LOVE What percentage of women are preoccupied with their own insecurity?

[antihero]

Poll question: What percentage of women do you think spend enough time and energy being needlessly insecure that it negatively impacts their lives, relationships, happiness or performance? I understand that everyone has insecurities. You can do the best you can and choose not to dwell on them, or you can wallow in and indulge them.

The other day a woman mentioned taking pictures and a man replied that he wouldn't do that because that would just end up with all the women spending 20 minutes bitching about their fat arms. I laughed and my friend who is married said "wait, they do that?" and all I had for him was at the fact that he didn't know its incredibly common. I told him if he didn't know that than he should bring his wife home flowers.

Women: you should really know that when you complain about your appearance in that annoying whiny way it makes you look less attractive, self absorbed, and kind of crazy. Its equally annoying if its completely ridiculous because you are skinny/pretty/have great hair/whatever or if you in fact are fat/ugly/have pointy elbows. You arms absolutely do look fatter to us after you point it out, so you really aren't doing yourself any favors. In addition you seem kind of pathetic because your fishing for people to feed your sad little ego. Its also is just plain annoying and makes other people uncomfortable. Save it for your girlfriends.

honestly, Ive found that the less attractive a girl is than the more likely she is to realize that nobody wants to hear it and all shes doing is drawing attention to her flaws.

ibmenareinsecuretoo: yes, but they know better then to whine about it to other men, or else they are considered a loser.

 

[fray]

This seems like a ridiculous question because it is so situation, timing, and personality-dependent (among other things). And you're grouping insecurity in with fishing for attention, which are totally different things. Then you're trying to quantify it by percentages, which just seems difficult with no context.

 

[Tevin]

I can't guess a percentage, but when the trait does show it is so effing annoying I'd rather swallow a cup of rat poison than deal with the attitude.

It's like the classic question, "Does this dress make me look fat?" If the guy says yes, she turns into a pouty bitch. If the guy says no then she thinks he's being insincere. Either way he loses. Ladies, a free tip from Guysville: There is no possible good outcome when you deliberately trap him into taking an untenable position.

Insecure women obsess over these pissy details and don't realize that their guy probably didn't notice the "defect" until she called attention to it. From that point forward he will always notice the "defect".

Women need to get over their vain selves and realize that being fat/short/small boobed and positive is better than being fat/short/small boobed and whiney. If your guy really thought that little of you he would not be with you in the first place. There aren't too many other ways a chick can so quickly & completely turn a guy off. Let it go already.

:hsr:

 

[JohnJohnJohnson]

Dealing with insecurity can be annoying.

The cold approach is as ineffective as the gentle approach, but it's likelier to cause damage.

 

[JohnJohnJohnson]

i don't think this is a gender-specific issue

 

[antihero]

i don't think this is a gender-specific issue

You know men that will openly and unashamedly air their insecurities? Typically society conditions men to keeep it to themselves.

 

[antihero]

I'm referring to the poll question and thread title

i certainly think its a higher number for women than for men. you disagree? I think the fact that men, for the most part, feel they have no choice but to "man up" makes a big difference. In addition I think womens almost universal body image issues really do make for a significantly higher percentage of women afflicted. If you had to give a percentage of women and a percentage of men, what would it be?

 

[THoC]

ive never been around a guy who complains non stop about his appearance. are we? of course. but talking about it is considered weak, so we dont.

women do it a lot more. matter of fact it seems like they do it more to get an ego boost than anything else.

"i hate the way my butt looks!"

"it looks great. what are you talking about?"

 

[Falconer]

If your guy really thought that little of you he would not be with you in the first place.

Wrong. Many guys date "beneath" what they would ideally prefer because they don't think they can get any "better."

 

[Falconer]

i don't think this is a gender-specific issue

I'm quite insecure

 

[antihero]

I'm quite insecure

Guys you are missing the point here. EVERYONE is insecure to some degree. The question was PREOCCUPIED NEEDLESSLY with insecurity. Honestly, falconer, i certainly think we can all agree you fit that bill, but you are a real anomaly for men.

 

[Deborah]

i'm with you on this

and since we're not dating men, we aren't focused on them an their insecurities anyways

Exactly. I know a lot of insecure men...They might not talk about it and let people know as much as women do, but they often show it in their behavior.

 

[antihero]

Exactly. I know a lot of insecure men...They might not talk about it and let people know as much as women do, but they often show it in their behavior.

What are some typical examples? I'm guessing its mostly going to be failing to do what they should rather than actively engaging in negative actions, but im interested to hear it from the other side. What would you say the male/female percentage is?

I'd say 70% of women/20% of men would see significant improvement if they spent less time and energy dwelling on their insecurities.

 

[Deborah]

What are some typical examples? I'm guessing its mostly going to be failing to do what they should rather than actively engaging in negative actions, but im interested to hear it from the other side.

A few examples off the top of my head:

A friend of mine is almost perfect in every way...Extremely smart, great body, just a great catch...Once I said something about how the way he dances is funny, he stopped talking to me for a week until I apologized over and over again...I was told the same thing just last night and I laughed it off.

Another friend of mine is insecure about his height. He never says it but it's obvious. How? He often randomly tells me how tall I look and makes fun of me that I'm still growing. FYI, I'm 5'3". I went on a date with a 6'3" guy and as soon as he found that out he told me that I only like tall men and I lie when I say I don't. Then he tried to talk shit about the guy.

Another guy made a lot of jokes about penis size which was kind of strange to me. We fooled around a little bit once and he had a very small and thin penis.

 

[Tevin]

Wrong. Many guys date "beneath" what they would ideally prefer because they don't think they can get any "better."

Hmm...no. It's true that tons of guys wish their GF/wife was centerfold material. Duh. But the fact they are dating/married to any given chick is a statement that the chick is at least "good enough" or they would not be with them, right?

If it's a quest to do "better" then the cycle would never end.

And I also agree everyone is insecure on some level. I don't know if women as a group are more insecure or if men are just better at keeping it to themselves. It doesn't matter, though. If it comes out to the point that it interferes with the relationship, then it's a problem no matter who the guilty party is.

My gut says women are more insecure about petty things. I've never heard of a guy asking his date if his sport coat makes him look fat or which of his 15 wallets look good with his shoes.

 

[Falconer]

Hmm...no. It's true that tons of guys wish their GF/wife was centerfold material. Duh. But the fact they are dating/married to any given chick is a statement that the chick is at least "good enough" or they would not be with them, right?

Wrong. Your original comment was "If your guy really thought that little of you he would not be with you in the first place."

He could be "settling" for her and ready to upgrade when the opportunity arises.

Women do this same thing.

Usually it's the insecure types who "have to be in a relationship."

If it's a quest to do "better" then the cycle would never end.

It doesn't, in some regards.

 

[antihero]

Those are great examples because they show exactly what im talking about.

I went on a date with a 6'3" guy and as soon as he found that out he told me that I only like tall men and I lie when I say I don't. Then he tried to talk shit about the guy.

This is exactly the kinda nutty negative self centered display of insecurity im talking about. They make themselves so crazy with their neurotic obsession with their own insecurity they cant even see how absurd it is to think everything is about them.

Another guy made a lot of jokes about penis size which was kind of strange to me. We fooled around a little bit once and he had a very small and thin penis

This guy was insecure for good reason but still managed to keep positive and try to make light of the situation. Sure his insecurity was visible, but he was doing the best he could with what he had. This is what i think people should do. Imagine how different it would have been if instead of cracking jokes he handled his insecurity like the first nutjob and angrily accused you of only liking big dicks.

Again, im not saying "don't be insecure! be 100% confident!" im saying don't blow it out of proportion and try to handle it as constructively as possible.

 

[Falconer]

A few examples off the top of my head:

A friend of mine is almost perfect in every way...Extremely smart, great body, just a great catch...Once I said something about how the way he dances is funny, he stopped talking to me for a week until I apologized over and over again...I was told the same thing just last night and I laughed it off.

Women place a high value on things like dancing. Who gets made fun of the most at clubs? The guys who can't dance but try. When you said he dances funny that was a pretty strong blow to his self-esteem because he cares.

Another guy who knows he can't dance wouldn't care, or would embrace the fact that he "dances funny."

It's like a chick who is insecure about her A cup boobs and a guy says something, in passing, about her boobs being small. It sends her into insecurity-zone.

I am insecure as heck about certain things, and I don't give a shit about other things. If someone makes fun of me for something in the former category, I will go into insecurity-zone (although I will try to hide it). If someone makes fun of me for something in the later category, I'll be like I don't give a fuck.

So, my conclusion is that that dude was pretty sensitive about his dancing.

Either that or he's playing games to make it a big deal and get you to apologize, some sort of power play nonsense.

Another friend of mine is insecure about his height. He never says it but it's obvious. How? He often randomly tells me how tall I look and makes fun of me that I'm still growing. FYI, I'm 5'3". I went on a date with a 6'3" guy and as soon as he found that out he told me that I only like tall men and I lie when I say I don't. Then he tried to talk shit about the guy.

I think you're right on that one.

Another guy made a lot of jokes about penis size which was kind of strange to me. We fooled around a little bit once and he had a very small and thin penis.

Maybe he wanted to make sure you were prepared ahead of time

 

[Deborah]

This guy was insecure for good reason but still managed to keep positive and try to make light of the situation. Sure his insecurity was visible, but he was doing the best he could with what he had. This is what i think people should do. Imagine how different it would have been if instead of cracking jokes he handled his insecurity like the first nutjob and angrily accused you of only liking big dicks.

Again, im not saying "don't be insecure! be 100% confident!" im saying don't blow it out of proportion and try to handle it as constructively as possible.

He was very insecure actually. I'm pretty upfront in bed and tell guys what I want and like. I tried to show him how I like my boobs and vagina be touched, he got VERY upset telling me I turned him off because I mean he is not doing it right. wtf?! isn't that how it is supposed to be? I don't expect guys to know everything about MY body but they should be willing to learn. Needless to say, I just ended it right there and told him we don't have sexual chemistry.

 

[Falconer]

I just ended it right there and told him we don't have sexual chemistry.

Damn

 

[Diesel66]

Deborah, depends on how and when you did it. Obviously if he was missing everything, giving directions is a good thing.

 

[CorpseStreet]

I'm pretty upfront in bed and tell guys what I want and like. I tried to show him how I like my boobs and vagina be touched

tell me more...

 

[antihero]

He was very insecure actually. I'm pretty upfront in bed and tell guys what I want and like. I tried to show him how I like my boobs and vagina be touched, he got VERY upset telling me I turned him off because I mean he is not doing it right. wtf?! isn't that how it is supposed to be? I don't expect guys to know everything about MY body but they should be willing to learn. Needless to say, I just ended it right there and told him we don't have sexual chemistry.

Eh, you certainly need to be somewhat delicate about it. This is an area, like body image for women, that is certainly going to be a sensitive area for men. Honestly you would probably offend most men if you try to lay on them all at once the right way to do every aspect of sex.I would lay it on a little at a time in a gentle guiding way and make it clear that you are sharing preferences. You need to be willing to have a little patience and build some comfort first. I certainly would never presume to try to teach a woman how to give a proper (most women really aren't great) blowjob the first time we hooked up. I wouldn't even complain about teeth, because you just don't criticize a new lover.

 

[Deborah]

Damn

I did it in a very nice way, kind of indirect actually...definitely not as harsh as it sounds.

 

[Falconer]

Eh, you certainly need to be somewhat delicate about it. This is an area, like body image for women, that is certainly going to be a sensitive area for men. Honestly you would probably offend most men if you try to lay on them all at once the right way to do every aspect of sex.I would lay it on a little at a time in a gentle guiding way and make it clear that you are sharing preferences. You need to be willing to have a little patience and build some comfort first. I certainly would never presume to try to teach a woman how to give a proper (most women really aren't great) blowjob the first time we hooked up. I wouldn't even complain about teeth, because you just don't criticize a new lover.

This.