SRS What Am I Doing Wrong?

[Dangerousmind]

The main irk with my life, now and for the past 5 years, has been a lack of an intimate relationship with the opposite sex (females). I'm 21 now and have been in two relationships in my life, both of which were enjoyable, and both of which were not initiated by me. That, I believe, is my main problem, I want to have a relationship with somebody, but I just don't know how to take something from the friends level to a more serious relationship level.

I don't really have a problem talking to girls, it's just that when I do it never seems to be in a way where I could never see myself making that move past friendship. For example: I met, on two separate occasions, this weekend two girls. Each one I though was great looking, nice, smart, etc., basically a person that I would want to try to initiate a relationship with. But after each night when I looked back on the situations, I realized that even though I would have liked to "make a move" on one of these girls it would have been very awkward for me to try, and I probably would have failed horribly.

Another testament to my lack of skill in starting intimate relationships is that I have quite a few friends that are girls that at one point I had a crush on, but just never worked up enough courage to make a move, and basically got stuck in friendship mode (not that that is a bad thing.)

I'm not really sure what my problem is. Sometimes I think I just don't have enough courage and I should try harder, but at the same time I feel that that isn't really who I am. Sometimes I think that I'm being too nice and friendly and that ruins the whole dynamic from the start; but do you have to be a flirtatious jerk to get a girl? Sometimes I feel like maybe they just plain 'ole don't want me for an intimate relationship, and if they did they would have made the move.

I'm very confused with the whole thing, and it's very awkward and uncomfortable topic for me; but so frustrating because it's really what I want. I feel very alone sometimes and would love to have a partner that's more than just a friend. I'm not sure if there is even any advice that can be given to me, but I just needed to get my feeling about this out.

 

[MattThom01]

you can't succeed if you don't try. You keep telling yourself "oh, this won't work, so I shouldn't even try".

So what if it fails? At least you will have tried, that's the important thing.

 

[DarkDruid]

I used to be very similar to you but I discovered that you have to bite the bullet and try. Just don't try to make it BLATANT that your making a move. Don't say "I think your gorgeous and want to take you on a date." As suave as it sounds it way to direct. You need to start it off like at the end of the night "I had a great time tonight, we should hang out again." If she says yea, ask for her #, she might even offer it.

The secret is to treat your interactions with girls like they were just a friend. Don't try to impress them, don't smother them, just show them your interested and see if they respond back. Don't forget girls are just people too, they aren't mystical and magical and are pretty similar to you besides the obvious cultural differences.

 

[minhtos]

do you have these voices in your head telling you negative things? that's probably the reason why. When your insecurities speak, you won't be able to initiate a relationship and if somehow that happens, it will somehow end it. so work on that aspect and enjoy life in the meantime.

 

[Midgetized]

Sometimes I think that I'm being too nice and friendly and that ruins the whole dynamic from the start; but do you have to be a flirtatious jerk to get a girl? Sometimes I feel like maybe they just plain 'ole don't want me for an intimate relationship, and if they did they would have made the move.

You do need to be flirtatious but not a jerk. If you don't even flirt with them then how are they going to know you like them? You want them to make a move but what do they have to go on to make a move? Sure, you are nice and friendly to them but you are probably nice and friendly to everyone. Most girls are going to expect you to make the move anyway but if you want any chance of them making the move then you need to give them a chance to do so. Show that you are interested in them as more than a friend.

 

[j828]

Dude I got the same problem. I've read a whole bunch of PUA books and kick ass at talking to anyone and stirring up interest in me. yet I lack the courage to ever make the move, I guess I fear rejection too much. Ive even had sex yet still fear i might get rejected for a kiss and suffer awkwardness. My friends asked me if I was gay while I was tripping on shrooms...talk about a headtrip. But seriously how do we bite the bullet and get over the rejection deal?

 

[minhtos]

Dude I got the same problem. I've read a whole bunch of PUA books and kick ass at talking to anyone and stirring up interest in me. yet I lack the courage to ever make the move, I guess I fear rejection too much. Ive even had sex yet still fear i might get rejected for a kiss and suffer awkwardness. My friends asked me if I was gay while I was tripping on shrooms...talk about a headtrip. But seriously how do we bite the bullet and get over the rejection deal?

just get rejected enough to not care anymore but really, it's one way to do it

 

[DiggityDogg]

The main irk with my life, now and for the past 5 years, has been a lack of an intimate relationship with the opposite sex (females).

I doubt it's your looks. I almost guarantee it's your approach and how you handle interactions with women. Let's look further:

I'm 21 now and have been in two relationships in my life, both of which were enjoyable, and both of which were not initiated by me. That, I believe, is my main problem, I want to have a relationship with somebody, but I just don't know how to take something from the friends level to a more serious relationship level.

Yes, that does appear to be one of the problems. You never initiated a relationship yourself, you let the women take charge. How boring. You're a man, you're supposed to be able to stand up for her and you're doing a poor job of being able to show it when you cannot even stand up for yourself and pursue what it is that you desire. I bet you've liked girls before but have you asked many of them out? Have you made a move to kiss them? Hae you ever cold approached a random girl that you found attractive? I bet not. I bet that you have taken a reactive approach to dating rather than a proactive one, and that sends signals of low self confidence.

Secondly, you said you do not know how to take it from a friend level to a more serious relationship level. Well if you liked the girl as more than friends from the start then you should never even be on the friend level. Moving in as "just friends" to a girl you have an attraction to is not only weak, but it's also a lie. You're lying to her, being a fake, etc. Then when you drop the "I like you" bomb it came out of nowhere to her and was a huge burden she suddenly had to shoulder. What if she only saw you as friends? Now suddenly you're telling her you like her and expect her to.... what? Suddenly move from, "I like him as a friend" to feeling like you do? It's not going to happen. She will reject you because you're placing a huge burden on her to catch up to where you are at. There is an imbalance.

I don't really have a problem talking to girls, it's just that when I do it never seems to be in a way where I could never see myself making that move past friendship.

Don't move INTO friendship. Meet a girl, strike up a conversation... but not a boring, "What are your likes" conversation. Make it flirty. Ask her a controversial question, tease her for her answer. Tell her that you find her attractive but you can't figure out why. If she touches your arm tell her to keep her hands off the merchandise. FLIRT. TEASE. Ask her if she is a bad girl and likes bad guys. Ask her if she considers herself a good kisser and tell her you're going to judge for yourself and move in for the kiss. Even if she doesn't let you do not apologize, just tell her that you wanted to find out if she was a bad girl or a good girl and you learned that she's a good girl which is cool.

The point is you do NOT do "friend" things if you are interested in a girl. Let her see you as a potential date not a potential guypal. If she sees you as the "safe" friend then that is what you'll be. You'll listen to her sob stories on the phone, you'll comfort her, you'll be her male girlfriend tagging along with her at the mall, etc but she'll be boning another guy. If you want to be that guy then you can't be the male girlfriend emotional tampon.

This is not to say that you cannot listen to her or be there for her, but dude, don't do all of these favors if you're not getting anything in return. Do you plan Captain Taxi to your male friends? Do you sit there for hours on end chatting with them on the phone? No.

For example: I met, on two separate occasions, this weekend two girls. Each one I though was great looking, nice, smart, etc., basically a person that I would want to try to initiate a relationship with. But after each night when I looked back on the situations, I realized that even though I would have liked to "make a move" on one of these girls it would have been very awkward for me to try, and I probably would have failed horribly.

Because you didn't build the chemistry appropriately. If they saw you as the "safe friend" then yeah, it would be very awkward of you to suddenly change the dynamics by making a move. That is your fault for allowing such a "safe" impression of yourself. You need to be more obvious of your interest. You need to make overt moves and flirt suggestively. Get them to NOT see you as a friend but as an interesting guy they want to make out with.

Another testament to my lack of skill in starting intimate relationships is that I have quite a few friends that are girls that at one point I had a crush on, but just never worked up enough courage to make a move, and basically got stuck in friendship mode (not that that is a bad thing.)

Yes is it a bad thing. It's bad because you're crushing on a girl who is banging another man. How is that good? Not only that, but how much time did you waste frollicking around under the disguise of "just friends"? How many favors did you do for them hoping they will suddenly want you romantically? C'mon now.

You got friendzone because you allowed it to be that way. If you make it clear to them, "I have enough friends, I'd like to take you out." then you cannot be friendzoned, because if they turn you down you then walk away and meet new girls.

I'm not really sure what my problem is. Sometimes I think I just don't have enough courage and I should try harder, but at the same time I feel that that isn't really who I am.

Being shy and nervous isn't "who you are", it's your lack of confidence TO BE WHO YOU ARE. If you really like a girl and want to ask her out, how is being afraid to do it being true to yourself? It's not. If you were being true to yourself you would act on your desires, not let them pass by unrealized.

Your fear and shyness is PREVENTING you from being you.

Sometimes I think that I'm being too nice and friendly and that ruins the whole dynamic from the start; but do you have to be a flirtatious jerk to get a girl? Sometimes I feel like maybe they just plain 'ole don't want me for an intimate relationship, and if they did they would have made the move.

Of course they don't want to be intimate with you, you're the "safe guy" who will chat on the phone at all hours of the night with them. You're the guy who will comfort them and compliment them when they are feeling down. You are NOT the guy that excites them, gives them butterflies, challenges them, makes them want to jump your bones. All of this has to do with your approach and how you handle your interactions with them.

I'm very confused with the whole thing, and it's very awkward and uncomfortable topic for me; but so frustrating because it's really what I want. I feel very alone sometimes and would love to have a partner that's more than just a friend. I'm not sure if there is even any advice that can be given to me, but I just needed to get my feeling about this out.

There is plenty of advice that can be given to you, but in the end it is you who must be willing to get your butt out there and try. You can't sit in limbo focusing on one girl hoping she will like you. You need to work on your flirting skills, get more comfortable making moves and expressing your interest, and you need to get out there and meet as many women as possible.

We can go over this more. Message back.