Do you? I didnt. I lost it. Even after my close call with relapse (that i wrote about in another thread). Even after that thread, i didnt get an actual program going again. Just kept puttering along, having dodged that bullet. I got 7 years clean, right? I know what im doing. Then how come sometimes i cant even work all day without freaking out? How come i suddenly, inexplicably, am obsessed with thoughts of using? Why am i getting migraines now? Why do i think i am sick, when i am not? I didnt have a program anymore, and i didnt even realize it. Complacency owned me, then Powerlesness came and killed me with the final blow! I am out of control of my own life. It is unmanagable. Or is it? I dont know! Am i just incapable of managing a managable situation? Am i manufacturing scenarios and impossibilities that arent there? These things hadnt even occured to me untill i got....the P word. A program again. I didnt even realize i hadnt had one. 2 times in the last 2 weeks, ive had an addict breakdown. Havent used, not going to use today, but until my addiction continued to beat me down, i wasnt fully willing to finish taking the steps to be successful in recovery. Chapter One in "It Works, How, and Why" deal with this extensively, and helped me to stay clean tonight, when i didnt think i could. For those of us with alot of time that may have drifted away from the fellowship, it's a good read. I am back now to regular meetings, at least once a week. I have an emergency sponsor de-facto that i call every day, and have lunch with once a week. I pray at night (always have, but dont know why), i read just for today in the morning, and journal now. And it feels damn good And it hurts a little, too The First Step, Powerlesness, is all too present in my life today. Second Step, well, i didnt get me clean, so a higher power must have. Third Step...turning my life over and coming to believe, thats where im at today. And thats where i left off 5 years ago. Here i go Do you have a program? Are you working the steps? Until someone asked me that same thing recently, i hadnt even realized that i didnt.