Hello again. To those of you who have helped me in the past, I'm sure you're ready to kill me by now because I always seem to have something wrong in my life. And I do apologize, but OT is the only outlet i have so please bear with me. I have spent the latter part of the evening reliving the consequences of some of the decisions that I have made the past year or so. Mainly the ones involving my relations with the opposite sex. What triggered this tonight was a conversation I had with a good friend of mine. We have been friends for about 6 years now, and very good friends at that. All during high school and up to a little while ago he was the one I went to when a guy had broken my heart (well that's only happened twice, but I hope you get the drift). When I was sucidal in high school, he was the one I called. When he was going through his rough patches I was the one he called. And all during high school and up to a little while ago he would tell me how much he liked me and how much he wanted to be with me and all that stuff. But I never really took it seriously because he was a big flirt. He was always dating somebody and had a child during our senior year of high school. We kissed a couple times, but that was like the 10 grade, nothing to take seriously, and he would joke about us getting married and having kids and things of that nature. I always blew it off though because he was always involved with this person and that person, so I never took it seriously. Well back in April we had sex. I was on a business trip in Tallahasse and thats where he lives. And thats where everything changed. After that happened I didn't hear from him for about a month. He came by my house about a week or so after the Tally incident, but it was for all of 5 min to drop off a CD. (he drove to Tampa to visit on the same day my job drove back). I got a text message from him around mid-May, and we talked briefly on the phone probably twice since then but tonight was the first time we had a real conversation. For some reason him not talking to me afterwards really hurt me though. I know the games guys play, because I tend to play them too. I get what I want, they get what they want, and we leave it alone. For the most part, if they call I don't answer. And if I call and they don't answer, I don't get upset because I pretty much know what the deal was in the first place. But I guess I expected him to be different from the rest. Well this little revelation of mine led to me thinking of every guy I've had sex with and the circumstances surrounding these situations and now I am very disappointed in myself. I know I am a beautiful 20 year old who has so much to offer, but I short change myself. Its gotten to the point where I feel like I won't achieve my dreams and goals because I'm not good enough. I never really know what I want to come of these threads, but if I don't get these thoughts down and somewhat out of my head I know they will be the end of me. If you have read all the way to this point, I thank you so very much for your time. I don't know where I would be without you guys.