first some background: some of you may recall me sharing some information about an ex of mine, one that I never really got over. One that even after only a decade was I able to get some closure, move along and be happy for her. covered/dumped part of the story here: http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=1412630&page=3&highlight=ryebread she and I have become friends again. We talk, or txt probably once or twice every 10 days or two weeks or so. I know that I love my wife, and that I couldn't bare the thought of being a part time dad to our two kids. I know that I also couldn't bare the thought of making my wife a part time mother. I have come to grips with the fact that I also love "Jody" - always have. Always will. I have come to grips with the fact that she's not mine, and never will be again. Sorta used to not getting/having what I want on many levels in my life, especially when the logical part of my mind and heart know that such wants are "wrong". Yesterday, "Jody" txted me, and said that she had something to say to me, but feared whether she could say it or not. "ruh roh shaggy". I immediately picked up the phone, and called her. She blurted out, very quickly that she feared how much she looked forward to talking with me. She also feared how much she missed me when we weren't talking. so many conflicting emotions. For the next 10 minutes or so, she was very quiet, while I explained my feelings, and my intentions. She knows that I love her. That I never stopped. She also knows that I won't allow either of us to destroy each other's lives, each other's marriages, or make each other part time parents. She knows that we can't allow each other to tempt each other to put ourselves in a situation where we are alone together. I also pointed out that some higher power is essentially helping us out with guarding our respective selves against this temptation. She recently got a new job, she now works at the same hospital as her husband. Her schedule is much more frantic/busy. As is mine. Additionally I'll be travelling on business a couple of times in the next few weeks - meaning that even the very brief conversations about nothing and everything that we have will taper off - at least for a while. I guess I'm not really looking for advice, or comments, just needed to get this off my chest. Even now, replaying the conversation, and looking at this text I'm not really sure of what I feel. So many conflicting emotions. I'm convinced now, more than ever - had we reconnected 2-3 years ago, each of us would have divorced our respective spouses. We may have even married each other - but it wouldn't have lasted long - we'd have resented each other for making the other part time parents, and all of the stuff we would have "given up". Yet, I also can't help but wonder "what if". Not in an obsessive/compulsive way, hard to splain I guess. Probably just me being over analytical, and having too much spare time on my hands to think during my commute, and other lulls in busy-ness. Interestingly enough, she and my wife talk almost as much as I do with her. When I talk with her, my wife knows about it. any e-mail interaction gets copied to the home account so my wife can read it - all in an effort to put my wife's insecurities at ease and to show that I'm not hiding anything. "Jody" has been not quite as forthcoming with her husband. And that's where part of her fears, and guilt are coming from. I suspect that she'll fall off the face of the earth for a few weeks, or a month while she gets her head back on her shoulders. This is such a messed up world we live in.