication.... he is not sure about depression. nothing that he can see as far as depression but when he approaches the subject of the weight in any way she goes off on him. he is trying to find the reasons, has talked to her, and has tried to help but no luck. i should have him read this thread to see im not the only one that thinks he has done his part.
but soon he will get tired and either stay inteh relationship and cheat, or Break it off in an angry fashion that will hurt them both further....
I know this as i felt the same... I've alwasy been big but how i gained my weight back was just a shitty response to stress and depression. And sometimes you really don't need much of a reason to just slide down and let it slip. and as we age it just gets harder... but it doesn't mean you stop trying...
I honestly believe that shows lack of respect for her body, lack of care about herself, sex and attraction. I don't get how you can be so nonchalant about your health and well being. IME weight gain like that is connected to other issues (depression, laziness) and that core problem (being sad, being lazy, whatever) generally spills over into other aspects of the persons life. I would probably cut things off with my boyfriend if he became fat I would not feel shallow for doing so. I would also break up with him if he started smoking a pack a day for the same reasons.
It seems like it would be over even if she did commit to change after a serious talk. If she is unwilling to change for herself, if she changes for him its only begrudgingly and she'll probably resent him.
By any chance this isn't the same guy who posted a thread about this in the Asylum a few months back is it?
She might of just for some reason let herself go 
That's sad though, always an awkward situation.